"Miss You" by Shuyler Fisk

One more minute is one too long
And I won't forget it,
The way you did me wrong

Hurt like a boxer
You fight like a snake
And if you want her
I'm not standing in your way

The way I feel is
The way I feel is
The way I feel it

I need you like another broken heart and a hole in my head
I need you like a six foot grill and a high speed train wreck
I bet you find it hard to believe
But I miss you like a bad disease
And maybe baby now you know how much you really mean to me

Watch your dock so I don't know how I sink so low but
I get happy, feel better when you go

Learned my lesson
Learned the hard way
I'm better for it
I'll never make the same mistake

The way I feel is
The way I feel is
The way I feel it

I need you like another broken heart and a hole in my head
I need you like a six foot grill and a high speed train wreck
I bet you find it hard to believe
But I miss you like a bad disease
And maybe baby now you know how much you really mean to me

Hey, hey, hey
Sail away
Hey, hey, hey
Sail away
Hey, hey, hey
Sail away

I need you like another broken heart and a hole in my head
I need you like a six foot grill and a high speed train wreck
I bet you find it hard to believe
But I miss you like a bad disease
And maybe baby now you know that I

I need you like another broken heart and a hole in my head
I need you like a six foot grill and a high speed train wreck
I bet you find it hard to believe
But I miss you like a bad disease
And maybe baby now you know how much you really mean to me

Hey, hey, hey
Sail away
Hey, hey, hey
Sail away

    

    Boiling Point.  My cup filled up over its edge and I felt my leg tremble as I tried not to cry--to keep all my feelings compartmentalized, safe underneath the surface.  Unfettered. 

   The rain poured down last night as he walked me to my car--the last time he would walk me to my car after work.  I finally let my emotions pour over--I almost cried.  I told him that I was ready.  I did my part.  That this was a roller coaster and I wanted to get off the ride.   He reminded me that his life with her wasn't the life he wanted anymore, even though it was a life and would be a process.  He echoed my thoughts--words mean nothing without action---it's time.  It's time. So, I drove home in a blanket of rain--ready for sunshine, ready for this, ready for him.  The worst, most painful part, is preparing myself for the worst.  I told him I am wrestling on the inside all the time; struggling with what I want and with the possibility of losing it.  I just remembered murmuring, I'm in this.  I'm in big.   He said he was too--I wish his words were enough for now.  I have a book of words that are beautiful and mesmerizing...but I want the author.  Only time will tell.  

Who so loves..believes the impossible.

Happy Alone :)

I woke up, wrapped in sunshine and Bella for the past two mornings.  Something in me feels very light and happy--as if anything is possible and I'm capable of whatever I set my mind to.  Everything is easy--I'm free.  I can go wherever I want to, do whatever I want, without having any drama to contend with.  Any drama that enters my life will be a result of my own actions; not another infringing on me.   I really need to be with a man.   A man who knows, for lack of a better phrase, how to get shit done.  Someone who knows who he is and what he wants.  And, most importantly, someone who wants me.  Not someone who needs me.  This weekend reminded me of who I am, and who I am not.  I am not someone who will settle--I will never be the woman that is okay with a luke warm relationship.  I think we settle when we don't believe we deserve anything more.  I want it all.  The best part is, that I have no doubt that I'll get it.  I think we would rather stay, apologize too quickly, than fight it out and fight for ourselves.  

I went to the gym this morning and mid-work out, I realized something that made me really happy--I'm single :)  I'm free.  What a change from two years ago when I would have been desperate to find someone to entertain me and all my insecurities.  I feel good about myself; I know what I bring to a relationship.  I know what I need to work on.  

I talked to 'the guy' this afternoon--it's a delicious courtship.  I'm in no rush to enter into another relationship, and I'll definitely be taking my time enjoying all the positivity he brings into my life.  When I talk to him on the phone, I'm that 12 year old girl twisting the phone cord, biting her lip, with hearts fluttering from her eyes.  He's just so good.  I thought that when I ended things with the ex that I would be in a tailspin; feeling alone and crashing to the ground.  Instead I'm floating, not because I found someone I spark with like fourth of July fireworks, but because I'm allowed to simply be myself..no stress, no pressure, just free.

Turbulence is life force. It is opportunity. Let's love turbulence and use it for change.

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another.  ~Anatole France

Every beginning is a consequence - every beginning ends some thing.  ~Paul Valery

You can avoid having ulcers by adapting to the situation:  If you fall in the mud puddle, check your pockets for fish.  ~Author Unknown

Happy Saturday :)

Love recognizes no barriers.
It jumps hurdles, leaps fences,
penetrates walls to arrive at its destination..
full of hope. 

A beautiful song by "A Fine Frenzy"

He and I had something beautiful

But so dysfunctional, it couldn't last

I loved him so but I let him go

'Cause I knew he'd never love me back

Such pain as this

Shouldn't have to be experienced

I'm still reeling from the loss,

Still a little bit delirious

Near to you, I am healing

But it's taking so long

'Cause though he's gone

And you are wonderful

It's hard to move on

Yet, I'm better near to you.

You and I have something different

And I'm enjoying it cautiously

I'm battle scarred, I am working oh so hard

To get back to who I used to be

He's disappearing 

Fading suddelly

I'm so close to being yours

Won't you stay with me

Please

Near to you, I am healing

But it's taking so long

'Cause though he's gone

And you are wonderful

It's hard to move on

Yet, I'm better near to you.

I only know that I am 

Better where you are

I only know that I am

Better where you are

I only know that I belong

Where you are

Near to you, I am healing

But it's taking so long

Though he's gone

And you are wonderful

It's hard to move on

Near to you, I am healing

But it's taking so long

'Cause though he's gone

And you are wonderful

It's hard to move on

Yet, I'm better near to you.

Yet, I'm better near to you.

I broke up with J.  It happened so fast; the word tumbled out of my mouth.  I was rain soaked, tired, and desperate to be clean.  I remembered sitting at my computer a couple of weeks ago, listening to the sound of the rain hit the window.  I remember wanting to be clean.  I ripped off the band-aid, but I forgot to prepare myself with the "1...2...3" 

I wasn't prepared for the dam of emotions it released--the regret, the guilt, the good times.  In the end, you always think of the beginning.   

After I drove away from the rain-soaked parking lot, I came home and curled up on my floor.  In the beginning, I thought you could be the one for me--I had to start letting that go weeks ago.  Our life together has been both beautiful and tragic.  You were my first 'real' relationship, the first romance that had a fighting chance.  Something happened, something came between us that made us strangers.  An ocean of words unsaid and passionate moments swept away.  My love for you isn't gone--but my belief that we could survive the wreckage is.  It's the oddest thing to look into the eyes of someone you love..someone you were in love with...and feel that you don't know them anymore.   Two strangers, sitting in a dark car, sifting through the memories and feelings that once were, the love that still is.  I have to let you go.  I have to believe that I will be with someone is who madly in love with me, passionate about our life together, and who I make ridiculously happy.  

Oh what tangled webs we weave..

   Last night, I stayed awake, attempting to come to terms with the fact that I might end up scarred from this situation.  I tried to accept the fact that it was out of my control.  I tried to accept the fact that he might settle, in an attempt to fulfill his end of the loyalty bargain.  However unfair, I had to face the truth and accept the possibility that things may not end up beautifully.  I had to remember that I entered into Russian Roulette, knowing how it usually ends.  Knowing and feeling something are different things.  

  This morning, I woke up with puffy eyes and the will to find some sort of resolve.  I always want to do the right thing...whatever that may really be, I have no idea.  I jotted down a note, a note that declared my acceptance--no timeline, no pressure.  Like I said, I extended my heart in my hands weeks ago, knowing it may not come back in one piece.  I went to work, prepared for an icy gaze and found myself embraced in a long, needed hug alone.  Just us, our circumstances, and a hug that calmed all my frayed nerves.  I could feel the happiness radiating off him in my company, holding me in such a way that few people have.  We're more than okay. When I really think about it, the truth is that I do feel that we are going to work out.  I remember when we first started 'really' talking, we were wedged in a booth with R playing my 'getting to know you' game for kicks: "If you were stranded on a deserted island, who would you want to be with you?" both of us commented we would be perfectly fine on our own--today, he corrected himself and said that it would no longer be him alone, but that he'd have to have me with him.  This was a life milestone for me--admitting that perhaps I would be better off with someone else, than left to take care of myself.  Our friend commented that what we have together is what she can only hope she stumbles upon in her own life--that what happened between us was unavoidable, our paths would have ultimately crossed drawing us into a similar collision.  He collided into me and everything changed.  The worst part, is being a bystander in my own circumstances.  The second worst part is wanting someone so badly but not being able to have them.  He told me it's becoming too hard to talk to me so intently without wanting to take things to the next level--who knew that I had such self-control that I can handle being with him and not worrying about things happening.  I'm respecting the necessary distance.  I just wonder, when..when..when..when? When will I be able to give him 100%? When will I be strong enough to separate myself from J.  Tonight I called him and he was so cold to me on the phone...we argued about class and then ended the conversation.  I asked him if he was okay and he said he was fine.  Everything is fine; never completely terrible nor good.  My relationship is Switzerland.  How can I ask him for a timeline, when I haven't even dealt with the discomfort and sadness of leaving my own situation? Ripping off the bandaid--is there such a thing as good timing? Is there a way to avoid having 30 people in my classroom fully aware of our situation and watching us fall apart like a television show? Is there any way for J to understand that it was neither of our faults, and it just wasn't ever going to work out? Is there a way for him to know that I do love him, but somehow I'm not in love with him anymore? Too much has happened, too much has pulled us apart.  Without flames, it's just ashes.

There is a very real possibility I'm about to get crushed.

para repasar

1. Be Impeccable with your Word
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the Word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your Word in the direction of truth and love.

2. Don’t Take Anything Personally
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won’t be the victim of needless suffering.

3. Don’t Make Assumptions
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

4. Always Do Your Best
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgment, self-abuse, and regret.

Love is much like a wild rose, beautiful and calm, but willing to draw blood in its defense. ~Mark Overby

I would rather not sit here, at 11:59 PM and write in my journal.  In all honesty, I would rather hide away somewhere for a couple months and come back to a perfectly ordered life.  I have been trying to reconnect with myself for the past few hours and I've come up with nothing.  I'm no wiser right now than I was yesterday.

It's as if I'm on a roller coaster--it's exhilarating and terrifying at the same time.   Each turn has something different in store, and sometimes my poor body gets tired of being jerked around like a rag doll.  A flimsy, helpless rag doll.  If you know me, you know I'm not the kind of girl to be equated to a rag doll--no, I'm supposed to be the strong, capable one.  I'm the girl that chooses, not the one who waits idly by to get chosen.  I sit in the power seat and remain in control at all times.  This is the first time in my life, I'm extending my heart in my hands and praying it will come back in one piece.

My first inclination when I woke up this morning, still in a love haze from my conversation last night, was to go and relax by my pool.  Something about feeling the sun on my face and being in the water makes me feel at peace--no sounds but the branches rustling.  Eventually, I decided to get out and get moving--I hiked pinnacle peak by myself at 4 PM.  I just wanted to be outside; surrounded by something bigger, more important than myself.

I contemplated skipping class tomorrow, to dive back into my deep waters and get lost in a conversation.  Is this the time in my life to listen to my friends as my voices of reason? Or is the time to be impetuous and do what I want.  Allison reminded me of karma...it's hard to think of my actions outside of myself and being happy to finally have something kismet.  I know I need to do right by myself.  I know I need to do the best that I can to get out of this unscathed.  It's wrestling with what I should do and what I want to do...trying to decipher the difference between the best thing and the wrong thing--it all looks like one blur of feelings.  Now, the question is--how do I do that? It's easy between us, why does the rest have to be regrettably complicated?

This is the first time I'm not in control of a situation, my future is coming to me 60 seconds at a time, just like it always has been.  I suppose, the best I can do is smile knowing I've felt something powerful for the first time, and handle myself with class and integrity.  I think the hard part is trusting someone with your heart--for now, I just need to have a little faith.  What do I have to lose? The question that keeps coming out of my mouth and my thoughts...what do I have to lose?  No regrets. Where is a crystal ball when you need one, anyway..the worst part has been being so distant from J.  The past few months of our relationship have made me feel like I was climbing up sand, digging in my hands to lose it moments later.  I'll never forget calling Allison in the car after I helped him move into his apartment in June, feeling as if I had just helped him set up a new life that I wouldn't be apart of.  Strange how we can sense things like that.  Break ups are brutal.  Especially when you spend 4 hours together every night in class.  Especially when you've cared about someone for so long...watching it fade and fall apart.

Allison went to coffee with a recently single guy--he had been with his girlfriend for 2 years and finally ended it because he didn't have that innate feeling that she was 'the one.'  I need to be brave.  Incredible how quickly things can change.  Part of me is afraid to face the world alone again.  To lose the current and the future in one, disastrous series of events.  If you don't risk anything, you risk even more.

I need to remember who I am.  I believe that I'm going to get that big love.  I refuse to listen to my inner cynic that wants me to settle for something other than butterflies.  I have them now, finally, will they stay? Fingers crossed...the universe will take care of me.

Here's hoping not to look like a complete fool...

Your love life is likely to get a big boost this month, too. Saturn, the planet that pokes and pushes us, and generally puts us through a cosmic training session to help us become more mature and ready for more responsibility, is leaving your fifth house of true love on July 21. Saturn is the planet that would rather see you work than play, and so this has been kind of a cosmic oxymoron. The fifth house is all about relaxation and fun, but Saturn kept putting boulders in your path.

After Saturn departs on July 21 (not to return until 2036), you should start to see the obstacles to finding true love fall away. If the person you've been dating has been getting an advanced university degree, traveling a great deal, is not yet divorced, or is in any other way unavailable most of the time, you will enjoy the change. Soon you'll see a whole new situation emerge, and it will be one you like far better than the one you had.


Romantically, someone new may surface and you'll love that this person is stable, reliable, and goal-oriented. With Venus, your ruler, in your house of love from July 10 to August 5, you might fall hard - delightfully so!




Saturn has spent more than two years in your house of love. This means you have a new and serious outlook about seeing progress in your relationship. If commitment doesn't happen soon, you'll move on. Once Saturn leaves your love sector on July 21, it will be a big relief. Obstacles that have plagued you in love over the past two years will end and you won't face the same sort of frustrating conditions that you did in the past. Never have you had a better chance for success in love than you do now. Saturn will not come back to Virgo to cause separations and obstacles again until 2036. (You'll find the next visit from Saturn easier to take the second time because you learned so much over the past three years.)

What an amazing day...

We sat huddled in Cafe Pino from 12-4, finally sharing all our bottled up feelings.  I'll never forget the passion behind his green eyes when he murmured, "I'm crazy about you."


I sat outside for an hour and a 1/2 tonight, curled up on the chaise lounge beneath the stars talking to him about everything and nothing: wishing he was here next to me.


6 hours spent lost in conversation today.  Lost in his eyes.




He told me things I never believed I would hear a man say--I want to share them but part of me wants to keep them just for myself.  I know that I've never sat in a restaurant, more unaware of what was going on around me.  We laughed as we left, imagining all the ridiculous stories the staff had created about us.  Too wrapped up in eachother to even really care.  I hate not being able to touch him.  To be so aware of someone else's proximity to you, where your skin is electric, is torture.  He told me I'm his magnet--he is always aware of where I am.  Standing next to eachother, there is a friction between us. I know I can't, so I won't.  I just can't wait for him to walk up to me, tell me it's done, and kiss me.  Just to be able to be with him will be incredible.  I'm strong and I can be patient.  I've never wanted somebody more in my life.  I had no idea I could be this attracted to anyone,  feeling so much feeling with one look....that big love just brought me back to life.  It's a slow courtship; the most delicious kind.  I had lost that part of myself...and now I have to look away from him to avoid the heat in his stare.  I'm strong and I can be patient..I'm strong and I can be patient.


Yesterday we had spontaneously decided we would drive to Sedona together...in need of being outdoors and a random adventure.  As I walked away from him, I felt a sudden anxiety--could I handle being with him in such a romantic setting? Absolutely not.  I started to panic.  As he walked me to my car that night, we decided to start with coffee.  He explained to me today, "I wouldn't have been able to do it...I wouldn't be able to be alone with you and not kiss you.  We'd definitely be jumping levels." Sedona is on hold.  For now.  I'm going to sleep dancing on the inside that all my saved up wishes are coming true--the fairytale is in progress and I'm....happily unglued. Time...and patience.  And butterflies.








They do not love that do not show their love. The course of true love never did run smooth. Love is a familiar. Love is a devil. There is no evil angel but Love.


 "The hours I spend with you I look upon as sort of a perfumed garden, a dim twilight, and a fountain signing to it...you and you alone make me feel that I am alive...Other men, it is said, have seen angels, but I have seen thee and thou art enough."


 "Sometimes your nearness takes my breath away; and all the things I want to say can find no voice. Then, in silence, I can only hope my eyes will speak my heart."


"Love means to commit oneself without guarantee, to give oneself completely in the hope that our love will produce love in the loved person. Love is an act of faith, and whoever is of little faith is also of little love."

Taking a risk...

After weeks of not being able to eat--I am finally facing my fears and taking a chance.  We're going to coffee today after being inseparable all week.  I think today will answer all the questions....and I hope that he will finally be able to tell me exactly how he feels.  At this point, my feelings for him are too much to simply walk away from.  I can't believe I'm actually at the point where I'm ready to make the grand gesture and ask the unaskable question.  I never thought my preface would come true in my own life.... I might just get crushed...but I can't think about that.  If you risk nothing, then you risk even more.


Every man is afraid of something.  That's how you know he's in love with you; when he's afraid of losing you.



I can do this..I can do this...I can do this..I'm scared shitless.

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? 

Love is everything it's cracked up to be.  That's why

people are so cynical about it...

It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, 

risking everything for.  And the trouble is, 

if you don't risk anything, you risk even more. 

Trust in the universe.

During one of our ridiculous conversations, Allison told me to "trust in the universe.  The universe will take care of you." So simple, and so true.

All the stress I had over the weekend dissipated as I let the statement sink in.  I can't control anyone else, I can't control my situation, I can't control my confusion.  Main idea: I'm not in control.    I need to just relax and let things happen as they will; I know that everything happens for a reason.  In the end, it will all be fine.

Life is about experiences right?  Well, this is the first time in my life that I'm completely unglued and confused.  I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do; what is going to happen; or how I will react.  The only thing I can do is put a smile on my face, and be open to whatever the universe has in store.

Since in order to speak, one must first listen, learn to speak by listening.

"Appear as you are,Be as you appear."

What's the difference between taking a chance and taking a risk?

The rain just started falling outside; I love the sound as it collides with my window pane.

What a perfect night for rain--I'm tempted to go outside, stand underneath the dark blanket and let the rain wash away all my worries and troubles.  I would wake up in the morning, revived.

I don't know where to begin, really.  I have been avoiding my journal in hopes that not writing about the nuances of my life would make them less palpable.  So far, I haven't succeeded.  I have someone on my mind all the time...for the first time in my life I'm in awe of a man.  For the first time in my life, I'm scared that I might experience unrequited love--or realize that perhaps it was all just an illusion that I lost myself in.  For the first time in my life, I'm ashamed at my inability to reason my feelings.

It all started about 7 weeks ago.  I stood under the blaring light in the parking lot, losing myself in our conversation.  I stumbled back to my car; contemplating why I felt like I had to unglue myself from you.  Everyday I saw you, I felt drawn to you.  I knew that I had to get to know you.  In a desperate attempt to respect my relationship--I tried to envision you as someone you weren't, someone whose comments didn't replay in my mind for hours.  When I finally sat down in my car, I remember thinking "I just met my dream man.  I just met the man I never thought existed." I always felt like I had to settle, as if settling was part of the compromises relationships require. You were dropped into my life, a mirror image of everything I wanted, and all the things I never knew I needed.  I question the reliability of chemistry;  I've had the opportunity to sit with you and talk about traveling, teaching, people, love, marriage, childhood homes, and everything in between.  You've been on my mind for 7 weeks.  All this time, I wondered whether chemistry could be one sided--that our soulful connection could be the foundations of a lifetime of friendship.  The strange thing is, I would settle for friendship because I can't imagine not talking with you anymore.  I've fought with myself for weeks, analyzing every detail of our conversations to try and discover whether you felt it too.  People told me I was crazy to think that you didn't.   I guess, I'm not arrogant enough to think someone like you could fall for me.  I never thought I would be lucky enough to feel what I feel when I'm with you.

Yesterday, you were so distant--when you looked at me, I knew something was different.  Your normally penetrating gaze was frosted over like ice.  I could feel that you didn't want to be near me. I thought back to our hour long conversations: huddled in hallways--too lost in eachothers eyes to notice what we were supposed to be doing; I thought of that afternoon you walked me to my car, I felt like you had something to say but you couldn't muster it..so we stood there until we could pull apart and say goodbye.  I thought back to the night we finally sat down alone over coffee, 10 minutes turned into an hour--talk about teaching turned into how you got the scar on your forehead, my adventures in Europe, and our writing.  I thought of how I felt when I saw you covered in 5 year olds, climbing over and up you--the look on your face was one of willing surrender.  After not speaking to you, the damsel in distress bit brought us back together; I had to get faint so you could come and rescue me.  And you did--you took care of me and watched over me--despite your distance, we couldn't help but get lost in one of our conversations.  I know this hasn't been easy--our circumstances are always lingering in the way--but it has been kismet.

All of my initial questions were answered today. Today, I found out that you have been overwhelmed by your feelings toward me for the past few weeks.  I found out that the reason you were so cold yesterday was jealousy, because you thought I didn't have the same feelings for you; what you didn't know was I experienced the same unfounded hurt every time you saw me, but didn't look at me. I found out that you can't control yourself around me anymore, that having such strong feelings for me when you are with someone else led you to self-loathing.  I found out today that you think about me all the time and want to be with me.  I found out today that I could be euphoric and devastated in the same moment.  I stood in the stark white bathroom under fluorescent lights, wondering if I had discovered heaven and hell in one revelation.  Our mutual friend was blissful at our mutual confessions...celebrating, celebrating what I could lose as quickly as I found it.

Over 7 weeks ago, our mutual friend crooned "you need to meet.."  Over 7 weeks ago, I avoided meeting you because I was trying to pick up the pieces of my crumbling relationship.  7 weeks ago, I met you and felt that something big was about to happen to me.  6 weeks ago, I tried to compartmentalize your role in my life..I tried to imagine you as someone else.  5 weeks ago, I couldn't break my gaze from your eyes--talking about our hopes and dreams.  4 weeks ago, I saw you reading stories to children and left a part of my heart on the floor with my jaw.  3 weeks ago, I discovered that you're the most incredible man I've ever met.  2 weeks ago, I knew that my attraction to you was second only to our intellectual connection.  This week, I found out that you felt the same way about me...and then I remembered we were both in strained relationships--neither of us are the type of person to hurt someone we care about.

So, 7 weeks ago I entered into a game of Russian roulette.  I can't have you--but I can't be without you.  I've never thought about kissing you, I haven't even touched you---our connection is so far beyond that.  I know this happened at a strange time--but I also know that the universe puts people into our lives at certain times.  I know that our connection feels once in a lifetime.  I know that I'm afraid for you to tell me how you feel.  I'm afraid that the ice might cover your eyes again--in a last ditch effort to avoid the unavoidable.  I want you to tell me how you feel, not what we should feel.  If we could find a compromise between our logic and our hearts--I think we'll be okay.   I'm 7 weeks away from that fateful night; 7 weeks more enamored by you, 7 weeks unglued.

True Blood

At the end of the day, there is nothing better than curling up in bed and putting on a fantastic series.  I rarely watch TV, so I love to get the show seasons on DVD and go start to finish.  After finishing Sex and the City and Friends, it's on to True Blood.  I looooooooooove this show.  The first couple of episodes left me a little confused--but now that I am almost finished with the second season, I can't get enough.  

The show is much more vulgar and sexual than I had anticipated; now that I am desensitized to near porn level sex scenes, the only thing that makes me jump is the level 10 fright factor of the show.  Last night I had to return to Friends just to get some shut eye (and you must know I am a huge scary movie fan...so this was pretty intense!)

Season 3 just started on HBO, so after I finish the last episode I'm going to start going through True Blood withdrawals...