Love is much like a wild rose, beautiful and calm, but willing to draw blood in its defense. ~Mark Overby

I would rather not sit here, at 11:59 PM and write in my journal.  In all honesty, I would rather hide away somewhere for a couple months and come back to a perfectly ordered life.  I have been trying to reconnect with myself for the past few hours and I've come up with nothing.  I'm no wiser right now than I was yesterday.

It's as if I'm on a roller coaster--it's exhilarating and terrifying at the same time.   Each turn has something different in store, and sometimes my poor body gets tired of being jerked around like a rag doll.  A flimsy, helpless rag doll.  If you know me, you know I'm not the kind of girl to be equated to a rag doll--no, I'm supposed to be the strong, capable one.  I'm the girl that chooses, not the one who waits idly by to get chosen.  I sit in the power seat and remain in control at all times.  This is the first time in my life, I'm extending my heart in my hands and praying it will come back in one piece.

My first inclination when I woke up this morning, still in a love haze from my conversation last night, was to go and relax by my pool.  Something about feeling the sun on my face and being in the water makes me feel at peace--no sounds but the branches rustling.  Eventually, I decided to get out and get moving--I hiked pinnacle peak by myself at 4 PM.  I just wanted to be outside; surrounded by something bigger, more important than myself.

I contemplated skipping class tomorrow, to dive back into my deep waters and get lost in a conversation.  Is this the time in my life to listen to my friends as my voices of reason? Or is the time to be impetuous and do what I want.  Allison reminded me of karma...it's hard to think of my actions outside of myself and being happy to finally have something kismet.  I know I need to do right by myself.  I know I need to do the best that I can to get out of this unscathed.  It's wrestling with what I should do and what I want to do...trying to decipher the difference between the best thing and the wrong thing--it all looks like one blur of feelings.  Now, the question is--how do I do that? It's easy between us, why does the rest have to be regrettably complicated?

This is the first time I'm not in control of a situation, my future is coming to me 60 seconds at a time, just like it always has been.  I suppose, the best I can do is smile knowing I've felt something powerful for the first time, and handle myself with class and integrity.  I think the hard part is trusting someone with your heart--for now, I just need to have a little faith.  What do I have to lose? The question that keeps coming out of my mouth and my thoughts...what do I have to lose?  No regrets. Where is a crystal ball when you need one, anyway..the worst part has been being so distant from J.  The past few months of our relationship have made me feel like I was climbing up sand, digging in my hands to lose it moments later.  I'll never forget calling Allison in the car after I helped him move into his apartment in June, feeling as if I had just helped him set up a new life that I wouldn't be apart of.  Strange how we can sense things like that.  Break ups are brutal.  Especially when you spend 4 hours together every night in class.  Especially when you've cared about someone for so long...watching it fade and fall apart.

Allison went to coffee with a recently single guy--he had been with his girlfriend for 2 years and finally ended it because he didn't have that innate feeling that she was 'the one.'  I need to be brave.  Incredible how quickly things can change.  Part of me is afraid to face the world alone again.  To lose the current and the future in one, disastrous series of events.  If you don't risk anything, you risk even more.

I need to remember who I am.  I believe that I'm going to get that big love.  I refuse to listen to my inner cynic that wants me to settle for something other than butterflies.  I have them now, finally, will they stay? Fingers crossed...the universe will take care of me.