Oh what tangled webs we weave..

   Last night, I stayed awake, attempting to come to terms with the fact that I might end up scarred from this situation.  I tried to accept the fact that it was out of my control.  I tried to accept the fact that he might settle, in an attempt to fulfill his end of the loyalty bargain.  However unfair, I had to face the truth and accept the possibility that things may not end up beautifully.  I had to remember that I entered into Russian Roulette, knowing how it usually ends.  Knowing and feeling something are different things.  

  This morning, I woke up with puffy eyes and the will to find some sort of resolve.  I always want to do the right thing...whatever that may really be, I have no idea.  I jotted down a note, a note that declared my acceptance--no timeline, no pressure.  Like I said, I extended my heart in my hands weeks ago, knowing it may not come back in one piece.  I went to work, prepared for an icy gaze and found myself embraced in a long, needed hug alone.  Just us, our circumstances, and a hug that calmed all my frayed nerves.  I could feel the happiness radiating off him in my company, holding me in such a way that few people have.  We're more than okay. When I really think about it, the truth is that I do feel that we are going to work out.  I remember when we first started 'really' talking, we were wedged in a booth with R playing my 'getting to know you' game for kicks: "If you were stranded on a deserted island, who would you want to be with you?" both of us commented we would be perfectly fine on our own--today, he corrected himself and said that it would no longer be him alone, but that he'd have to have me with him.  This was a life milestone for me--admitting that perhaps I would be better off with someone else, than left to take care of myself.  Our friend commented that what we have together is what she can only hope she stumbles upon in her own life--that what happened between us was unavoidable, our paths would have ultimately crossed drawing us into a similar collision.  He collided into me and everything changed.  The worst part, is being a bystander in my own circumstances.  The second worst part is wanting someone so badly but not being able to have them.  He told me it's becoming too hard to talk to me so intently without wanting to take things to the next level--who knew that I had such self-control that I can handle being with him and not worrying about things happening.  I'm respecting the necessary distance.  I just wonder, when..when..when..when? When will I be able to give him 100%? When will I be strong enough to separate myself from J.  Tonight I called him and he was so cold to me on the phone...we argued about class and then ended the conversation.  I asked him if he was okay and he said he was fine.  Everything is fine; never completely terrible nor good.  My relationship is Switzerland.  How can I ask him for a timeline, when I haven't even dealt with the discomfort and sadness of leaving my own situation? Ripping off the bandaid--is there such a thing as good timing? Is there a way to avoid having 30 people in my classroom fully aware of our situation and watching us fall apart like a television show? Is there any way for J to understand that it was neither of our faults, and it just wasn't ever going to work out? Is there a way for him to know that I do love him, but somehow I'm not in love with him anymore? Too much has happened, too much has pulled us apart.  Without flames, it's just ashes.