The rain just started falling outside; I love the sound as it collides with my window pane.
What a perfect night for rain--I'm tempted to go outside, stand underneath the dark blanket and let the rain wash away all my worries and troubles. I would wake up in the morning, revived.
I don't know where to begin, really. I have been avoiding my journal in hopes that not writing about the nuances of my life would make them less palpable. So far, I haven't succeeded. I have someone on my mind all the time...for the first time in my life I'm in awe of a man. For the first time in my life, I'm scared that I might experience unrequited love--or realize that perhaps it was all just an illusion that I lost myself in. For the first time in my life, I'm ashamed at my inability to reason my feelings.
It all started about 7 weeks ago. I stood under the blaring light in the parking lot, losing myself in our conversation. I stumbled back to my car; contemplating why I felt like I had to unglue myself from you. Everyday I saw you, I felt drawn to you. I knew that I had to get to know you. In a desperate attempt to respect my relationship--I tried to envision you as someone you weren't, someone whose comments didn't replay in my mind for hours. When I finally sat down in my car, I remember thinking "I just met my dream man. I just met the man I never thought existed." I always felt like I had to settle, as if settling was part of the compromises relationships require. You were dropped into my life, a mirror image of everything I wanted, and all the things I never knew I needed. I question the reliability of chemistry; I've had the opportunity to sit with you and talk about traveling, teaching, people, love, marriage, childhood homes, and everything in between. You've been on my mind for 7 weeks. All this time, I wondered whether chemistry could be one sided--that our soulful connection could be the foundations of a lifetime of friendship. The strange thing is, I would settle for friendship because I can't imagine not talking with you anymore. I've fought with myself for weeks, analyzing every detail of our conversations to try and discover whether you felt it too. People told me I was crazy to think that you didn't. I guess, I'm not arrogant enough to think someone like you could fall for me. I never thought I would be lucky enough to feel what I feel when I'm with you.
Yesterday, you were so distant--when you looked at me, I knew something was different. Your normally penetrating gaze was frosted over like ice. I could feel that you didn't want to be near me. I thought back to our hour long conversations: huddled in hallways--too lost in eachothers eyes to notice what we were supposed to be doing; I thought of that afternoon you walked me to my car, I felt like you had something to say but you couldn't muster it..so we stood there until we could pull apart and say goodbye. I thought back to the night we finally sat down alone over coffee, 10 minutes turned into an hour--talk about teaching turned into how you got the scar on your forehead, my adventures in Europe, and our writing. I thought of how I felt when I saw you covered in 5 year olds, climbing over and up you--the look on your face was one of willing surrender. After not speaking to you, the damsel in distress bit brought us back together; I had to get faint so you could come and rescue me. And you did--you took care of me and watched over me--despite your distance, we couldn't help but get lost in one of our conversations. I know this hasn't been easy--our circumstances are always lingering in the way--but it has been kismet.
All of my initial questions were answered today. Today, I found out that you have been overwhelmed by your feelings toward me for the past few weeks. I found out that the reason you were so cold yesterday was jealousy, because you thought I didn't have the same feelings for you; what you didn't know was I experienced the same unfounded hurt every time you saw me, but didn't look at me. I found out that you can't control yourself around me anymore, that having such strong feelings for me when you are with someone else led you to self-loathing. I found out today that you think about me all the time and want to be with me. I found out today that I could be euphoric and devastated in the same moment. I stood in the stark white bathroom under fluorescent lights, wondering if I had discovered heaven and hell in one revelation. Our mutual friend was blissful at our mutual confessions...celebrating, celebrating what I could lose as quickly as I found it.
Over 7 weeks ago, our mutual friend crooned "you need to meet.." Over 7 weeks ago, I avoided meeting you because I was trying to pick up the pieces of my crumbling relationship. 7 weeks ago, I met you and felt that something big was about to happen to me. 6 weeks ago, I tried to compartmentalize your role in my life..I tried to imagine you as someone else. 5 weeks ago, I couldn't break my gaze from your eyes--talking about our hopes and dreams. 4 weeks ago, I saw you reading stories to children and left a part of my heart on the floor with my jaw. 3 weeks ago, I discovered that you're the most incredible man I've ever met. 2 weeks ago, I knew that my attraction to you was second only to our intellectual connection. This week, I found out that you felt the same way about me...and then I remembered we were both in strained relationships--neither of us are the type of person to hurt someone we care about.
So, 7 weeks ago I entered into a game of Russian roulette. I can't have you--but I can't be without you. I've never thought about kissing you, I haven't even touched you---our connection is so far beyond that. I know this happened at a strange time--but I also know that the universe puts people into our lives at certain times. I know that our connection feels once in a lifetime. I know that I'm afraid for you to tell me how you feel. I'm afraid that the ice might cover your eyes again--in a last ditch effort to avoid the unavoidable. I want you to tell me how you feel, not what we should feel. If we could find a compromise between our logic and our hearts--I think we'll be okay. I'm 7 weeks away from that fateful night; 7 weeks more enamored by you, 7 weeks unglued.
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