Nothing is as up and down as us.

Today was rough...in the most bittersweet, simple way possible.

Mierda.

Ironically i'm writing this to the tune of "Who loves you pretty baby" by the Four Seasons. I LOVE them.

It's official, tomorrow I begin packing for my epic adventure part 2. Do you have any idea how hard it is to pack for 6 months in a foreign country? Pretty sure I don't have a dryer either. Farewell bounce with febreze dryer sheets.


Last time I packed I was half-alive and sleep deprived. This time I'm rested enough to be aware of how much it sucks. pain in my ass.

This time i'm taking a different approach..i'm packing more comfort items (my massive hot pink blanket...yankee candle country linen home fragrance oil...my favorite paper flowers from santa fe, and a couple happy knick knacks from my bedroom, duvet cover to go over my down comforter sleeping bag from A.) being around my things makes me feel happy, so my room needs to be bright and clean. Don't laugh, when I was in london all I wanted was a good smelling candle and Hanna and I spent an entire day looking for one (It made me mad b/c my mom told me I was retarded for wanting to pack it before I left. Smited.) I also brought a costco pack of Mini-Wheats. That was my breakfast and lunch on the go. I'm crazy. Don't worry..this time the mini wheats are staying..but all I want to know is if there is a gym in my town. I need a gym like macaroni needs cheese.

Please god let there be a gym.

A and I are going to eat leftovers from christmas (yummy yummy) and watch a movie. Tomorrow we're hiking camelback--my legs are still so sore from legs today (walking lunges with a 40lbs bar..kill...ouch.)

The Aiport is the greatest place on earth.

I'm listening to a man with a horrific east coast accent talk about "important" business on the phone standing in line to check in at the gate. So annoying. He kept cutting the other guy off saying.."gotta go. I gotta go. gotta go." when he was literally doing nothing but irritate everyone else. Now he's complaining into the phone that "he's not happy" by the time the plane comes, i'm going to know his whole life story. great.

This is one of the reasons I love/hate the airport. Mostly people stare vacantly. Little kids are the best because they go around touching everything dirty and eating really gross things (like day old hot dogs...cheeseless pizza)--it's like a walking germ magnet.

Anyways, I was one of the annoying people flying. We brought Max on our trip--$100 to check him underneath the plane. It took like 300 hours to check him in, I had to fill up his water bottle which kept dripping on his blankets inside the kennel. The vet gave him a vicodin but i'm not sure it had totally kicked in--either way i'm sure he's in for the ride of his small life. BTW--the Fees are getting ridiculous. $15 for each bag. Lame. They charge you to breathe. P.S--who wants to buy one of those nasty airplane sandwiches anyhow? Gross. I've secretly thought about putting a toy watergun in my pants on the way through the safety screening...just to see what happens. Tell the guy with a creepy smile.."gotta stay protected." Anyways, the only thing they'll ever get me to buy is a water bottle, "mm..i'm stuffed." --speaking of which, we're watching Just Friends..somehow it never gets old.

another not so deep thought at 5:42 am..

Alright, here's the real root of the stupid insomnia. So of course it was bound to happen--my dad sent me a christmas card. To the innocent bystander i'm sure it doesn't seem haphazard, but to me--I wanted to get rid of it immediately. Too late, I opened it an hour later. Just a signature and some blase hallmark catchphrase.

Thinking about my relationship with my dad sent me on a search of journals, starting dec 2006 when it all fell apart--all the way through sep 2007 when I was still barely holding it together. I was utterly lost. That entire year was a quiet, unending tailspin, all because my dad walked out of my life and left me scrambling to pick up the pieces. I constantly struggle with it. In fact, I can say definitively it is the hardest thing i've ever gone through. But it has made me stronger, it also made me grow up. I had never really suffered a monumental loss before my dad....my Aunt Lenna was the first person who had died close to me; but I tentatively say it is almost worse to have someone be dead to you..but still be happily living without you. Strange.

I hate to think that stress about my father could be causing me to stay up every night. It's more than likely the reason, Amy called it a month ago when he was visiting my brother. It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth that someone could have such a profound affect on my life, yet not be actively in it. Maybe, someday years from now i'll thank my dad for forcing me to become independent and strong. Or maybe, someday years from now I won't feel his absence so much.

Either way, I guess it is too much to ask for him to disappear from my life for awhile, just long enough for me to catch my breath and recover from the damage he did--or that I enabled him to do?

Since i'm in the spirit of being painfully honest tonight; reading the entries from 2007 after everything with my dad...It's funny how the first response to grief/sadness is anger. I was really angry. It was so much easier to be angry than sad..I wish I could be angrier now instead. there is one entry that talks about my room as a pharmacy. I went in to talk to a therapist in early 07, I was finally rock bottom and just didn't know how to move on in my life, you know.. just get over it already.

My favorite angry quote of all time was from january 27th

So i'm going to have a miserable life while everybody else continues with their saturday night partying and drinking because nothing shitty has happened to them recently.

It makes me laugh now, I guess that's all I can do now is laugh about it. If you're ever pissed off at the world..those are some quality negative entries to find solace in. Anyways, so you can probably understand why they ended up putting me on anti-depressants, and anti-anxiety pills. I'm not sure what was worse--feeling the pain or being NUMB to the pain? I was pretty much a zombie version of myself. I stopped taking the anti-depressants after I came back from London, something in me just clicked. I know i'm not a depressed person, I never have been--I was just really hurting.

Going off the anti-depressants was the worst part, there are alot of side effects they don't tell you (like having no balance, bad headaches, and nausea) it lasted about 2 weeks.

I just hope, that anyone thinking about going on medication like that would really consider your options. Sometimes instead of numbing the pain, you just have to confront it. Our society is so quick to fix the illness instead of fixing the symptoms. It's like building a house with no foundation. I don't know, I hope that doesn't sound preachy--but it's been something i've wanted to say for awhile. On that note, i'm going to give sleep another go...knowing i'm waking up at 9am to do x-mas shopping makes me cringe. But i'm not going to let the insomnia ruin a productive day tomorrow.

Deep thoughts at 4:30am..not

 It occurred to me why i'm so secretly frustrated--i'm just ready to be active and moving towards something.  Productive.  Challenged?

I'm a bull in a China shop...and it stinks. 

I got an e-mail from Pilar, my bilingual coordinator in Cordoba, and she is so sweet--she sent me websites to organize my train/bus arrangements from Madrid to the city.  She may or may not be in town (it's Holiday) but someone will be there to meet me and take me to the other learning & language culture assistant's flat.  I'll feel strange staying in someone's home without them being there.  I guess i'll know what it's like to be a burglar..in a harmless way of course. 

I'm trying to figure out if it will suit me better to be in the actual city of Cordoba, or Posadas where my school is, just a few miles west of Cordoba.  Will (the other assistant) lives in Posadas, but Pilar lives in Cordoba.  To be honest, i'm not sure I could keep up with Spanish night life.  I wish I could predict where i'll be 2 months from now..  February 15th? I'm going to miss lots of things from home, my people in particular.  But i'll also miss my comfy bed..it's the best.  I'll miss Smoothie King.  My closet. I'll also miss television..mostly t.v  in english. Thinking about it too much unnerves me. 

Anyways, this insomnia is pretty much out of control.  I was tossing and turning listening to Bella snore and grunt in her sleep.  Confession--I sleep around her. I sleep in a ball anyway..so I'll consider myself a courteous sleeper, instead of an idiot.  

Wilson, you'll appreciate this--it's 4:18 am.  I'm typing in the dark, thinking about working out.  Why? Well, today was the first time in a really long time i've been intimidated at the gym.  Gold's Gym is really..macho?
Especially in Scottsdale, it's a ton of body builders and power lifters.  The few women who work out there are really really cut and muscular. I am usually the only girl in the huge weight area..sometimes i'm painfully self aware of the low female ratio. For instance, today was legs.  Here was my routine,  (i'm including random pictures..because I can.)

1. 10 minute maximum incline walk on the tread mill to warm up.

2. Deadlifts -- 5 sets of 10 repetitions . Today was super uncomfortable because I had nothing to set the bar on --I do mine from lower on the ground to get a better overall workout-- and I had to do it from the actual ground today.  Just...awkward..in general unless you have 45 lb plates on each side..I didn't. 

3.  Barbell squat--4 sets of 10.  Today, since I do the deadlifts in front of the squat 

rack already--.Men kept coming up and doing bench press behind me, so i felt like my butt was just right there.  So awkward!! A little space please?

4. Hack-Squat --4 sets of 10.  

5. Stiff legged dead lifts-

-I used a 60lb bar for 4 sets of 10, but once again--felt front and center; there was nowhere to go to have my own space so I had to do them by the bar rack, which is conveniently infront of everything. then to make things WORSE, I couldn't lift the 60lb bar to the top spot on the rack, so I had to rearrange the lighter ones from the bottom to the top just to be able to put it back.  FAIL.

5. Lever Seated calf raise--4 sets of 15

6. Squats on BOSU Balance ball--6 sets of 20

--this is where the work out go KIND of awkward.  I had to get my balance on the ball by holding the hack-squat or the mirror at first, then I would do sets of 20..i would find myself kind of bouncing on it when i was done, like a little trampoline..then i would remember i'm at the gym infront of a wall size mirror. painful. 

7. Seated leg press.
This is my favorite because I can do about 200lbs. But, I also like it because i'm in my own space. My own little area designated with these. lol, that sounds bizarree. However..this guy was kind of standing there..HOVERING. I told him I only had 1 more set and he was all dramatic "ahh..I was looking forward to resting" --well then why are you hovering?! 

8. Leg Curl.

Perhaps the easiest..but I just really liked this picture. 

9.  Wall Sits

I do about 3 sets, 30s, 60s, 120s. Today I did it at the end instead of inbetween sets..my legs were pretty dead.

In my defense about the self-aware thing..I think I was just having an awkward day.  Do you ever have those days where you feel like everyone is just staring at you? Like your afraid you have pen on your face or something strange?  I hate those days.  Today was definitely one of them. Normally when I'm at the gym I'm in my own bubble and no one can touch me, it's where I feel very relaxed.  No matter how stressed you are, you can increase the speed on the treadmill or stairclimber--work it out :) The other great thing about the gym is that you choose how hard it is.  You can have a great work out or a bad one, depending on your mentality. Plus, listening to my gym playlist makes me happy--it's everything from Britney Spears/Rihanna to Atreyu/Rob Zombie  .  I'm sure tomorrow will be better.  I think sometimes I just let myself get intimidated by the massive guys there.  I couldn't tell you really why.  I've always called the machines I use "big boy" machines.  Honestly, most of my girlfriends feel uncomfortable doing alot of the stuff I do.  I guess I understand--I had to make my guy friends show me how to do everything with the right form until i felt comfortable to do it on my own.  I think personal trainer's are really valuable; i've come back 100x better since I was sick.  I really appreciate what my body can do more than ever, I never want to feel that debilitated again.   Now i'm in gold's with body builders. priceless. 

P.S:  Wilson suggested he and i do this with Joe as the ref.  I'm pretty sure I have the "Act Casual" on lock. 

Para Mimenator: April 19-26 --The Cusps :)

Individuals born on the cusp of Aries (the first Sign of the Zodiac) and Taurus (the second Sign of the Zodiac) are ruled by both Mars and Venus. Intrinsic in this combination is the aesthetic romantic love typified by the Planet Venus and the passionate, action-orientation afforded by the Planet Mars. Such natives must feel deeply the focal point of their life and pursue it boldly. This cusp complements actors, actresses, fashion designers and dancers, who feel that the beauty and drama of life springs forth from the deepest urges of creation.

The Aries/Taurus cusp combination, also known as the Cusp of Power, corresponds symbolically to the period of human life at around the age of seven years. Here, the fire element of Aries and the earth element of Taurus can be both constructive and destructive. The constructive side of this blend displays a harnessing of energy to support and promote domestic existence. The Taurus aspect of this cusp has the expectation of creating something for posterity...the creation of children, the establishment of relationships and business are all equally important in the life of this particular mixture...and chivalry reigns supreme. The "down" side of this cusp demonstrates itself in burnout. The practical aspects of creating life here on Earth can stifle or even obliterate the inspiration inherent in this combination. Frustration occurs when the desire to propel the dream is thwarted by those of lesser motivation or real world restrictions. The typical "bull in a china shop" syndrome can manifest itself under difficult auspices and the desire to tear down structures that do not support the tender side of this personality become evident. Competition for a mate can take over the mentality of this cuspian until victory or failure is achieved. Children born of this combination need to be encouraged to pursue activities and studies that they love. The carry-over from Mars, the governing Planet of Aries, gives this cusp an impetuous touch that can become both powerful and dangerous through the self-willed and often stubborn nature of Taurus, which is controlled by the emotional and pleasure-loving Venus. When these cuspians act impulsively, then their plans suffer. However, they seldom "give up the ship." Having begun as go-getters, they become bullheaded and determined see it through. Often, they will take up enterprises just to prove that they can put them across...and they usually do. Because of this, these natives should exert their powers along honest and worthwhile lines. The self-esteem found in this cusp combination is exceeded only by the urge for self-gratification, which will invariably make its subjects unreasonable and overbearing unless self-control is developed.

The inherent nature of Aries/Taurus subjects is somewhat headstrong and often quite violent. These are generous individuals who are broad and extremely practical in their ways, but their natures are so dominant that they frequently find it rather difficult to work well under others. Liberally endowed with both originality and executive ability, the possibilities that lie within the paths of these cuspians truly is quite wonderful. They are strong, very confident and exceedingly determined souls who possess unlimited faith in their own knowlege. These are individuals who constantly and freely give advice to those around them...relatives or friends. There is also a strong magnetic personality here which makes these natives very persuasive, so much so that the advice given is often difficult to decline or resist. Yet, at the same time, they themselves are among the last to accept advice from others. Indeed, Aries/Taurus cuspians might well be considered strong-headed and persistent in their undertakings, often utterly heedless of any form of advisement regardless of how great the expense involved or how deep and true the knowledge of those who would offer well-intended suggestions and gentle criticisms. These cuspians possess excellent taste in all things and absolutely delight in the pleasures of food. They also find much enjoyment in displaying evidence of their thoughtfulness to friends by way of gifts and throwing dinner parties, etc. There is also immense fondness here for children.

Aries/Taurus natives strive for power in their daily lives, but the fiery and dynamic Aries character is tempered and grounded courtesy of the solid earthiness of Taurus. Thus, the undeniable trademark of these cuspians tends to be a preoccupation with power and their birthright is perceived as nothing less than the very best that life has to offer. Nevertheless, these individuals usually possess the ability of being able to pursue their goals without inciting antagonism in those around them since others others find it easier and more advantageous to agree with the powerfully persuasive Aries/Taurus cuspian rather than disagree. Whether it takes a long time or short time to achieve their ends matters little to these individuals provided they eventually arrive. Above all, they have a superb sense of timing and the talent to know when and when not to act. At an initial meeting, these cuspians frequently impress others as being quiet and self-assured...people who know how to watch and wait. Indeed, Aries/Taurus subjects refuse to waste time in proving anything to anyone. They would rather confidently hang back and preserve their energy for when it really counts. Thus, they make for formidable enemies and capable work colleagues. Indeed, their approach to work is highly professional and those involved in any relationship with these cuspians will need to understand that a career will always be at least as important. Others can benefit tremendously from an association with Aries/Taurus natives for they emit a powerful presence and sense of capability. These cuspians are well aware of the value of money...and also know how to attain it. However, the goal here is generally not so much in terms of financial security as a steady cashflow derived from work which will allow for worry-free spending. In the eyes of those born on the Aries/Taurus cusp, financial dependency on another is a liability...these are people who would much rather support themselves and harbor little desire to relinquish personal freedom. Learning to accept financial support (or any type of support for that matter) from family and friends may be difficult for these individuals but, like love, it will take them a step forward in personal development.

Aries/Taurus natives are extrememly generous characters...but on their own terms. They are inclined to give only when it suits them and are equally capable of taking back not only their gifts but also their affection. However, this is rarely done out of capriciousness or malice but because they feel their gifts have gone unappreciated or were undeserved. Often, the degree of giving here can, in and of itself, be intimidating and lead to the arousal of insecurity in less robust souls. Such a display of lavish behavior may create dependencies within both the giver and the receiver...dependencies which may, at a later date, be difficult if not impossible to break. In addition, individuals born of this blend possess a strongly marked sexual nature which can frequently lead to hasty and unhappy marriages. It is vital for Aries/Taurus subjects to be aware that the greatest power of all may be the power of love...whether sexual, affectionate, romantic, platonic or religious. Love appears to have an undeniable softening effect upon these cuspians. Although they may take and discard partners when it pleases them, they really do fare best upon a steady stream of love from one special person...particularly when such love is accompanied by unconditional giving on their part. Indeed, this may well be the closest an Aries/Taurus cuspian will ever come to true selflessness. At its best, this cusp combination is generally an excellent blend of natures, provided the cuspian in question chooses undertakings that are not only worth the effort involved, but also worthy of it. Here, there is a chance to turn initial drive into sustained power, particularly because those born on this cusp are suited to all the occupations related to Taurus, but should have greater prospects in those fields than the average person of that Sign. At its worse, this cusp combination posseses an unfortunate tendency for the cuspian to sink into the depths of depravity in terms of sensuality, dissipation and vice.

Many Aries/Taurus natives often secretly yearn to relinquish the daily battles of the world and simply submit totally to fantasy, pleasure, sheer laziness or perhaps another individual. Although this is virtually impossible for such cuspians to accomplish for very long, it is often a comforting thought in their hard-driving approach to daily life...a notion which may get them through many a difficult day. Indeed, those governed by this cusp combination tend to do best when they can "empty themselves out" from time-to-time (through sleep, massage, meditation or a vacation, for example) and allow themselves the opportunity to "recharge." In their leisure time, Aries/Taurus individuals are apt to play as hard as they work. Any activity of an athletic nature will be greatly enjoyed since sports provide a positive and healthy outlet for some of the natural aggression associated with this cusp combination. Both individual challenge (aerobics, for example) as well as the group challenge of such sports as football and soccer will be greatly appreciated. Aries/Taurus subjects also enjoy outdoor activities which allow them to get close to the earth (hiking, for instance). Indeed, these individuals could easily become expert rock climbers or kayakers or skiers...inherent intense activity and drive channeled through a great love and respect for the natural beauty of the outdoors is often apparent in this cusp combination. Conversely, the appreciation of art and culture here will also send these cuspians off to the opera and exclusive galleries.

With regard to relationships, Aries/Taurus cuspians are always able to make their presence felt in their interactions with others regardless of the circumstances. These are big people, capable of prodigious mistakes as well as sparkling success and they usually leave little doubt about where they stand. These are individuals who tend to choose rather than be chosen and once the sights have been fixed upon a partner, the matter is usually settled. However, this is not to imply that the judgment of Aries/Taurus natives is perfect. They will quickly take the credit for a wise choice, but the inherent inability to admit a major mistake tends to make these subjects very long-suffering. They are prone to "hang in there" not only because they are, by and large, faithful souls but also because to quit would be an admission of failure...and failure is something these cuspians do not handle easily.

Perhaps the greatest strengths of Aries/Taurus natives is to be found in their energy, initiative and courage. Their ability to take a project and "run with it" is virtually unparalleled by any other cusp combination of the Zodiac. Their more earthy side encourages stability and perseverance while methodical determination enables them to be productive when others have long since "given up the ghost." Indeed, this particular combination of fire and earth makes the Aries/Taurus cuspian one of the most dynamic, stable and passionate characters of the entire Zodiac.

The most important lesson to be learned by the Aries/Taurus native is that personal strength does not lie in the creation of ideas, but in their development...which is all the more reason for choosing well and wisely in the first place. Thus, it is important that these cuspians learn how to "back off" and allow things to happen as they will. It may also be necessary for them to become more sensitive to the feelings of others. As with all cusp individuals, these cuspians tend to be attracted to others born on the cusp...particularly those who fall within the Taurus/Gemini and Scorpio/Sagittarius combinations.

• -- Possess the fiery forwardness and willfulness inherent in Aries --
  
• -- Possess the practicality, endurance and nurturing inherent in Taurus --
  
• -- Has a markedly dominant personality --
  
• -- Becomes very uncomfortable if forced to submit to the control of another --
  
• -- Highly strategic in thought and action --
  
• -- In no hurry to see results --
  
• -- Expert in thorough and painstaking preparation --
  
• -- Reluctant to allow things to happen as they will --
  
• -- Somewhat insensitive to the feelings of others --
  

Notable Aries/Taurus Cuspians Include:
Adolf Hitler; Catherine the Great; Vladimir Lenin; William Shakespeare; Catherine de Medici; and Barbara Streisand

Tell me what you know..

You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You must do the thing which you think you cannot do.

Fill your paper with the breathings of your heart...

When we cannot bear to be alone, it means we do not properly value the only companion we will have from birth to death - ourselves. ~Eda LeShan

I know what men want. Men want to be really, really close to someone who will leave them alone.
Elayne Boosler

Writing is the only thing that, when I do it, I don't feel I should be doing something else.

Life is a process of becoming, a combination of states we have to go through. Where people fail is that they wish to elect a state and remain in it. This is a kind of death

The colossal misunderstanding of our time is the assumption that insight will work with people who are unmotivated to change. Communication does not depend on syntax, or eloquence, or rhetoric, or articulation but on the emotional context in which the message is being heard. People can only hear you when they are moving toward you, and they are not likely to when your words are pursuing them. Even the choices words lose their power when they are used to overpower. Attitudes are the real figures of speech.

To exist is to change, to change is to mature, to mature is to go on creating oneself endlessly

A person needs at intervals to separate from family and companions and go to new places. One must go without familiars in order to be open to influences, to change.

The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers.

You may wonder, 'How can I leave it all behind if I am just coming back to it? How can I make a new beginning if I simply return to the old?' The answer lies in the return. You will not come back to the 'same old thing.' What you return to has changed because you have changed. Your perceptions will be altered. You will not incorporate into the same body, status, or world you left behind. The river has been flowing while you were gone. Now it does not look like the same river.

A rare glimpse of the endangered DIVA

So last night my brother was in a very interesting mood.  After ranting about the gay actors in hollywood again, he proceeded to inform me that Southpark had said Scottsdale was the most unlivable city.  I wanted to interview him about his thoughts, because he seriously is the most random, entertaining person I've ever met.  The quote of the night was said to my mother.."Don't leave any money to family.  Instead, spend the money on preserving your brain by freezing yourself." I went to interview him in the den, where he was watching CNBC on the couch.  What followed next was completely unexpected...and very diva.  

A few things.

Firstly, Bella looks ri-dic-u-lous.  Part of me is entertained as hell, part of me is embarrassed. Bella is sporting a baby pink glitter sweater. 

So funny! 

She was snoring soundly on my bed, so I snapped a picture--

Before you start making rash assumptions that I did this--my mom bought her the abomination of a sweater last winter in Flagstaff.  Festively, my mom is calling her "Pink Princess Bella" tonight.  Erin couldn't stop laughing when we were watching the movie and Bella's melodic snoring/farting proceeded the duration of the film.  Painful :) 

SECONDLY, 

Mimi you are going to die.  I was organizing my DVD's and came across a little box full of notes from highschool.  I now realize how I survived all 4 years--intensely secretive and creative notes.  Our medium of choice? My Bible.  We wrote notes about boys in my bible.  pahahahaha

((The above picture has lyrics of "I'm a Slave 4 U" by Britney Spears.  Re-written by Mimi on the Contents page ))

((this note is regarding my friend trying to have a guy over while her parents went to a banquet dinner.  I also thanked her for letting me borrow her bible in period 1.  I think I drew a picture of a penis in hers. lol))

If it wasn't through entertainment of PAULA (in the impala) in highschool (errr..remember when we saved bad chicken for a week and pretended to be sick in the girls bathroom during 7th hour? Priceless awkward bathroom moment will be remembered for-ev-er))--it was moments like SUPERMODEL DOCUMENTARY HOUR!!! That are probably responsible for my easily entertained mind of awkward moments/thoughts.

"Nice Guys Finish Last" cont..

((The first portion was written on December 6th...here's the next part i've come up with.))

Shit. I was supposed to call Carla an hour ago.  I looked at the night stand clock, 12:30 PM.  I have no idea where time goes.  I threw the comforter off the bed, digging through the sheets to find my cell phone.  

"Yo," was her answer.  

"Yo? Been indulging in some BET?" I retorted, pulling my dirty jeans on from the floor. 

"That's my business.  Starbucks?" She replied mysteriously.

"Sounds good, i'm rolling out of bed as we speak--are you put together?"

"Mmm.." I could tell she was checking herself out in the mirror, "Decent.  I'll see you in a bit." 

         I decided it wasn't right to wear two dirty clothes items, so I rustled through my closet to find a clean t-shirt and baseball cap to cover up my bedhead.  I had this obsession with baseball caps, so much so that Jason bought me a CAL hat that had my name embroidered on the back.  His nickname for me was Dee.  Unoriginal, but it was the first nickname I'd had since my brother called me ding dong back in pre-school.   Anyways, it is my favorite hat.  I grabbed the keys off the dresser, slid into flip flops, and shoved my wallet and phone into a purse that was much too big to serve any practical purpose.  

    Driving to Starbucks mid-afternoon is my favorite thing.  I love people watching at the esplanade--you get a great mix of bored socialite housewives and everyone else who tries too hard.  Being in the presence of such material perfection makes me aware of my own flaws. I've never been the type of girl who is put together well; something is always amiss.  I look at other women and sigh to myself and think--how do you do it?  Does it take as much as time as I imagine it does? Or is there some pampering secret they are holding out from the rest of us?

    God bless my mother for trying so hard.  She would practically have to pry my food-smeared uniform skirts from my hands in high school to be washed regularly.  To me,  it just never really mattered.  I have been an athlete my entire life, thus beauty always came second to extra sleep.   That saying about "dressing for the day" just makes me laugh--it just makes you that more peeved when something gets spilled on your expensive blouse or suede boots.  Which always happens the moment you decide it's worth the risk on a random afternoon outing.  

    Carla was never hard to find, she always wore colors you wouldn't think existed outside some shroom' inspired rainbow.  She pulled it off either way.  Today was particularly festive, peacock blue with some kind of emerald green beading. 

 "My love!" I crooned, enveloping her in a hug.  

     My favorite part of Carla was how much personality she packed into her petite 5'1" frame. Her happiness bubbled over and onto anyone in her vicinity, contagious.  "You look just lovely," she taunted.  

"Oh please, like I care.  I overslept this morning," I replied nonchalantly, opening the door into the familiar shop.  

I love the smell of coffee, and the sound of newspapers crumpling.  But the very best thing about Starbucks is that no matter what state or country you are in--they all feel like your local spot.  She looked at me skeptically, pulling a ball of lint off my pocket, 

 "Oh fine, Jason's out of town. Give me a break." 

She laughed easily, and loudly.  That always bothered me but I never mentioned it--it was blasphemous to imagine Carla with anything but a loud laugh. 

 "So, since the ball and chain is on vaca--what are you doing this weekend? Specifically, tonight?" 

  "Mm..you caught me.  I was going to.." I paused thinking of what my real options were.  Walk Puddles, watch lifetime, or maybe if I was feeling really spontaneous I would read the new romance novel I had secretly purchased. "Actually, what did you have mind?" 

  Carla worked for Bebe and somehow knew everyone,  which led to great perks at club openings, etc. Her life was pretty glamorous, sometimes I was envious and then other times I was perfectly content with my quiet, predictable existence.  The one thing about Carla that both stumped and inspired me was her disinterest in serious relationships.  She had ended things bitterly with her ex Kyle a couple years ago after dating throughout college.  Nobody really understood it at the time, they seemed happy, but she explained it as an early-life crisis and decided any type of commitment was too much to ask for now.  Her blackberry danced on the table, sending ripples through my black coffee, "Working on Saturday?" I inquired.

An annoyed sigh escaped her lips, "It's Keith."

"Oooh...Keith? Really? I thought you ended that." I trailed off, watching a woman outside force her miniature poodle into a hellacious louis vuitton bag, screeching and yapping.  I scrunched up my nose, almost feeling sorry for the pink clad creature. I turned back to observe Carla. 

"Well I did, er..I was going to.  He is fun.  We do have fun. But I just feel like he is so frou-frou.  And really, a music producer? Sketch." Her eyebrows raised slightly reading over the text, "Speaking of fun, I was going to see if you wanted to go the Pussycat Lounge, but Keith's label is actually having a promotion at Dirty Pretty.  Fun, right?" She purred. 

I could just see it now.  Carla and I dressed to the 9's, weaving our way through a bunch of over-tanned, platinum barbie look alikes, while men flaunting cheesy pick-up lines crowded around the perimeter of the dance floor, looking ravenous and ready to pounce.  I bit my lower lip, on the other hand it would be nice to get out and let loose.  

"Evan's going to be there. I think I forgot to mention that." Her eyes sparkled in mischief.

I almost choked on my coffee, "Evan? My Evan?" 

"Yes, Evan whom you should make beautiful babies with." She joked, tossing her hair and eyeing me curiously.  I rolled my eyes, "Beautiful babies are the last thing on my list, but thanks.  I don't know, that could be interesting.  Maybe too interesting," I paused, folding the splenda wrapper into squares, " I mean..ugh, he may not even want to see me." The truth hung in the air, and I immediately wanted to snatch the words back and shove them into my mouth.  

"Not want to see you? You really are out of your damn mind.  What do you expect? The guy is only going to give you so many opportunities before rolling over to the next girl."

Her words stung, I don't know if I could really tell you why.  Evan was the one guy I just couldn't shake.  There are relationships where you have the upper-hand, and relationships where you are just tongue tied the minute they walk into the room.  We had a checkered past, nothing serious, but he popped into my mind from time to time.  The guy I wanted but couldn't have.  

"Do we have to talk about it? It was awhile ago, anyway.  I'm sure in his mind it was nothing.  What time would we need to be there?" I surrendered, seeing Evan peaked my interest.  I wondered what he would say when he saw me? Does he think about me too? My pocket vibrated, bringing me back to reality--Jason was calling. 

nosferatu. aka...bella

So Bella is an obese man trapped in a small Chihuahua's body. 

Normally, her trucker etiquette doesn't bother me--it actually comforts me. But tonight her inability to find a comfortable spot in my nook and continual wheezing made it impossible to sleep. I think Bella is actually sick--plausible cold or terrible allergies? After the third time she woke me up with this awkward snort/wheeze I surrendered and decided to take her downstairs to get some water or fresh air. 

I'm not sure how to take care of her. Once I put her by the water bowl

she moved by it and began searching the floor for remnants of food. Food is her number one priority. Now we are sitting on the sofa, waiting out her strange behavior at 2:55 AM.

When I first got her, she totally manipulated me. Never having had responsibility for a dog of my own, I assumed when she woke me up at odd hours she MUST have to pee. WRONG, there I would be in my underwear with Bella outside my apartment at 4am in December. Just looking for scraps of pizza--her own mission impossible. I also thought perhaps Bella wasn't potty trained. That wasn't true either, in fact--my dog is spiteful. When she's mad at me--she leaves poop outside my bedroom door. My brothers have learned recently that their doors being shut is not acceptable..2 pieces of poop outside both doors.

It's come to the point that if you asked me who I would want to be stranded on a desert island with, my answer just might be Bella. I'd never go hungry. Me and my little survivor.


I wish she could tell me what's wrong. Considering Bella is more like a small demon than a dog, i'm surprised she's not speaking in old world languages, casting spells...levitating.

 I'm googling dog allergies and coming up with nothing. For years, if someone asked me what my super power of choice would be--hands down it would be having the ability to read minds. That would move mountains in my own life. I would love to know what the people around are thinking. Could you imagine if you could know what the man sitting in front of you is thinking? Knowing what people want from you? Maybe the english major in me is always reading in between the lines instead of just listening.

Well googling has led me to a dark place..I just stumbled upon a heading that said "Why your pet should go organic." I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that someone wrote it or the fact that I read it. Yikes.

 She kind of smells too. I guess I won't judge her, sometimes sick people smell. I still love her. I think i'm going to look for Benadryl and see if that helps her if i put it in yogurt. Then maybe, if we're lucky--I'll be able to climb back into bed and sleep peacefully.

Don't make fun of me, but I love the astrology stuff.

I feel like this is frighteningly dead on about me.  Is it really not my fault--and just when I was born? haha

She has to lead, to be the first one to do anything. At times, her independence does not go well with the male ego. However, an Aries girl never wants a puppy for a lover or a husband. She seeks a man, but not the one who constantly chases her. The best way to woo her is to throw subtle hints, be a little detached and keep her wondering. Give her the impression that you can resist her charms and she will come rushing to you, to prove that she's desirable. Aries women will never have to yearn for male attention.

They always get plenty of it, but inside they will be waiting for the one they cannot have. An Aries woman can survive even the toughest of circumstances alone and has the ability to come back even after the most gruesome tragedies. She can play the role of a female perfectly and, at the same time, can do everything that a man can do. If you have managed to subdue her aggressive drive, you will be treated to a woman who is full of optimism and has such faith in future that can uplift your mood also.

An Aries female does not like flattery. You should be sincere while complimenting her. Over-sweetness and too much closeness can make her run away, but she doesn't want you to be too detached also. You'll have to maintain that delicate balance and still keep the romance alive. Once she has committed to you, she will be extremely sentimental and very loyal. Don't dominate an Aries female and don't let her dominate you. Either of the extremes, she will not be able to tolerate. Give her reasons to be proud of you, but do not forget to praise her for her talent too. Her expectations are too high, but she will also give you double in retur

You will get plenty of reasons to be jealous when you are with an Aries female, since she is more comfortable with men than women. However, don't be suspicious of her, she would be really hurt. She is possessive, but she doesn't like to be possessed. She wants her freedom and your complete trust. Remember, if she's committed to you, you have no reasons to doubt her loyalty and sincerity. An Aries woman is much too truthful to be involved with two people at the same time. She will first break up the relationship that is not working.

She is extremely passionate and believes in forever-lasting relationships. Though, this leaves her disillusioned many a times. She will never play games with you and is incapable of deceit. An Aries girl is nothing if not simple, innocent and very emotional. Maximum chances are that she will continue her career even after marriage. She loves challenges and believes in miracles. Though it sounds a little freaky, but miracles do happen in her case. Just like a typical Aries, she never learns from her mistakes and is likely to fall in the same hole again.

For her love means sharing and that means sharing everything, right from her emotions and checkbook to your bank account. Always respect an Aries woman and never try to dampen her zeal, or she will be hurt. Though she tries to show that she is very strong, she is as innocent and as vulnerable as a baby. Be there to comfort her when she runs up to you after being disappointed with the world. If you stand up to her when she comes to you like this, you will never ever lose her. An Aries female will never forgive you if you fail to fight for her.

In return, she will always be there with you, even if she has to go against the whole world. She is not the one to feign illness, but if she is really ill, be there to care for her. She is quite extravagant and giving her the debit cards will mean an empty bank account. She will be a caring mother, who makes no unnecessary fuss and sparks children's imagination. An Aries girl has a bad temper, but it will go away as quickly as it came and leave no grudges behind. She is a complete woman, who gets hurt easily and is totally innocent. Though she is a little impulsive and bossy, she will give you complete security, fight against the world for you and be yours forever!

Confession

I'm sorry that people are so jealous of me... but I can't help it that I'm so popular.

Okay so i have a random confession, I have to get it off my chest. Do you ever have those moments where you have a complete fantasy about doing something absurdly cocky or bitchy? Hmm..like--going up to another catty girl and just being like "Yes?" or..going up to that person who just gets under your skin and letting them have it? In the most eloquent and perfect way possible? I think I humor myself with envisioning it because at the end of the day, I wouldn't let them win by addressing their superficial remarks. But i'm not going to lie..I would love someone else to do it for me.

Truth be told, I think girls are relatively psycho. Particularly what I like to call "Desperadas"--these are the worst kind of girls.  These girls will basically throw themselves at any guy--regardless if they have a girlfriend or not.  Desperate. I hate that.  Why would you want a guy that you have to go out of your way for? I guess that doesn't particularly sound right..but if you have to do EXTRA nice things to get a guy's attention or approval--he's probably not the guy for you.  Likewise, large groups of sorority girls uttering "like..oh my god..frickin'..." etc. make me uncomfortable, only to be amplified by their strange neon orange skin.

I guess if push came to shove I could hold my own with the cattiest of them; 4 years of an all girls catholic highschool left me equipped with bitchy comments and a thick skin. I've never been the type of person to get unnerved by girls..mostly because it's just not worth it.  It also taught me, that majority of the time--the most insecure girls are the ones cutting other people down.

 I think at the end of the day i'm blessed to have unique girl friends who are confident in their own skin; who limit drama and discussion of horrible things like how cosmopolitan changed their life, or how going to the gym without full make-up/hair is not an option.  Times like these, I feel it necessary to imbibe mary catherine gallagher..who could very well be my kindred spirit.



To conclude, William Faulkner writes..“Once a bitch always a bitch, what can I say."

That's all. The End.

I'm a work in progress, just like my stories.

“Our battered suitcases were piled on the sidewalk again; we had longer ways to go. But no matter, the road is life.” - Jack Kerouac

“One’s destination is never a place, but a new way of seeing things.”

I keep having dreams about Spain. Nothing in particular that would stand out enough to write about-- I still don't feel like i'm going back, but I do feel like i'm running out of time to see everyone and do everything I want to at home. I really wanted to see Amy before I left. She can't come out for New Years..and it made me so sad. The majority of my short time back at home was spent recuperating-now I feel cheated in a way. It'll be interesting what I have to say when i'm coming back home again. Feeling like I ran out of time to see everything...we always choose time as our preferred opponent. I'll probably also be just as whiny about packing. I hate packing, you always forget something important..but small. Like a comb. Or toothpaste. Hanna told me to make a list.

In an attempt to be organized, after 1 month 1/2 i finally unpacked my massive suitcases. I felt really productive that day..but now i'm kind of stumped why I unpacked in the first place. Anyway, Mandy asked me to bring her ranch corn nuts.

It's weird though, I haven't wanted to write what happened to me there..thus a bunch of entries with quotes. I think because i'm still ruminating about everything, soaking it in. It was the biggest decision I have ever had to make-- To tough it out without help, or go home and tough out having help..feeling judgment. Maybe I was afraid of feeling weak, accepting defeat? I know that sounds crazy, but it's true. I still feel uncomfortable when I bump into someone and have to explain what happened. I don't like that about myself. I'm a work in progress, just like my stories.

I started thinking about where that discomfort comes from, and it's definitely rooted in always being the strong one, taking care of myself. Definitively, since the age of 5 I have felt this pressure to be great, do great things..and never crack under stress. The pressure isn't a bad thing, but a constant reminder of what i've done, who I am, and ultimately who I want to become. I guess the weird thing..the saddest thing.. about this random journey is that I don't have the confidence in myself the way my family and friends do. Part of me is strong, unbendable--but that's because i've had to be, I couldn't change my circumstances so I just dealt with it by smiling instead of crying.

Recently, i've learned a lot about myself and what my strengths/weaknesses are..what I need to change and what will always stay the same...i'm the absent minded professor, the person laughing while standing in line about a random thought, I cover up being shy by babbling about everything and nothing at the same time, my organization is impeccable, I have the strangest dog in the world but nothing could suit me better and i love taking care of her, my OCD deals with things being symmetrical (it drives my mom crazy), I like being spontaneous but am equally stubborn when my mind is made up, working out keeps me balanced, I generally read a book in one sitting, and I love listening to other people tell stories..or just talk.

This summer in particular I learned that you can't run from things, because they always catch up to you. It's annoying but true. I hate being sad or bitter, so in an attempt to ward off any unhappiness I distract myself (usually in the form of cleaning and organizing EVERYTHING) Insomnia eventually wins and then my journal becomes my place to get piece of mind. I went through and read some of my old entries, dating back to 2006 when Lenna passed away and my dad left. It's frustrating to look back on how much i struggled to grapple with their loss. I think Lenna would be proud of me these days. All things considered, I still struggle, but i'm doing better..i'm moving on even though sometimes I feel like it's 2 steps forward, 3 steps back.

For a long time I haven't written a really reflective or in depth entry--These past 2 months have been a period of growth. It killed me to be sitting in my room, alone, thinking about how something as random as Mono changed everything. I can't think of a better way to explain it. I can't believe I pushed myself to the point that I had a seizure the week before I left for Spain. I've never been so scared in my life. Well, to be honest--being asked if I was pregnant or on diet pills by paramedics in a room full of practical strangers is pretty terrifying too lol.

Anyways, after finally making in back home in one piece-- I didn't want my life to be on pause, stuck in first gear. All I wanted to do was be active and get things going again. It still baffles me that I would get weak going downstairs to my kitchen. Too tired to eat. To add to the discontentment, was when my brother told me my Dad was coming to visit him.
It was the past affecting my present my new..separate life from him. He also told me my dad asks about me. It weird how a simple statement can have such an affect--it makes me feel like I got punched in the stomach and can't breathe. It was the first time my mom and I had a real talk about it. She avoided the house that day too. They've been divorced since I was 3 and she couldn't even feel comfortable. That validated me in a way, to see the strongest most independent woman...slightly off balance.

I can't imagine what is coming my way with the next few months. I feel like my life is a revolving door--as if, as much as things change some things stay the same. I'm the same, just a little less wide-eyed..and little less unsure. I'm still nervous about things beyond my control..but i'm strong again..in my own quiet way--i'm here..present..and that's enough for now.

you bet he needs to wear the helmet.

Kenny sent me this priceless SNL skit, telling me it reminded him of when we first met. I don't think that makes us tragic, i think it makes us epic. I proudly wave my freak flag....daily.

Video Recaps | Full Episodes | Webisodes

"After all is said and done, more is said than done."

Relationships aren't wrapped up in a pretty bow--people aren't simple..surface,   so I don't know why we would think relationships can be so black & white, uncomplicated, simple. Think about it, the first tales of romance you hear probably revolve around "Romeo and Juliet" ( wrongful suicide..based on miscommunication) "The Little Mermaid" (false pretenses of identity) oh and now..I'm all about the against all odds romance of Edward Cullen and Bella from Twilight.  ( my favorite quote from the book.... )

"I’m here, and I love you. I have always loved you, and I will always love you. I was thinking of you, seeing your face in my mind, every second that I was away. When I told you that I didn’t want you, it was the very blackest kind of blasphemy."

I think that is what every girl wants to hear in their life..something epic..hm.

There is a story about the Greek Gods; they were bored so they invented human beings, but they were still bored so they invented love, then they weren't bored any longer. So they decided to try love for themselves. And finally, they invented laughter, so they could stand it

Throughout dating a lot of talk gets thrown around about mixed signals. Personally, relationships or another person's interest kind of hits me on the head out of nowhere--i'm always oblivious to when someone is interested. My plight in life is being awkward...but I like to think that to my soulmate it's just endearing and part of my strange charm. It's kind of like getting a present unexpectedly..you like me too? Either way, I think dating is a pseudo game of russian roulette. Not that we're trying to kill eachother..but it's like who is going to make the first move? And who is going to put themselves out there? No one wants to be rejected or think wrongly by misinterpreting 'signals'..so then you just have two people standing there staring at eachother..wondering what the hell the other person is thinking. I hate that. Is dating really as simple as "boy meets girl, boy falls for girl, boy and girl live happily ever after," because I haven't heard any fairytales that say "girl meets boy, girl falls for boy, boy and girl live happily ever after." Maybe i've got it all wrong anyhow.



So either way, of course I found this a great opportunity to give into my fascination with google. I googled mixed signals and stumbled upon this article from August 2006,

In a society where it is often difficult to speak from the heart and feel with the soul, do we spend too much time playing mind games, sending out signals and trying to read signals? And what if we get those signals wrong? Do we end up alone nursing a hurt ego – or even a broken heart?

New relationships can be exciting and full of flutterings. There is anticipation, hopefulness and fantasy. There are dreams of a future with only that new-found special person. But what happens when the hope and fantasy is dashed? What if you find someone and you get them all wrong? But what if that isn’t down to you? What if you have been lead down the garden path?

There are men in this world who categorise their women. These men drop their women into one of three boxes:

Firstly, the box that labels a woman as a definite possibility: this woman is everything he wants. She meets most, if not all, of his criteria. He finds her attractive, good conversation, and loves the thought of seeing her and spending that quality time. Most significantly, he would happily take the box home to meet his mother.

Secondly, the box of no return: A woman placed in this box is a definite no-no. She isn’t his type and there will never be any possibility of more. These women have the lid closed on them and have to await their true knight in shining armour to come and pull them out.

And then there is the third box – and this is where things become confusing, but only for her: She is the woman who is attractive and good company – but with whom he never wants a relationship. She is the woman he wants nothing more than casual sex with; a no-strings relationship that involves booty calls, phone or text sex, passionate kisses and hush-hush meetings – but no commitment or acknowledgement of existence. She is his ‘bit of stuff’ and will never be more.

So how does this Box Three relationship happen? Well, in the beginning, there is chemistry and laughter, sexual attraction and flirting. At this stage, she usually contemplates where this could lead while he already knows she belongs in the third box. But at what point does this become clear to her? Answer: quite often, when she has already started walking her way to the first box; quite often, when she is already past the point of no return.

It is a sad situation that new relationships seem to lack communication. We can feel immense attraction to another human being and talk of our pasts, our presents and our dreams for the future. We can kiss and make love, feel excitement and passion, but why can we not talk openly about what we feel, what we are to each other, and what we want to be? By the time this happens, we are usually already actively trusting and caring and this could spell disaster. Why do we not set the rules in the beginning? Why do we allow ourselves to fall into a trap? Why do we not care for our hearts with more dedication?

For the woman walking her way to the first box, it can be a difficult and painful moment when she realises the lid is closed. It involves rejection and humiliation, unanswered questions and self-doubt. Mr Man will walk away as his ‘bit of stuff’ became too complicated – wanted more – while Miss Third Box is left to wonder where she went wrong and how she ever got the wrong end of the stick when, really, she ‘played the game’ flawlessly.

And so I leave the question with you: as we grow and take shape, and decide to step into other peoples’ lives, shouldn’t we first take a moment to decide what we can offer and then share this thought? Because if we rely on signals and the correct interpretation of them, someone, somewhere along the line of three boxes, is going to get hurt – and all because, he spoke a language she was never taught.

I'm not sure I agree with her--I think things are more complicated. I would love to write an article about it..but mine would come up without any answers. I'm not familiar with text sex..but whatever floats your boat. I do like that she says, "he spoke a language she was never taught" which reinforces my theory about 'the casual hook up' and how we weren't given inherent rules about it. But I know plenty of guys who complain about girls leading them on, etc, etc. We're all screwed up. Like I said...people are rarely simple. I guess in the end it's understandable to fall back on the saying..what's meant to be will always find a way.

my new work in progress..."Nice Guys Finish Last"

I didn't ask for this. I thought it was what I wanted, but it is an absolute disaster. Years ago, when I was getting dirt thrown at me during recess, I would cry and wish for my Prince Charming. Now I have three. But it is true, what our parents would warn us about before sleepovers--three is definitely a crowd.

My love life has become this sordid three ring circus, starring the apologetic ex, stable boyfriend, and the can'thavehimbutwanthim crush. You are probably judging me, I don't blame you--some nights I lay awake and judge myself.

Let me explain, my name is Delaney James..wanton love jinx. It started when I was a little girl in pre-school. I was sitting on the swings, whirling myself around on the tip of my toes--when it hit me, well he hit me. Derek..you know the guy that was even cool at age 5? He knocked me off the swing and went off running to help Princess Amber. As I lay there with my chin in the mud, it occurred to me that the damsel in distress will always win the Prince. Have you ever taken the time to look up the word damsel? Well it means a young, unmarried woman. A few months ago, that definition would have incited fear and images of several cats. But now, with more than one Prince in the story, the simple fairy tale I've counted on my entire life is suddenly...well complicated.

It's 11am and I'm still in bed. Tangled up uncomfortably in cold sheets--I can still smell him on my skin. It isn't a cologne per se but something more crisp. Jason smells like mountain scented detergent. I tucked my nose into the t-shirt he left crumpled on the side of the bed and took a deep breath. It occurred to me then that I missed him and his annoying chipper morning attitude. The first night he stayed over I knew it wouldn't work out--he rolled over, morning breath and all, planted a big kiss on me and breathed, "Good morning, beautiful." I wanted to smack him. It was circa 7am, I could smell the sleep escaping his mouth and was instantly resentful that I had to be an object worthy of adoration that early. A year and a half later, I am accepting that this rational man believes my bed-head, mismatched boyish pajamas, leftover makeup, and rank morning breath are adorable, somedays even lovable.

Jason came into my life in an oddly storybook way. I was dragging behind my oversized mutt in the park, when Puddles took off running after a stray football. Before I knew it, I was partaking in a game of chase with a labrador and my least favorite sports object. Sprinting clumsily in my flip flops, dodging small children and waving off disapproving mothers, it occurred to me that I was completely out of my league with this dog. I keeled over with my hands on my knees, eyeing Puddles in defeat. "You win, you're in charge. Just hand over the ball," I crooned, reaching slowly to pick up the leash. I had cornered Puddles against a big Oak tree, beckoning him forward repeating the word "treat" innocently, desperately. The drool oozed around the ball wedged in his teeth, and the low growl implied my tactics were a no go. Suddenly, a whistle and leg pat coming from behind me turned Puddles back into an obedient dog. Typical, as if nothing had happened. Jason smiled up at me smugly, holding Puddles in a playful chokehold as the ball dropped easily to the grass.

    He extended his hand, "Looks like your dog just kicked my ass as wide receiver. I'm Jason Stech." Cute, very cute. His playful hazel eyes took me in, a hot mess. My hair had fallen from the loose ponytail and stuck to my conveniently make-up less face. Embarrassed, I shook it lightly, and attempted to wipe the dazzled look off my face, 

"Marisa...and this thief is Puddles. I can't thank you enough. I definitely have my hands full with this guy," I trailed off and patted the dog.

 His confidence caught me off guard, "Well, you could thank me by going out to dinner with me tomorrow." 

  I agreed to dinner, and coffee later that day. I broke the faux unavailable rule after 2 months of dateless weekends, and the iron will to mend my embittered heart.

Quotes for thought.

"Time is a sort of river of passing events, and strong is its current; no sooner is a thing brought to sight than it is swept by and another takes its place, and this too will be swept away."

"In the confrontation between the stream and the rock, the stream always wins--not through strength but by perseverance."

"How far you go in life depends on you being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving and tolerant of the weak and the strong. Because someday in life you will have been all of these."

Gym time, to be continued.

Apple Cider Vinegar?

So we all know I go through phases of obsession with random products (Mr. Clean Febreze scented cleaner, Mini Wheats, Oatmeal Squares, Safeway Salsa, Colombian coffee)..this time it's something random and unexpected--APPLE CIDER VINEGAR!


Apple Cider Vinegar actually has severalwebsites--where has this little miracle worker been hiding from me? Even Fergie takes shots of apple cider vinegar for weight loss (fergilicious= ACV? granted..no studies have actually proved this)


So last night I took it upon myself to take a shot of apple cider vinegar, circa 11:30 at night. Expectation being that I was going to puke..but I took it like a champ--envisioning the overall health benefits. Anyways, I thought of it because one of the workout fanatics I know told me about it last year as a way to lose weight and avoid a hangover. I was skeptical, but last night took to my googling addiction and found a great website about all things apple cider vinegar.



Not only does Apple Cider Vinegar help with weight loss

2 teaspoons of ACV in a glass of water at each meal. No change in the daily food intake is required except to avoid high fat containing foods

. it can also be used on blemishes

Apply a solution of apple cider vinegar and water (2 tablespoons to 1 eight ounce glass of water) with a cotton ball several times a day. This will help reduce infection and dry out inflammation.

It can also be used on bruises (i.e for people like my 17 year old brother who still get embarrassing hickey's)

Dissolve 1 teaspoon of salt in ½ cup (125 ml) of warm apple cider vinegar and apply it to the bruise as a compress

Last night, Dupree was sitting on the couch and was complaining about leg cramps from his work out earlier. ACV has a fix for that too amazingly,

Muscle cramps can be caused by a calcium and magnesium imbalance in the body and by a lack of vitamin E. To help prevent the recurrence of cramps, take a regular tonic of apple cider vinegar (2 or 3 teaspoons to 8 ounces of water) along with 1 teaspoon of honey

Another website talked about how it is good to use on your skin, to clear complexion and add a healthy glow.

Skin exfoliate: Exfoliates skin and softens skin, Helps clear acne

A quick way to beautify yourself with apple cider vinegar would be to simply rub your skin with a few drops of apple cider vinegar. That's right, its as simple as that!

First, make sure that your skin is clean and wet, so as to allow the apple cider vinegar to work more effectively, as the top most layer of oils and dirt will be washed off. Next, dab a few drops of apple cider vinegar to your skin and rub in a circular motion, as though massaging the skin for around thirty seconds. This will loosen the dead skin and effectively exfoliate the skin. Lastly, rinse off the apple cider vinegar with clean water, and enjoy your more radiant skin.

1) Apple cider vinegar soak and hair rinse: Aids muscle tone, skin softness and hair shine

Adding a cup of apple cider vinegar to your bath water when you soak can do wonders. The apple cider vinegar allows the skin to soften, while at the same time toning up and firming your muscles. The high potassium levels are also able to sooth any muscle aches that you may have. Allowing your hair to be rinsed in apple cider vinegar moreover, adds an extra little shine to it, and also rids your hair of soap residue.


So I just tried it out, rubbing a few dots of apple cider vinegar on my skin after rinsing it with water..and my skin is SO soft. It was a little red at first (probably because of the exfoliant) but now it's just really smooth and radiant. I also added it to my bathwater and my skin was baby soft. Two thumbs up :)

Britney!!

Firstly, Britney's "For the Record" debuted this week--so impressive and honest. It's interesting that she let camera crews follow her around and told the whole story, most people are not comfortable letting anyone see them vulnerable. It was amazing to see the paparazzi bubbling over to snap pictures of her in the car or shopping, it was also disheartening to see someone living their life in a glass house--no privacy, alone time, or peaceful solitude doing everyday errands. While most of us are dreaming about success and riches, she is dreaming about being alone on an island with her children and

 dream man. I guess the 

grass is always greener on the other side.

Lastly, I wanted to applaud her on her integrity as an artist. When the interviewer inquires whether or not she sees herself as a victim of fame, she takes a moment and responds that she is not a victim--the jest of it was that she does what she loves and victimization is a mindset she doesn't have. She actually gets upset when people talk about being a victim of celebrity--she said she just tries to see the positivity of every situation and gets mad at herself when she has a bad day.

I suppose it's relatively impossible to always have a good day, but I think it's important to slow down and see the silver lining. I wish I could do it. I actually think i'm going to try more to be positive and lighthearted instead of taking everything on all the time. I get it when she talks about art as her medium--it's nice when you can just let it all out (for me..obviously it's writing)  Like Britney, I'm going to go through my life like a karate kid.

PS: You can listen to her new album on her website, britneyspears.com --and per usual, her music is top notch and great to work out too (it makes me feel better if britney can come back better than ever, so can I :) lol ))