another not so deep thought at 5:42 am..

Alright, here's the real root of the stupid insomnia. So of course it was bound to happen--my dad sent me a christmas card. To the innocent bystander i'm sure it doesn't seem haphazard, but to me--I wanted to get rid of it immediately. Too late, I opened it an hour later. Just a signature and some blase hallmark catchphrase.

Thinking about my relationship with my dad sent me on a search of journals, starting dec 2006 when it all fell apart--all the way through sep 2007 when I was still barely holding it together. I was utterly lost. That entire year was a quiet, unending tailspin, all because my dad walked out of my life and left me scrambling to pick up the pieces. I constantly struggle with it. In fact, I can say definitively it is the hardest thing i've ever gone through. But it has made me stronger, it also made me grow up. I had never really suffered a monumental loss before my dad....my Aunt Lenna was the first person who had died close to me; but I tentatively say it is almost worse to have someone be dead to you..but still be happily living without you. Strange.

I hate to think that stress about my father could be causing me to stay up every night. It's more than likely the reason, Amy called it a month ago when he was visiting my brother. It leaves a bitter taste in my mouth that someone could have such a profound affect on my life, yet not be actively in it. Maybe, someday years from now i'll thank my dad for forcing me to become independent and strong. Or maybe, someday years from now I won't feel his absence so much.

Either way, I guess it is too much to ask for him to disappear from my life for awhile, just long enough for me to catch my breath and recover from the damage he did--or that I enabled him to do?

Since i'm in the spirit of being painfully honest tonight; reading the entries from 2007 after everything with my dad...It's funny how the first response to grief/sadness is anger. I was really angry. It was so much easier to be angry than sad..I wish I could be angrier now instead. there is one entry that talks about my room as a pharmacy. I went in to talk to a therapist in early 07, I was finally rock bottom and just didn't know how to move on in my life, you know.. just get over it already.

My favorite angry quote of all time was from january 27th

So i'm going to have a miserable life while everybody else continues with their saturday night partying and drinking because nothing shitty has happened to them recently.

It makes me laugh now, I guess that's all I can do now is laugh about it. If you're ever pissed off at the world..those are some quality negative entries to find solace in. Anyways, so you can probably understand why they ended up putting me on anti-depressants, and anti-anxiety pills. I'm not sure what was worse--feeling the pain or being NUMB to the pain? I was pretty much a zombie version of myself. I stopped taking the anti-depressants after I came back from London, something in me just clicked. I know i'm not a depressed person, I never have been--I was just really hurting.

Going off the anti-depressants was the worst part, there are alot of side effects they don't tell you (like having no balance, bad headaches, and nausea) it lasted about 2 weeks.

I just hope, that anyone thinking about going on medication like that would really consider your options. Sometimes instead of numbing the pain, you just have to confront it. Our society is so quick to fix the illness instead of fixing the symptoms. It's like building a house with no foundation. I don't know, I hope that doesn't sound preachy--but it's been something i've wanted to say for awhile. On that note, i'm going to give sleep another go...knowing i'm waking up at 9am to do x-mas shopping makes me cringe. But i'm not going to let the insomnia ruin a productive day tomorrow.