god damn people are funny.

I love funny people.  Love them.  Whoever created textsfromlastnight.com is my new bestfriend.  Here are a couple ones that made me smile..

"and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening"

"(330): First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down"

"(303): I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund."

"(617): i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.(508): i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me"

"i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes"

"White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy."

"(585): This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation."

"(405): I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome"

and this one just made me painfully happy..

"(404): "tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?"

"(508): awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets."

P.S. I miss you

I'm missing my right arm, (kenny) and it's most palpable in the moments I just want to call and share the story I know only he would get. I know we are supposed to be supportive of our friend's big adventures..but selfishly, I would love to have all my favorite people within a 1 block radius.

"Good friends are like stars-you don't always see them, but you know they are always there. "

Let's not take a trip to negative town..

Cursed, I'm the absent minded professor. Let's review..cat card? replaced over 15 times. Dorm room key? Gone for the entire second semester (Yes my room was unlocked..) Gold's Gym pass? Lost every other morning. THIS MORNING...my bank card. I pretty much ended up destroying my meticulous retreat in a frenzy to find it. Retrace my steps..retrace my steps..Guerneville, China Town, San Francisco, Los Angeles, various airports, Grand Canyon, Flagstaff, Gold's, Ulta, Bashas..It's amazing what places you will look when an important thing is missing. Every jean pocket was turned, every purse was emptied (thankfully recently organized and cleaned..) suitcase liners, laundry basket, washer, dryer, couch cushions, three cars, are you tired of my list yet? I was exasperated. As I stripped all my bedding off and shook each thing out..my hands rested on my hips as I stared over my linen pile..totally pointless. I watched the clock tick to 9:30..goodbye spinning. Officially awake at 7 am for no real reason except to look through my house and ransack my bedroom.

After talking to Wells Fargo and double checking my online banking, I gave all the cars one last run through...sure enough behind my driver's seat..the little silver card sparkled. Why is it..you can look some place..and then 15 minutes later when you've given up..there it is?

I was definitely frustrated. It was one of those easily avoidable situations you kick yourself for. I don't understand how I can be so neat and organized..but constantly misplacing my everyday essentials like the gym pass. I tried not to get too flustered, but I just felt irritated by the whole stress of searching for it, calling the bank, worrying about it that by the time I stepped into the gym..I couldn't focus enough on my work out. Sure enough, by going to my tried and true tension release after weights, the hill session on the tread mill balanced me out. Nothing like endorphins to put a bounce in your step.

So anyway, it got me thinking--the theme of my return home has been positivity. I really believe in laws of attraction--you get back from the universe what you put out. I know that most of the time, many situations are beyond our control, but what is in our control is our attitude. I haven't mastered this "perfect positive attitude" 24/7 yet (as this morning reiterated)..but it's something I'm aware of and making a conscious effort to improve. I don't know if anyone is calm and calculated all the time..but I'd like to be as close to that as possible..if it's possible.

“There is little difference in people, but that little difference makes a big difference. The little difference is attitude. The big difference is whether it is positive or negative.”

“When we create something, we always create it first in a thought form. If we are basically positive in attitude, expecting and envisioning pleasure, satisfaction and happiness, we will attract and create people, situations, and events which conform to our positive expectations.”

“A positive attitude may not solve every problem but it makes solving any problem a more pleasant experience.”

Unrelated.. YOUR (POSSESSIVE) and YOU'RE (YOU ARE) simple..simple..simple.

There are no words when someone suffers the loss of a loved one..

In life we suffer ineffable losses..it is what it is; never easy, never understandable--losing a loved one makes me wish forever existed.

Life is eternal, and love is immortal,
and death is only a horizon;
and a horizon is nothing save the limit of our sight.

Death is as casual-and often as unexpected-as birth. It is as difficult to define grief as joy. Each is finite. Each will fade

The cure for grief is motion.

For death is no more than a turning of us over from time to eternity.

Where grief is fresh, any attempt to divert it only irritates

The one that speaks the most to me is this,

Grief drives men into habits of serious reflection, sharpens the understanding, and softens the heart

Still waters run deep

"The only people for me are the mad ones, the ones who are mad to live, mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time, the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn, like fabulous yellow roman candles exploding like spiders across the stars...."
-Jack Kerouac

Tomorrow morning we are going to the Grand Canyon--I'm really excited to hike it. I can only hope it won't be a tragic fail like Fossil Creek. We are bringing Bella along for the adventure as well (She's obviously staying at the top...). It'll be good..there is nothing like the sound of feet hitting the pavement to empty your head and heart.

Something is unnerving me today--I can't place my finger on it. Maybe it's nothing..maybe it's everything. If I told you--I'm searching for something but I'm not quite sure what that is yet, would you get it? It's as if I'm so focused that things are becoming blurry--too concentrated.

I had a thought last night when I was talking to Wilson: do you find it strange that I can never see myself being married? Is that normal? This would be a good conversation to have when the girls are all together..get a group consensus and opinion. But, I can't. Sometimes, I have this vision---an aisle with white chairs but the groom is out of focus, unable to be seen. I don't know if that's because right now..I'm really on my own..and that's the way I want it. I used to be more involved in the dating scene..or in dating..or I'm not even sure how to explain, needless to say I was acting my age--but these days...I feel distant from that whole world. The odd thing is I've done it myself. I can go on a date..but I'm not really invested. What a strange thing to admit. Just something that occurred to me last night. I'm tempted to delete this whole paragraph--that's the worst part about writing things--it's easy to erase it and pretend you never had that thought in your head. Amazing how we fluctuate one day to the next. Or maybe it's just me.


These days, it's true-- "Still waters run deep".

Apparently I'm recycling-retarded.

Well my mom just threw my infamous "google it" quote in my face--allegedly my paper plate isn't legitimate recycling. I'm confused..paper..plastic..? When did I become blonde about recycling? So I took her advice and am about to embark on a recycling adventure...don't judge me if you are already a recycling aficionado.


Quick Facts:

•  United States makes up about 5% of world's population but is largest producer of trash at 1,609 pounds per person per year.
  

•  Thus, 5% of world's population produces about 40% of world's waste
  

•  Recycling in the United States is only about 28% (doubled from a decade ago..I guess that's positive) 
  

Granted we are still seemingly ahead of the European curve--

•  Greece falls short with only 10% of its waste being recycled and the remaining 90% going to the landfills.
  
• The UK is estimated to recycle about 17.7%, and Ireland, Italy, Portugal and Luxembourg being not too far behind.
  

Alright I ended up just googling, "Are paper plates recyclable?" and thus far I've gotten mixed answers. I was redirected to Scottsdale's website...






Annnnnnd my mom won this round...

No Facial or Toilet Tissue,Paper Towels, Paper Plates, Paper Beverage Cups, Napkins,Gift Wrap, Diapers, Pet Food Bags,FedEx or Self-sealing Envelopes

However all beer pong enthusiasts can do their recycling part,  those little red cups are good---

All plastic cups and containers #1-7, plastic bottles, jugs, jars, yogurt containers, cottage cheese containers, margarine and whipped topping tubs, "Clamshell" food containers and disposable plastic cups

It made me so happy

So..if you know me..you know that my Grandmother is my favorite person to be around. She is so positive and intelligent--her wit and tact leave a permanent smile on my face. She's 95..and amazing. My favorite thing to do is sit with her and read, looking out over the garden, talking about life, books, and everything in between. I curled up in my grandpa's old chair, blanket on my lap, eating cherries, reading "Emma" by Jane Austen. 
It was one of those rare moments where you are totally, undoubtedly, home. My childhood is tucked away in every corner of her garden; from playing in the creek, picking apples in the apple orchard, sprawling out in the grass with the sun on my face, to enjoying lunch on the deck, looking at the hydrangeas.

This weekend meant so much to me--I decided that I need to go back and visit my Grandma before school starts on the 24th so I'm trying to set out a solid week to spend time with her. When I was perusing her bookshelves, I found a journal with a red flower on the front, inscribed inside was 'From Amy--1981.' Her scrawled penmanship encapsulated over 20 years of life and experiences. I slid onto the floor, completely oblivious to everything going on around me, and started reading the stories through my 23 year old eyes versus the memories I remembered from my childhood perspective. These are the things I wanted to ask my grandmother but never have been able to, given the day, after her stroke in December 2006. I swear to you, written notes in books have been the puzzle pieces to the past. Grandma reminded me that the notes we leave in books are like having a conversation..and I can't tell you how many times I've re-read Lenna's writing in my favorite books and laughed in agreement or scrunched my nose at a shared dislike. I don't know how to explain it to you...but I read that she planted a rose plant on each of our birth days...told me my parent's anniversary was March 23rd, explained the move from their estate "Los Arboles" to "Seven Gates" on Armstrong Woods Road..and told me about her love for my grandpa, they shared "the closest thing to a perfect marriage that could exist." Her re-telling his last days with us, and laying in bed holding him for 2 days before he passed away will always be with me. Those are the stories you don't hear as a child..and those are the things that mean the most now.

I left the book for now..I'm going to dedicate a whole day to it when I go back in a couple weeks. My mom said it was only one of many diaries. I hope with all that I have that I can find them. That would mean the world to me. The conversations I may not ever get to have with her after the stroke, in her own words, in the moment. I hope that encourages you guys to keep a diary. Sometimes for kicks i'll go back to the same day 2 years back to see where I was at that time..it's good to see where you've grown and where you still have work to do. Does that make sense?

Okay enough about that. After we first got to Guerneville, I took Antonio to one of my favorite places--The Redwood forest. It's about 1 mile up the road from my grandmother's house and it's breathtaking. It's quiet, peaceful and dark. Like entering another world, losing yourself in the height of the trees, where the sounds of the city fade away and after a few steps are long forgotten.






On Saturday we went into the city, started out by Ghiradelli and Fisherman's Wharf--then hopping on the cable car to China Town and Union Square.

Spotted--totally metro man rocking a fanny pack at Union Square in San Francisco. I almost did a happy dance. I wanted to be like.."(nudge nudge) I have one too.."


I have to tell you..in all seriousness..the fanny pack is so convenient. That's why they were so popular. Who needs a shoulder bag when you can have all your essentials conveniently located in a little pouch? Likewise when your cell phone is going off in your fanny pack..a nice glow effect is created. Fanny packs really up the ante of any outfit..especially... when dazzling with 80s-esque dance moves. I wish I could wear it everyday. Maybe i'll bring them back.


We went to my Mom's old house in the Berkeley hills..it's so beautiful there. We went up to the lookout point and took a couple photos over the city..

Then we went down to grab coffee and lunch on Telegraph AVENUE (WILSON)..I got yelled at by a homeless hippie who was saying "I just want to get drunk!" about the same time I was looking to make sure Antonio wasn't totally traumatized..but she thought I was shooting her a nasty look and yelled "Don't judge me or i'll start to judge you" I was going to stop and explain the misunderstanding but decided..better if I don't.

The rental car PT Cruiser (right up there with my love of mini vans..no offense. it's like cruising around in a pimped out hearse). performed a fantastic feat today at the parking garage..we got locked in and I got out..moved the cones and propped up the traffic block bar (correct word..no clue) and my mom flew out the entrance. I don't know what happened to the parking attendant or why the cones were there...but needless to say my mom was riding dirty in the pt cruiser with Antonio as a fateful co-pilot.


you should also know..antonio has one of those pay as you go phones and this 480 number keeps texting him about covering shifts, birthday parties, etc. he's told them several times its the wrong number and after they have refused to stop calling/messaging. So he is now texting this 'kendall' person back--"how much does the shift pay? what time should I be there? how are you?" they have been texting since we were in the shuttle from the rental car place..his latest text read "Well I was hoping to talk because I feel depressed. Love you honey" while anxiously awaiting them to realize he is not the person they meant to text---a lesson to not text the wrong person.

Okay...saltiness subsided.

Alright I almost have to wag my finger at myself. So I know I woke up bitter with a dating hangover. Yes..a dating hangover..I think they exist..where the events of the night before are so haunting that you wake up with a bad taste in your mouth and a headache..as you cringe when flashbacks hit you.

As far as things go..you just have to laugh. It's funny when I write about awkward dating experiences because in general..that's not a big aspect of my life right now. My life feels whole and the right guy would be a welcome addition..not a necessity.

I was talking to S last night and we had a great idea..working our way through cook books. One recipe a weekend on girls night. I love that idea and can't wait to get it started after I finish my summer traveling extravaganza. (Last weekend LA, San francisco this weekend and then the Grand Canyon next weekend..)

So..after a little reflection and coffee..I let go of the bitterness and realized I feel like I could be giving back to the community a lot more. I have been thinking a lot about Zeus and when we first got him. Zeus was from the humane society and was about to euthanized..my Mom went just to look randomly one day after work and they had an immediate bond. The woman at the shelter said we shouldn't get a chow-chow for a family environment because they are prone to aggression..anyone who knew Zeus knew he was kindest soul. Afraid of flies. Moped around a little like Eeyore. I miss him.

So..I started googling animal shelters near me and am going to phone around today about volunteering. As far as working while I get my Master's, I want to be doing something fulfilling..my mind is going a thousand miles per minute.

Antonio and I are riding our bikes to go play tennis and then will probably stop by Starbucks on the way back before going to the gym. It's one of those days where I just want to get out all the tension in my body via sports. Tennis is great for that, just put all your energy into a serve..see what happens.

Stranded in the dating desert of douchebaggery. SOS.

Imagine--it's 109 degrees, the heat is blaring on your skin--no cars in sight, no movement, no sound. It's just you...crawling from exhaustion..being followed by slow-moving (because their jeans are too damn tight), over-tanned, over-waxed, Ed Hardy wearing, douchebags. You try to get up and keep running..but you can't..you've probably been slipped a Rufi by one of their ugly, desperate friends. LOOK OUT! Old Man River is coming to pick you up in his expensive car..shit move, his bad cologne is going to suffocate you! AH! To the right there is an over-confident and over-sexed 17 year old try to hit on you at the gym.."don't let the baby face fool you"--get me out of here!!!



Dating in the rampant douchebag social scene of Scottsdale has just about become too much. I, Courtney Elizabeth Emert-Taylor, surrender to the Douchebag gods--I want to make an official karmic-cleansing apology to any guy I have ever treated badly, any d-bag I made fun of at a bar, any guy I didn't call back, any too nice guy I walked over, etc...etc.

It's not just me, this rant is coming from a couple months of shared dating disasters. I would like to say my epiphany started coming to me when one of my bestfriend's shared a nightmarish story about a dating disaster. This dating disaster is priceless because my friend is the prettiest, tiniest, sweetest person you'll ever meet--and in an attempt to get back one of her main study books--she had to listen to her douchy ex on the other side of the door 'mocking' and 'taunting' her by talking to his dog saying "it's okay..the scary/crazy lady will go away soon." Are you kidding me? She about flipped a bitch on the door, which just makes me laugh because she's so calm and small--she never got the book that day but he did later return it to her..bad case of ugly guy with an attitude.

And then it's at the bars..if one more upper-middle aged man tries to hit on me, I'll scream. What vibe am I putting out that it's okay for you to blatantly try and pick me up? I was in the womb when you were hitting the streets for your 21st. No silver foxes need apply..it's at the point at the gym that I want to be like, "Oh..if you think I'm attractive, I look just like my Mom and she's single."

I just can't wrap my head around the awkwardness of the dating scene these days. Last night, we'll call her friend A went over to a guys house she had been talking to for about a month--upon arrival any shiny object caught his attention. He was acting anxious/tense as hell. After one of his ADD episodes, they decided to get a movie. Closed. Went to the movie theatre. Big Surprise, nothing playing. Then they went to a bar to see if anything was happening..it wasn't. He then inquired what her friends were doing. RANDOM WEEK NIGHT. She's never had a guy try so hard to not just spent time with HER. En route, they ended up stopping at every "flicker of light" that caught his eye. The worst part is she had brought him baked goods, then after their tragic car adventure, upon arrival he said, "You can come up if you want, but I'm not really doing anything." She simply asked for her plate, her dignity, and an exit.

I think I just need to go back to Spain where dating wasn't even an option.

I just don't want to keep dating these toolbags. A guy can seem charming at first..and then 1 monthish later..he's a nightmare. My only advice to any girls who are likewise in the dating desert of douchebaggery--keep your standards high and stay classy. I have more class in my pinky finger than the skank bags wandering around on Saturday night have in their whole body. That's probably why guys don't remember how to work for it..skank bags make it easy.

F.M.L.

I said it yesterday morning to Antonio on the way to the gym and I'm saying it now--I'm out. I am out of this awkward, dating, russian roulette game. I have a life--a great one, and I don't need bad dates bringing it down a notch. Please God..no more bad dates!

It's been awhile.

I'm kind of at a loss of where to start. The one thing you can count on in life is that nothing stays the same. And things..definitely aren't the same.

Zeus passed away yesterday. I just couldn't get home fast enough. I believe that everything happens for a reason...but right now I'm just baffled by how crazy-complicated yesterday was. A domino effect of bad circumstances and luck. I've never lost a pet before..and it's an incomparable feeling of helplessness and sadness. I'm grateful that he wasn't in pain and that he had a wonderful life..he was a wonderful dog. That's all superficial words of comfort I tell myself--the truth is, some things are tragic and painful. Sometimes, I wish forever existed. Pets are family, their absence is felt in the most ineffable ways. Today was quiet around the house and he was really missed. An absence that doesn't seem real just yet. It's hard right now. I'm not as strong as my mom is about these things..I honestly wonder about life's hardships--does death, loss, ever get easier? I can't imagine that it really does. In fact, I hope i'm never accustomed to it.

The other news is that Kenny officially moved away to Australia. That's another thing, you never realize how important someone is in your life until they aren't there anymore. That's an adjustment too. It's hard to be away from the people care about--an unfair aspect of individual journeys.

I got accepted into the Master's program and my first day is August 24th. It hasn't really hit me that I'm starting this adventure, dedicating myself to teaching. It feels like i'm going about the movements without really processing my actions and the end result. I'm excited but absent--it's a complicated ambiguity. Transitioning without reflecting.

This is a really random entry--it's odd I have no desire to write. So much is going on in my head that it's easier to just check out today. I've allotted myself one check out day. I think it's a mixture of things--circumstances are sad, but life has not been sad. I think lately i've had this calm around me, no matter how stressful or chaotic things get, I still have an ability to keep my head above the water.

I just have to tell you that yesterday on our trip from LAX to Ontario airport to get on a flight, I met a soldier returning home for 15 days from Afghanistan. He had this somberness about him....someone you could sense had seen things..done things. It makes you think about selflessness. It also made me think about the words I couldn't express--a gratitude, respect.

There are these people among us, military, police officers, fire fighters--people who are willing to risk their lives to help someone else. I'm awed and humbled to even begin to comprehend the bravery and humility of their character. I've just met so many genuinely kind and giving people the past couple days in the oddest of circumstances--people really are incredible...and for that I'm thankful.