There is a positive that lays in the negative of the traumatic experience. When we are triggered and re-experience the trauma; we are given the change to let light into that room and see the experience emotionally and spiritually. As we embrace our trauma, it becomes our medicine---a positive force. 'Making light of the dark' is the binding force that can help empower you. When we understand that, the violence no longer owns us. the traumatic experience is revealed and knowing this you are at peace---the trauma is no longer a threat to your present consciousness.

What do you think...

What do you think about this quote:

I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived.

and...

"What we need to know about loving is no great mystery. We all know what constitutes loving behavior; we need but act upon it, not continually question it. Over-analysis often confuses the issue and in the end brings us no closer to insight. We sometimes become too busy classifying, separating, and examining, to remember that love is easy. It's we who make it complicated." - Leo F. Buscaglia 

and..

Only those who avoid love can avoid grief. The point is to learn from grief and remain vulnerable to love.

and...

"I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness and the willingness to remain vulnerable." 

I wrote once that I would never open myself up to feel that disappointment and pain again.  I wrote not about a heartbreak, but about my father.  I talk about him so stoically now.  Years later, I have succeeded in becoming emotionally removed from the situation.  Most situations that involve a loss.  I can talk about him, but I don't feel him.  It must be some sort of survival instinct that kicked in with me; I won't let myself grieve or feel sadness.  My mother's words after the attack ring in my ears, "You can either choose to move forward or choose to be a victim." I remember refusing to crack emotionally under the pressure.  I'll never forget the frustration I felt in front of a classroom, trying to control my shaking voice.  I wondered how long my voice would shake when I spoke, so weak and intimidated.  Faces of 17 year olds, staring at you, thinking you're just nervous to be in front of them.  I wish it would have been that easy.  I always feel this pressure that it is unacceptable to not just magically be okay.  There is no cure all for wounds, particularly wounds of the heart.  Sometimes in life it seems as if we are just left to put ointment on our scars when we're alone, and in public we just cover them up as if it never happened.  A secret healing process no one talks about.   

I see other people in pain and I just want them to feel better.  Unfortunately, I think that I do that by trying to be strong for them--as if I can't mourn a loss with them because I want them to feel as if things are okay.  It's so hard to explain.  I'm just not sure when this transition happened.  Maybe it came out of frustration that life never stopped when I needed that pause.  My friends had things going on in their own lives that put my personal struggles on the back burner (as is true with life in general).  I guess I didn't want to get life behind, as if staying present in that sadness kept me from leaving it in the past.  In the past, where I so desperately wanted it to be.  Away from me. 

I've been dating someone and I realized that I've never exposed my "weaker" side.  Not once.  I didn't fumble when I answered their questions about my father, I didn't cry when I talked about the attack.  I don't want anyone to see me...to really see me, unless they are really going to stay with me.  I shared so much of myself with Jeff and Jason--and it opened me up to criticism and discomfort.  With Jeff, at the end I didn't feel as if there was room for two wounded people..and with Jason, he couldn't understand my wounds.  Eric actually just wiped his hands clean of me and my "stuff." You can't really reveal yourself as a total mess when you're beginning to date.  The truth is, i'm not a total mess, but life hurts sometimes.  The fact that I have no, zero, relationship with my Dad after three years is just sad.  I've moved on and I'm okay, but he's not in my life.  A whole history of my life is gone now.  Christmas mornings, learning how to drive a car, dinner with my Nanny, driving to the lake, camping, going to Oakland A's games.  

Relief--the memories, and that gnawing ache.  I'm not actually a robot, I'm just...reinforced and hiding. 

Trust only movement. Life happens at the level of events, not of words. Trust movement.  


We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy.


The glue that holds all relationships together - including the relationship between; the leader and the led is trust, and trust is based on integrity.


Distrust all those who love you extremely upon a very slight acquaintance and without any visible reason.

Since I can't sleep..

I always catch myself thinking..what was I doing at this moment last year.  Where was I? Have I made any progress? Well, since I was writing about paternal relationships, I stumbled upon my entry from February 26th of 2010.  It was just after a terrible fight with J.  I was blind sighted by his aggressive stance on my relationship with my father.  I had to walk away from him in that moment; confused and wounded.  He contemplated breaking up with me because of my loose ends with my father.  I can tell you now looking back on my story with J, that that was the moment I knew we were going to have an ending.  This is what I wrote to him, I'm not sure if I could even tap into that emotion about my father anymore...:

It happened on December 16th, 2006.  I had just finished studying for finals, fortunately I had/have never been good at keeping up on emails because my Dad wrote to me to tell me "Eventually being self-centered like your mother will not lead you to a life of happiness. and Happiness is the key to life.  I will no longer contact you."  I sat on the couch in my apartment, watching the shadows move across the wall as the day passed.  My fingers punched send into my cell phone--no one answered. Everyone had left school for winter break, and because bad news never has good timing, I spent the day struggling with how to pull it together.  I write "my fingers" because that day, everything was out of body.  I saw myself, but I couldn't help myself.  It was like I was crippled by hurt.  I was alone the entire day, with my thoughts, my sadness, my fear, I had no solutions.  I just remember crying, crying until I fell asleep--wishing to wake up to a bad dream.  I'm embarrassed writing it.  I always feel like I have to validate the 6 month depression I fell into, because i'm not a weak person, but I felt weak.  I felt helpless.   I think that's why I am always bracing myself for the impact your words could have on me--I don't want to feel helpless, unprepared again like I was that day.  Not to say that this "precautionary" emotional guard is only for you--it's for all possible upsets.  Fortunately, these days there isn't as much hurt to anticipate--my major reinforcement periods are around holidays...I used to open cards from my Dad, curl up on my bed and cry.  It was the moments I was most disappointed in myself and my inability to protect myself. 

Remember when we would talk about people using relationships as band-aids? I still believe that--that you have to be a whole person before you can be in a relationship; happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else.   What I'm coming to realize, but not fully accept, is that perhaps me being a "whole" person does not imply that I'm perfect or without "baggage." I have tried very hard to move into what you described as a "healthy" place with my relationship with my father.  I never dealt with it well, sometimes it meant not dealing with it all, and other times that meant becoming overwhelmed by it.   Now, I am at a point of acceptance--not would of, could of, should of..just is.  That's all I can do, and it's my best.  I stumble every so often, like when I went postal after deciding to send my father a Christmas card.  I hated that you didn't know where that was coming from.  I felt so frustrated, feeling possibly inadvertently judged--and I didn't mean to put you in that position, maybe some part of me wishes you could be that person for me innately.   Because however you may feel about my situation--being without him is best for me.  I write that without hesitation--I feel it with every fiber of my body. I need you to know this too for when I forget, slip and start to unravel.  I have spent my whole life being told I'm not good enough ( a 3rd grader should not feel that they have to have a work out regime)--and I no longer want to enable someone to make me feel like I'm not good enough.  I somehow needed you to be the omniscient person that tells me "It's not your fault."  The person who fights on my side, because at the end of the day you believe in me. You wouldn't know this, but despite your impressions that I'm cold or closed off to my father--it's quite the opposite, I've spent years wishing it was different, he was different, and that I was someone he wanted.  I mistakenly used to think his approval defined my value, I could not fathom what was so awful about me that I was not worth loving.  I became tired of playing the "victim" role, of feeling sorry for myself and my situation.  This is another reason I disdain talking about my Dad as much as it is a part of my day to day existence--because playing the victim is not the part I want to play in my life's stage.  The pain I feel embarrasses me.  

Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head.
-- Ann Landers

The way I was brought up, something within me, feels that crying lets him win.  I can imagine this ideology is rooted in some pep talk my mother gave me about pre teen girls.  I applied it to my Dad--I did not want him to "live rent-free in my head."  Wishing things were different does not move me forward, it does not change the past, it just makes me discontent with now.   This is why when you asked me "If I would feel bad" I automatically inserted "if my dad and i never had a relationship" and the truth is--I will not, because I cannot.  I cannot continue to punish myself for something that happened to me as a bystander.  I intuitively feel that you would question my use of "bystander"--but in truth, my relationship with my dad was always something that happened to me, I was never able to be part of it.  It was never on my terms or about me.  I spent my childhood trying to make him "proud" of me--I always wanted to be athletic enough, pretty enough, smart enough--and I was never enough.  I have an "I'll show you attitude" because I want to be enough, even if it's just for me.  I know that you and I share a unique bond, an unspoken kinship, a knowing look that said "I get it," from very early on.  So when you speak, I listen.  I felt that something had been frayed when you spoke with such conviction about a past I had attempted to  protect so ardently from you--I am so distant from the girl I was back then, that having you see me fall apart was a collision of the past and the present I wrestle with submerging all the time. 

I've never lost "control" like I did with you when you were pushing me about my Dad.  I just never wanted you to be the one to disapprove of my choices that I've worked so hard to make peace with.  I am not, and more than likely will never, be at a place to calmly, and unemotionally, discuss "resolution" or "gestures" my Dad makes because there will always be a small girl within me who wants nothing more than for her dad to really love her.  I truly cringe reading things like that because it sounds, and to some extent is, hopelessly pathetic.  Spending your life thinking of "what could have been" is enough to kill you.  It's a weaker side of me, a detriment to the woman I want to be.  

Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.

-- Anon

Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over.
-- Gloria Naylor 

Part of me wishes you could inherently know all my weaknesses, sore spots, and silent struggles. It seems crazy, but I tried hard to leave the past in the past, particularly before starting to date you.  I wanted to enter into this, only as "me", not with the girl who feebly took so long to pick up the pieces of a broken life.  It partially seems stupid, trying to roll over sad moments. I know that realistically--it is part of life, crying is normal, etc, etc...but I guess I don't want you to see me as anything other than strong and capable, the two things I have worked so hard to be. 

Recipe that must be made..

Curry-Spiced Noodles Recipe :) 

Use only the lower bulb of the lemongrass stalk, and remove the tough outer leaves before chopping.

Total: 35 minutes
Yield: 4 servings (serving size: 1 1/2 cups noodle mixture, about 4 teaspoons cilantro, and 1 tablespoon cashews)

Ingredients

• 8  ounces  dry udon noodles (thick, round Japanese wheat noodles) or spaghetti
• 4  teaspoons  peanut oil, divided
• 2  cups  julienne-cut carrot
• 2  cups  julienne-cut red bell pepper
• 1  cup  julienne-cut green bell pepper
• 4  cups  thinly sliced shiitake mushroom caps (about 8 ounces)
• 3  tablespoons  chopped peeled fresh lemongrass
• 1  tablespoon  grated peeled fresh ginger
• 1  tablespoon  red curry paste
• 2  teaspoons  ground cumin
• 1  teaspoon  ground turmeric
• 8  garlic cloves, minced
• 1  cup  organic vegetable broth
• 1/2  cup  water
• 2  teaspoons  lower-sodium soy sauce
• 1/4  teaspoon  kosher salt
• 3  green onions, thinly sliced
• 1/3  cup  cilantro leaves
• 1/4  cup  chopped dry-roasted, unsalted cashews

Preparation

1. Cook noodles according to package directions, omitting salt and fat. Set noodles aside; keep warm.

2. Heat a large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Add 2 teaspoons peanut oil to pan; swirl to coat. Add carrot to pan; sauté 2 minutes. Add bell peppers; sauté 2 minutes. Remove carrot mixture from pan.

3. Heat the remaining 2 teaspoons oil in pan over medium-high heat; swirl to coat. Add mushrooms; sauté for 2 minutes. Add lemongrass and the next 5 ingredients (through garlic); cook for 1 minute, stirring constantly. Add broth, 1/2 cup water, soy sauce, and salt. Bring to a boil; cover, reduce heat, and simmer for 2 minutes or until slightly thick. Add noodles, carrot mixture, and onions; cook for 2 minutes, tossing to combine. Divide noodle mixture evenly among 4 bowls; top with cilantro and cashews.

I think sometimes the unknown could be equated to a bad dream.

So, here we are, back in this "transitional" stage of life.  When will life not be all about transitions? Probably never.  I guess I need to get used to it...embrace it (I laugh as I write that..not my style). Why are beginnings so scary? All beginnings--relationships, work, adventures--have some sort of grip on your my gut.  I think they are so scary because they are unknown.  They are a risk.  They have no guarantee.  There is no crystal ball to assure me that the choice I made was the right one; because after all, no one wants to realize two months down the road that they made the wrong choice.  Some people love that adrenaline rush that comes with taking a chance, others...are like Linus when his blanket is in the dryer.  Vulnerable.

Tonight I made a conscience effort to get back into the gym.  It is the one place where my mind is uninterrupted for an hour.  I came home, curled up on the couch with Kristin, and had my very first Bachelor experience.   It was much more intriguing than I expected--firstly, the poor guy had "commitment" issues from his previous season; secondly, he's gorgeous and 'honest.'  It's relatively fascinating to watch the social norms at work within the Bachelor house.  There are desperate women, shy women, bitchy women, and just painfully awkward women.  One woman has fangs.  I laughed so hard I cried at the absurdity of the situation.  Flipping fangs.   Upon not receiving a rose, a couple of the contestants cried.  At first I scoffed at their "attachment" to him, but then I realized, If I was rejected over someone with fangs--I'd probably cry too.  Flipping faaaaangs.

One thing I liked about the Bachelor was his openness about his non-existent relationship with his father.  This absence led him to have 'trust' issues with women.  Hm.  I couldn't help but wonder if I too was carrying these trust issues into my relationships.  History would say yes.  I hate that.  I hate carrying around baggage without realizing with it--all these years, so heavy.  Is every man a shady? I still can't write no without that doubt entering my mind.  The last thing I want to be is cynical.  Relationships are a vulnerability.  Getting hurt is a very real possibility.  I guess that's the risk.  I looked up an article about women who lose their paternal figure early in life to divorce or death, a few interesting points/patterns:

Females who lose their fathers to divorce or abandonment seek much more attention from men and had more physical contact with boys their age than girls from intact homes. They also tend to be more critical of their fathers and the opposite sex. These females constantly seek refuge for their missing father and as a result there is a constant need to be accepted by men from whom they aggressively seek attention (Grimm-Wassil, 1994, p. 147).

   Daughters of divorce sought attention from men more often, reported being the most active sexually and had the lowest self-esteem. The effects of early father separation were more profound than later separation. While she  noted different coping patterns in girls who had lost their fathers through death than in those whose loss was through divorce, she proposed that for both groups the lack of opportunity for constructive interaction with a loving, attentive father resulted in apprehension and inadequate skills in relating to men.

Girls with absent fathers grow up without the day-by-day experience of attentive, caring and loving interaction with a man. Without this continuous sense of being valued and loved, a young girl does not thrive, but rather is stunted in her emotional development. The coping mechanisms that adolescent girls whose parents are divorced develop in response to the absence of their father include the following (Lohr, Legg, Mendell, and Reimer, 1989, p. 352):

•  Intensified separation anxiety
•  Denial and avoidance of feelings associated with the loss of a father
•  Identification with the lost object
•  Object hunger for males

The negative effects later in life have been well documented, with numerous studies indicating that girls from fatherless families develop more promiscuous attitudes and experience difficulty in forming or maintaining romantic relations later in their development (Lohr, Legg, Mendell and Reimer, 1989, p. 354). These behavioral patterns are carried with them into womanhood and may be the cause of their unfulfilling relationships with men

Fatherless daughters tend to fall into one of two categories, the overachievers and the underachievers. The overachievers strive to attain a bachelor's degree, master's degree and even a Ph.D. They need to have a sense of control, making sure they reach their greatest potential. They become overachievers believing that if they accomplish more their fathers will accept them. The underachievers on the other hand are satisfied with either a high school diploma or a bachelor's degree, rarely excelling beyond that point. Typically underachievers are those who drop out of college or never attempt college. Coma (2000) suggests that fatherless daughters infrequently fall in between the two extremes presented.

Pretty interesting.  I never thought my strive to earn my Ph.D by the time I was 30 would be related to that internal need to look at my father and say, "I'll show you." But it's true.  I do have this "I'll show you attitude." That's part of the reason I went to Spain.  To show him what I was capable of doing.  That I was interesting, self-sufficient, and capable.  Relationships--the continual head slaps--the one thing I wish I could just release into the universe.  My 2011 mantra, trust in the universe.  Trust in the universe.  Trust. That's a big one.

Work in progress..


Side note, found this incredible blog called http://bunsinmyoven.com/ ; she has the most delectable recipes.  Tonight I made these brownies...this was my second batch and much tastier than the first.  I used a pinch less flour and a pinch more cocoa. Yummy!

Sweet dreams, thank goodness tomorrow is already Wednesday.  I see myself, pool side on Saturday :)

I'm GOING to finish my book.

My goal is to write three new pages this weekend.  Edit the chapters I don't like...poor Chapter Three.  Sometimes I'm tempted to delete the whole thing and start fresh.  I'm so different from the girl who started transcribing her experiences two years ago.

I suppose my haphazard dating experiences will make a quality climax...sweet memories:

Jeff--ultimate douchelord.  Classic, "I love you, I see myself spending the rest of my life with you" and oh by the way, I'm on the verge of an identity crisis and emotional sex change.

J--The dangers of dating someone who defines their self as selfish. When routine turns dangerous.

TP--Possible crack head.  I just want my brownies and my dignity back.

Eric-Reality--people do not change.  They just grow older..and in some drastic cases, regress into a state of immaturity, texting "I want to snuggle."

My hide out.

Sometimes I want to hide under the covers.  Keep the universe at a safe distance, tucked away in my world of white.  I want to hide away from the world I so desperately seek to explore.

It was dusk and I sat on the bench with a 4th grader named Maya.  She told me she feels confused and she started crying.  She didn't feel safe at her Mom's house and her mom would cry when she said she wanted to go back to her Dad's house.  She sleeps on the floor with a blanket.  She loses her belongings in the shuffle between her parents' homes, feeling guilty and insecure that she isn't responsible enough.  She told me she can't tell anyone her "things" but me.  She held my hand the rest of the afternoon, listening to my stories of 'guilt' and 'confusion' about my own parents' fighting.  Mom threatens to call the police on Dad (and did once) and Maya is afraid her Dad will lose custody of her.  I promised her that no one would take her from her Dad without her consent.  I hate that I can't be there to hold her hand the rest of the weekend at her Mom's house.  She has nightmares there.  She told me about the nightmares one day and we sat huddled on the floor while she cried--this was when I first realized I was where I needed to be.

She loves her father and trusts in him.  I read about men like this--I watch them in movies.  The man who will grab your hand when you threaten to leave, seeing behind your strong facade--the man who will love you.  Really love you.

Random musings.

Quote for thought:

 “On a deeper level you are already complete. When you realize that, there is a playful, joyous energy behind what you do.”

 -Eckhart Tolle

In my mind, I'm a photographer.  I stop during the day and I think, "Now this would be an incredible shot." I envision myself with a fantastic Nikon, stopping strangers to capture life in 3 x 5. I wish I could be one of those people who wears many hats, I would be a photographerchefdecoratingrealestateagentsocialworkerpsychologistseahorsetrainertravelingjournaliststepfordhousewifeprofessorofenglish extraordinaire.


As a photographer, I would show off my work in a glamorous photo wall--mine would be still shots of my travels done something like this...

I've been feeling antsy lately, you know that feeling that causes you to look over your shoulder and wring your hands when you have a minute to yourself? I'm feeling lost in the shuffle of life.  I probably sound like the typical bourgeoisie young adult, craving some sort of spiritual purpose.  I'm not living up to my potential.  Stuck in neutral.  I'm not challenged. Stagnant. Yuck. I want change but I can't say how much change.  I found this program, International Educators for Africa--my hankering for travel led me to look at Chile, Thailand, Korea, and Africa.  I think about my life and what I want in the next few years--I want to settle into a routine but also experience new adventures.  A walking checkerboard of wants and needs that cancel one another out.  I'm in a weird place of transitions...when will I be okay with not having it all figured out? 

"There is not one big cosmic meaning for all, there is only the meaning we each give to our life, an individual meaning, an individual plot, like an individual novel, a book for each person." -Anais Nin

In these times where I work myself into a mental frenzy (that ends up being nothing but a passing phase),  I turn to books like "The Art of Happiness" by The Dalai Lama and "Don't Sweat The Small Stuff." I also turn to culinary exploits.  My goal this weekend is to make Lemon Cream Pie:

Frozen Lemon Cream Pie
This is one of the easiest and tastiest pies I have ever made. If you're not the best baker, just try making this pie and you will fool everyone into thinking you are an award-winning pie maker.

INGREDIENTS:
(For the crust)
2 Cups finely crushed graham cracker crumbs
1/3 Cup sugar
1/4 Teaspoon kosher salt
8 Tablespoons (1 stick) unsalted butter, melted

(For the filling)
One 14-ounce can sweetened condensed milk
4 Extra large egg yolks
2 Tablespoons grated lemon zest
1/3 Cup sugar
3/4 Cup fresh lemon juice

(For the topping)
Whipped Cream
Candied Lemon Peel

METHOD:
For the Crust 
Preheat oven to 350°F.

In a medium bowl, combine the graham cracker crumbs, sugar and salt. Stir in butter.

Transfer to a 9-inch tart pan. Evenly press the bottom and up the sides to make a crust (I use a metal measuring cup to press the crumbs).

Bake 12 Minutes. Let cool completely.

For the Filling
In a large bowl, combine the condensed milk, egg yolks, sugar, lemon zest and juice. Whisk until all the ingredients are completely blended. Pour the filling into the cooled crust.

Freeze for at least 2 hours.

For the topping
Top with whipped cream and garnish with candied lemon peel.

8 Servings
Inactive prep time: 30 minutes to cool crust, 2 hours to freeze
Cook time: 12 minutes

Baby steps, right? The other thing is that I'm not sure if it is intuition or skepticism--I keep waiting for the rug to be pulled out from underneath me in my current dating situation.  So far, so good.  I just am waiting for 'the catch.' It seems in life that there is always a catch.  In the past it always ends up being something--or perhaps, rather, a case of something being someone else.  I'm the type of person where if I'm dating you than I'm not dating other people...when does that become the standard? I also know that if I'm dating someone and I find out they are dating someone else I'm immediately turned off.  Ick.  Deep breaths and baby steps.  And faith that my romantic life will not end up as haphazardly as my book. Can things really just be good and normal and not shady? Here's hoping. I'm exhausted from the dating dilemmas of 2010. 

 

2011 wisdom :)

1. Right View. The right way to think about life is to see the world through the eyes of the Buddha--with wisdom and compassion.

2. Right Thought. We are what we think. Clear and kind thoughts build good, strong characters.

3. Right Speech. By speaking kind and helpful words, we are respected and trusted by everyone.

4. Right Conduct. No matter what we say, others know us from the way we behave. Before we criticize others, we should first see what we do ourselves.

5. Right Livelihood. This means choosing a job that does not hurt others. The Buddha said, "Do not earn your living by harming others. Do not seek happiness by making others unhappy."

6. Right Effort. A worthwhile life means doing our best at all times and having good will toward others. This also means not wasting effort on things that harm ourselves and others.

7. Right Mindfulness. This means being aware of our thoughts, words, and deeds.

8. Right Concentration. Focus on one thought or object at a time. By doing this, we can be quiet and attain true peace of mind.



The chapter of 2010 is closed, "And so we turn the page over. To think of starting. This is all there is."   Learn from our mistakes.  Hm. What have I learned? What do I still need to learn?

2010 Lessons 

Not having a plan does not make you a failure
Fall in love slowly
Be aware of your surroundings; listen to your fateful gut
Take time for yourself
Don't take anything personally
Make sure the person you are dating is someone you respect
Sometimes being a friend simply means unconditional support
Speak with integrity (after listening....)

2011 Works In Progress

Finish the book!
Be less critical of yourself
Be who you are and say what you feel...because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind :)
Follow your heart.