Tonight I made a conscience effort to get back into the gym. It is the one place where my mind is uninterrupted for an hour. I came home, curled up on the couch with Kristin, and had my very first Bachelor experience. It was much more intriguing than I expected--firstly, the poor guy had "commitment" issues from his previous season; secondly, he's gorgeous and 'honest.' It's relatively fascinating to watch the social norms at work within the Bachelor house. There are desperate women, shy women, bitchy women, and just painfully awkward women. One woman has fangs. I laughed so hard I cried at the absurdity of the situation. Flipping fangs. Upon not receiving a rose, a couple of the contestants cried. At first I scoffed at their "attachment" to him, but then I realized, If I was rejected over someone with fangs--I'd probably cry too. Flipping faaaaangs.
One thing I liked about the Bachelor was his openness about his non-existent relationship with his father. This absence led him to have 'trust' issues with women. Hm. I couldn't help but wonder if I too was carrying these trust issues into my relationships. History would say yes. I hate that. I hate carrying around baggage without realizing with it--all these years, so heavy. Is every man a shady? I still can't write no without that doubt entering my mind. The last thing I want to be is cynical. Relationships are a vulnerability. Getting hurt is a very real possibility. I guess that's the risk. I looked up an article about women who lose their paternal figure early in life to divorce or death, a few interesting points/patterns:
Females who lose their fathers to divorce or abandonment seek much more attention from men and had more physical contact with boys their age than girls from intact homes. They also tend to be more critical of their fathers and the opposite sex. These females constantly seek refuge for their missing father and as a result there is a constant need to be accepted by men from whom they aggressively seek attention (Grimm-Wassil, 1994, p. 147).
Daughters of divorce sought attention from men more often, reported being the most active sexually and had the lowest self-esteem. The effects of early father separation were more profound than later separation. While she noted different coping patterns in girls who had lost their fathers through death than in those whose loss was through divorce, she proposed that for both groups the lack of opportunity for constructive interaction with a loving, attentive father resulted in apprehension and inadequate skills in relating to men.
Girls with absent fathers grow up without the day-by-day experience of attentive, caring and loving interaction with a man. Without this continuous sense of being valued and loved, a young girl does not thrive, but rather is stunted in her emotional development. The coping mechanisms that adolescent girls whose parents are divorced develop in response to the absence of their father include the following (Lohr, Legg, Mendell, and Reimer, 1989, p. 352):
- Intensified separation anxiety
- Denial and avoidance of feelings associated with the loss of a father
- Identification with the lost object
- Object hunger for males
The negative effects later in life have been well documented, with numerous studies indicating that girls from fatherless families develop more promiscuous attitudes and experience difficulty in forming or maintaining romantic relations later in their development (Lohr, Legg, Mendell and Reimer, 1989, p. 354). These behavioral patterns are carried with them into womanhood and may be the cause of their unfulfilling relationships with men
Fatherless daughters tend to fall into one of two categories, the overachievers and the underachievers. The overachievers strive to attain a bachelor's degree, master's degree and even a Ph.D. They need to have a sense of control, making sure they reach their greatest potential. They become overachievers believing that if they accomplish more their fathers will accept them. The underachievers on the other hand are satisfied with either a high school diploma or a bachelor's degree, rarely excelling beyond that point. Typically underachievers are those who drop out of college or never attempt college. Coma (2000) suggests that fatherless daughters infrequently fall in between the two extremes presented.
Pretty interesting. I never thought my strive to earn my Ph.D by the time I was 30 would be related to that internal need to look at my father and say, "I'll show you." But it's true. I do have this "I'll show you attitude." That's part of the reason I went to Spain. To show him what I was capable of doing. That I was interesting, self-sufficient, and capable. Relationships--the continual head slaps--the one thing I wish I could just release into the universe. My 2011 mantra, trust in the universe. Trust in the universe. Trust. That's a big one.
Work in progress..
Side note, found this incredible blog called http://bunsinmyoven.com/ ; she has the most delectable recipes. Tonight I made these brownies...this was my second batch and much tastier than the first. I used a pinch less flour and a pinch more cocoa. Yummy!
Sweet dreams, thank goodness tomorrow is already Wednesday. I see myself, pool side on Saturday :)
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