I'm onto you.

Riddle me this--

If I wanted to buy the movie, I would of bought it. I rented the movie because I wanted to watch it once. I don't want to OWN your movie. Stop charging me.

You lie when you say you called, because you've called me before. I'll be honest, i'm not proud of it but I rented a Hillary Duff film one lonely summer in New Mexico before I had met anybody--and the Blockbuster charged me 90.00 for the movie because I went rogue and didn't return the movie (I truly believed in No Late Fees..Naive...very Naive). They told me the "no late fees" rule does not apply in Santa Fe because there is only one blockbuster...i'm still angry about that because honestly..no one missed this little film. So that was LIE number one..it doesn't apply at all locations.



What happened to the "NO LATE FEES" --are you a liar? are you lying to people?




So anyways i'm thinking of getting retribution, driving to the blockbuster and just chucking DVD's all over the store and then running out into the night. I know it sounds extreme, but desperate times call for desperate measures--their non-existent phone call warning left me with an overdraft fee on my account...to which their nonchalance only added more fury.



The whole event sent my mono-crazed ass into a tailspin, I sat on the floor by my laptop with my hands shaking..ANOTHER CHARGE?!?!?!?! Blockbuster is smiting me--as if they are on some mission to get me. Now I can't even rent without paranoia. So I quickly grabbed all the DVDs, including my brother's rentals, and sped off down to the scene of the crime. My no make-up, loon looking self extended various blockbuster cards in my possession (like some kind of junkie) and they told me it was a grey's anatomy video.

The whole ridiculousness of the situation was only heightened when I realized the guy behind the front desk recognized me from the last time i was in the store, twice in one day, the first time wearing a backpack with bella..and the second time trying to explain i'd purchased the wrong episodes of Grey's. Either time, i'm sure I looked like a freak. Anyway, back to the story--- I reminded him they are supposed to CALL me before it happens. We went over the number, and it said it is an automated service. And believe me, I know your robot freak is calling me--they never stop--they call you like 10x until you're so goddamn annoyed that you return the video before you even watched it. I know i'm not a perfect renter, but you don't need to randomly charge me, just give me notice. I ended up partially misplacing my rage on the bank, envision me threatening wells fargo that i would remove all my funds from the bank and go to chase..(i even went in and met with someone at Chase..i was definitely not in any condition to be making decisions) so I said i would come back, Saturday. I'm embarrassed--but i'm more pissed at blockbuster. I'm going to look into alternative means of renting. so i can actually rent it and not buy it.

the end.

I went to .."The Bible"

So I was curious about "The Rules" and I went to the source to see how similar they were to the ones i could think of off the top of my head--

1. Never let him know you like him.
"The more guys have to wonder how you feel, the more interested they get. So don't show much emotion toward them." —Kelly, 17, Oakland, CA
when to use it: If you're interested in someone you just met , flirt with him for sure, but don't reveal your monster crush just yet. It's good to take it slow and be a little mysterious. After all, you're never into the guys who like you too much too soon either!
when to break it: If you can tell he's definitely into you, then let him know you're into him too. If you pretend to be uninterested for too long, he'll only be confused about why you're holding back, and then he'll hold way back!

2.Don't listen to your friends' opinions.
"If you really like a guy, it shouldn't matter what everyone else thinks. You're the one dating him, not them!" —Kalehua, 17, Kamuela, HI
when to use it: If the guy you like is a little dorky or too jock-y for your friends but he's sweet to you, then don't pay attention if your friends aren't into him. In fact, if they rag on you, they could just be jealous that you found such a great guy.
when to break it: If more than one friend claims he's not worthy of you, and they've got legit reasons to back up their opinion (like he doesn't treat you well or they know he's cheating), then stop and hear them out. They just may be right.

3. You can hook up whenever you feel like it.

"In the world we live in, people don't use labels like ‘dating' as much. If you want to hook up, what's the big deal?" —Ally, 16, Englewood, FL
when to use it: If he's cute and you feel like kissing him, it's all good. As long as you're not looking to start a relationship, you're sure he's not either, and neither of you is "taken," then go for it. You don't need to be in love to make out.
when to break it: If casually hooking up with the same guy over and over or hooking up with a lot of different guys becomes a regular thing, take a break from making out. You've got to protect your heart and your rep.

4. Never text, call, e-mail, or IM him first.
"Even if you hit it off, let him be the one to text or MySpace you first. That way, you know he's into you." —Cari, 22, East Brunswick, NJ
when to use it: This rule sounds old-fashioned, but most of the time, it just works. It's basic guy nature to want to feel like he worked hard to get you. They like to call first, so let them. If he doesn't make that effort, then you know he's not worth yours!
when to break it: If you know the guy's painfully shy, you may need to gently reach out to him first (or risk waiting forever!). Flirt in person until he hints he's into you. Then text him something casual to open the door to being more than friends.

bottom line:
Rules are guides to help you in the dating game—but don't over-strategize. Most of the time, playing is actually even more fun than winning

**Personally, the last comment by the author is, well..deranged. Are you seriously trying to tell girls that chasing guys is more fun than actually being involved in a healthy relationship? Let's all just go hook up whenever we want, contract all sorts of STDs..but dont worry--you're the one in control so it doesn't matter. Get it together. We're going to have a whole bunch of teenage sluts on our hands if they follow your advice,

Rules of the Game

So from the moment you notice the opposite sex, an inherent rulebook is issued. An implied "Guide to Relationships."


I can think of a few,

1. Never let them know you like them unless you're SURE it's mutual.
2. Be noticed without appearing to try.
3. Physical contact is always a good hint.
4. Boys say I love you first.
5. Don't be easily available
6. Don't date a friends' ex
7. First Date is always awkward


Then there are the hard lessons you learn throughout adolescence: sometimes your crush likes your bestfriend, breaking up isn't always discussed.., sometimes they like you TOO much (i.e, clingy) and sometimes, in the worst case scenario--they don't even know who you are.

I'll be honest, majority of my college experience was spent in a long-term relationship, but I still had time to get my feet wet while looking for other fish in the sea. What I learned about dating is that it involves alot of games and more rules than we had when were throwing sand at eachother on the playground. I feel confident when I say that dating is rough.

So back to it, Girls spend alot of time conversing about what a singular action could mean. What does it mean if he hasn't called? What does it mean if he doesn't want to go on a date? And then this little book "He's just not that into you" came out and changed my existence as I knew it. Finally someone was admitting what I had thought all along..maybe he's just not that into you. And i'm learning more, as an avid listener and happy observer...that these days, a girl should focus on what a guy isn't saying.

Let me elaborate, one of my friends--let's call her S was friends with a guy and one weekend, tossing a little alcohol in the mix--they ended up sleeping together....and then again. Their mutual friends are curious about the situation, she's pretty go with the flow, and he's keeping his opinions underwraps. I think her situation is pretty common, and understandably awkward. We all joke with eachother about how nice it'd be if we could be psychic. I mean it isn't a big deal either way--whether it's a hook up or if he's interested...we're just dying to know. She was kind of balancing on the fence..trying to decide if he liked her as more or if he wasn't interested..What I told her was that I thought it was very interesting that he didn't say anything to his friends about being interested or any descriptives about his feelings towards her. She eventually just lost interest in the situation because she was getting so many mixed signals.

But here's a little theory i'm working on..the reason we're just dying to know and the reason we don't know is that--we've never been given a rulebook on superficial intimacy. Can you really be hooking up with a girl that you're also friends with without being interested? These are questions i'll probably never know..and maybe instead of searching for answers we should be looking for a better match.

It kills me, and i think it kills alot of girls. When it comes to the art of the hookup..is it ever anything more?

Top love memoirs from my old diary

Even the guy who comes across as freaking jesus himself is a liar. I dont understand why people predicate relationships on games....what happened to brutal honesty?

why do we want the people we can't have and don't want the people who want to have us?

Just look at Cosmopolitan, It's an endless cycle of hurt and deceit...when will the rest of the world be as exhausted as I am...I don't know, i know that boy troubles are really infinitely miniscule in the grand scheme of things. But people are meant for companionship, so when kenny tells me to just take some time off and do my own thing I can't help but feel the loneliness when I turn off my light at night and feel the emptiness of the left side of my bed. It's a strange feeling, not wanting to settle but wanting to settle for anything more than this. Alright honestly, I like being single and I think that i've learned alot about dating and men in the past few months. I've learned that even if someone is great for you on paper you can't force the feelings and sometimes the worst people on paper end up being the ones who you become passionate about. Love is non-sensical, I dont know why I always try and make sense of it. I just end up right where I started.

So in general, at this point on relationships: I don't want to fall asleep at night missing someone. I had such an emotional day, thinking about my dad and everything. I really wanted to go to bed enveloped in someone's arms. Maybe it's the kid in me, I just want to be comforted. I've gotten really good at keeping everyone away from me when i'm like this, hiding out in my room and acting as if everything is perfect. Allison and I call that..Susie. She's better at it than I am, being fake. Not in the typical girl way..but in a way that it seems as if nothing is rumbling beneath your surface. I watched two romantic comedies..27 dresses and What Happens in Vegas; i'm ready for my happy ending. And that's exactly why i'll never get it. Because I want it, you never get what you want. It's fate's cruel sense of humor.

There's a moment, and you want so much to capture it--like a firefly in a jar--a snapshot in the long series of moments that encompass your life. A moment that you know is so monumental and altering in your foundation that you can't help but be outside yourself and so in tune with the white noise inside you at the same time. In that snapshot and address of your core emotions--it all slips away. All the stupid fights, the immature jealousy, the misunderstandings and the miscommunications--the vulnerability of allowing yourself to fall in love, gone. And instead there is this overwhelming sense of serenity and closeness--an intimacy previously untapped. When just one look into the other persons eyes and you know, with everything you've got, that this is your soul mate. You're desperate to stay locked in that moment, feeling like you could do anything and that time is on your side. Whoever said that whole thing about absence making the heart grown fonder had their thumb on something profound. I don't think that being apart is fabulous on relationships but i think it makes you work through the things that weren't working before in order to have solidarity and stability in all aspects, the kind of stability and comfort that makes your smile to yourself when you're driving or an image before you close your eyes at night. Nothing is as sweet without your buddy and nothing as funny when you can't share it or explicate the story over the phone with the same animation you would if they were there. It's terrible to be apart, you want to be together and wake up in the morning knowing you get to share a kiss or even just have your hand held the way you like it. It's not that you are afraid of being alone, but the keen awareness that you get that extra delight in going somewhere or even just grocery shopping is more fun bc you have your favorite person in tow. You take equal joy in their success as you do in your own and aren't held back by jealousy or separate ambitions. In retrospect, although you want to forget the fights that almost broke you and the wounds it's painful to mend--they brought you where you are. It's taken me along time to leave the past in the past, it's a work in progress for life in general-- Perhaps it's better to take a timeout with yourself and fully understand what it is that set you off; and if it's true love, you'll realize that being angry and rightfully pissed is miserable b/c more than anything you want them to grab your hand and not let go, even if you tell them to. It's hard, you're so torn up inside about them making a mistake or saying the wrong thing when all you really want is to FEEL how loved you are--and when you do, it's..tentatively i say this, worth all the tears and boasts of forgetting the entire relationship and moving on. It may be danielle steele writing, but either way i had a moment

I swear i'm going to write.

The pages are still blank, but there is a miraculous feeling of the words being there, written in invisible ink and clamoring to become visible. ~Vladimir Nabako


The story I am writing exists, written in absolutely perfect fashion, some place, in the air. All I must do is find it, and copy it. ~Jules Renard, "Diary," February 1895

A writer and nothing else: a man alone in a room with the English language, trying to get human feelings right.

The only cure for writer's block is insomnia. ~Merit Antares

Home but not home free.

- If all difficulties were known at the outset of a long journey, most of us would never start out at all. -

I want to breathe a sigh of relief.  I don't even remember my journey home.  At one point, on my flight home from Madrid--I thought the plane was crashing....because I didn't remember taking off.  I was scared that I would oversleep and miss a connecting flight.  I've never been more helpless in my entire life.  This is the one time, I wish my Mom would stop giving me tough love.  She expected me to fly from Sevilla into Portugal and then figure it out with US Airways from there.  I almost started laughing..but instead I started crying.  Totally, utterly--lost.  I sat in the Seville airport..just hoping that somehow I could just magically be home, curled up in my bed. 

I'm so frail, 15 lbs lighter and ghostly pale.  Now I know why everyone called me the sick kid and wanted to know if it was contagious.  On the flipside, I had girls asking me to spit in their water so their clothes would fall off them too..pahaha.  I know deep down this was the only choice..there is no way I could be setting up an apartment and bustling around to get my life in order.  I barely remember yesterday.  The lesson to be learned from this-is always listen to your body.  I was so concerned about being too scared to make this big trip..and it ended up making everything worse for me.  I know that my friends who love me will support me in coming home, and I'm happy I listened instead of being stubborn.  

P.S:  A--you've been a guardian angel, a voice of reason, and a shoulder to lean on (literally at the airport lol) te amo. 

"The thing about plans is they don't take into account the unexpected, so when we're thrown a curve ball, we have to improvise. Of course, some of us are better at it than others. Some of us just have to move on to plan B, and make the best of it. And sometimes what we want is exactly what we need. But sometimes, sometimes what we need is a new plan."

We all remember the bed time stories of our childhood. The shoe fit Cinderella, the frog was turned into a prince, sleeping beauty was awakened with a kiss. Once upon a time and then they lived happily ever after. Fairy tales. The stuff of dreams. the problem is, fairy tales don't come true. It's the other stories. The ones that start in dark and stormy nights and end in the unspeakable. The nightmares always seem to become the reality

Happiness is not the absence of problems, but the ability to deal with them.

Never lose your childish innocence. It's the most important thing.

I was leaving the cafe this morning and saw these two adorable children playing. They were so carefree and happy. I envied them. You can never be sad watching little kids.

“Know you what it is to be a child? It is to be something very different from the man of to-day. It is to believe in love, to believe in loveliness, to believe in belief; it is to be so little that the elves can reach to whisper in your ear; it is to turn pumpkins into coaches, and mice into horses, lowness into loftiness, and nothing into everything, for each child has its fairy godmother in its own soul.”

I'm going to complain...just for a minute

We like to think we're fearless, eager to explore unknown lands and soak up new experiences, but the fact is, we're always terrified. Maybe the terror is part of the attraction. Some people go to horror movies. We cut things open. Dive into dark water. And at the end of the day, isn't that what you'd rather to hear about? If you've got one drink and one friend and 45 minutes. Slow rides make for boring stories. A little calamity. Now that's worth talking about.

It's surreal--i feel like i'm living in a parallel universe. I'm finally here, and seeing these amazing sights--yet i feel like i'm trudging through mud. I'm nervous to get my blood work back on Friday--i don't want to be sick. i hope my sinus infection is just acting up or something. I feel half-human. The best part, as if i didn't feel unattractive already being sick and tired...I have a really sexy rash all over my legs, arms and torso.

I hate feeling like i have no idea what's going on around me. Nobody speaks english (which isn't a huge deal) but it makes buying a cell phone etc, really stressful. I want to get to my town asap so i can just rest and recooperate. I feel like i'm trying to keep up with everyone here and fight my body as best as i can, but i'm just deteriorating.


..it's just aggravating to have spent my entire last week in the doctors office to get pseudo clearance and then here I am in Spain, sicker than ever with no one to help me out. Showering exhausts me, eating is a huge effort and afterthought and i'm wishing i could temporarily rent a new body to get around.

I would love to go running through the parks across the street from the hotel, I even tried to make myself believe i'll be able to go tomorrow by recruiting a couple of the girls..but i think i know that if i'm this run down it won't happen. But anyways, i guess if all fails in my life i can always fall back on being a personal trainer..because all i want to do is go running right now :/