I wanted to call you yesterday.

I wanted to call you yesterday.  I stopped my car just before the gate and I went to reach for my phone--my heart skipped a beat because I had so much I wanted to tell you.

It was the sharpest pain when I remembered your phone had been disconnected--you aren't here anymore.

In my mind, I'm sitting next to you on bent knees just outside on your patio.  The flowers are an unbelievably bright orange..especially with the sunlight hitting them.  There are a thousand things I need to say to you.  The one thing I cannot admit to you...in fear that you're going to be disappointed in me..is that I have been so sad lately.  I could never tell you that--you were always so happy.  You told me that every day was a good day, depending on how you looked at it.  How could I tell you that i've been a bystander in my own life lately? How could I tell you that I observe everything around me but I feel like a stranger is playing my part in conversation.  What would you tell me if I told you that I felt like I had lost myself recently?

The trouble is, you are always where I would go when I felt a little lost.  I could sit beside you and share your sunlight when mine had dimmed.

I wish I could just come sit beside you--I wish I could prick my fingers picking blackberries with you in oversized mud boots.  I wish I could have your presence and strength--I'm feeling a little broken and I'm having a hard time getting back up.  I have some sort of faceless enemy kicking me down--I just want to remember what it felt like to feel strong and confident.  To feel like your granddaughter.  I don't feel like her--I feel left behind.

Well, this is brutal.

I just keep crying.  At the oddest times.  Sunday night I cried blow drying my hair. It was one of those ridiculous outbursts.  I hate how much I miss you.  Tonight, I must've moved from sadness to anger--love is seemingly intertwined with grief.  I just haven't healed yet.

I just miss you--I got scared tonight that we're going to grow apart, you keep asking me "what else" in conversation and I flashback to my father and the void of nothingness we had to say to each other.  I don't know how to share my real feelings when they aren't ones that I want.  I resent being so, so sad that you aren't you are here.  Why am I not strong enough? Why am I not better at this?  I want you to be here so badly but I just need to accept you aren't going to be here.  Change is scary--the thought of losing you is scary.

I need a how to guide for loving someone. I don't want to dig my own grave. I don't want to be a Debbie Downer.  I want to be happy but it feels fake sometimes because I'm missing you and this is really hard.

Remember...

This life is what you make it. Not matter what, you're going to mess up sometimes, it's a universal truth. But the good part is you get to decide how you're going to mess it up. Girls will be your friends - they'll act like it anyway. But just remember, some come, somg go. The ones that stay with you through everything - they're your true best friends. Don't let go of them. Also remember, sisters make the best friends in the world. As for lovers, well, they'll come and go too. And babve, I hate to say it, most of them - actually pretty much all of them are going to break your heart, but you can't give up becuase if you give up, you'll never find your soul mate. You'll never find that half who makes you whole and that goes for everything. Just because you fail once, doesn't mean you're gonna fail at everything. Keep trying, hold on, and always, always, always believe in yourself, because if you don't, then who will, sweetie? So keep your head high, keep your chin up, and most importantly, keep smiling, because life's a beautiful thing and there's so much to smile about.


"That was the thing. You never got used to it, the idea of someone being gone. Just when you think it's reconciled, accepted, someone points it out to you, and it just hits you all over again, that shocking." 


Remember: the time you feel lonely is the time you most need to be by yourself. Life's cruelest irony