I just keep crying. At the oddest times. Sunday night I cried blow drying my hair. It was one of those ridiculous outbursts. I hate how much I miss you. Tonight, I must've moved from sadness to anger--love is seemingly intertwined with grief. I just haven't healed yet.
I just miss you--I got scared tonight that we're going to grow apart, you keep asking me "what else" in conversation and I flashback to my father and the void of nothingness we had to say to each other. I don't know how to share my real feelings when they aren't ones that I want. I resent being so, so sad that you aren't you are here. Why am I not strong enough? Why am I not better at this? I want you to be here so badly but I just need to accept you aren't going to be here. Change is scary--the thought of losing you is scary.
I need a how to guide for loving someone. I don't want to dig my own grave. I don't want to be a Debbie Downer. I want to be happy but it feels fake sometimes because I'm missing you and this is really hard.
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