I wanted to call you yesterday.

I wanted to call you yesterday.  I stopped my car just before the gate and I went to reach for my phone--my heart skipped a beat because I had so much I wanted to tell you.

It was the sharpest pain when I remembered your phone had been disconnected--you aren't here anymore.

In my mind, I'm sitting next to you on bent knees just outside on your patio.  The flowers are an unbelievably bright orange..especially with the sunlight hitting them.  There are a thousand things I need to say to you.  The one thing I cannot admit to you...in fear that you're going to be disappointed in me..is that I have been so sad lately.  I could never tell you that--you were always so happy.  You told me that every day was a good day, depending on how you looked at it.  How could I tell you that i've been a bystander in my own life lately? How could I tell you that I observe everything around me but I feel like a stranger is playing my part in conversation.  What would you tell me if I told you that I felt like I had lost myself recently?

The trouble is, you are always where I would go when I felt a little lost.  I could sit beside you and share your sunlight when mine had dimmed.

I wish I could just come sit beside you--I wish I could prick my fingers picking blackberries with you in oversized mud boots.  I wish I could have your presence and strength--I'm feeling a little broken and I'm having a hard time getting back up.  I have some sort of faceless enemy kicking me down--I just want to remember what it felt like to feel strong and confident.  To feel like your granddaughter.  I don't feel like her--I feel left behind.