This day can go down in the books.

Today has definitely been one of the worst days I've had in a long time, if not ever.  You know that feeling that manifests in your chest, twists in your stomach, and then feels so awful and uncomfortable that it's going to come back up your throat? This feeling makes me feel like a stranger to myself.

How do you make amends with a parent?

I have never believed my mother to be someone who is emotional--in fact, she is the best at keeping her emotions inside.  I fear that...i'm just like that? I just keep repeating the whole argument over in my head..and it's not like it was a conversation, it was like an execution.  I feel about the size of my pinky nail.

These are the times I need to work on the four agreements..."Don't take anything personally" ---whenever someone is frustrated with me or around me I take it to heart.  Perhaps a good New Year's Resolution.

hm.

Confront your fears, list them, get to know them, and only then will you be able to put them aside and move ahead.


Too many of us are not living in our dreams because we are living in our fears


You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith.  


The one permanent emotion of the inferior man is fear - fear of the unknown, the complex, the inexplicable.  What he wants above everything else is safety.


Fear is the highest fence


If a man harbors any sort of fear, it percolates through all thinking, damages his personality and makes him a landlord to a ghost.  


Fear:  False Evidence Appearing Real. 


I have accepted fear as a part of life - specifically the fear of change.... I have gone ahead despite the pounding in the heart that says:  turn back. 

“Every man is afraid of something. That’s how you know he’s in love with you; when he is afraid of losing you.” 

Do you want me to tell you something really subversive? Love is everything it's cracked up to be. That's why people are so cynical about it…. It really is worth fighting for, being brave for, risking everything for. And the trouble is, if you don't risk anything, you risk even more.

It has to make you laugh.  I get what I want, handed to me by fate or whatever stroke of luck you want to call it--and it terrifies me. Not because I'm afraid of commitment, the future, love, or whatever else....but that I'm afraid no one, me, gets to be this happy.  It's like I woke up and decided to self-destruct before it could be taken.  Bracing myself before the rug gets pulled from under me, removing my shoe before the other one drops.  I'm afraid this isn't mine to keep.  How can I breathe easy when I'm afraid that each breath is closer to depleting the oxygen in the room? 

I cringe because I've thought about all the snakes I've had in my life.  Hiding in the grass I allowed to become overgrown.  Why did I sit idly by? Letting myself not see what was in front of me.  I'm so tainted by that feeling of being bitten by something I brought on myself.  I was never capable of walking away from my Dad..but what it is about these other people that makes it so easy? Why can't I feel nothing like them.  It takes so much for me to cut ties, but I see people do it so freely without a second thought.  That's what makes me really afraid--that people are capable of such great deceit, that they can inflict so much hurt when overcome by selfishness.  I'm afraid not of what I am capable of, but rather, what I am not capable of.  

I sat in an ivory tower--looking down on heartbreaks..when now I've had a glimpse, a brief stab of what it could be like to lose the one thing you want to count on. People, relationships are not infallible.   Perhaps I've been so afraid to lose myself in something, someone profound because in the back of my mind..i'm aware that it could be lost.  I hate that I feel like I need to be okay without you.  I don't want to be without you.  That's my biggest fear.  I'll self-destruct in a desperate attempt to be okay..without you.  

I read something the other day in the Le Love blog..and it struck a chord with me, maybe it will with you too: 

And my eyes shut just long enough for me to see you. I saw your hands, but not your face. I saw how you would feel, but not how you would look. Between their yells I heard you whisper something that made sense. Your hands, your voice, gave me back 23 years. The only settling we can speak of now is the way the sea has settled beneath me. The way the tips crashed and spun and now sleep calmly on their sea floor.

Settled. Not settling.

I wouldn't want you to ever think that what we have is unoriginal.  That how I feel about you comes from a need to settle down because that's how people think these days between the gap of 23-25.  That falling in love, getting married, and settling are what we are supposed to do.  I never felt that way--in fact I always felt that there was this impending crash, because I didn't see that for myself.   I pulled back from you, you said you felt it in the beginning, I did that because something in me innately knew that this would be big.   Before I could be with you, I had to be able to be with myself.  That meant ridding myself of the snakes, removing the overgrown brush--so I could see you.  Maybe the memory of that mess keeps me from seeing clearly.  Because, I'm here..and I just want to see you--without the flashes of the past obscuring you.  

Quotes for thought.

Reason is powerless in the expression of Love.

Like a thief reason sneaked in and sat amongst the lovers eager to give them advice. They were unwilling to listen, so reason kissed their feet and went on its way.

You already have the precious mixture that will make you well.  Use it.

In silence there is eloquence. Stop weaving and watch how the pattern improves.

Everyone has been made for some particular work, and the desire for that work has been put in every heart. 

and a small hidden treasure..

All the right moves.

It's as if all the past relationships, the heartbreaks, the crushes have been folded up in an envelope and tucked away in a hidden drawer. Sent out to sea. Gone, vanished.

Love is when you look into someone's eyes and go all the way inside; 

to their soul and you both know.

Last night I tried as hard as I could to stifle it, close the jar tight, but his eyes make me want to be honest--as if I can't hide anything from them.. I cried, he sat there holding me just listening--he offered me solace, not false promises.  There's something about him that makes me want to remove the wall.  Perhaps it's because I don't there to be anything between us on either side.  It's hard to remove a wall that is so apart of you, so etched within you that it feels natural, right.

You know, I'm so tired of the dead weight from my father.  I'm tired of writing about it, caring about it, feeling it.  I'm tired of reading it, remembering it.  Why can't it just vanish too? I choke on what could have been, should have been.  It's too large of a pill to simply swallow--I don't know how to try to..do this..any differently--how do I do this?

J said that I'm going to move on from this, that resolution will come.  I cringe and rewind to December 16th. I think of a crushed spirit, months of depression, and years of inadequacy.  Even worse, I feel such disappointment.  With myself.  I don't want to be this girl.  I don't want to be someone who can't move on, move forward.  That's not me.  I want  the feelings to be dead to me like he is.  They say that the opposite of love is not hate, it's indifference.  I'm waiting for it to come upon me, lay it to rest like sunset.

We finished talking on the phone tonight, it creeped its way into the conversation.  People have always told me that I need to "deal with it"--I replied, "But what does that really mean." I've always felt that I do deal with it--all the time; here in this journal I write what I think..it's on my mind more than I would want other people to catch on to.  He said something that shocked me, something so beautifully simple--

"Dealing with it means letting yourself feel whatever emotion it may be in that moment--if you're angry, be angry, if you're sad, be sad--but I want to do this with you, I want to be here for you."

I never thought that "dealing" with this would be letting myself be.  I told him I always feel so disappointed with myself when I let my emotions get the best of me and I get upset.  I dislike people who have pity parties for themselves--don't we all have something rumbling under the surface to feel sorry for ourselves about? Whether it's a shitty job, a break-up, homesickness, loneliness, lack of income, sickness, divorced parents--etc, etc.  Sometimes I feel that if we let ourselves do that, we devalue all the good we have in our lives.  Shouldn't we just be grateful for what we have, and move on from what we don't? Or rather..who we don't?  Obviously how I am not "dealing" with it isn't making a big enough difference because I'm still carrying it around..maybe, if I don't make it something I'm not allowed or supposed to feel---I won't be aware of it as much.  Just a thought..like I've always said, I'm a work in progress--moreso in some aspects than others.

If nothing ever changed, there'd be no butterflies.

Know what's weird? Day by day, nothing seems to change, 




but pretty soon...everything's different. 

After I wrote this entry..just thinking about how things are changing--especially the people I am choosing to maintain close relationships with...I found this in my yearly horoscope...odd but reassuring..





During the next couple of years it also looks like you will know whether these matters have reached a successful conclusion, or whether you need to cut your losses and move on.

This energy is not a light-hearted one, however, it is important in clearing out outgrown situations and people in your life that are weighing you down.  Symbolically, it can be seen as a bit of spring-cleaning period in your life where quality, not quantity in terms of the people in your life, will be important.
There will be several periods of time when this energy is likely to become very challenging: the period from early November until early December 2009; and again from early January until mid February 2010 also looks like a time that will mean changing the way you relate to someone important in your life.  These periods of time are likely to be quite intense, but will give you the chance to really think about what is important in terms of your life goals, career aspirations and, for some of you, the chance to change the way you relate or see one of your parents.  This is likely to be a dynamic time when major cross-roads will be reached, enabling you to leave the past behind you and to move forwards on a new path that is free of people and situations holding you back.  To achieve this though, you will need to deal with the people and situations that have a hold on you and to let go of outworn associations



Perhaps another good way of using the energy around you from this time onwards will be to research your options for a fabulous new start coming to you early in 2011… this may be plans for a new business idea, long-distance travel, teaching or learning, or perhaps a major move.  Whatever it is that you are thinking about, the coming year is an excellent one to lay the groundwork for this positive new start coming for you in 2011.





It's time.  It's definitely time. 

In the mirror.

We are at our very best, and we are happiest, when we are fully engaged in work we enjoy on the journey toward the goal we've established for ourselves. It gives meaning to our time off and comfort to our sleep. It makes everything else in life so wonderful, so worthwhile.

Do more than is required. What is the distance between someone who achieves their goals consistently and those who spend their lives and careers merely following? The extra mile.

BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD

Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY

Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinions and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS

Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST

Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgement, self-abuse, and regret.

I think it is easy to forget...we can only do our best.  I struggle on a daily basis with the ramifications of other people's choices.  I need to learn I can only control myself--doing my best, saying what I mean, and being true to who I am.  I know who I am--and I like who I am--I can only wish that for other people when they look in the mirror.  Are you at your best?