8pm chats of the Golden Girls

C

I want to paint my nails and style my hair before I go to bed

7:42pmJ

my hair is still freshly styled

7:42pmC

lol sorry that was random

but I figured tomorrow morning I won't want to shower super early.

Lucky!

lol

that made me laugh for some reason, freshly styled.

7:42pmJ

haha I know for some reason when the salon does it, it lasts much better the next day

hahaah

7:43pmC

totally!

why is that?

same products.

7:43pmJ

who knows..

7:43pmC

same process.

7:43pmJ

btw

7:43pmCourtney

magical results.

7:43pmJ

I bougth Kerastase

wait I told you that

and now I feel guilty

I told Bryan about it and I also told him he couldn't use it

then he said if you're using the nice stuff, I'm using your nice stuff

wish you were commminnnngggg

7:45pmC

LOL OMG

you told him he couldn't use it?

7:46pmJ

yes after I was scared to tel him how much I spent on shampoo...i told him he wasn't allowed to use it hahaha

but there is a hair thinning one, that is supposed to provide the best environment for hair growth

and I might by that for Bry

he doesn't have the thickest head of hair, but it's sooo expensive

7:46pmC

I know i wish i was toooooooo!

hahaha you asshole.

I adore you.

7:46pmJ

hahahahaha

7:46pmC

and your inadvertent a-hole moments

7:46pmJ

I then told him I'd buy him the nicer stuff

hahahahha

7:47pmC

you're like.."you might need this expensive super power shampoo b/c you're balding..loser."

7:47pmJ

GHAGAHGAGGA

I really did laugh out loud...

7:47pmC

7:47pmJ

hahahaha

aww

ps I just saw your golden girl post

should we be happy or sad?

7:48pmC

priceless!

lol i'm not sure? i'm assuming happy?

well, depending on who you ask lol

7:48pmJ

I just hid from Dolly and she tricked me and went the other way!

true..

we're still hot

7:49pmC

jaaaaaaamie

7:49pmJ

si?

my dog out tricked me

hahahah

7:49pmC

I'm concernicus

you're playing hide and seek with dolly?

7:50pmJ

hahaha yes we play hide and seek

it's quite amusing

you don't play games with Bella?

she'd be like hide from me? I'll teach you....

poop.

7:52pmC

um..bella and i perform duets

and she scared herself farting again

7:53pmJ

haha I can only imagine

7:53pmC

it's hilarious and sad

7:53pmJ

hahahahaha

7:53pmC

she's a freak.ps

if dogs look like their owners??

are we SOL?

Holy. Hangover. Batman.

I feel like sh*t.

I have made a conscious effort not to drink for the past 2 months--now I remember why.  In addition to fitness purposes for the marathon, it's because the next day..... I feel asinine.

However, I did not go out with the intentions of getting hammered.  No, no, no.  I got ready, prepared myself for some fair peer pressure from Amy (the only person who could have possibly convinced me it'd be a good idea to drink) and met up with the girls after the U of A game last night.

I knew I was in for an experience when their text messages became more random and misspelt.  Why is it so hard to properly text when you're under the influence? Anyway--the drunkards were in full, hilarious, force.  Standing in Erin's bathroom (who becomes instantly secretive when she's intoxicated..EVERYTHING is told as if it were an undercover mission proposal) I realized that if I opted out of partaking in the debauchery..I would kill myself.  I would sooner die than be the sober one with people who are level 9 party mode.  And come on, Amy was only in town for the weekend and I won't get into shenanigans with her until homecoming the first weekend of November.  Thus..my will power bent and my decision to drink was celebrated with a my famous mini-baby shot (half juice/half alcohol).

It got me thinking what a party girl I used to be.  Now Jamie and I joke that we are the golden girls.

This is actually a good picture image of how I feel sitting at my desk in my glasses...

Sh*t.

Anyway, the night was pretty epic in and of itself.  I got quite the compliment from the pizza delivery man as I inquired how his night was going he responded, "great now that I got to look at you!"

That's one approach to getting tips--what a sweet delivery man.  Later on, as I sat in the cab a little buzzed and contemplating life..it occurred to me that being a cab driver must be the crappiest job ever--mostly impart because of people like me..I'm chatty, overly polite, and kind of nosy.  However, E-baby's drunkenboyofthenite took it a step further--he commandeered control over the radio and blared it.

Once we finally got to Loco after a drunken debate about how to get there, we realized that Ebaby left her driver's license at home.  At that point she was voted the least favorite person in the cab, however we entertained ourselves successfully and pushed our boundaries with the bouncer by fraternizing with people on the "inside" through the gate...meanwhile, Sopko took a cat nap on the bench next to drunkenboyofthenite.

After a couple shots, we thought it'd be a good idea to reunite with some of our UA comrades at the midget bar Gilligans.  Apparently, that is the place for all the alumni to hang out together.  I felt compelled to confess my guilt about drinking to everyone...but we were so happy to see our spring break  partners in crime

"Diet Sprite.  It's party time!"

The quote comes from our cruise through the Mexican riviera.  We snuck in vodka successfully via emptied listerine bottles, garnier fructis/tresemme shampoo bottles.

 Frankly, it was straight up ghetto and nasty.  Shampoo shots.  In our defense, we were one of the only duos to get away with alcohol on the ship.  Anyway, I was obsessed with diet sprite.  To the point, the bartenders nicknamed me "diet sprite"--and everywhere we went we chanted, "diet sprite, it's party time!" 

The lowest point of the trip is a tie between 2 awkward events--1, where I fell into a baby stroller in the hallway and didn't mind it, 2, when I straight up attacked the hanging towel monkey in the room left daily by the cleaning crew.  Literally, went karate kid on it.

Alright, I really can't put off studying anymore.  I've organized my desk..my room...made coffee..and am current procrastinating by making a 'homework' playlist.  Epic fail.

Hope you had a great weekend!

Healing takes courage, and we all have courage, even if we have to dig a little to find it.

There is something beautiful about all scars of whatever nature.

A scar means the hurt is over, the wound is closed and healed, 

done with. 

 I did something I never thought I would do.  I can't think fully about my actions, or I'll start to shake my foot with nervous tension, bite my lip in anxiety, close my eyes in possible regret.

Have you ever wished you could will something away? Lock it away in your heart, keep it shrouded in darkness, cloaked by a smile? I wish that all the time.  I wish that, more than anything, regarding my Dad.  I cried today in the car on the way to work today, each tear fell with a sense of defeat.

    I've had this idea, ever since I was a little girl, that I need to be strong.  Super humanly strong.  I just kept telling Jamie, "I'm just so tired." I'm tired of this pain.  It's exhausting.  It's depleting me--this art of mastering nonchalance when talking about my dad, reinforcing the wall that keeps me extra protected on days like father's day and today..my dad's birthday.  I think I've had to be super humanly strong my entire life..until now.   The truth comes out in your moments of silence.  When no eyes are watching you to see how you react, when no voices can be heard besides your own. I was two completely different people today.  I was the girl in the car, crying--crying for all that has happened, for all that could have been..for all that should have been...and for everything I'm not.  I wish I really was super humanly strong.  I'm not, all the time.
    Then, I pulled who we call "Susie" out of my reserves.   We came up with "Susie" my Junior year of college.  I think everyone has their own version of Susie--that fake smile and response to prevent any further prodding of an open wound.  To placate those that ask "how are you?!" without really needing to know the answer.  Honestly, I hate Susie.  But, even more, I detest being sad in front of strangers or acquaintances.
  

   I just wish I could wave a magic wand and make this situation all better.

   So, this is all rooted in something completely frivolous and silly.  Remember when I went to that random Psychic Expo in Sedona? Well, this psychic tapped into the problems with my father immediately.  She told me that I will never have a good relationship until I have some resolution from the one with my father.  My first reaction was frustration--since I have really tried to keep the problems with my father separate from my everyday life.  Attempting to file him away for a later date like old assignments.   But as Jamie pointed out, I pick the worst people to date.  I scrunched up my nose, reflecting back on what I call "fixer uppers"--I pull away from those who seem to be too good to be true, and opt for those that stay a safe distance.   I don't think I've wanted any man to be closer than an arm's length away--but I'm ready for something..someone worthwhile now.   Considering she was right about that...she then tapped into something more poignant..she said I appear very happy on the outside but I'm actually quite dark inside.  So much for Susie.  She then ripped into my wall some more, stating "this will be the hardest thing to overcome in your life..but at some point..you will be able to see good in your father.  I want you to send him a card for his birthday.  This will help you move forward."
 
   It's been strange how things have been culminating to this moment.   I'd like to think it all started with a movie suggestion by J--Life As A House.  Before that movie, I couldn't tell you when I had been emotional about my relationship with my Dad.  But that night, I didn't think I would be able to pick up the pieces; the tears wouldn't stop, nor would the memories.  It was seeing what unconditional love meant, something my Dad never showed me. I then vowed never to watch it again and dropped it in the trash.
   Next was when my friend K asked me about my Dad--but not just that, but about him the past tense.  This was the day that I started thinking of emotions as hailstones--you don't see them coming but before you know it they are falling all around you. I always go back to a quote from P.S. I Love You,
Kathy Bates states, "Oh because it's so much easier to deal with when the person you love leaves by choice is it?" --but just like grief, other types of losses need to be let go..moved on from...
     Normally I don't open up to people I'm not really close with about my Dad--but I'm really happy that I did.  K and J are both really intelligent people, you get a sense of intuition and experience from them.  They both gave me different advice from different points of view, but it struck me when J commented that it didn't seem like I had forgiven my father.  I really thought about it, at first believing I had done that awhile ago...but even in my mind I started getting defensive against myself.."why should I forgive something like that?" Sometimes, I think we confuse acceptance with forgiveness.  I've never met anyone who has experienced something similar until J, it's a breath of fresh air to know the other side exists.
   So, after talking it out--I came home, went online, and did a simple act.  I sent my Dad a birthday e-card.  I did so without any expectations of a response.  I did so as the bigger person--not as a hypocrite, not to open pandora's box..but to be true to myself.  Amy said it..he will never not to be my father.  It's funny too, this brown hair.  I looked in the mirror this morning and I thought for a moment, "I look so much like my Dad," before I caught myself.  I can't change what is.  I can't wish it to be different, will it to go away.  The past with my Dad is a scar..an experience that is healing...it will always be with me, but that doesn't mean it has to apart of my everyday life anymore...and maybe just like that awful scar on my leg, it will fade away and change into something less noticeable.  Just maybe.


Dulces Suenos.

Thanks for always listening..love you guys.

Too much of a good thing.

This is not my entry for the night..because I have an epic one coming, I can feel it--no, rather, this is a reminder to myself...that statement is true..sometimes you can have too much of a good thing.

I think I might vomit.  I drank about a gallon of Apple Cider Vinegar water..in fact..I've replaced my old vodka + soda "chugging" shenanigans with knocking back half a gallon of ACV + water + honey and I cringe at the thought of it...my insides are very...very..displeased.

So the lesson of the day...chugging any sort of beverage is probably not the best idea.  Am I genius or what?

I'm really kicking my ass today. Ready? Not so much.

You have to wonder at times what you're doing out there. Over the years, I've given myself a thousand reasons to keep running, but it always comes back to where it started. It comes down to self-satisfaction and a sense of achievement.

- Steve Prefontaine

There is a moment in every run.  A moment where you can either quit, fold, or say to yourself "I can do this."

The only way to define your limits is by going beyond them

Do or do not. There is no try.

In my mind, I am a Kenyan.

Find your limits and exceed them.

My mantra today...just keep running. 

It's never too late to put the past away.

Fearless If that's the way you love you've got to learn so much If that's the way you say goodbye And this is how it ends And I'm alright within Never going to see me cry Cause I've cried So go on, go on and break my heart I'll be okay there's nothing you can do to me that's ever going to burn me So go on, go on and leave my love Out on the street I'm fearless Better believe I'm fearless, fearless If this is how it hurts It couldn't get much worse If this is how it feels to fall Then that's the way it is We live with what we miss We learn to build another wall Till it falls If it's between love and losing To never have known the feeling And I'm still sad we've loved And if I end up lonely At least I will be there knowing I believe in love

What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment.  And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new.  Right now.

So this is going to be a lifestyle?

When my alarm went off this morning, I immediately regretted my late night insomnia/emotional moment.  Unfortunately, my sleep suffering is directly related to internal frustration.   I said I was going to start with a clean slate--and that definitely started this morning.  I went to Kickboxing--and then left the gym right after.  I think part of my extreme fatigue is due to pushing too hard in the gym when I'm depleted.  When I don't feel good, I can't sleep well, leading to exhaustion during my work outs..which just makes me feel worse.  The cycle stops here! I am going to make an effort to get to bed earlier so waking up early to fit in long work outs won't be as difficult.   

I think we could all take better care of our bodies--from what we put into it, to how much we pamper ourselves.   I definitely could take better care of myself....and most importantly, cut myself some slack.  The reason I feel so tired is because I am tired.  You can only run on fumes for so long.  I loved this article below because the athlete gets at least 10 hours of sleep a night.  Honestly, I would feel so much better if I slept more.  My body needs to recover--I'm not doing light work outs...every day is an extra push to have that much more endurance  and be just a little bit stronger.  I need to remember--it's okay to snack all day, carry around a gallon of water, and sleep like a person in a coma--because that's what I need right now.  I can't work out for almost 3 hours everyday on 3-5 hours of sleep a night and expect coffee to make it all better.  

I've been beating myself up for this fatigue and it's so simple--if I would have just realized how little I was sleeping..problem solved.  Idiot.  

Enjoy the article!! And get some sleep. 

GET THE BEST REST

Sleep expert James B. Maas, Ph. D., shares his advice for everyday runners.

By Nicole Falcone

Image by Erik T. Johnson

From the September 2009 issue of Runner's World 

DEENA KASTOR, bronze medalist in the 2004 Olympic Marathon, says that she gets paid to run—and to sleep 10 hours a night in addition to a one-to two-hour nap each day. But with everything you have going on—work, family, and training—seven hours of uninterrupted shut-eye is probably a luxury. Sleep expert James B. Maas, Ph. D., shares his advice for everyday runners.

1. STICK TO A ROUTINE Go to bed at the same time every night—weekends, too. If you aren't getting enough sleep during the week, you start building up a sleep debt. But you can't make up for this by sleeping late on Saturday and Sunday, because that throws off your bedtime. "Your brain doesn't have a different biological clock for weekdays and weekends," Maas says.

2. PRIORITIZE IT Don't miss your bedtime. Sure, there are occasionally sick kids or last-minute deadlines to deal with. But these are unavoidable interferences—updating your Facebook page isn't.

3. SET THE SCENE Keep your bedroom dark, cool, and quiet. Get black-out window shades, keep the temperature between 65 and 67 degrees, and avoid using a TV, laptop, or BlackBerry, which can prevent your falling asleep, within 30 minutes of your bedtime.

4. WATCH THE CAFFEINE A cup of coffee is a fine morning ritual. But chugging Red Bulls to get through the afternoon can keep you up at night. Avoid caffeine after 2 p. m., says Maas.

5. DON'T RUN TOO LATE Can't run in the morning? Then try to get it in between 5 and 7 p. M. Exercising within three hours of your bedtime can cause insomnia.

6. SET REALISTIC GOALS If you have a newborn, it may not be the time to go for an ambitious PR. Scale back your expectations so they reflect your current circumstances. Remember, he'll grow up eventually.

7. ADJUST FOR YOUR TRAINING If you are logging more miles and getting up earlier to squeeze in the extra training, make sure you go to bed earlier, too.

8. NAP A 10-to 15-minute nap can boost energy levels. But 90 minutes is ideal if you are sleep-deprived, says Maas. In that time, you'll go through an entire sleep cycle, which has a restorative effect on the body and can help recovery. 

I've never had more of a wish that my Dad were here to hug me.  The thought that I will never get a hug from my father again overwhelmed me...it's one of the most poignant and painful feelings I've ever felt.  A knot the size of a softball is in my chest...and I don't know where to go from here.  I wrote "Do you think he ever really loved me?" and erased it.  I can't do that to myself...to wonder what could have been with my dad.  I wish I could keep these thoughts away...it's an unforgettable ache. What can I do to forget?

You know someone asked me what I'm running from regarding the marathon.  I really didn't think I was running from anything...anyone..but maybe that's not true.  Maybe I will never stop sprinting away from my pain about my father.  But what am I supposed to do? It's easy to tell me to let it go, to face it--but you can't imagine what it is like to be completely abandoned and deserted by someone you loved, someone you depended on.  You're just gone and I'm here trying to exist without you.

I just want to know what I could do, to make this better.  And the most terrifying, painful thought is that there is nothing...that this will be forever.  That you will never be here, to just hug me. I wish it were different.  So much so that it's eating away at my insides. Because the worst, most difficult part--is that I never stopped loving you.  It'd be easier to hate you, but instead I love you and I remember when you taught me to drive and when you would scoop me up when I ran off the plane.  I wish I could forget. Did you forget? Did you forget it all so easily? Perhaps that's my biggest fear..that you really did. That you have.



P.S: Now that I'm tear stained, emotionally sick, and upset--I will promise never to watch Life as a House again.  Thanks a lot.

Life as of Sunday

Alright I'm curled up on my bed, rubbing my eyes from reading too much.  I felt after finishing some homework and catching up on my reading, I deserved to indulge in total garbage--aka, the MTV VMAs.  I even popped some break n' bake Hershey's cookies in the toaster oven to take my indulgence to the next level.

Prepare yourself for a mini rant:

 It all started with a disappointing/awkward speech by Madonna.  Can anyone explain the relevancy of her talking about how she lost her Mom at age 6, when Michael first started performing?  Totally anti-climatic.

Secondly, Kanye West solidified himself as the ultimate example of Rampant Douchebaggery in my book when he stole Taylor Swift's shine.  She's like 12..and a country singer...do you really take yourself and the VMAs that seriously? Likewise, atleast "You belong with me" does not make me want to take razor blades to my eyeballs like "Single Ladies."  Ultimate Douche.

Third, Lady GaGa totally took the awkward level up a notch by wearing some red lace body suit...creepiest thing I've seen in a long time--> thank you for removing your face mask during your speech.  That will haunt me for awhile.  Perhaps a possible halloween costume idea if I wanted to scare the hell out of everyone.  Just maybe.

Fourth, The whole thing was a complete waste of time...minus the performance by Muse.  Officially reinstated into the running mix, well done.  Also, must say the editing on "New Moon" makes it look somewhat artistically done....I wish the movies could be half as good as the books.


Alright, in real life news--things are going good.  I think I am finally getting into the swing of things juggling school and work.  However, I moderately slipped up on training this week.  I just felt completely depleted.  I've been having trouble sleeping--but I think I found the source and have nipped it in the bud. Technology makes it relatively easy to cut out the weeds of your life.  I have a sense training is on the up and up since I'm doing some music searching as we speak...here are some songs to amp up your playlist :)

1. "Eyes on Fire" -Blue Foundation (good warm up song)
2. "She Don't Want A Man" (Ft Keri Hilson)-Asher Roth
3. "Cowboy Casanova" -Carrie Underwood
4. "Uprising" - Muse
5. "Feeling Good" - Muse
6. "Knights of Cydonia" - Muse
7. "Plug in Baby" - Muse
8. "Joy" - Temposhark
9. "Shut it Down" -Pitbull (ft. Akon)
10. "Replay" -I-YAZ
11. "End of the day"- Blue Foundation
12. "One More" -Jens O (The only technoish beat I can handle on long runs) 

I finally received my Field Experience Placement--my mentor teacher seems really nice and capable.  I should be starting this week; there is nothing more humbling than walking into the hallway of a bustling high school.  There is this energy around places with kids...it's palpable and intimidating.  Even at work, from the minute they arrive to the minute they leave--it's like a tidal wave, a heavy presence, time flies so fast it feels like I barely had time to suck in a deep breath.

These kids, the kids I work with, are really incredible.  Aside from being literally flabbergasted that I changed my hair--they've been really welcoming and sweet.  Kids have no boundaries, no walls--they let you in immediately.   One thing that has kind of surprised me about working with younger children is how much they...CRY.  They CRY about everything.  I'm surprised the building hasn't flooded.  It's definitely good parenting preparation (for much, much, much in the future).  The other trait about them that caught me off guard was how affectionate they are--I'm spoiled by how many hugs I get a day.  I also get extra weight training from walking around with kids hanging from my waist and legs whenever they are wanting to hide or play human jungle gym :)

Alright, well--I'm going to try and finish watching "Life as a House" since I fell asleep to it last night.  I'll let you know if my friend was right about it being quality.

Dulces Suenos..

Darnit.  What is it about Cobra Starship and LMFAO that make me want to dance all over my room in my underwear? You know you have those moments!




PS: This will be me after the marathon---Although I've cut back on my secret inner fat kid indulgences...Sweet Chili Doritos, Brownies, Pizza (staff meeting...served bomb pizza..had to turn my nose up at it..part of me died)

 and in Spain....the biggest skeleton in my closet was that I would dip double stuffed oreos in coffee for breakfast.  And yes...it was...a-maz-ing. 

Steer clear of me and mi comida despues del maraton!

This song never gets old to me.

"Easier"--Joe Purdy

You say that you ain't been happy
say that you should but you dont know why
just tryin to get to somewhere
just end up getting by
and i give you anything i can think of
give you love but it aint enough
just tell me not to worry bout you
on a train and you wish me luck saying

is it gonna get easier
is it gonna get tough
are the waters gonna open wider
or are they gonna get rough
are we gonna have to sink right now
are we gonna get to paint this town
deep blue and green, the colors of her eyes lookin at me
early in the morning

Left the hotel early that morning
Took your hand and we walked all day
and watched all the street performers
In the empty street parade
and we heard that piano playing
London bridge and it made you weep
and we got on the train to Paris
you leaned against me and we fell asleep

is it gonna get easier
is it gonna get tough
are the waters gonna open wider
or are they gonna get rough
I'm gonna have to sink right now
are we gonna get to paint this town
deep blue and green, the colors of her eyes lookin at me
early in the morning

I lost you in a storm in Georgia
Called you up on Christmas day
Babe tried hard to get back to you
But you were just to far away
And you told you loved me too
But you thought that our love was wrong
I talked you off the ledge by morning
You caught this train and you headed home
Well I still remember the day that i met you
I still remember the day you left
Still remember the day you came back
Now I remember the things you said
And I remember the days and the good times
And I remember the nights without
I tell you baby when you get back home
We'll catch a train and we're headin South

is it gonna get easier
is it gonna get tough
are the waters gonna open wider
or are they gonna get rough
are we gonna have to sink right now
are we gonna get to paint this town
deep blue and green, the colors of her eyes drawn on me
early in the morning

Rumi says it best

Your task is not to seek for love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.

Today I am starting with a clean slate.   I am making a solemn promise to myself--to surround myself with positive things and people.  I am not going to settle for second-rate; from myself or from others.

Close both eyes to see with the other eye. 

I really think that deep down, we know the truth.  I think we turn a blind eye to things we wish were different.  Sometimes, it's to our own worst attributes as well.  I have to face it, confront it-- the truth, it is better than allowing sugarcoated falsities to surround me. 

That which is false troubles the heart, but truth brings joyous tranquility.

You think the shadow is the substance.