I've never had more of a wish that my Dad were here to hug me.  The thought that I will never get a hug from my father again overwhelmed me...it's one of the most poignant and painful feelings I've ever felt.  A knot the size of a softball is in my chest...and I don't know where to go from here.  I wrote "Do you think he ever really loved me?" and erased it.  I can't do that to myself...to wonder what could have been with my dad.  I wish I could keep these thoughts away...it's an unforgettable ache. What can I do to forget?

You know someone asked me what I'm running from regarding the marathon.  I really didn't think I was running from anything...anyone..but maybe that's not true.  Maybe I will never stop sprinting away from my pain about my father.  But what am I supposed to do? It's easy to tell me to let it go, to face it--but you can't imagine what it is like to be completely abandoned and deserted by someone you loved, someone you depended on.  You're just gone and I'm here trying to exist without you.

I just want to know what I could do, to make this better.  And the most terrifying, painful thought is that there is nothing...that this will be forever.  That you will never be here, to just hug me. I wish it were different.  So much so that it's eating away at my insides. Because the worst, most difficult part--is that I never stopped loving you.  It'd be easier to hate you, but instead I love you and I remember when you taught me to drive and when you would scoop me up when I ran off the plane.  I wish I could forget. Did you forget? Did you forget it all so easily? Perhaps that's my biggest fear..that you really did. That you have.



P.S: Now that I'm tear stained, emotionally sick, and upset--I will promise never to watch Life as a House again.  Thanks a lot.