For the past week or so i've been doing alot of thinking, ruminating about my life and inability to be content spending time totally alone. It really sucks. I feel like the past is creeping up on me like a bad dream that doesn't go away as hard as you try to think about other things.
I thought that perhaps I was manifesting my inability to be laidback with other issues into my relationship -- I think sometimes we make too many excuses for people instead of getting the answer that we don't want to hear.
I have never really been broken up with, particularly as an adult? It's a very humbling experience. However, I do have to tell you that this reaffirms my belief that I am psychic or blessed with crazy intution. I knew last night that something was up, even before I saw him. It just wasn't working, I guess if he wouldn't have done it--I would have eventually manned up and done it myself.
So yeah..breaking up--kinda like I just feel cold hard rejection. ouch..and it stings. I know that i've done this to alot of guys..and dt definitely handled it better than I would have or had. I'm more about the...cant hang out..can't talk approach. which is pretty immature but it keeps me from having to confront an awkward situation. I guess in the end I wasn't really into it anyhow.
Even before this whole thing transpired I was feeling disdain towards the whole college dating scene. I can't do the casual hook up thing, it's just not me and it's not fulfilling. I'm really careful about how much I put into a relationship in fear that the rug is going to be pulled out from underneath me--sadly this time my gut was right. I was hoping that my lack of bond/connection would culminate after we spent more time together but that didn't happen and maybe it never would have happened. Did i make a mistake? At the time when DT came into the picture I was talking to J and W and I probably didn't handle myself the best way about cutting things off. You just can't help but wonder if you passed up a good thing. I just feel like I should have listened to my own intuition instead of making excuses and giving it a chance. Can i just meet someone who is...great? lol that sounds weird..but guys can just be so lame. It isn't really a big deal..this being broken up with thing.. 2 years with eric vs. 1 month with denton.
Trying to get to know him was like pulling teeth and that's messed up on multiple levels but yet the FIXER in me wanted to make it work, to get to know the inner workings. But maybe there really wasn't much there? It's hard to fathom thus far.
I'm tired of dating..i'm tired of the wrong guy. I'm tired of mixed signals..and kind of burnt out on--well, dating. I kind of like doing my own thing better--i need to find someone as independent as I am.
When it comes down to it I have this overwhelming urge to get out of here, get to europe, travel and backpack in order escape
PS: I decided what my halloween costume will be--Britney Spears from her tragic VMA performance. I think the idea makes me just a little too excited :)
Saturday, October 27, 2007
Thursday, October 25, 2007
On the past..
I am reading Waterland and The Heart of Darkness which I should have read a long time ago. I finally finished "The Bluest Eye" by Toni Morrison and when it's very quiet I still think of the words and the lines and what an emotional book it was. Some people are so talented--they can move you and shape you with their words. Anyways, Graham Swift is different. My eyes lull over his words and I feel like i'm not getting it. The story is fractional and jumps over a span between 1940 and 1980. He is a history teacher who is being forced to retire because the world should not dwell on the past but live in the here and now...sad I guess.
I used to think that was true but now i have my doubts. How much is the past apart of your present? I was reading an article yesterday that talked about how divorce affects children. My father is probably the sorest subject for me, not because I lack any amount of love for him, but perhaps because I love him too much for what he should be instead of what he is to me. It basically said that since my parents were divorced when I was a child, i've never grown up with the idea of what a workable marriage is. I flee rather than fight, the moment things look like they are getting ugly i'm out the door because I don't know how to fight without it being bitter. Hmm..this could be true. One time when I was suffering from lack of sleep and got emotional in highschool I told Erin I get scared that i'll never be married or happy in a relationship because I don't know what THAT is. My parents don't talk to eachother, and my mom still to this day won't tell me the most saddening pieces of the end of their marriage. I don't think I could handle knowing. It's just interesting how we stumble upon the world and fumble about bounding into things like bees, only later to be realize "Oh..this is where that scar or that bruise" comes from. bruise upon bruise.
The past is a foreign country, they do things differently there.
I used to think that was true but now i have my doubts. How much is the past apart of your present? I was reading an article yesterday that talked about how divorce affects children. My father is probably the sorest subject for me, not because I lack any amount of love for him, but perhaps because I love him too much for what he should be instead of what he is to me. It basically said that since my parents were divorced when I was a child, i've never grown up with the idea of what a workable marriage is. I flee rather than fight, the moment things look like they are getting ugly i'm out the door because I don't know how to fight without it being bitter. Hmm..this could be true. One time when I was suffering from lack of sleep and got emotional in highschool I told Erin I get scared that i'll never be married or happy in a relationship because I don't know what THAT is. My parents don't talk to eachother, and my mom still to this day won't tell me the most saddening pieces of the end of their marriage. I don't think I could handle knowing. It's just interesting how we stumble upon the world and fumble about bounding into things like bees, only later to be realize "Oh..this is where that scar or that bruise" comes from. bruise upon bruise.
Friday, October 12, 2007
He really left me.
What am i so afraid of? Today was tough, tough on a variety of levels. Firstly, i had one of thoooose days, where you contemplate hiding in your sheets all day and shutting the world out for a few hours.
Anyways--I finally got out of bed and went to class..wanted to gouge out my eyes from boredom. so bored. so boring. when students just sit and stare at the teacher with blank, disinterested face, there could be nothing worse to me. Just let us leave. Obviously we aren't getting anywhere. If only it were that easy.
Then in my international relations class after getting an earful/anxiety attack for our midterm grades..i'm terrified, i really tried. I did the study guide, didn't go out all weekend..and then of course to make me all the more optimistic i got a 14/20 on my outline, so depressing. sooooo depressing. it was just the icing on the cake, you know? You give us an "example paper" on foreign policy by using the country of Mars. hi-lar-ious. thanks for nothing and no direction.
I know i'm being negative and i know i'm being really negative when i get tough love from thelma on the homefront. I know i have a silver spoon in my mouth and no financial responsibilities (tuition, my car, my rent, my insurance, london..hawaii) Is there a rehab for impulsive spenders? Forget the coc or drinking, I need one for an inability to cope. Atleast i'm not turning to the hard stuff haha..I guess shopping is pretty harmless? I haven't even done it, I just THINK about it. But i guess it's empty fulfillment after all. I have clothes I haven't even worn. There in lies the hilarity..I'm so lame sometimes. I'm replacing something i can't replace.
So here it is, the root of the root , the bud of the bud. I'm struggling with everything from my last name to my grandma. I hate writing about this stuff because it's too real; have you ever kept something under the surface so you yourself didn't have to confront it? I'm a master at it. After feeling completely embarrassed by my feeling of abandonment last semester i'm terrified of being seen as weak or self-pitying. I think what happened with eric traumatized me. between him and my dad i'm waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me at all times...it's a really horrible feeling to be so afraid of life happening to you. I guess that's really it--i'm afraid of what's next. I'm still coping with what already happened. I feel like i'm always trying to be tough because that's what you're supposed to be but i'm kind of tired of faking it all the time. Maybe after all they were right, sometimes it's harder to smile when all you need to do is cry.
So writing that didn't really help. My life is pretty damn blessed..and i'm genuinely so happy 90% of the time. So the rational part can't sit here and cry at midnight. It's too depressing, irrational and lonely. I wish I could just get rid of all these feelings about my dad. I wish I could feel how i say I feel about it. That i'm better off without him in my life and what kind of father doesn't want/love their daughter? It's just so mind boggling that he's really gone. He really left me. I should be stronger than this..I've got to be.
Anyways--I finally got out of bed and went to class..wanted to gouge out my eyes from boredom. so bored. so boring. when students just sit and stare at the teacher with blank, disinterested face, there could be nothing worse to me. Just let us leave. Obviously we aren't getting anywhere. If only it were that easy.
Then in my international relations class after getting an earful/anxiety attack for our midterm grades..i'm terrified, i really tried. I did the study guide, didn't go out all weekend..and then of course to make me all the more optimistic i got a 14/20 on my outline, so depressing. sooooo depressing. it was just the icing on the cake, you know? You give us an "example paper" on foreign policy by using the country of Mars. hi-lar-ious. thanks for nothing and no direction.
I know i'm being negative and i know i'm being really negative when i get tough love from thelma on the homefront. I know i have a silver spoon in my mouth and no financial responsibilities (tuition, my car, my rent, my insurance, london..hawaii) Is there a rehab for impulsive spenders? Forget the coc or drinking, I need one for an inability to cope. Atleast i'm not turning to the hard stuff haha..I guess shopping is pretty harmless? I haven't even done it, I just THINK about it. But i guess it's empty fulfillment after all. I have clothes I haven't even worn. There in lies the hilarity..I'm so lame sometimes. I'm replacing something i can't replace.
So here it is, the root of the root , the bud of the bud. I'm struggling with everything from my last name to my grandma. I hate writing about this stuff because it's too real; have you ever kept something under the surface so you yourself didn't have to confront it? I'm a master at it. After feeling completely embarrassed by my feeling of abandonment last semester i'm terrified of being seen as weak or self-pitying. I think what happened with eric traumatized me. between him and my dad i'm waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me at all times...it's a really horrible feeling to be so afraid of life happening to you. I guess that's really it--i'm afraid of what's next. I'm still coping with what already happened. I feel like i'm always trying to be tough because that's what you're supposed to be but i'm kind of tired of faking it all the time. Maybe after all they were right, sometimes it's harder to smile when all you need to do is cry.
So writing that didn't really help. My life is pretty damn blessed..and i'm genuinely so happy 90% of the time. So the rational part can't sit here and cry at midnight. It's too depressing, irrational and lonely. I wish I could just get rid of all these feelings about my dad. I wish I could feel how i say I feel about it. That i'm better off without him in my life and what kind of father doesn't want/love their daughter? It's just so mind boggling that he's really gone. He really left me. I should be stronger than this..I've got to be.
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