So I got dumped?

For the past week or so i've been doing alot of thinking, ruminating about my life and inability to be content spending time totally alone. It really sucks. I feel like the past is creeping up on me like a bad dream that doesn't go away as hard as you try to think about other things.

I thought that perhaps I was manifesting my inability to be laidback with other issues into my relationship -- I think sometimes we make too many excuses for people instead of getting the answer that we don't want to hear.

I have never really been broken up with, particularly as an adult? It's a very humbling experience. However, I do have to tell you that this reaffirms my belief that I am psychic or blessed with crazy intution. I knew last night that something was up, even before I saw him. It just wasn't working, I guess if he wouldn't have done it--I would have eventually manned up and done it myself.

So yeah..breaking up--kinda like I just feel cold hard rejection. ouch..and it stings. I know that i've done this to alot of guys..and dt definitely handled it better than I would have or had. I'm more about the...cant hang out..can't talk approach. which is pretty immature but it keeps me from having to confront an awkward situation. I guess in the end I wasn't really into it anyhow.

Even before this whole thing transpired I was feeling disdain towards the whole college dating scene. I can't do the casual hook up thing, it's just not me and it's not fulfilling. I'm really careful about how much I put into a relationship in fear that the rug is going to be pulled out from underneath me--sadly this time my gut was right. I was hoping that my lack of bond/connection would culminate after we spent more time together but that didn't happen and maybe it never would have happened. Did i make a mistake? At the time when DT came into the picture I was talking to J and W and I probably didn't handle myself the best way about cutting things off. You just can't help but wonder if you passed up a good thing. I just feel like I should have listened to my own intuition instead of making excuses and giving it a chance. Can i just meet someone who is...great? lol that sounds weird..but guys can just be so lame. It isn't really a big deal..this being broken up with thing.. 2 years with eric vs. 1 month with denton.

Trying to get to know him was like pulling teeth and that's messed up on multiple levels but yet the FIXER in me wanted to make it work, to get to know the inner workings. But maybe there really wasn't much there? It's hard to fathom thus far.

I'm tired of dating..i'm tired of the wrong guy. I'm tired of mixed signals..and kind of burnt out on--well, dating. I kind of like doing my own thing better--i need to find someone as independent as I am.

When it comes down to it I have this overwhelming urge to get out of here, get to europe, travel and backpack in order escape

PS: I decided what my halloween costume will be--Britney Spears from her tragic VMA performance. I think the idea makes me just a little too excited :)