He really left me.

What am i so afraid of? Today was tough, tough on a variety of levels. Firstly, i had one of thoooose days, where you contemplate hiding in your sheets all day and shutting the world out for a few hours.

Anyways--I finally got out of bed and went to class..wanted to gouge out my eyes from boredom. so bored. so boring. when students just sit and stare at the teacher with blank, disinterested face, there could be nothing worse to me. Just let us leave. Obviously we aren't getting anywhere. If only it were that easy.

Then in my international relations class after getting an earful/anxiety attack for our midterm grades..i'm terrified, i really tried. I did the study guide, didn't go out all weekend..and then of course to make me all the more optimistic i got a 14/20 on my outline, so depressing. sooooo depressing. it was just the icing on the cake, you know? You give us an "example paper" on foreign policy by using the country of Mars. hi-lar-ious. thanks for nothing and no direction.

I know i'm being negative and i know i'm being really negative when i get tough love from thelma on the homefront. I know i have a silver spoon in my mouth and no financial responsibilities (tuition, my car, my rent, my insurance, london..hawaii) Is there a rehab for impulsive spenders? Forget the coc or drinking, I need one for an inability to cope. Atleast i'm not turning to the hard stuff haha..I guess shopping is pretty harmless? I haven't even done it, I just THINK about it. But i guess it's empty fulfillment after all. I have clothes I haven't even worn. There in lies the hilarity..I'm so lame sometimes. I'm replacing something i can't replace.

So here it is, the root of the root , the bud of the bud. I'm struggling with everything from my last name to my grandma. I hate writing about this stuff because it's too real; have you ever kept something under the surface so you yourself didn't have to confront it? I'm a master at it. After feeling completely embarrassed by my feeling of abandonment last semester i'm terrified of being seen as weak or self-pitying. I think what happened with eric traumatized me. between him and my dad i'm waiting for the rug to be pulled out from under me at all times...it's a really horrible feeling to be so afraid of life happening to you. I guess that's really it--i'm afraid of what's next. I'm still coping with what already happened. I feel like i'm always trying to be tough because that's what you're supposed to be but i'm kind of tired of faking it all the time. Maybe after all they were right, sometimes it's harder to smile when all you need to do is cry.

So writing that didn't really help. My life is pretty damn blessed..and i'm genuinely so happy 90% of the time. So the rational part can't sit here and cry at midnight. It's too depressing, irrational and lonely. I wish I could just get rid of all these feelings about my dad. I wish I could feel how i say I feel about it. That i'm better off without him in my life and what kind of father doesn't want/love their daughter? It's just so mind boggling that he's really gone. He really left me. I should be stronger than this..I've got to be.