Wednesday, March 28, 2007
So after a 3 year relationship..here I am.
I think being single is harder than I anticipated. I just think dating is intimidating and strange; I feel that guys aren't trustworthy and that they are sleezy. It's just easier to be on my own, totally. I don't want to be worried about interpreting someone else's actions, worrying about making time to see someone who doesn't make time for me, being the habitual "date" planner. Why is it so hard to just..let go? You know you get comfortable and you miss that nook on someone else's neck that fits you so perfectly and the comfort of having someone you love fall asleep next to you so you get to wake up to them in the morning. I miss that. I wish I was the type of person who was laidback and could just go with the flow instead of always spending my energy thinking, wondering, and discussing. maybe that's just girls
Tuesday, March 27, 2007
Talking it out?
So hooray, i turned in both of my papers this morning, took my test and wrote the most feminist essay of my life (I had to question why so many female authors killed themselves..i'm sure my teacher loved my passion and conviction) But although I may not be a feminist, i prefer to think of myself as an equalist if that terminology even exists. Think about it
This section in my writing I studied Alice James, daughter of the great Henry James and the only girl in the family--she was sickly and was always inferior to her brothers, Emily Dickinson who refused to leave her home for more than short sojourns, Gilman who wrote the most disturbing short story i've read in my life about a woman trapped in the yellow wallpaper that ends up being her, Virginia Woolf who discussed the tribulations of being a female author and how there could never have been a female shakespeare because of society's restrictions--she later ended up drowning herself. Then there was Sylvia Plath, perhaps the most intriguing writer i've ever come across, her character situations are poignant and sarcastic. I wish I was half as clever as Plath; however her character Esther ends up falling into madness and spending her life in a mental institution receiving shock therapy. And of course Plath later committed suicide herself. So why is it that all these brilliant early female writers had lives of desititution? you would think with their talent and intelligence anything would be possible. But as Emily Dickinson wrote best, they put me in the closet expecting me to be still. The irony of that is that Virginia Woolf's essay "A Room of One's Own" discusses how women need space, time to think, and room to be left alone in--Dickinson gives her speaker a Closet and ruminates that if they could only see inside her mind then they would see her her brain -go round-. I think it's a very clever poem. Haha obviously, my head is still in the test.
Last night and the night before I was up ridiculously late for different reasons. My anti-anxiety pills are an amazing little thing, they pack a lot of punch for being a half dose. I can sleep, i can relax..i can not think for five seconds at a time. I had a much needed talk with Kristin the other night at our apartment, and of course I ended up crying even though I try so hard to do my tough, calm, collected facade. Sometimes when you are with people who know you, it's time to just let it out. But it scares me to be honest, I'm afraid if I really let myself cry and feel the hurt from what happened that I won't stop crying. I know that sounds insane and stupid, but it's true. The mention of Lenna in a quiet situation and my emotions go through the roof. I had an awful conversation with My grandma the other day and she was so disoriented and confused asking me about my mom and if she had missed my birthday and it was..awful. I wish she never would have had the stroke, and I wish she would have been with us so I could have protected her. I felt helpless being so far away. I still feel helpless, because I get so upset everytime i hear her sound so disgruntled and out of it on the phone--but i want to talk to HER. I want her to come back. Even now, i get upset and i don't to write about it. and my chest hurts. typical. but anyways, back to my point. I felt when i left that I had a pharmacy in my bag. I have anti-anxiety medicine, anti-depressants, heartburn medicine, pencillin for the strep and some other thing. I felt like an unstable person, only because of how much it takes to mellow me out. why is this happening? really? I don't know what I did to my dad to make him lash out at me and stop loving me if he ever did at all and I don't know why I can't overcome this and put it in the past. I want to talk to people about it, but i don't know how to reach out. I don't know how to admit "i'm having a bad day" and "I'm upset about.." I feel that nobody wants to listen. And people say that you should call them to talk to them but it's like..i will never be the person to pick up the phone to call someone to talk about something really bothering me, idk why. Brian was really intuitive the other day when he told me that my dad was projecting his shortcomings onto me and that it wasn't my fault. I think i really needed to hear that. I understand that my dad has to be a huge..asshole i guess..for abandoning me. All i wanted to do was fall apart after it happened. I think it's difficult because I really expected a magic wand to be waved over me when I got to school and when I found myself hiding out in my room and feeling isolated even more than when I was in Santa Fe something clicked. I'm glad that i went to the therapist, but i dont think i want to go back. I think my journal is more effective. I'd rather talk with one of my friends and have heart to hearts once a week then talk to a stranger who I put on a facade with anyway. Well, my journal definitely took a more intraspective look than I was in the mood for, but i guess it was necessary to put out there.
This section in my writing I studied Alice James, daughter of the great Henry James and the only girl in the family--she was sickly and was always inferior to her brothers, Emily Dickinson who refused to leave her home for more than short sojourns, Gilman who wrote the most disturbing short story i've read in my life about a woman trapped in the yellow wallpaper that ends up being her, Virginia Woolf who discussed the tribulations of being a female author and how there could never have been a female shakespeare because of society's restrictions--she later ended up drowning herself. Then there was Sylvia Plath, perhaps the most intriguing writer i've ever come across, her character situations are poignant and sarcastic. I wish I was half as clever as Plath; however her character Esther ends up falling into madness and spending her life in a mental institution receiving shock therapy. And of course Plath later committed suicide herself. So why is it that all these brilliant early female writers had lives of desititution? you would think with their talent and intelligence anything would be possible. But as Emily Dickinson wrote best, they put me in the closet expecting me to be still. The irony of that is that Virginia Woolf's essay "A Room of One's Own" discusses how women need space, time to think, and room to be left alone in--Dickinson gives her speaker a Closet and ruminates that if they could only see inside her mind then they would see her her brain -go round-. I think it's a very clever poem. Haha obviously, my head is still in the test.
Last night and the night before I was up ridiculously late for different reasons. My anti-anxiety pills are an amazing little thing, they pack a lot of punch for being a half dose. I can sleep, i can relax..i can not think for five seconds at a time. I had a much needed talk with Kristin the other night at our apartment, and of course I ended up crying even though I try so hard to do my tough, calm, collected facade. Sometimes when you are with people who know you, it's time to just let it out. But it scares me to be honest, I'm afraid if I really let myself cry and feel the hurt from what happened that I won't stop crying. I know that sounds insane and stupid, but it's true. The mention of Lenna in a quiet situation and my emotions go through the roof. I had an awful conversation with My grandma the other day and she was so disoriented and confused asking me about my mom and if she had missed my birthday and it was..awful. I wish she never would have had the stroke, and I wish she would have been with us so I could have protected her. I felt helpless being so far away. I still feel helpless, because I get so upset everytime i hear her sound so disgruntled and out of it on the phone--but i want to talk to HER. I want her to come back. Even now, i get upset and i don't to write about it. and my chest hurts. typical. but anyways, back to my point. I felt when i left that I had a pharmacy in my bag. I have anti-anxiety medicine, anti-depressants, heartburn medicine, pencillin for the strep and some other thing. I felt like an unstable person, only because of how much it takes to mellow me out. why is this happening? really? I don't know what I did to my dad to make him lash out at me and stop loving me if he ever did at all and I don't know why I can't overcome this and put it in the past. I want to talk to people about it, but i don't know how to reach out. I don't know how to admit "i'm having a bad day" and "I'm upset about.." I feel that nobody wants to listen. And people say that you should call them to talk to them but it's like..i will never be the person to pick up the phone to call someone to talk about something really bothering me, idk why. Brian was really intuitive the other day when he told me that my dad was projecting his shortcomings onto me and that it wasn't my fault. I think i really needed to hear that. I understand that my dad has to be a huge..asshole i guess..for abandoning me. All i wanted to do was fall apart after it happened. I think it's difficult because I really expected a magic wand to be waved over me when I got to school and when I found myself hiding out in my room and feeling isolated even more than when I was in Santa Fe something clicked. I'm glad that i went to the therapist, but i dont think i want to go back. I think my journal is more effective. I'd rather talk with one of my friends and have heart to hearts once a week then talk to a stranger who I put on a facade with anyway. Well, my journal definitely took a more intraspective look than I was in the mood for, but i guess it was necessary to put out there.
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Putting my heart back together
"the day i thought i'd never get through--i got over you"
Well today was a whirlwind. This morning at 5am I woke up to throat pains and dizziness, so i went to the kitchen to make a cup of warm water with salt..delectable treats. I had originally planned to attend class but I ended up trying to catch up on sleep to avert sickness..oh well. I then went to circuit city to pick up printer ink which ended up being the wrong kind and ultimately pointless..brilliant. I stopped at BJs to pick up my paycheck and I just wasn't in the mood to be there. Anyway, i went to wells fargo and was going to transfer money from my accounts in nevada to the accounts here, and could you believe it my dad took me off all my accounts? If i had a doubt that he was going to regret his decision and realized that he did love his daughter, I was mistaken. I felt like my heart had been stomped on and ripped out of my chest. My first instinct was to call Eric--idk why I even bother. He was nice about it but I was crying on the phone and it didn't really matter..I didn't get a callback tonight or anything. Thoughtful right? Why do I even bother with it? He comes to Jamie's birthday dinner and gives me a guilt trip and makes everything awkward between us by pouting that I do not come over to watch movies anymore. Well you know what--you fail to ask me about how i'm doing or really care. it's really pretty damn pathetic. Why do I put myself through these things? Lessons learned...how many times does it take? People are off the charts.
Well anyways then Jd and i went to oreganos and it was delicious and fun; it's crazy how long we have known eachother. I sort of talked to him about my dad, even though i would rather not talk to anyone about it it just kind of came out..I guess it had to at some point. i miss allison. but sopko is 21 so that offered a highlight to my day..i'm going to shake it off, read a little bit of the bell jar and hope for the best
Well today was a whirlwind. This morning at 5am I woke up to throat pains and dizziness, so i went to the kitchen to make a cup of warm water with salt..delectable treats. I had originally planned to attend class but I ended up trying to catch up on sleep to avert sickness..oh well. I then went to circuit city to pick up printer ink which ended up being the wrong kind and ultimately pointless..brilliant. I stopped at BJs to pick up my paycheck and I just wasn't in the mood to be there. Anyway, i went to wells fargo and was going to transfer money from my accounts in nevada to the accounts here, and could you believe it my dad took me off all my accounts? If i had a doubt that he was going to regret his decision and realized that he did love his daughter, I was mistaken. I felt like my heart had been stomped on and ripped out of my chest. My first instinct was to call Eric--idk why I even bother. He was nice about it but I was crying on the phone and it didn't really matter..I didn't get a callback tonight or anything. Thoughtful right? Why do I even bother with it? He comes to Jamie's birthday dinner and gives me a guilt trip and makes everything awkward between us by pouting that I do not come over to watch movies anymore. Well you know what--you fail to ask me about how i'm doing or really care. it's really pretty damn pathetic. Why do I put myself through these things? Lessons learned...how many times does it take? People are off the charts.
Well anyways then Jd and i went to oreganos and it was delicious and fun; it's crazy how long we have known eachother. I sort of talked to him about my dad, even though i would rather not talk to anyone about it it just kind of came out..I guess it had to at some point. i miss allison. but sopko is 21 so that offered a highlight to my day..i'm going to shake it off, read a little bit of the bell jar and hope for the best
Friday, March 16, 2007
"I want to transcend"--Just Friends
Alright, i'm about to go to bed and I could not stop myself from reading my latest entry--pretty angry. I do not want to be "that girl" who is angry and embittered at "men" (insert the worlds smallest violin playing) I just feel really...mmm i'm not sure what the word would be here, maybe disappointed? I couldn't tell you right now without more reflection whether or not my feelings towards the opposite sex has been affected by my lack of a relationship with my father as of late. It was hard, when Allison and I were in Nordstrom she nonchalantly mentioned.."do you know when father's day is?" and I responded "I'm not the person to ask." I do not know my own father's birthday and I do not know when father's day is. I had a really bad feeling that i'll be in tucson during father's day and all my roomates will be talking about it and i'll just have to get up and go. I just can't handle hearing about how great everybody else's dad is--mine is somewhere in nevada right now, probably loving spring and golfing. forgetting I exist
I was hesitant about going to London this summer because I really wanted eric to come with me..but now i'm half-heartedly looking forward to London, pinch me, I'm just nervous about embracing that independent strong woman that I know my mother wants me to be. It's scary to look in the mirror and realize you are all you have got. I cannot screw that up.
Why can't things be easier. I just want to find the guy that is going to look at me and think..wow..this is it. i'm the luckiest man to have her in my life; i'm not going to take her foregranted or disappoint her intentionally. i'm going to be the man that she needs without ever thinking of her as an obligation; remember what she has to offer and remind her when she forgets that she is important and strong..and it's okay to have moments of sadness but allow me to cry when i'm trying too hard to smile through the tribulations. more than anything--someone who wants to lighten my load and let me share theirs--someone who wants to make life an adventure but hold my hand through it knowing that i'm their equal. Someone who will teach me how to cook and go on walks with me at night. I want someone who is honest and that does not find a challenge in playing games-honesty---a man who knows the value of a relationship. having sex with a girl is not about bragging to your friends but about being with her intimately. Do you think a guy like that exists? I thought I had found a semblance of that but now i really just don't know. I dont know when I get back to tucson how to act...i want to just be happy and real and beautiful in simplicity. but will there be an elephant in the room? I'm going to give hope a chance to float up..and please let it..i need a little hope..count that as a favor to whomever is listening to think good thoughts for me.
wouldn't that be an amazing thing if we could reach into our friends' hearts and scoop up the pain that is just too much to carry alone. that's what i wish my superpower was. that's my wish.
I was hesitant about going to London this summer because I really wanted eric to come with me..but now i'm half-heartedly looking forward to London, pinch me, I'm just nervous about embracing that independent strong woman that I know my mother wants me to be. It's scary to look in the mirror and realize you are all you have got. I cannot screw that up.
Why can't things be easier. I just want to find the guy that is going to look at me and think..wow..this is it. i'm the luckiest man to have her in my life; i'm not going to take her foregranted or disappoint her intentionally. i'm going to be the man that she needs without ever thinking of her as an obligation; remember what she has to offer and remind her when she forgets that she is important and strong..and it's okay to have moments of sadness but allow me to cry when i'm trying too hard to smile through the tribulations. more than anything--someone who wants to lighten my load and let me share theirs--someone who wants to make life an adventure but hold my hand through it knowing that i'm their equal. Someone who will teach me how to cook and go on walks with me at night. I want someone who is honest and that does not find a challenge in playing games-honesty---a man who knows the value of a relationship. having sex with a girl is not about bragging to your friends but about being with her intimately. Do you think a guy like that exists? I thought I had found a semblance of that but now i really just don't know. I dont know when I get back to tucson how to act...i want to just be happy and real and beautiful in simplicity. but will there be an elephant in the room? I'm going to give hope a chance to float up..and please let it..i need a little hope..count that as a favor to whomever is listening to think good thoughts for me.
wouldn't that be an amazing thing if we could reach into our friends' hearts and scoop up the pain that is just too much to carry alone. that's what i wish my superpower was. that's my wish.
Monday, March 12, 2007
feels like tonight :)
This morning we woke up at 9am and went on the most amazing hike to Hawaii Kai...so beautiful. Hawaii is so different because today I walked around in my spandex and sports bra all day and it was completely normal; however if i was in tucson people would think i was doing it for attention. People, right?
So anyways, it started out kind of gloomy in the morning but by the time we got to the tide pools it was so beautiful and clear outside. I was really afraid to jump in the tide pool because I couldn't figure out what kind of weird fish were in there, and of course it would be my luck that jaws magically came out of the cracks and ate my leg for lunch..vivid imagination i know. But, I did finally get into the tide pool and it was so beautiful. The water was like glass and it was very warm and the ocean kept rushing over the rocks in an awesome white spray. I'm just really impressed, the rocks on the way down were incredibly jagged and steep but we kept going and made it to this amazing oasis--I never thought in a million years that I would be swimming in a tide pool after completing an arduous hike and footing around on black rocks bare foot watching the ocean rise and fall inbetween the rocks. gorgeous.
I definitely got a little sunburned but right when we got home from kozo sushi and coffee bean I booked it into the shower and then lathered myself in aloe vera gel, ouchie sunburns are the worst so I'm attempting to prevent any kind of unnecessary pain. then we ate our sushi and had some more coffee and relaxed to watching will and grace. now we are on the balcony before getting ready. I am so excited to go to Japanese food tonight. I'm trying to be more open minded and spontaneous. I just feel so full of life. It's easy to turn inward and not want to let people in and just be a vegetable but life is amazing. I want to hike more in tucson and just enjoy things, if it is school. I get so bogged down in the drudgery of work and school. I just like being outdoors and smelling the ocean. you lose yourself in deadlines I think.
Anyways so i'm going to try Sake tonight and that should be interesting.
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Hello honolulu
So today was..amazing.
allison and i went to waikiki this morning..well rested and happy. the sun was shining and waking up in the morning making coffee and eating fiber toast with cream honey was the most phenomenal thing ever.
the tourists were priceless, everybody was jam packed into this 2 inch space of beautiful beach; but who the hell cares right? we took cute pictures, had some random japanese asian gangsta ask to take a picture of us and it was pricelessly awkward but everything pretty much is
then we went and got kozo sushi which will just change your life if you ever have it; then we came home went on a total butt run, sweated our brains out and then came home showered and watching sex and the city eating our yummy sushi. Yeah so now we are drinking the most amazing riesling and about to maybe smoke with brian downstairs..loving my life right now.
tomorrow we are going hiking and no worries i will take picture. originally i was going to write a very insightful entry but who has time to be contemplative about life and guys in hawaii? not me. i'm drinking a fucking margarita in love with allison. til tomorrow,
hugs and kisses
allison and i went to waikiki this morning..well rested and happy. the sun was shining and waking up in the morning making coffee and eating fiber toast with cream honey was the most phenomenal thing ever.
the tourists were priceless, everybody was jam packed into this 2 inch space of beautiful beach; but who the hell cares right? we took cute pictures, had some random japanese asian gangsta ask to take a picture of us and it was pricelessly awkward but everything pretty much is
then we went and got kozo sushi which will just change your life if you ever have it; then we came home went on a total butt run, sweated our brains out and then came home showered and watching sex and the city eating our yummy sushi. Yeah so now we are drinking the most amazing riesling and about to maybe smoke with brian downstairs..loving my life right now.
tomorrow we are going hiking and no worries i will take picture. originally i was going to write a very insightful entry but who has time to be contemplative about life and guys in hawaii? not me. i'm drinking a fucking margarita in love with allison. til tomorrow,
hugs and kisses
Wednesday, March 7, 2007
Okay flu...you win.
well i'm recovering from the flu...sitting in my room watching Lost and attempting not to think about things..it's been easier for me than you'd think. It's just too much to sit around and contemplate what's been happening and how significantly things have changed in my life.
I'm leaving for honolulu on thursday and i couldn't be more excited...I just want to be there...feeling the sand in between my toes and the soothing sounds of the ocean rolling over me. I want to run everyday and go snorkeling and get out of here.
Eric is still calling as if nothing has changed, it's been hard because he has been gone for lax. but it's like--is this enough? I need more now. Before, I was always the strong one for him. but the minute the tables changed, I lost priority to a beer pong game. Imagine what that does to your self-worth. It was bad enough losing my dad, i didn't want to lose him too. I can't cry about it. I dont know why. I'm just not ready. It's unfair to call me and tell me how sorry you are and how things will be different but yet nothing changes. It's hypocritical. I have weird dreams that my dad comes back--my therapist thinks he will but i tell people that he died. because he did right? He died to me. He cut me out of his life as if i didn't matter or have feelings of my own. that's not what fathers do. it just hurts..but these are the things i don't think about.
Tomorrow I have alot to do. I have to wake up and go to the administration building 210 and get my transcripts, then fill out a few applications for westminster and submit the packet to the my advisor in the study abroad building. I wish i would have done this earlier but time crept up on me. I also had a pointless meaning with Professor Epstein today, feeling like HELL i might add. he basically told me to troppe track..I was like--"obviously"...he doesn't think highly of me and i can sense it, i definitely have alot of slack to make up for with this paper--i just need the motivation. I just feel defeated in everything; it's weird. but it's up to me.
I'm leaving for honolulu on thursday and i couldn't be more excited...I just want to be there...feeling the sand in between my toes and the soothing sounds of the ocean rolling over me. I want to run everyday and go snorkeling and get out of here.
Eric is still calling as if nothing has changed, it's been hard because he has been gone for lax. but it's like--is this enough? I need more now. Before, I was always the strong one for him. but the minute the tables changed, I lost priority to a beer pong game. Imagine what that does to your self-worth. It was bad enough losing my dad, i didn't want to lose him too. I can't cry about it. I dont know why. I'm just not ready. It's unfair to call me and tell me how sorry you are and how things will be different but yet nothing changes. It's hypocritical. I have weird dreams that my dad comes back--my therapist thinks he will but i tell people that he died. because he did right? He died to me. He cut me out of his life as if i didn't matter or have feelings of my own. that's not what fathers do. it just hurts..but these are the things i don't think about.
Tomorrow I have alot to do. I have to wake up and go to the administration building 210 and get my transcripts, then fill out a few applications for westminster and submit the packet to the my advisor in the study abroad building. I wish i would have done this earlier but time crept up on me. I also had a pointless meaning with Professor Epstein today, feeling like HELL i might add. he basically told me to troppe track..I was like--"obviously"...he doesn't think highly of me and i can sense it, i definitely have alot of slack to make up for with this paper--i just need the motivation. I just feel defeated in everything; it's weird. but it's up to me.
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