well i'm recovering from the flu...sitting in my room watching Lost and attempting not to think about things..it's been easier for me than you'd think. It's just too much to sit around and contemplate what's been happening and how significantly things have changed in my life.
I'm leaving for honolulu on thursday and i couldn't be more excited...I just want to be there...feeling the sand in between my toes and the soothing sounds of the ocean rolling over me. I want to run everyday and go snorkeling and get out of here.
Eric is still calling as if nothing has changed, it's been hard because he has been gone for lax. but it's like--is this enough? I need more now. Before, I was always the strong one for him. but the minute the tables changed, I lost priority to a beer pong game. Imagine what that does to your self-worth. It was bad enough losing my dad, i didn't want to lose him too. I can't cry about it. I dont know why. I'm just not ready. It's unfair to call me and tell me how sorry you are and how things will be different but yet nothing changes. It's hypocritical. I have weird dreams that my dad comes back--my therapist thinks he will but i tell people that he died. because he did right? He died to me. He cut me out of his life as if i didn't matter or have feelings of my own. that's not what fathers do. it just hurts..but these are the things i don't think about.
Tomorrow I have alot to do. I have to wake up and go to the administration building 210 and get my transcripts, then fill out a few applications for westminster and submit the packet to the my advisor in the study abroad building. I wish i would have done this earlier but time crept up on me. I also had a pointless meaning with Professor Epstein today, feeling like HELL i might add. he basically told me to troppe track..I was like--"obviously"...he doesn't think highly of me and i can sense it, i definitely have alot of slack to make up for with this paper--i just need the motivation. I just feel defeated in everything; it's weird. but it's up to me.
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