Alright, i'm about to go to bed and I could not stop myself from reading my latest entry--pretty angry. I do not want to be "that girl" who is angry and embittered at "men" (insert the worlds smallest violin playing) I just feel really...mmm i'm not sure what the word would be here, maybe disappointed? I couldn't tell you right now without more reflection whether or not my feelings towards the opposite sex has been affected by my lack of a relationship with my father as of late. It was hard, when Allison and I were in Nordstrom she nonchalantly mentioned.."do you know when father's day is?" and I responded "I'm not the person to ask." I do not know my own father's birthday and I do not know when father's day is. I had a really bad feeling that i'll be in tucson during father's day and all my roomates will be talking about it and i'll just have to get up and go. I just can't handle hearing about how great everybody else's dad is--mine is somewhere in nevada right now, probably loving spring and golfing. forgetting I exist
I was hesitant about going to London this summer because I really wanted eric to come with me..but now i'm half-heartedly looking forward to London, pinch me, I'm just nervous about embracing that independent strong woman that I know my mother wants me to be. It's scary to look in the mirror and realize you are all you have got. I cannot screw that up.
Why can't things be easier. I just want to find the guy that is going to look at me and think..wow..this is it. i'm the luckiest man to have her in my life; i'm not going to take her foregranted or disappoint her intentionally. i'm going to be the man that she needs without ever thinking of her as an obligation; remember what she has to offer and remind her when she forgets that she is important and strong..and it's okay to have moments of sadness but allow me to cry when i'm trying too hard to smile through the tribulations. more than anything--someone who wants to lighten my load and let me share theirs--someone who wants to make life an adventure but hold my hand through it knowing that i'm their equal. Someone who will teach me how to cook and go on walks with me at night. I want someone who is honest and that does not find a challenge in playing games-honesty---a man who knows the value of a relationship. having sex with a girl is not about bragging to your friends but about being with her intimately. Do you think a guy like that exists? I thought I had found a semblance of that but now i really just don't know. I dont know when I get back to tucson how to act...i want to just be happy and real and beautiful in simplicity. but will there be an elephant in the room? I'm going to give hope a chance to float up..and please let it..i need a little hope..count that as a favor to whomever is listening to think good thoughts for me.
wouldn't that be an amazing thing if we could reach into our friends' hearts and scoop up the pain that is just too much to carry alone. that's what i wish my superpower was. that's my wish.
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