eat.sleep.exercise.

I'm taking the solo approach even though i cringe at the idea of being on my own. but if you think about it, i've been alone in this since the get go. i'm thankful for my friends--who don't mind talking even if it's roundabout and unproductive. I just wish i could go back to be happy go lucky. i wish i didn't have any issues. i wish i had a father. i wish my father didn't affect me. From now on, if someone asks me about him i'm going to say he's dead. because he died to me. i wrote that without crying..that's something. I called the therapist today to see if i could get my appt moved from monday to tomorrow out of desperation and it was a no go. something like that much desperation for somebody to fucking help you makes you realize you're crazy. I guess we're all a little crazy anyway.

I've been fighting with eric like it's my job because there is an entire atlantic ocean between us. we're on different continents. different planets even. I stopped answering his phone calls tonight because i'm just so completely tired of all the shit. I dont want to worry about missing out on a party--it's not my priority. I'm worried about missing out on who i am as a person. I don't even know myself anymore. All i know is that i'm stuck between a rock and hard place with piles of shit just being shoveled ontop of me. Mediocre dilemmas are tiresome and i'm over them. I'm thankful for my friend saying tonight "just a house party? he's not hanging out with you for a house party? There's a lot of guys who would miss out on a lot more than a house party for you..wow." and that's true. so instead of feeling like i've been abandoned by more than one person to add onto everything, i've stopped receiving calls. i dont need to deal with that right now and i deserve alot better. I just really really really really want to have my appt NOW and not have to grumble and grudge through the weekend. My mom told me just to exercise, eat healthy, and sleep. that might have worked if i'd had a bad day but i'm having a horrendous moment that just gets compounded by all the other bullshit of being a 20 y/o girl in college.


this is going to sound incredibly superficial, but i've had this song on repeat the entire journal writing process. nobody gets it, but u2 gets it. Father's can really..really..break you apart:

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

I know that we don't talk
I'm sick of it all
Can - you - hear - me - when - I -
Sing, you're the reason I sing
You're the reason why the opera is in me...

Where are we now?
I've still got to let you know
A house still doesn't make a home
Don't leave me here alone...

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you that makes it hard to let go
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
Sometimes you can't make it
The best you can do is to fake it
Sometimes you can't make it on your own




i will always see a semblance of my father when i look in the mirror, and i will always have the happy childhood memories but they are ruined now..or maybe just painfully bittersweet

The most negative entry of all time

Nobody cares what anybody else goes through because ultimately it's momentary for them and permanent for you. People kid themselves into thinking that other people are dependable and will share their sadness but the truth is nobody wants to be miserable so when you're miserable, good luck and god speed because you're in a sandstorm all alone.

I now think differently about the question "would you take a bullet for someone else" because in truth, nobody would take a bullet for another person. People value their own lives more than anybody elses and that's just human nature, the survival impulse (except my mom) . They'd probably throw you under the bus if it really mattered because what makes your life more valuable than theirs? I know that's negative but i'm feeling negative. I'm sick of "I want to be here for you"--- then be fucking here for me. Words are trivial and meaningless without action. Case and point--my father. The last thing I need is replicas of my father all around me. It just is so absolutely despicable that he's not even a part of my life anymore and i feel absolutely devastated. You'd think i would be happy to be totally independent of him but the truth is i feel dead. I feel totally lifeless and that something has changed in me, something altering that maybe only comes with great suffering and loss. The worst part is that he's probably going on with his life totally uninhibited by anything that happened between us and here i am at 1am with destroyed relationships over my reaction to our severed ties. I'm fucking putting jelly on bread this morning and wondering if troy is going to tell him about my grades this semester and how smart i am. And then I stopped to realize how ridiculous that is because they probably won't even mention me because after all, i'm not a part of his life anymore and pretty meaningless.

Its enough to make you sick isn't it? He can send me an e-mail that completely alters my course of my life and wellbeing and he can just go on with his picture perfect existence thinking that i'm a selfish cold-hearted monster of a daughter. Isn't there something in human instinct to protect your child, to love your child?? I can't imagine abandoning someone but yet it happened and it happens all the time. It just makes me so mad. Why did i have to have a shit father? Why couldn't i be enough? And why is it when you need people the most they aren't around. Nobody is to be found. Maybe because nobody wants to be found. When it comes down to it, to all the people i can talk to there aren't any. There aren't any because i dont want to unload all that i'm carrying around on anybody else, because it's horrible enough as it is and totally embarrassing. So i'm going to have a miserable life while everybody else continues with their saturday night partying and drinking because nothing shitty has happened to them recently. I just fucking hate the world right now and just want to go home to santa fe and sit on my patio and watch the stars and get my life together--a totally and absolute overhaul. Why can't I be with somebody rushing to come over, bringing a movie and just pulling me close and letting me cry knowing that i'm not capable of letting myself do it for an inate unwillingness to be vulnerable. That's never going to happen. So what's the point of even bothering with other people?

To make everything 1000x worse, i can't find Lenna's ring. I went to look for it the other day and it's missing. I can't imagine where it could be or how it could've gotten lost because it's my most sacred possession. I distinctly remember not wanting to bring it to Santa Fe because i was afraid I would lose it, but now i can't remember if i brought it with me to keep it close and accidently left it there. My foot is shaking so rapidly right now because the very thought of losing it makes my heart come out of my throat into a splatter on the keyboard. I just can't seem to get anything right. I dont' want to be around anybody and i'm sure nobody wants to be around me. I just wish i could actually change the course of my thoughts into something positive but it all seems so superficial and stupid. I really dont know what to do with myself.

Fiction

I've been reading "adam bede" by George Eliot. Earlier, I was reading and I felt overwhelmed at the language but now when I was sitting in bed attempting to sink into the world of the book it began to take shape, simply because it's far from my own.

escapism.

That is what fiction is all about--living vicariously through a character; simulation of experiences, falls, and courageous actions. I need a little more Elizabeth in my own personality

I just feel tired. tired to the point of psuedo apathy. I can't truthfully say i'm apathetic although that's disappointing in itself, i wish i was. I try to say "i don't care" whether it be in reference to what shoes my brother buys, whether or not I see Eric, or whether or not I care about what happened with my father. The brutal truth is that i'm a stranger in my own body. I kept pulling away from Eric tonight because I just wanted to crawl into my apartment and just sit where I wouldn't be bothered. Everything is irritating. Life is irritating because i cannot seem to do anything right. I'm irritated that i'm irritated--attempting to feel normal because coincidentally nobody else felt like going out tonight. i can hide under the facade of being tired from work or just overwhelmed with school but it's so far beyond that. I think i need to talk to someone, i'm just...inexplicably uninterested and foreign.

I wrestle with it because on one hand I really need to talk to someone and feel that i'm not a depressive headcase and that stuff like this happens...but on the other i hate talking and feeling like someone is thinking "thank god that's not happening to me and her life sucks" it's just so unproductive to talk to someone who has no idea or real care of what you're going through. I almost want someone to be like "I know you better than that, and you may be trying to come off cool and collected but I see in your little compulsions that you're falling apart--don't worry though i'll glue you back together"

I'm even tempted to erase this whole thing because I dont want to feel this way or have real problems. I know that i'm blessed in alot of ways..I have great friends, intelligence, opportunities and a fortunate family..but at the end of the day it's just me and my thoughts. I have nightmares and yesterday I could run all I wanted but i couldn't shake them off me.


I just really don't know anymore and it seems easy to say all things pass..I know all the stock quotes..I tell myself things..there's always tomorrow--i'm right where I want to be--everything happens for a reason. but sometimes life is a bitch. It hurts while its happening..but we lick our wounds