eat.sleep.exercise.

I'm taking the solo approach even though i cringe at the idea of being on my own. but if you think about it, i've been alone in this since the get go. i'm thankful for my friends--who don't mind talking even if it's roundabout and unproductive. I just wish i could go back to be happy go lucky. i wish i didn't have any issues. i wish i had a father. i wish my father didn't affect me. From now on, if someone asks me about him i'm going to say he's dead. because he died to me. i wrote that without crying..that's something. I called the therapist today to see if i could get my appt moved from monday to tomorrow out of desperation and it was a no go. something like that much desperation for somebody to fucking help you makes you realize you're crazy. I guess we're all a little crazy anyway.

I've been fighting with eric like it's my job because there is an entire atlantic ocean between us. we're on different continents. different planets even. I stopped answering his phone calls tonight because i'm just so completely tired of all the shit. I dont want to worry about missing out on a party--it's not my priority. I'm worried about missing out on who i am as a person. I don't even know myself anymore. All i know is that i'm stuck between a rock and hard place with piles of shit just being shoveled ontop of me. Mediocre dilemmas are tiresome and i'm over them. I'm thankful for my friend saying tonight "just a house party? he's not hanging out with you for a house party? There's a lot of guys who would miss out on a lot more than a house party for you..wow." and that's true. so instead of feeling like i've been abandoned by more than one person to add onto everything, i've stopped receiving calls. i dont need to deal with that right now and i deserve alot better. I just really really really really want to have my appt NOW and not have to grumble and grudge through the weekend. My mom told me just to exercise, eat healthy, and sleep. that might have worked if i'd had a bad day but i'm having a horrendous moment that just gets compounded by all the other bullshit of being a 20 y/o girl in college.


this is going to sound incredibly superficial, but i've had this song on repeat the entire journal writing process. nobody gets it, but u2 gets it. Father's can really..really..break you apart:

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you when I don't pick up the phone
Sometimes you can't make it on your own

I know that we don't talk
I'm sick of it all
Can - you - hear - me - when - I -
Sing, you're the reason I sing
You're the reason why the opera is in me...

Where are we now?
I've still got to let you know
A house still doesn't make a home
Don't leave me here alone...

And it's you when I look in the mirror
And it's you that makes it hard to let go
Sometimes you can't make it on your own
Sometimes you can't make it
The best you can do is to fake it
Sometimes you can't make it on your own




i will always see a semblance of my father when i look in the mirror, and i will always have the happy childhood memories but they are ruined now..or maybe just painfully bittersweet