Nobody cares what anybody else goes through because ultimately it's momentary for them and permanent for you. People kid themselves into thinking that other people are dependable and will share their sadness but the truth is nobody wants to be miserable so when you're miserable, good luck and god speed because you're in a sandstorm all alone.
I now think differently about the question "would you take a bullet for someone else" because in truth, nobody would take a bullet for another person. People value their own lives more than anybody elses and that's just human nature, the survival impulse (except my mom) . They'd probably throw you under the bus if it really mattered because what makes your life more valuable than theirs? I know that's negative but i'm feeling negative. I'm sick of "I want to be here for you"--- then be fucking here for me. Words are trivial and meaningless without action. Case and point--my father. The last thing I need is replicas of my father all around me. It just is so absolutely despicable that he's not even a part of my life anymore and i feel absolutely devastated. You'd think i would be happy to be totally independent of him but the truth is i feel dead. I feel totally lifeless and that something has changed in me, something altering that maybe only comes with great suffering and loss. The worst part is that he's probably going on with his life totally uninhibited by anything that happened between us and here i am at 1am with destroyed relationships over my reaction to our severed ties. I'm fucking putting jelly on bread this morning and wondering if troy is going to tell him about my grades this semester and how smart i am. And then I stopped to realize how ridiculous that is because they probably won't even mention me because after all, i'm not a part of his life anymore and pretty meaningless.
Its enough to make you sick isn't it? He can send me an e-mail that completely alters my course of my life and wellbeing and he can just go on with his picture perfect existence thinking that i'm a selfish cold-hearted monster of a daughter. Isn't there something in human instinct to protect your child, to love your child?? I can't imagine abandoning someone but yet it happened and it happens all the time. It just makes me so mad. Why did i have to have a shit father? Why couldn't i be enough? And why is it when you need people the most they aren't around. Nobody is to be found. Maybe because nobody wants to be found. When it comes down to it, to all the people i can talk to there aren't any. There aren't any because i dont want to unload all that i'm carrying around on anybody else, because it's horrible enough as it is and totally embarrassing. So i'm going to have a miserable life while everybody else continues with their saturday night partying and drinking because nothing shitty has happened to them recently. I just fucking hate the world right now and just want to go home to santa fe and sit on my patio and watch the stars and get my life together--a totally and absolute overhaul. Why can't I be with somebody rushing to come over, bringing a movie and just pulling me close and letting me cry knowing that i'm not capable of letting myself do it for an inate unwillingness to be vulnerable. That's never going to happen. So what's the point of even bothering with other people?
To make everything 1000x worse, i can't find Lenna's ring. I went to look for it the other day and it's missing. I can't imagine where it could be or how it could've gotten lost because it's my most sacred possession. I distinctly remember not wanting to bring it to Santa Fe because i was afraid I would lose it, but now i can't remember if i brought it with me to keep it close and accidently left it there. My foot is shaking so rapidly right now because the very thought of losing it makes my heart come out of my throat into a splatter on the keyboard. I just can't seem to get anything right. I dont' want to be around anybody and i'm sure nobody wants to be around me. I just wish i could actually change the course of my thoughts into something positive but it all seems so superficial and stupid. I really dont know what to do with myself.
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