I really should write a book. The book I would..will..write would...will... cover the span of my many complicatedbutpassionateyethumblingandsometimesokaybutusuallytragic relationships. My mother reiterated to me over dinner tonight, "you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else." This is the lesson I have re-learned over the past few months.
Outside of my mother, I have two very strong women in my life: Jamie and Kristin. They are different but the same. They are both classy, independent, honest, and compassionate women. They are also both very patient for listening to me as I stumbled and tripped, mostly over myself, the past couple months. Both of them have navigated the treacherous dating field and found respectable nice guys to date. At the end of the day, I look at their relationships and I realize that I want something that just works too. They've had their fair share of dating disasters (like we all have) and they never settled for just for now. I cannot make something work, or make someone get their act together, I can only make the best of the circumstances. I was driving in my car, discussing everything and nothing with Jamie, when she said 'If this would've been last year, we wouldn't even be having this conversation.' It all clicked. The woman I am, but temporarily lost, would never settle for anything less than butterflies. I also realize that 99% of relationship do not work out...and that has to be okay. It has to be okay that Jason and I are not together. We broke up for a reason. We broke up and that's okay. He'll be okay and so will I. It took me a few months to remember to trust my own judgment--I love him, but he's not right for me.
I woke up today and saw everything clearly. I looked around at all the dysfunction--relationships, baggage, depression, drama--and I decided enough is enough. I'm not dysfunctional. I don't want dysfunction in my life, in any form. Jason and I had a bizarre altercation last night when I was out with the girls. He wanted to fight with me--I can't blame him. I understand that the situation is complicated and difficult..but it became dysfunctional. Either way, I let him go. I feel at peace with all the relationship "stuff" that transpired this fall. I learned some valuable lessons. I'm going to learn from my mistakes.
I don't need a relationship. I'm not spending my time wanting a relationship either. I'm just here.
I'll never forget sitting in a massive lecture hall, reading over the lines "Whatever is, is right" by Alexander Pope. It calms my soul--so simple and so true. I also like the flipside, "Whatever isn't, isn't right."
Whatever isn't..isn't right. Doesn't that just make everything so simple?
Simple.
Finally.
Insert sigh of relief here.
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