I really should write a book.

I really should write a book.  The book I would..will..write would...will... cover the span of my many complicatedbutpassionateyethumblingandsometimesokaybutusuallytragic relationships.  My mother reiterated to me over dinner tonight, "you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else." This is the lesson I have re-learned over the past few months.

Outside of my mother, I have two very strong women in my life: Jamie and Kristin.  They are different but the same.  They are both classy, independent, honest, and compassionate women.  They are also both very patient for listening to me as I stumbled and tripped, mostly over myself, the past couple months.   Both of them have navigated the treacherous dating field and found respectable nice guys to date.  At the end of the day, I look at their relationships and I realize that I want something that just works too.   They've had their fair share of dating disasters (like we all have) and they never settled for just for now.  I cannot make something work, or make someone get their act together, I can only make the best of the circumstances.  I was driving in my car, discussing everything and nothing with Jamie, when she said 'If this would've been last year, we wouldn't even be having this conversation.' It all clicked.  The woman I am, but temporarily lost, would never settle for anything less than butterflies.  I also realize that 99% of relationship do not work out...and that has to be okay.  It has to be okay that Jason and I are not together.  We broke up for a reason.  We broke up and that's okay.  He'll be okay and so will I.  It took me a few months to remember to trust my own judgment--I love him, but he's not right for me.

I woke up today and saw everything clearly.  I looked around at all the dysfunction--relationships, baggage, depression, drama--and I decided enough is enough.  I'm not dysfunctional. I don't want dysfunction in my life, in any form.  Jason and I had a bizarre altercation last night when I was out with the girls.  He wanted to fight with me--I can't blame him.  I understand that the situation is complicated and difficult..but it became dysfunctional.  Either way, I let him go.  I feel at peace with all the relationship "stuff" that transpired this fall.  I learned some valuable lessons.  I'm going to learn from my mistakes.

I don't need a relationship.  I'm not spending my time wanting a relationship either.  I'm just here.

I'll never forget sitting in a massive lecture hall, reading over the lines "Whatever is, is right" by Alexander Pope.  It calms my soul--so simple and so true.  I also like the flipside, "Whatever isn't, isn't right."

Whatever isn't..isn't right.  Doesn't that just make everything so simple?

Simple.

Finally.

Insert sigh of relief here.

If this was a movie, you'd be here by now.

There is a quote by William Shakespeare that I keep repeating to myself, "Wisely and slow; They stumble that run fast."

When I sat down in my desk chair, the events of the past few months flooded to my mind in a bittersweet flash of images.

It's been a whirlwind couple of months.  I can't believe I made it through.  I'm here.  I'm me. I'm healing.  


I remember when waking up in the morning was a brutal reminder of the state of my life.  It's incredible the depths that we can sink to--the ability of the universe to surround you at once when your defenses are down.  You stand there, unable to see beyond it, wondering when you lost sight of the outside.  Muck, everywhere.  My heart used to thud in my head every time someone walked up to me too quickly or talked too loudly.  I'm free now.  On Saturday night, I hailed a taxi cab by myself in old town and went home by myself.  I walked to my apartment passed the rows of doors, not terrified that someone was going to attack me.  It hit me all at once tonight, so much has changed.  I'm awake again.

I've acclimated to my schedule and I'm even smiling through the not so delightful parts--like typing a paper for three hours tonight, wishing I was curled up on the sofa taking a siesta.  It's give and take these days. Taking a phone call from Jason. Giving him the honest truth.

I asked him about homework and he asked about 'us'.  The question took me off guard because there hasn't been an us for months.  He told me that he couldn't talk to me anymore if we were just going to continue being friends.  I went apathetic.  I didn't know what to say.  We haven't spent time together outside of class since July.  I told him that I genuinely care how he is doing and that despite not working out in a relationship--pursuing a friendship was worth it to me because I do care.   In the end, we aren't going to be talking to each other anymore.  It's really, really, really, really, really, really, REALLY over. I guess I was naive to believe that we could be friends after dating.  As I was telling Kris about the conversation, I said "I just can't cut people out of my life like that.  Just because we didn't work out in a relationship doesn't mean I don't care about him and want to be part of his life." She reminded me of a simple truth--not everyone is like me.   Jason can't just be my friend.  Lately, I feel like I'm on the receiving end of a lot of relationship decisions.

So, as October ends, so does the case of the ex-boyfriends.  No revolving door.  I didn't even think about unlocking it.  I know better.  I've actually learned from my mistakes this time.

Things have changed significantly.   I feel as if I got dropped back into someone else's life--this doesn't feel exactly like mine.  Even though I was heartbroken at the beginning of the month, I didn't seek solace in a new relationship.  I've successfully navigated through all my bruised parts and started putting myself back together. I was walking Bella this morning, remembering when people were suggesting I drop out of student teaching this semester and wait until the Spring, and I did it--almost done, loving every day.  I've come SO far.  Juggling all these things, moving with all these wounds--here I am. I'm doing okay, just me.

I wonder about the universe.  The ex-boyfriends are all gone with no battle scars left behind, all of my friends are in serious relationships and I'm on my own.  Interestingly enough, today--this moment, is the first time I feel like I'm honestly ready to have someone be part of my life.  I feel like I could go on a date--laugh and be silly, be MYSELF and not a victim, be present, be ridiculous...be okay. I could introduce myself, without thinking 'who the hell am I?' anyway in my mind.  I could take things slow and not feel torn between being 'honest' and putting on a tough front.  I can face the unknown beyond December in stride, trusting it will all work out.  I'm completely capable of handling whatever the universe is going to send my way.

I'm okay.

What a ride.  What a beautiful, ridiculous, humbling few months.

I never anticipated that I would be totally on my own at this point in my life.  I also never anticipated that I would be doing okay totally on my own.  I think about writing about everything..we..I've been through.  When it happens, it's going to be one, much anticipated, happy ending.

If this was a movie, you'd be here by now.