I was up until 3 AM, reflecting on the events of the past two months--this well-loved, battered emotional baggage that sits in the corner. Yesterday, something within me just broke. I broke under all the pressure I've been attempting to hold at bay above my head. I felt angry about everything that has been happening lately.
I'm lonely.
That is the root of everything. I know that I need to start taking care of my wounds instead of hiding them--but this is the one time, out of all the series of life's cruel experiences, that I really don't want to do it alone. People don't talk to me about August 22nd.
I'm spread so emotionally thin, that I just didn't have it in me to be rational and separate emotion from reason. Yesterday, I gave into the floodgates of emotions.. I've had this snowball in motion that turned into an avalanche.
The court hearing was today. Today, the day I've been trying to pretend doesn't exist.
Last night, I had to submit my impact statement. I can't tell you why it was so hard for me to send it. Last night was the splintering of everything, it came out of nowhere and nothing seems to be the same.
Last night was like a death for me. I felt like I was being cut out of someone's life. Why is it so much easier for other people to just walk away? I can't pretend that I don't care. My father walked away from me 3 years ago and he is fine. Yet, I still love him, in spite of everything. Maybe there is something wrong with me that I can't forget about people.
Why can't I just pretend the past two months never happened? That I haven't grown accustomed to having someone in my life, people become a part of you. How can you go from loving someone to not wanting to talk to them or have that innate need to simply know how they are doing? I understand space and needing time. Life demands that sometimes. I just never thought that involved completely disappearing. I still exist. How it is possible that you could cut out someone you loved out of your life like they aren't..weren't important. Like they aren't a part of you, a part of your life.
Why am I here, all alone? Oh life, you've really kicked my ass this time. It's time to get my happy back.
The past two months have been full of events, events that we survived because no matter what, we were going to stick by each other. I would've stuck by you through all of this. I made a promise, the morning in my kitchen, that I wasn't going to let you ruin this. Last night, listening to you letting me go--I felt like I broke that promise. Some part of me wanted to tell you no, that we would be fine, that we could work through all of this. The bittersweet part was that I have to respect your choices, because I do want what's best for you, and the only reason I didn't speak up was because I didn't feel like you really wanted us anymore. I don't want anyone I have to chase. I want someone who is crazy about me, and will love me whole heartedly.
It isn't about me, or feeling like this isn't fair to me. I'm capable of making decisions and knowing what I can and cannot handle. If I really The truth of it is-- I feel like you lost faith in us, lost faith in me. You said you used to be able to see me clearly in all of this, I don't know why you decided to close your eyes to everything we are. I realize that you are not yourself. I miss you. I've missed you. I'm afraid that in letting you walk away, I've lost you. If you really want us, would you have shut me out like this? I cannot really believe that if you are in love with someone, you could handle not being in their life and hearing their voice--knowing that they are safe and okay. Take your space, but don't treat me like I never happened, that I didn't exist. I'm here. The past five months happened. We happened. We've survived the worst and now you're gone. Here I am, making room for the rational side of me that says--I really did lose you. There will never be an us, because after everything, you could walk away from me.
The part that is unfair is that I'm not really sure what is happening. If I, in my gut, feel like you don't want us anymore--is that the truth? Or is the truth that you do need time to clear away the skeletons to move forward with me. These are the questions that have no answers.
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