My mother raised me to be better than this...time to pick myself back up.

So we've been reading Frankenstein, and I've fallen in love with Mary Shelley's writing.  Her commentary in the beginning chapters on the stages of grief and feelings of loss struck a chord within me and has been reverberating all day.  After a certain period of time, she said that we begin to indulge ourselves in our feelings of discontent/depression.  There comes a time, when our depression is indulgent.
 

When did my own company become unsatisfactory?

 The past few weeks I've realized that the worst part of my day is the end and the beginning.  I come home, prepare a lunch for the next day, get the coffee maker prepped for the morning, eat something blase, and then peel off my clothes and crawl into bed--easing my way into sleep, begrudgingly accepting that tomorrow will be full of the same emptiness.

I used to ache for the part of the day when I would finally get to be alone.  When did being alone become so scary? Or a sign of failure? I guess about 1 month and 1/2 ago.  I wrote in my impact statement that the biggest thing to change about me in the course of this crazy event was my sense of confidence in myself. I used to speak with conviction.  Walk with a steady step.

I drove by the park on Chaparral and Hayden tonight, my heart ached a little as my eyes followed the lone runners in between the couples walking.  I envied them.  The loners and the couples.  When I dropped off blockbuster, a couple was getting out of their car for a DVD date night--it's one of those wistful sigh moments....I'd be lying if I said that wasn't something I wished I was doing.  Wasn't I just doing that? The irony. When did being a plus one become so complicated? All these hurdles and road blocks.  Just when you think you have the green light, breathing easy as the universe seemingly begins to align--just to watch it all fall apart in a beautiful cacophony of goodbye.

The first stage of moving forward: acceptance.

I am willing to accept that the event changed me. I hate calling it an 'event' but I have no other way to classify it.  It's almost like equating it to a bad party.  It'll do.

I'll accept that I'm a little dark and twisty on the inside right now.  Borrowing the words of my grandmother, I'm getting better everyday.

I'll accept/admit I'm a little afraid of being alone with my thoughts.  But, today..I'm feeling peaceful and more confident than I've have in a long time.  

I made a promise to myself this morning--I refuse to forget who I am.  In these little moments, sometimes I feel like I don't recognize myself anymore.   So it's going to begin with following a suggestion made by Piglet.

5 "Courtney" things that make me happy:
1. Coffee in an oversized mug in the morning, curled up on the sofa (no rushing allowed).
2. Camelback mountain--sitting at the top and getting perspective--we all look like ants.
3. Reading a good book in a newly discovered nook (preferably with a view and sunshine)
4. Epic runs--me, rhythmic breathing, pavement, and kicking up dust on the past.
5. Candles burning


This weekend I'm confronting my fears.  I'm going to be alone, separated with little to distract me. I'm excited to see my grandmother, but nervous about all the quiet.  It's time to remember the difference between solitude and loneliness.  Time to become that girl from a couple months ago--she really was fearless. 

I will never let myself be the type of girl who would spend a day being unhappy because of a failed relationship.  What will be, will be.  Trust in the universe.  I believe in can'tlivewithoutyou love.  I believe in happily ever after.  I believe that I too will have a onceinalifetime ending.  I won't settle for anything less.

I don't have my partner yet.  I don't have that hand to rest on my mind, to hold on to when life gets shaky.  But I have myself...and that's more than enough. Time to snap out of it.

Any change, any loss, does not make us victims. Others can shake you, surprise you, disappoint you, but they can't prevent you from acting, from taking the situation you're presented with and moving on. No matter where you are in life, no matter what your situation, you can always do something. You always have a choice and the choice can be power