Queen of my own chaos. Just look at this chaos. It's everywhere...lining the wall, strewn across the floor, piled on my bed. I'm looking for a semblance of what used to be my life--I'm coming up empty.
Here's the saddest part. The real kicker if you will. After work today, I couldn't get home fast enough. I just wanted to be alone. Now, at 7:10 PM on Saturday night--I'm alone and all I want to really do is cry. Two months ago, I wanted to get off the roller coaster and now I feel like I've become the roller coaster.
Maybe I didn't realize how much a relationship was part of my life: the old, interesting life. I left a relationship with someone who was giving half-effort, to enter into "whateverthisis" with someone half-in.
It's so devastatingly simple.
When I picture my "ideal" life and situation, this is definitively not it. Now, what do I do to begin to pick up the pieces? I'm wedged in the tight space of a workaholic graduate student with barely enough energy to fulfill my end of the life obligations' deal I signed up for last August.
If I could just convince the pit in my chest that things aren't as bad as they seem. That i'm not as totally alone as I feel. That i'm not on an emotional island, looking around at miles of nothing and no one.
I re-read my entry from a couple of night's ago..I repeated "I want someone.." over and over again. Maybe I do want someone. That's the first sign I know things are off balance. I need to stop wanting..I need to just call it what it is and accept what it is not.
Yes I'm exhausted.
Yes I'm too busy.
Yes I'm overwhelmed.
Yes I'm a rollercoaster.
Yes I'm bored.
Yes I'm lonely.
Yes I'm alone.
No I'm not going to drop the ball.
No I don't want to believe getting my master's was a total waste of time
No I don't want to be believe that I'm settling too much
No I don't want to be believe that this is as good as it gets.
No I don't want to be HERE...in between all this chaos.
I do need to pick up my pieces. Pick my ego up off the floor, dust it off, and get going. I need to believe that life has something wonderful in store, and all this muck and darkness is just yet another experience to make me better than I was before. I need to remember who I am and what I'm all about.
Oh life, you've really kicked my ass this time.
Devastatingly simple.
No comments:
Post a Comment