What does marriage mean to you?

So I have been dabbling in writing a new story.  I took most of the characters and plot complications from "The Revolving Door" and am putting my new story together like a slow moving puzzle.  Although my life hasn't been extraordinary--I have learned a few tough lessons along the way.  If I could pass the torch to another young woman, to explain to her a few of the simple truths regarding relationships, life, and moving forward-- I would be satisfied.

Over the past couple of days I have been wishing to have a crystal ball.  I even peruse daily horoscope sites, searching for answers about the direction my life is going.  I wish I had a compass--to point me in the direction of my goals, friends, and romantic interests.  Imagine knowing you definitively made the right choice.  [Insert wistful sigh here]

What about sparks? I rarely spark with someone...are sparks always mutual? When two people are separated by circumstances but connected by chemistry--is it inevitable they will make it work..or does life laugh at our fated desires? This leads to my essential question of life lately...how do you know when someone is the one?  Of course I could regurgitate the cliche witticisms splayed throughout society: I knew on our first date (did you? did you? That's called LUST), or "it's the person that you can't live without"---but what does that really mean in the long run?  Worse still, can love remain unrequited? I loathe the circumstances that bring about the notorious can'thavehimbutwanthimcrush.  To me, the idea is unfathomable.

It's strange, I have always considered myself to be a hopeless romantic.  I read love stories--I believe in them...so much so that I truly, truly, deeply believe that love can resemble a fairytale.  I just don't want to be so disillusioned that I end up alone--not wanting to accept the inevitable relationship scenario.

Someone said to me the other day that love or marriage is a "conversation that never ends." This taps into a fear I've had that originated years ago when I was waitressing.   An older couple came in nonchalantly and sat at the table in complete silence reading across from each other.  The scene broke my heart; does every relationship reach a point where you have nothing left to say?

For some reason, growing up, I never really pictured what marriage would be like.  It's quite strange, we have so much build up to this "glorious" event and yet...I have no real idea what it would be like.  What does marriage mean?  I would love to hear some opinions about this.  The sad truth of it is that I don't really know that many married couples--all that I know is that two people, sitting idly on the sofa watching tv, not talking over dinner, and arguing over bratty children seems like a nightmare.  I am not naive enough to think that there isn't some beauty in contentment--but when does contentment turn into settling? Do any married couples keep the romance and passion alive? Does it all have to turn into day-to-day routines of laundry, kids, and hectic schedules?

Would it be totally inappropriate to take to the streets with a camera crew and capture the instinctual responses of married couples in the street?  Could I possibly be that nosy for just one day? I'm dying to find out the answers.

Whatever your sentiments on Astrology

I've been re-reading my blogs, baffled by my own flair for the dramatic.  Although I write in the moment--the one thing that is prevalent in all of my latest journals is realizing things about myself that aren't working.  Over the past couple of months, I have realized that I am slightly intolerant of other people--particularly when I feel like they are being "weak." My writing is my time to 'vent' and 'complain' but you would rarely hear me voicing these sentiments in a public setting.  I am continually concerned with how something should be, not necessarily just accepting things for what they are or how I am.  For example, wondering the best way to handle a disagreement with an acquaintance--how am I supposed to go about being tactful and pragmatic? I never want to handle something inappropriately or too emotionally.  Very rarely will my emotions get the best of me.  If I could shut off my brain, it would spare me hours (and my friends) of over analyzing.  In the book, The Four Agreements, the first agreement is "Don't take anything personally."  This is one of my biggest downfalls.

I found this yearly astrology thing, and it seems pretty dead on with what I am going through--coincidence?  

You may get an opportunity to teach, write or share important knowledge and information with others. Don’t be pre-occupied with finding the perfect phrase or line, speak from your heart, let the spirit move you. Unpredictable and unorthodox Uranus moves into Aries over the spring and summer and will return to Aries for approximately 7 years from 2011. Aries is associated with probably the most complex area of your solar chart. Therefore you can expect 2010 to be the start of an important period in your life when you get greater insight into how you can sometimes be your own worse enemy. This might be exciting, it might be shocking and it may also be disruptive but what it can help you free yourself from those aspects of yourself you can’t quite grasp or even understand, but which may be preventing you reaching your potential. Meditation, metaphysics and dreams are avenues to explore since they can enable you to get insight into hidden aspects of yourself. So whether you’re bending spoons, learning astrology or learning to meditate, this really is the beginning of a time when understanding can come from exploring your inner world. This is the beginning of a process that can enable you to release yourself from the ghosts of your past, and your own, more personal demons. With beneficial Jupiter joining Uranus in the Aries over the spring and summer, this can be a time of healing and insight.


Some of the individuals who enter your life during this period will be around for a long time and could prove to be a source of much help, support and encouragement to you in the future. You may meet someone older and wiser who acts like a mentor or benefactor, or you may find yourself playing this role in the lives of others. Therefore this is an excellent time for networking, teamwork and establishing contacts and for getting involved in groups or organisations and teaming up with others who share your personal and professional aims and aspirations. With Mars in Leo until June, the first half of 2010 could be a busy and possibly disruptive time for you on the domestic front. Consequently, this may be a good time for you to move or put your energy into sorting out and improving your home and living environment. You may feel the need to assert yourself with relatives, neighbours or your landlord. However with Mars, there is always the potential for conflict. Therefore if you’ve something to say, try to remain calm and don’t let stubbornness or pride become an obstacle to reaching agreement and compromise.

Taurus 2010 - Love

Behind your calm, easygoing facade you’re a very passionate, sensual animal. When it comes to love, you seldom make the first move, preferring to attract what you want to you. With a solar eclipse falling on Venus, planet of love, as 2010 gets underway, this suggests that you may have to venture outside your usual scene and routine if you‘re looking for romance. You could meet someone special while studying or travelling and you could even find yourself drawn to someone from a different background or culture to your own. Jupiter’s move into Pisces suggest 2010 will be a good year for you socially, so make the most of opportunities to meet new people next year. However, with Mars in Leo until June, to avoid tension on the domestic front, try not to let family members or relatives interfere in your relationships during this period.  With Saturn in Virgo from April to July, this could be busy and potentially demanding time for you romantically. Therefore it’s important not to let your critical eye prevent love from entering your heart at this time. If things get a little stressful, be patient and try not to complicate matters.

Taurus 2010 - Work

2010 promises to be a very productive year in which you can build upon your progress in recent years. The quantity and quality of your work is likely to increase and you may be given a bigger job or more responsibility in the workplace. Nevertheless this should be an excellent time to return to study or training. While you’re more likely to do well in subjects that interest you, ideally try to do something that is creative, technical and relevant to your career goals. The key to work success next year and beyond is to develop greater technical expertise and specialisation in your work. This would also be a good time to improve your language skills because you may have opportunities to work with foreign people and companies. Work and health are linked next year, so don’t take on too much. Learning to say no will reduce stress levels. Try to look after your health and diet and develop a more effective and efficient daily routine. This will enable you to manage your workload and keep your edge in the market place.

The afternoon knows what the morning never suspected.

For the others who may feel as lost as I do sometimes...

Tomorrow is the most important thing in life. Comes in to us at midnight very clean. It's perfect when it arrives and it puts itself in our hands and hopes we've learnt something from yesterday.

The future is something which every one reaches at the rate of sixty miles an hour, whatever he does, whoever he is.

Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present.

re is only one large circle that we march in, around and around, each of us with our own little picture-in front of us-our own little mirage that we think is the future.

Nothing in life is more remarkable than the unnecessary anxiety which we endure, and generally create ourselves.

I have always been driven by some distant music-a battle hymn no doubt-for I have been at war from the beginning. I've never looked back before. I've never had the time and it has always seemed so dangerous.

Life has a funny way of changing.  After college, I thought the only time of uncertainty would be before Spain.  Now, as December is crawling up (because it is moving at a snail's pace) I find myself once again in a state of flux.  Beyond December is an unknown, a complete variable--it makes me feel like nothing is certain outside of myself.  I hate that feeling. Linus when his blanket is in the dryer. 

I'm so burnt out that I actually cried the whole drive home.

I am exhausted.   I babysat little Courtney today and almost fell asleep multiple times.  I actually laid across the floor like the outline of a dead body.  I am exhausted.  What made me break down and cry the whole way home from J's new apartment was the realization that I am not happy.  I don't feel young, beautiful, exciting or fun.  I feel like I am losing myself in the day to day shuffle.  At work I have to be serious and organized to keep the kids in line, in class I am stressed and anxious--completely overwhelmed by my horrible professor, and then with J I feel like I am his pal to get things done with--not his girlfriend.  There is no picturesque romance happening-- there is depletion after shoving mattresses across a massive parking lot and up stairs.  There is standing in a kitchen, gnawing on pizza after not eating all day--too tired to really speak to each other.  I feel like there is an ocean between us, any conversation we have being drowned out by the ongoing hurricane.  The real fear, the real frustration is that my life is not what I expected.

We grow up thinking that things will magically work out the way they are supposed to--that every decision we make will be the right one, that doing the right thing will be easy, that falling in love will be as obvious as gravity.  As I am getting older, I am realizing that life isn't as beautiful as the picture I painted in my mind as a little girl, even 2 years ago.   I always thought love would be the easy part--I never thought that life and stress would play a role in my relationship.  I am sure that sounds naive to all the realists out there--but for me, that was a real belief.  I believed in the fairytale--and I what I struggle with is whether or not it exists.  Part of me still believes that our lives will be magical because they are ours, because it is what we wanted with who we wanted (rather, who we could not live without)--but the other part, thinks that maybe nothing is what it seemed.  Maybe love loses the romance--maybe two people can't be as crazy about each other as they were when they had the butterflies.   Maybe we won't get the promotion we felt entitled to and worked so hard for--maybe we won't get the recognition for our work...maybe, as hard as you tried not to, you'll find yourself settling because you don't know what else to do.  That is my biggest fear.

I would be happy rinsing the stress from the past two months off my skin--I need to be clean of the stress.  I need to handle it better.

I don't even know where to begin in starting to relax.  I feel like a wind up toy that is on full speed.  I hope I can survive this summer-I don't want to lose myself in the shuffle between school, work and my OCD idiosyncrasies.  I just don't want this to be my life.  It's too draining.  I just wonder if all of this was a mistake, I feel like I don't know what I'm doing and things are just moving too fast.  I feel like i've lost myself to the stress.  I am who I am.  I will never be ambivalent to grades, I will never be able to fall asleep in a messy room, I will never go to sleep without having taking care of what I needed to--I can't help who I am.   But I refuse to be some stressed out fool running around on hyperspeed because of school and work and the life that happens in between.  I just need to shut the world off sometimes and just sit.  I miss being able to be at peace with myself and just shut off my mind.  I am making a vow to do something nice for myself this weekend.  I can't go-go-go all the time. I'm exhausted.

So tired but still wide awake.

Lack of activity destroys the good condition of every human being, while 

movement and methodical physical exercise save it and preserve it. - 

Plato 

Do you ever wonder why we fixate on our physique? Everyday we are bombarded by advertisements--the new way to be thin without doing anything.  I pulled into the gym parking lot this morning, thinking about my spinning certification...the only thing that came to mind was "it's not my life right now." Spinning and fitness cannot be my life right now.  Sometimes I wonder what it is all for--this obsession with being lean.  For me, I think it makes me feel in control.  I can control how my body looks and how far I can run.  I thought about how tired I was and how I could be resting before a long day at work and school..I just wanted to know what was the point of it all? There is a difference between being healthy and than being as toned and as in shape as I like to be.   Whenever I am stressed in life, the first words out of my mouth are something negative about my body.  I have probably never been in better shape than I am now, and yet I still feel dissatisfied.  I don't even have an "ideal" physique in mind, I have no idea what would make me feel 100% happy with my body..which leads me to believe it's something I am dealing with internally.  

Today flew by--the kids are so entertaining, and draining, at the same time.  Tomorrow is the Cabin Challenge--we came up with a chant using "You're a Jerk" by New Boyz.  After work tomorrow, J is moving into his new apartment after months in his sewer--the last thing I feel like doing is moving furniture all weekend.  I'm babysitting on Saturday and then helping him move the rest of the night (renting a truck to move the heavy pieces..woo haha) and then I need to work on homework for the week on Sunday.  I just don't want my life to be so occupied that I don't have time for myself.   I need time to just be lazy.  Is anyone else like that? Where you could literally just sit on your couch for 3 hours watching HGTV and be thrilled to pieces? Tanning would be a dream...floating in the pool.  Summer loses it's dreamy appeal when you're not on break from school--two weeks vacation in the real world is unacceptable.  

This is completely random--but one of my friends just got engaged.  I was so thrilled for her that I became teary eyed upon receiving the news.  Days later, I find myself realizing how far I am in my own life from that step.  If I'm going to be brutally honest--I am not even sure I believe in marriage.  I want to.  I really want to.  But how do you know? I never thought anyone could be a better fit for me than J--I never had any idea anyone like him was out there--but months have gone by and our blissful, passionate romance has settled into a dynamic duo conquering shopping, homework, and moving furniture.  I miss the va va voom.  Can you ever keep the va va voom all the time? Or is settling down, really settling into a routine? They say you should marry your bestfriend--does that mean that the lust between two people cannot survive? 

I cringe when I think of young people, 24 year olds, getting married.  What is the rush? It also scares me to think that I am so young--am I so far off from the "goal" of being married? I can't imagine being someone's wife.   I can't imagine being so tied to another person.  I don't even know what I really want for myself, how can I make decisions that suit two people? I hate hearing people in such a rush to get married.  They treat it as the next step after graduating, and fortunately my mother has instilled in me that there are other goals to attain--like seeing the world, becoming successful, and pursuing my own passions.  

I have a book I want to write and I never have the time to sit and work on the next chapter.  One of the girls at work asked me when I was getting married, I replied "I'm busy!"  I just wonder--am I the exception or the rule? Sometimes I worry that I have such deep seated hesitation to any sort of lifelong commitment because I've never seen it be successful.  Kenny always tells me that he doesn't believe in marriage, I usually say nothing but sometimes I'll pull the optimistic card.  These days, as the wheels of the future are in motion and the horizon could hold a 'marriage' in the future...I am beginning to question all the things that have seemed to be guarantees.  Can two people, keep the sparks, even after marriage? What happens after the 'happily ever after' ? What happened to Cinderella? Was he really her Prince Charming? Or did he just begin to see her as another fixture in the house? Hm.

With Coffee, All is Possible!

It is 7:38 AM.  It is 7:38 AM! I am going to a spinning class from 8:15-9:15 and then coming home to shower to leave for work by 10:30 AM.  I am so happy that I am no longer working at 7am; instead I am working from 11AM-5PM and then going to class 6-10 PM.  I am very proud of myself for getting out of bed and going to the gym....I always feel less stressed when I am weight lifting or doing spinning classes regularly.  I'll be honest, I did not make it to the 5:45 AM spinning like I had originally set my alarm for...but we have to begin somewhere :)

I think if I write about my work outs, I will be more likely to keep up with them.  Although I am busy and tired, working out keeps me balanced and makes me feel like I am doing something that I want to do versus all the things I HAVE to do.  Vamos a ver.


Happy Thursday! I can't wait for Friday!!!!

Confessions of a Shopaholic..

So with my career path as a teacher, I sullenly left behind being able to buy whatever, whenever I wanted.  Spending $260 on jeans was usual, and now I cringe at the thought.  My shopping endeavors have taken me to Nordstrom Rack and TJ Maxx.  On the not so rare occasion I am at my shopping hubs, I stop in at the Ross adjacent to TJ Maxx.  This past weekend (I spent the entire day perusing racks of clothing--it's almost pathetic...no...it is pathetic) I stumbled upon a pair of Michael Kors pumps that were so fabulous...I spent 20 minutes trying to defend my possible purchase.  Finally, after mulling over the shoes and chewing my inner lip--I walked out of the store with nothing.  Something has happened to me, something crazy and unbelievable.  I have harnessed the inner shopaholic, for a more pragmatic (granted, still completely dangerous) buyer.  I think the shopaholic was more fun.

At the age of 24, I am turning into a grown up.  The kids at work gasp at hearing the age of 19--I didn't have the heart to tell them that I was 24..when did that become old? I still think of myself as the foolish and random 16 year old, prancing around Phoenix like an idiot.

Tonight I had my first summer session class--it's a research class.  In my time when I am supposed to be listening to boring lectures--I multi-task and am quite the corresponder.  In my 4 hours of class, I compose e-mails, check facebook, organize my notes, read ahead, and sometimes even gchat! All of these are huge accomplishments for me since every time I check my e-mail, I do it as if the devil himself is going to leap out of my computer and hit me upon entering the g-mail screen.  I'm constantly afraid I'm going to get stressful news in my e-mail--I hate being so connected.  

This morning I really contemplated knowingly leaving my cell phone behind; I couldn't bring myself to do it.  I just feel that people are way too connected; gossip is 10x worse than it ever was because it surrounds us at home with technological mediums.  It's an interesting how something can be so helpful with talking to my friends in other countries, but so detrimental to our society as a whole.  People can't get off their phones!

When I came home from Spain, I would leave my cell everywhere.  Granted, I am still not that much better.   I leave it around the house all the time, loving the excuse of 'losing' it temporarily.  I also have around 7 voicemails that go unchecked daily.  I hate checking my voicemail, I have a deep seated aversion to calling it to listen to messages I know were left without urgency.  Why can't I just call you back?

Anyway, I have to be at work at 7am tomorrow.  The new guy hasn't been cleared by administration and I get to cover his early morning shift and then be in class til 10 pm.  I promised myself that I wouldn't complain about my schedule so I am really doing my best to stick to it.

Also, you should know that I am back on my apple cider vinegar kick.  I couldn't work out last week because of my black lung/bubonic plague, and this week I can't bring myself to be at the gym at 5 AM and then head straight to work...I suppose even I know that might be TOO much.  I can work out on Friday, Saturday & Sunday.  That's a comforting thought anyhow.

I know this entry was awful and probably vapid, but I'm having a mindless moment.  You know?


Dulces suenos.