Lack of activity destroys the good condition of every human being, while
movement and methodical physical exercise save it and preserve it. -
Plato
Do you ever wonder why we fixate on our physique? Everyday we are bombarded by advertisements--the new way to be thin without doing anything. I pulled into the gym parking lot this morning, thinking about my spinning certification...the only thing that came to mind was "it's not my life right now." Spinning and fitness cannot be my life right now. Sometimes I wonder what it is all for--this obsession with being lean. For me, I think it makes me feel in control. I can control how my body looks and how far I can run. I thought about how tired I was and how I could be resting before a long day at work and school..I just wanted to know what was the point of it all? There is a difference between being healthy and than being as toned and as in shape as I like to be. Whenever I am stressed in life, the first words out of my mouth are something negative about my body. I have probably never been in better shape than I am now, and yet I still feel dissatisfied. I don't even have an "ideal" physique in mind, I have no idea what would make me feel 100% happy with my body..which leads me to believe it's something I am dealing with internally.
Today flew by--the kids are so entertaining, and draining, at the same time. Tomorrow is the Cabin Challenge--we came up with a chant using "You're a Jerk" by New Boyz. After work tomorrow, J is moving into his new apartment after months in his sewer--the last thing I feel like doing is moving furniture all weekend. I'm babysitting on Saturday and then helping him move the rest of the night (renting a truck to move the heavy pieces..woo haha) and then I need to work on homework for the week on Sunday. I just don't want my life to be so occupied that I don't have time for myself. I need time to just be lazy. Is anyone else like that? Where you could literally just sit on your couch for 3 hours watching HGTV and be thrilled to pieces? Tanning would be a dream...floating in the pool. Summer loses it's dreamy appeal when you're not on break from school--two weeks vacation in the real world is unacceptable.
This is completely random--but one of my friends just got engaged. I was so thrilled for her that I became teary eyed upon receiving the news. Days later, I find myself realizing how far I am in my own life from that step. If I'm going to be brutally honest--I am not even sure I believe in marriage. I want to. I really want to. But how do you know? I never thought anyone could be a better fit for me than J--I never had any idea anyone like him was out there--but months have gone by and our blissful, passionate romance has settled into a dynamic duo conquering shopping, homework, and moving furniture. I miss the va va voom. Can you ever keep the va va voom all the time? Or is settling down, really settling into a routine? They say you should marry your bestfriend--does that mean that the lust between two people cannot survive?
I cringe when I think of young people, 24 year olds, getting married. What is the rush? It also scares me to think that I am so young--am I so far off from the "goal" of being married? I can't imagine being someone's wife. I can't imagine being so tied to another person. I don't even know what I really want for myself, how can I make decisions that suit two people? I hate hearing people in such a rush to get married. They treat it as the next step after graduating, and fortunately my mother has instilled in me that there are other goals to attain--like seeing the world, becoming successful, and pursuing my own passions.
I have a book I want to write and I never have the time to sit and work on the next chapter. One of the girls at work asked me when I was getting married, I replied "I'm busy!" I just wonder--am I the exception or the rule? Sometimes I worry that I have such deep seated hesitation to any sort of lifelong commitment because I've never seen it be successful. Kenny always tells me that he doesn't believe in marriage, I usually say nothing but sometimes I'll pull the optimistic card. These days, as the wheels of the future are in motion and the horizon could hold a 'marriage' in the future...I am beginning to question all the things that have seemed to be guarantees. Can two people, keep the sparks, even after marriage? What happens after the 'happily ever after' ? What happened to Cinderella? Was he really her Prince Charming? Or did he just begin to see her as another fixture in the house? Hm.
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