The things you cannot change....

All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another. 

 I am missing Posadas today.  Not the geographical location, but the life led within the boundaries.  Posadas was a haven for me...a chance to clear my head, a place to re-evaluate who I was.  Leaving was the hardest thing I have ever done, because the life I had there was one of my own making.  A mirror was held up to me upon meeting new people and encountering taxing experiences--the reflection I saw back was someone strong, confident, and powerful.  Not in the cheesy, cliche sense--but the girl that left Spain was unafraid, uninhibited, comfortable in her skin, she was someone who knew solitude and appreciated it.  

I didn't start this journal to write about Spain--I received an e-mail from someone I had had a special bond with in Spain, a girl who reminded me what it was to be a genuine victim of life's unfairness.  I cannot tell you what happened to her, but what I can tell you is that you never know someone's story.  I wish more teachers, or people who work with youth, would take more time to really get to know kids.  Kids are amazing...they know more than you think.  Raven and I were getting viable dating advice from first graders...the biggest mistake you can make is to limit children to foolishness--children are perhaps the best people to get advice from...they re-state things in the most simplistic, obvious way.  Anyway, her letter made me cry.   I just hate being across the ocean, unable to be the person in her life to give her a hug and an option out.  I asked for her address and I'm going to compile a fun package to send her, it's not much but it think it will be something to put a smile on her face and let her know that even though 'm not there physically, I'm supporting her and I believe in her desire to become a teacher.  

I'm honestly a little mad at myself.  What I learned there was that I need to be more expressive of my feelings.  I'm not someone who will tell you day in and day out how much I love you and how much you mean to me, I expect it to be sensed, a quiet understanding.  I had tried to be more open with my feelings but sometimes I choke on the words I really want to say...as if I'm afraid my heart is too big.  I can't explain it to you..I don't know where that fear comes from.  It's strange to feel things so deeply, this incredible empathy, and then cry about the sadness that comes with that alone and not share these emotions.  

I will tell you this--I will make sure each of my students knows they are loved.   That's what kids need the most. 

Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate.
Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.
It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.
We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous?
Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God.
Your playing small does not serve the world.
There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
We are all meant to shine, as children do.
We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us.
It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone.
And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same.
As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
-- Marianne Williamson

Is it weird that I have hunger pains at 2:32 am?

I'll just say it.  I'm in a total... rut. I tried to think of a more exciting way to say it, but there really is none.  Rut.  Hello, Rut where I live. 

I'm in such a rut that I stayed in my pajamas all day long, more than 24 hours.  Pathetic.  Also, such a rut that I made a huge purchase at Victoria's Secret online store and I'm not even a little bit pleased or experiencing buyer's remorse.  Ew, ew, ew, ew, ew, rut go away! 

I realized today, laying in bed...in my pajamas...watching Friends re-runs...with the snoring dog...that I have nothing to look forward to lately.  Things are so predictable...I'm bored?  I'm so over myself. 

The worst part of this rut is that it is really, really bad.  I have no appetite, I can't sleep without Nyquil (tonight I have refrained...), I'm missing the zsa zsa zou, there's no hope of a promotion at my job, no way school will be finished until next December, I can't move out until I can work everyday...again, not until after December, I have no desire to do anything really.  What's wrong with me? Complacency...apathy...go away.  I also realized that I haven't even been listening to music lately.  I'm always up to date on new bands, new playlists, etc...and I'm not even doing that.  Like I said, I'm so over myself.

The only time I'm really happy is when I'm at work or at the gym.  Isn't that the opposite of most people?   I think it crushed my spirit a little when I see all the people around me moving up in the work place and I'm just stuck in neutral.  I feel like life is in neutral...with no possible excitement or surprises in the foreseeable future.  

I know that i'm the only person who can change things...so I guess that's just what I need to do.  Oddly, I'm thinking about joining the rock climbing gym.  Where that comes from, I have no idea..I just feel so blah about myself and everything else in general.  Rut...go away! 

Tomorrow I am vowing to go to Spinning...so i'll be waking up in 5 hours.  Ew.  And also, I'm seeing the Lovely Bones.  Then...I work at 7:15 am on Monday.  It'll be a really long day so I hope that I can get my sleep schedule back on track..sans nyquil. 

Gratitude.

Sometimes I feel like life has taken such a different direction than I had planned or wished for...I get so frustrated, feeling as if I'm stuck in neutral.  It also occurred to me today at work that I'm very blessed.

Today I went into work with a clear mission in mind--Mission Reorganization.  The Teens' room is really haphazard because they are building a new teen center next year and thus...the current room falls by the wayside.  However, I decided there were a few things we could do to spruce up the decor---tablecloths, center pieces, picture area, two lounge areas, and of course...my febreze addiction.  I'm really hoping to get things going ASAP.  This is when it is hard for me to stay in neutral...the moment I decide I want something done...it needs to get done, this is problematic 99% of the time.  I wish the world operated on my time table...not the other way around.

Unfortunately, the Games Room staff is still gone and won't return until Monday..thus I had to leave my Teens Room project and continue my role as ultimate game time coordinator.  This means, I must excel at Four Square, mediate all tantrums, hug away wounds, scold misbehavior, and referee like a professional.  I really respect how talented all the staff are in their specific area...you really have to be a child at heart to get your hands dirty playing these games like sharks/minnows, ghosts in the grave yard, four square, and duck duck goose.  Believe me, I have no problem learning as I go.  Today was Staff vs. Members, so I decided my "talent" would be at Air Hockey.  I only lost 2 games out of 30...2 1/2 hours of straight Air Hockey and my shoulder is killing me..but I can only laugh.    I really love my job and I can't wait for Spanish Club to start again on the 21st--it's fun to interact with the other kids outside of the teen area; there is a definitive difference between the warmth of 1-4th graders and 6th +...they just want a big hug and your attention--I'm more than willing to give them that and more.

I also started thinking about where I am at currently versus last January.  Although I was in Spain...my personal life was far from where it is today.  I feel so blessed to have such solid people in my life.  Although sometimes I wish I was financially independent, I'm very lucky and grateful that my Mom can support me financially and mentally as I go through graduate school...that gratitude I may never be able to fully vocalize.  Also, Jamie has really been my flotation device since I've been home--she's an amazing friend--we have a bond that is difficult to articulate, we just get it--this knowing look thing.

Jason is...monumental.  I've never met someone who made me want to be so much better.  Not in an altering my character sort of way--but in a --I want to make his day that much better.  I think of things that I could be doing for him, that I should be, even the smallest of things like surprising him with a bottle of wine and massage after a long day.   He makes me want to be the best version of myself..although that isn't always the easiest road to take.

I know that things aren't exactly "perfect," or maybe they aren't "ideal" but it is really, truly, good.  I'm at a job where I think more about other people than myself (which is a very humbling and necessary experience) and in a situation that causes me to take a step back and look at the bigger picture.  I'm a work in progress...and the journey has been pretty amazing.

At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person.

Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.

Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn't learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn't learn a little, at least we didn't get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn't die; so, let us all be thankful.

Happiness cannot be traveled to, owned, earned, worn or consumed. Happiness is the spiritual experience of living every minute with love, grace and gratitude.

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more. It turns denial into acceptance, chaos into order, confusion into clarity.... It turns problems into gifts, failures into success, the unexpected into perfect timing, and mistakes into important events. Gratitude makes sense of our past, brings peace for today and creates a vision for tomorrow.

The deepest craving of human nature is the need to be appreciated.

2010 is here!

Happy New Year!

Jason and I went to Denver to visit Piglet--a great trip, full of laughter and adventures.  It was my first "adult" trip, this is a secret confession; but i've always dreamt of going on a trip with my "manfriend" and staying in a hotel and visiting friends or a new place.   I'm 23 years old, very in love, and very happy with the direction my life is headed.  I'm counting my blessings and focusing inward to work on the things that I want to leave behind in 2009.

I think it is hard for us to admit our faults; in certain circumstances, people serve as a mirror that reflects our deficiencies.   This will sound so strange, but sometimes I see a glimpse of myself in the little kids at work...unfortunately, this is usually when they are being bossy and wanting everyone to conform to what they would like.  In lecturing them (and being lectured by my own mother) it has come to my attention that I think that I know best...that I my way is the best way...ew, right?

Secondly, I realize that I am not as patient as I could be with other people--I expect perfection from those around me..particularly in friendship.   I need to sigh, let it go, and move on.  I have learned this year that some friendships are passing; people change, and not always for the best.  I think I am ready to move forward, but in doing so I feel a twang of guilt.  I don't feel that friendship should always be about one person...I think it is a genuine interest in the happenings of another and their well being...not an ear for your superficial problems.  I just can't believe that is the way to sustain a real friendship.  I'm learning as I go...and as I let go.

P.S: My goal of this Spring is to get my spinning instructor certification....an exciting decision :)