When we remember we are all mad, the mysteries disappear and life stands explained. ~Mark Twain
I think we all spend a lot of time trying to understand eachother, make sense of eachother. I do it often, especially in my writing. I think about character motivations, these carnations in the bouquet of life. But maybe, the underlying joke, has been that we cannot rationalize irrationality. "We are all mad." Don't you think? Sometimes I say things and do things and just cringe in embarrassment or scrunch my nose in regret. Is it possible, life is a series of divine accidents..a series of awkward moments? If that's true, do we just crash in and out of one another's lives? Take a minute and think about the people have influenced you, shaped you in some respect--more than likely you don't talk to those teachers or random larger than life personas. I'm thinking some people are in our lives for a time to teach us something, give us something to take with us.
Maybe it was Spain, maybe it was my being an absent minded professor, but I have not thought about my future income once. I never mentally calculated how much money I would make as a teacher, or wouldn't make, it didn't matter. It didn't and it doesn't. What I learned is that being content is much more important, if you do a job you hate for the rest of your life just to earn money--I worry about your insides, your guts. We all probably could have guessed that personal fulfillment came first for me before compensation when I changed my major to Literature. I decided to feed my mind instead of career path security. I hope you do what you love, rather, I hope you are lucky enough to find and do what you love. This is your life--what are you going to do with it?
I have my first interview tomorrow, as a Spanish teacher. I am also going to a meeting at ASU to talk about my Masters. I'm not nervous, somehow. Antonio keeps telling me, "You will not sleep tonight. I am sure." But I just shrugged, pausing while looking up at the stars and the outline of the trees against the sky--nervousness was nowhere to be found. I just felt..certain..eventually I will find my niche and end up where I am supposed to. When I had to come home from Spain in the fall, I felt like my life was stuck in first gear, little did I know that it would completely alter my experience and the people I would meet. Fortunately, I ended up teaching highschool and discovering where I really belonged. I now say "Everything happens for a reason" backed up by belief. I read Alexander Pope a few years ago, and one of his last lines is "Whatever is, is right." Think about it. I think when we are at a crossroads in our lives, we hesitate--worrying about ramifications. Sometimes in the midst of fear or sadness, we ask how we ended up here. I've thought it many times in the past, worrying..worrying..worrying. Like a book, is everything building off the preceding events to finally finish at the happy ending?
I'll admit this though, I prefer to be in control of my life. I realized recently, when I set my mind to something, when I want something, I have to get it. Maybe to a fault. I'm so stubborn, maybe so disillusioned that I refuse to even contemplate something not working out. Bull in a China shop. Flaw or Attribute? Maybe both.
My friends are all on their own life paths, some moving at a slower pace, others sprinting ahead with their finish line in sight. Some are taking a detour, others are stopping to smell the roses along the road. And me? I'm walking dreamily, having faith I'll find my way.
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