On Change.

There are so many quotes regarding relationships, questioning the ability of people to change.
“You can’t change a man.”
“Some people never change.”
“You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.”

But, as a former skeptic, I’ve converted into a pseudo-believer. We have a tendency to freeze a memory of people we know--holding it to be the truth. People I knew 10 years ago, I still imagine to be the same, with the same characteristics, same drawbacks. Then I meet them, the person they are now. I think that’s one of the downfalls of relationships that start when we are young. Not all of us, but some of us change. Or rather, life changes us.
I think part of my naivete diminished when I lost my first loved one--something about death coming to your doorstep, alters you. To know that level of loss exists, modifies your outlook on relationships and life. Likewise, when you get your first tastes of independence, betrayal or heartbreak. I asked before whether it was possible to get the wisdom without making the mistakes--but I think it’s not always necessarily in the lessons, it’s in the experiences themselves. It’s the feelings that accompany the tribulations, getting a taste of something you love or loathe.
Example, I’m single--but I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time. I’d even argue, I’m not single--I’m untroubled. I’m taking timeout, being alone is easier--making decisions in my best interest and not in the interest of two. There comes a time in your life, where you just need to be first. I’ve been a perpetual dater since 15. I think the longest I had been single in my life was a week, it sounds crazy but I was the Queen of Back-Up dating. Kenny questioned this turnaround, a believer in the no-change character policy, but I thought for a minute and then said..”It’s not that I’ve changed, It’s that I’ve grown up.” Maybe people don’t change overnight, but I’ve got to believe we learn from our mistakes, learn about ourselves, and become better. We take what wasn’t working before and fix it.
I was talking with Eli about life, and I shared with her something my mom told me a few months ago, “It’s one of the important lessons in life--to learn the difference between solitude and loneliness. There will be times in your life where you just need to be alone, whatever the reasons may be. Independence and strength, you find them in solitude.” Six months ago, I wouldn’t have understood it. Now, It’s the reality of things.
It’s interesting--Arizona is the beginning, Spain is middle, and then the original beginning becomes the ending. To go back to the same place, same people, same things..but not be the same person. I confided in Eli about this secret fear I’ve been harboring--what if, going home, means going back to old habits? I worry that being away from the presence of my Dad allowed me to be free of that weight, in closer proximity, will I feel it? The wiser part of me says no..it’s not the physical distance, it’s the emotional distance I’ve established that makes the real difference. I hope someday I can forgive my father, but I think that will take some more understanding--that, I haven’t been able to manage yet. The one thing I will say is that I left on unsure footing, but go back with a steadier step--and that’s comforting for now.


Later that night...

I miss air conditioning. I can’t sleep, the temperature in my bedroom is too uncomfortable. Bats are circling my window. The silver lining of the heat induced insomnia is that I can see the stars clearly--the sky is a deep midnight blue dotted with glistening silver specks. I tried to mentally memorize it. It’s so late that even the mesoncito is quiet..the only sound is the occasional passing of a train. I’ve never left my blinds open at night--it’s a strange thing to see, these bats whirring by at high speed. I slid the door that goes out onto my balcony shut, just to ensure no bats fly into my bedroom--that would be total chaos.
I hate not being able to sleep. At a certain hour in the night, you just have to accept that you won’t be sleeping. I tried to be productive, doing crunches and seeing how many push ups I could do. I read my Andalucia guide book and decided to go to the Medina on Sunday morning. I just realized I need to double check the train times on Sunday, to make sure I can get there by 10:30 am. Luckily, as it is ungodly late I have plenty of time to get up and check it.