On my mind tonight..

Catachresis: use of the wrong word for the context, 2: use of a forced and especially paradoxical figure of speech.
*Because the word “Journal” itself derives from a word meaning “day,” Mrs. James was of the opinion that the phrase “daily journal” is a catachresis.


When I think of today I bite my lip and scrunch my nose. Tough day? I eventually surrendered and went to the grocery store because I needed to move, to get out. I would have preferred to go running--to sort through some of these worries/feelings, but of course my feet are blistered from my 8 mile walk through the country in leather ballet flats. ( in short, went and visited Claire, wore the wrong shoes on an 8 mile walk to celebrate the Moon Virgin. We both realized how strange our lives are---had a great time--more on that later).

So here it is, I have a student that I just started tutoring. We kind of bonded from our first meeting, kindred spirits maybe. Tonight we were playing a board game from my teaching book where you roll the dice and answer the question “Tell me about..” and the questions vary from “your most important possession” to “what you worry about” and when it came to the last question she said she worries about her security. We started talking and it ends up her parents are divorced and her life has been very difficult. Perhaps I have found that the silver lining of my problematic relationship with my Dad is that I could actually tell her “I understand” what you are going through. Her home life is.. horrific, and her mother is like my father in the fact they should never have decided to become parents. We had a real conversation that only two people could have who know what it’s like to feel unloved by a parent. I want to teach her all the lessons I had to learn the hard way. I told her what my mother told me recently, “Your friends become your family.” She does not like being at home, it's onerous and stressful. So, she is going to come over on Thursday and we are going to make dinner and watch a movie in Spanish. I told her I would help her study for her English exam on Friday. In short, I’ve adopted her.

I just hate sitting here powerless. I want to take all her pain and worries away--make her believe that it will get easier. The most frustrating part is not being able to speak perfect Spanish, have all the perfect words to say. More importantly, I want to take care of her. Make sure she always has the support and love that she needs. I would like to find a guardian angel for her. In place of words of reassurance I gave her a big hug--I think the language barrier is going to force me to be more of a hugger.

Another thing I have been thinking a lot about lately is my distance from people. Not physical distance in Spain, but at home--in my regular life. I never wear my heart on my sleeve. I try and smooth over any tribulations I may be having, immediately, before they show on my face. Maybe that’s not right either. I think I’m too hard on myself, I think we are all too hard on ourselves. Why is it that I love to be there for my friends, talk to them when they are having a bad day or moment--but I don’t want to let myself be upset or angry? In brutal honesty--I even put Bella before myself. I take care of Bella and fuss over her so I don’t have to deal with my own stress. Being here, away from a small dog to worry about, I find myself starting to take care of myself..work through things--trying to improve myself. The fundamental problem for me is my inability to express emotions-- I feel so vulnerable when I talk about how I’m “feeling.” I’ve definitely ruined more than a couple relationships by not being able to communicate my “feelings.” I guess I have been thinking about the words that have gone unsaid. In the beginning here, I couldn't bring myself to call someone and say “This is really hard--i’m having a hard time.” I’m emotionally stunted. I guess it’s not totally my fault---as amazing as my family is, my mom can be a complete ice queen and my father is emotionally retarded. I don’t think he has emotions.

I have never heard the words “I love you” from my father. When I really talk about my life, my sadness, or my frustration--I roll over it quickly and brush it off. I talk about the haphazard/disappointing relationship with my father in a blase, indifferent, tone of voice. Why can I write the words with emotion..but not say them? Am I destined to be devoid of vocalizing real emotions for my entire life? I have heard and repeated "If you can't change it, change your attitude. Accept it and move on." Harsh? Or Realistic? Whenever we are confused about relationships or life in general, we are so quick to try and be Confucius instead of simply confused. Are there some things in life that just suck and will be stay that way no matter how many wise sayings we throw at them?

Here is a loaded question: I want a happily ever after, but am I ever going to be emotionally available enough to get it? Like I said, I have a lot on my mind. I’m sitting in my newly rearranged bedroom contemplating how to reorganize my emotional makeup. How to fix all these broken parts.




Loneliness, insomnia, and change: the fear of these is even worse than the reality.

You can't wring your hands and roll up your sleeves at the same time.

We can easily manage if we will only take, each day, the burden appointed to it. But the load will be too heavy for us if we carry yesterday's burden over again today, and then add the burden of the morrow before we are required to bear it. ~John Newton

It is the little bits of things that fret and worry us; we can dodge a elephant, but we can't dodge a fly

Some of your hurts you have cured,
And the sharpest you still have survived,
But what torments of grief you endured
From the evil which never arrived.
~Ralph Waldo Emerson


When I really worry about something, I don't just fool around. I even have to go to the bathroom when I worry about something. Only, I don't go. I'm too worried to go. I don't want to interrupt my worrying to go. ~J.D. Salinger, Catcher in the Rye