Remember when I said i've never been sicker?

WHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHY

As nervous as I was to be in Spain, I was so excited to walk around the city and see all the beauty that is Sevilla. It is more beautiful than I could have ever imagined, i feel like i'm in a fairytale land


These are some pictures from our walk to the Plaza de Espana and the Plaza itself..it is gorgeous gorgeous gorgeous.



My favorite place so far of all is The Cathedral, it is so gorgeous at night time, it is something I will never forget. I found it by accident, walking to dinner with a couple of the girls to Las Coloniales for tapas (we had roquefort and blackberries, fried potatoes in a cholula sauce, bacon/cheese wrapped up in chicken in almond sauce, and eggplant ..yuck

Currently i'm up in my room at the hotel hesperia--so fatigued and debilitated.

The room is nice, this is a picture of it..it's funny that the bed is actually 2 beds, but they have them right up next to eachother, it's okay because Claire and I do not move in our sleep. Spaniards think Americans waste too much space.

My program director took me to the doctor today after I opted to not follow through with the emergency room because it cost 150 euros upfront. With all the expenses with moving to a new city i just didn't feel comfortable paying emergency fees unless I was on my death bed.

The doctor was great, however the asshole Neurologist i met with on wednesday was completely wrong--my Doctor did not speak any english. Luckily Nancy is from Spain so she speaks perfect english and spanish and could explain the things I did not know how to say. It's funny how the commotion of moving here kept me from feeling how weak I was--everyone brushed me off as stressed, etc. I hate that about people. I just get exhausted moving around, I hope i just have a bad virus versus mono. I don't know what i'm going to do, it's okay being here for now..shitty being in my hotel room but i'm looking at the sunshine outside and trees. I just want to get better soon, this would be very difficult if i was in Villanueva de Cordoba by myself, not having someone to help me communicate and get the medicine I need. I have to go to the Pharmacy across the street to pick up the medicine for my body aches, medicine is very different here, the pharmacy gives you advil, etc...like you don't pick it out for yourself as we do in the states they do it for you here. Anyways, i'm just listening to Dave Matthews "crash"...makes me so relaxed. I added it to my playlist, so you can listen to it too :)

Oh, on a different note..the food here is drastically different. In the morning, you just have a piece of toast for breakfast with cafe con leche. The coffee is so delicious, Amy you would die and go to heaven. I also thought of something..you know how you always eat sourdough bread for breakfast? I think it is a European thing..because that's all they give me..with lots of butter and jam. Interesting. Anyways, i thought of you.

Yesterday I tried to get lunch between 2-5 which is when things shut down (and i mean everywhere closes..it sucks when you are hungry) but i found a bar that was serving tapas and attempted to be bold, starvation got the best of me. I tried the Chorizo for protein..but it's more like salami than the Chorizo i love in Mexico. I also had espinaca y garbanzo..which is just spinach in olive oil..hmm no comment..and then i had some french bread with a piece of parmesan ontop of it. All 3 only cost me 6 euros. I had a hard time understanding the main waiter..but the other man was from Ecuador and I could understand him very well, I told him that I could understand his spanish much easier. It made me happy to know that it's not just my spanish but more their accent.

lol also, when i was getting my blood drawn this morning, I was very lightheaded--the doctor said I had low blood pressure from being so sick, and Nancy (the CIEE lady) was trying to talk to me to keep me from passing out while they tried to find veins ...insert eeeeew here--she asked me what I would like to eat if i was in America..I said a HUGE wildcat burger from Trident with onion rings and ranch. I hate jamon mmm...on that note..i'm going to put on a movie and sleep some more.

Missing you

Above Indianapolis..it hit me.

I keep trying not to cry.  It's like sorting through this huge pile--so many different emotions to pick from.  I'm not quite sure where to start. 

It isn't one emotion in particular, I feel kind of like a foreigner in my own body. My head cannot wrap around the fact that i'm in en route to Spain. 

One emotion is: selfish. 

I think guilt has been on my shoulders and a little bit of shame.  The worst part is feeling i'm needed and i'm sitting here crossing the ocean. I know grief is an individual thing, or atleast that's what people tell you, but when it comes to the one you love struggling you want to be there to take their pain away, or atleast ease it.  Help them breathe again. It's hard to explain, I feel like i'm the ultimate absorber of other people's pain.  I can never feel fine when my friends and family aren't fine.  I make their emotions mine.  That's probably not good either..but i've been like that since I was a little girl..worrying about the worm on the fishook.  

So at this moment, I don't know where i'm at--change is happening as I type and there is no going back.I feel like i'm about to break but I don't want to.  Something just feels off, I feel like I don't know myself right now, like i've been running around so much that i haven't had time to sit and figure out how i'm doing. I feel like shit, my eyes even ache. Mimi told me to expect to cry everynight..but I can't cry myself to sleep in misery, wallowing in loneliness, I have to pretend to be controlled, rational, strong. If not for everyone else than for me, faking it with myself.  Are people really emotionally dense enough to be really thrilled to leave their friends and family? I feel like you're supposed to be excited to see new places..but that's not the only side of the coin, maybe for people escaping.  When I signed up for my program maybe I was escaping.  But I love my life,  and I miss it already.  

This week has been crazy.  I had some kind of seizure on Sunday and had to pseudo admit that i'm not fine.  I've lost 10lbs, been sicker than ever before it happened, and i've never been more devastated in my life. Why did this have to happen now?

 I also thought about my father. I was looking at a map, and my dad goes to the Ukraine a lot--and I saw it is actually kind of close to where I am--could we be on the same continent and not even know it? I say tragic and truly mean it. Somehow leaving while being left eases the pain.  This "i'll show you" attitude resurfaces, in dark moments, like the pain you caused me will not break me.  I can be strong, independent, and smart.  I can survive anything.

Random aside, 

Discussed my journey with a nosy/chatty kathyish man sitting next ot me and he said he could feel the anxiety coming off of me, even though i was putting on a strong front.  A complete stranger read me in 5 minutes.  He asked me 'What's your number one concern?" and I replied "feeling disconnected from the people I love"

I try and be in control of myself all the time, and the things around me in my immediate vicinity (cleaning, organization) because it makes me feel calm/secure.   

I know you're supposed to be excited to travel.  But it's not human to feel only one emotion, leaving home imbibes great stress, great loss, and significant, un-fathomable change.  The rug has been pulled out from underneath for 3 months and months to come..and i'm still playing catch-up.

I love you guys.  

Mandy and I are the airport

        

So we're just waiting in the phoenix airport to take off, went through security without having to pay fees for my bags (insert happy dance here) and managed to take a medium/small backpack and a tote stuffed to the brim.  

And i brought my blanket..i'll be honest.

I'm excited I just talked to Mimi and she said she said she's been using skype to call mobiles and put $20 on it and still has $13 left after an entire month .  That's really good news after I got ripped off on my calling card. "if it seems too good to be true, it probably is" the alleged 6 cents/minute ended up being 97 cents/minute. That may not seem like much but it'll add up painfully fast.  

I also got to video chat with Austin, I felt like I was there seeing Bella, Max, and Dave (who mooned me. Next time i'm saving the picture for blackmail

.) 

It's definitely alot easier not being by myself, so i'm really lucky that Mandy and I are going together.  This could've been tragic if I would have had to delay my trip because of the medical shenanigans, but i'll explain that later..too tiring at the moment.  I haven't slept at all in the past week and it shows, beauty sleep exists and I believe in it now.  I still feel connected so the feeling of being overwhelmed hasn 't fully me hit me..austin was so supportive/encouraging this morning when I called him crying as I finished up my carry on bags.

 My mom and brother were really calm and didn't get emotional..that helped me alot too.  Troy is hopefully coming to visit in October when he has a week off and sporadically throughout my trip and my mom is coming for thanksgiving.  I want her to bring potato salad for me.  I'm going to miss my mom's cooking.

But anyways, our flight to philadelphia is delayed and it's about 4hrs 41 minutes and then our flight to portugal is 7hrs...soooo long.  We'll see how we survive.