Above Indianapolis..it hit me.

I keep trying not to cry.  It's like sorting through this huge pile--so many different emotions to pick from.  I'm not quite sure where to start. 

It isn't one emotion in particular, I feel kind of like a foreigner in my own body. My head cannot wrap around the fact that i'm in en route to Spain. 

One emotion is: selfish. 

I think guilt has been on my shoulders and a little bit of shame.  The worst part is feeling i'm needed and i'm sitting here crossing the ocean. I know grief is an individual thing, or atleast that's what people tell you, but when it comes to the one you love struggling you want to be there to take their pain away, or atleast ease it.  Help them breathe again. It's hard to explain, I feel like i'm the ultimate absorber of other people's pain.  I can never feel fine when my friends and family aren't fine.  I make their emotions mine.  That's probably not good either..but i've been like that since I was a little girl..worrying about the worm on the fishook.  

So at this moment, I don't know where i'm at--change is happening as I type and there is no going back.I feel like i'm about to break but I don't want to.  Something just feels off, I feel like I don't know myself right now, like i've been running around so much that i haven't had time to sit and figure out how i'm doing. I feel like shit, my eyes even ache. Mimi told me to expect to cry everynight..but I can't cry myself to sleep in misery, wallowing in loneliness, I have to pretend to be controlled, rational, strong. If not for everyone else than for me, faking it with myself.  Are people really emotionally dense enough to be really thrilled to leave their friends and family? I feel like you're supposed to be excited to see new places..but that's not the only side of the coin, maybe for people escaping.  When I signed up for my program maybe I was escaping.  But I love my life,  and I miss it already.  

This week has been crazy.  I had some kind of seizure on Sunday and had to pseudo admit that i'm not fine.  I've lost 10lbs, been sicker than ever before it happened, and i've never been more devastated in my life. Why did this have to happen now?

 I also thought about my father. I was looking at a map, and my dad goes to the Ukraine a lot--and I saw it is actually kind of close to where I am--could we be on the same continent and not even know it? I say tragic and truly mean it. Somehow leaving while being left eases the pain.  This "i'll show you" attitude resurfaces, in dark moments, like the pain you caused me will not break me.  I can be strong, independent, and smart.  I can survive anything.

Random aside, 

Discussed my journey with a nosy/chatty kathyish man sitting next ot me and he said he could feel the anxiety coming off of me, even though i was putting on a strong front.  A complete stranger read me in 5 minutes.  He asked me 'What's your number one concern?" and I replied "feeling disconnected from the people I love"

I try and be in control of myself all the time, and the things around me in my immediate vicinity (cleaning, organization) because it makes me feel calm/secure.   

I know you're supposed to be excited to travel.  But it's not human to feel only one emotion, leaving home imbibes great stress, great loss, and significant, un-fathomable change.  The rug has been pulled out from underneath for 3 months and months to come..and i'm still playing catch-up.

I love you guys.