This weekend has not only been a milestone in my life, but a milestone in my personal life--I am much more aware of the rampant douchebaggery all around me, specifically tucson.
So what constitutes a douchebag? The term is used so loosely, but i'm going to employ a checklist that defines acts of douchebaggery...just in case you yourself might be a douchebag..or you mistakingly hang out with a douchebag.
Random of acts of rampant douchebaggery:
1. If you defend yourself by claiming "I feel like an asshole" --you are probably a douchebag.
2. If wearing Ed Hardy makes you feel good about yourself. douchebag
3. If a girl is unable to put sentences together, do not try and take her home--it'll be awkward for both of you.
No one wants to get it on with a drooling zombie. Also, it's happened to one of my guy friends--details changed, she threw up in his bed..took his sheets with her..and he never saw them again and slept on a comforter for 3 months.
4. If you have sent various text messages/and or stalker phone calls and have received no reply..SHOCKER..i'm not interested (more than likely because you are douchebag)
. If you are still trying to get with your ex while currently with the rebound..this is high level douchebaggery.
6. If you go to the gym in high socks and vans..you are an out of control douchebag.
7. If you expect a girl to ask you out--this is RIDICULOUS. If you are not capable of courting a girl properly then we have no business dating and you are a douchebag.
8. Any phone calls after 10pm on the weekend are more than likely going to be embarrassing--so please refrain, because you look like a douchebag.
9. If you are out to dinner with a girl --during a date--and you ask her how she wants to split the check--you are cheap, and therefore a douchebag.
10. If you leave a girl behind at a bar, circa 2am without making sure she has a ride home--douchebag major.
11. If you find yourself in a party situation, trying to impress a girl by doing as many keg stands, beer bongs, or multiple hits of weed--this is rather disgusting. Warning, this will also lead you to have beer goggles and talk to the slutty girls..therefore making you a douchebag.
12. Expecting a girl to pay for beer at a party--cheap douchebag.
13. It is probably not a good idea to hit on a girl infront of my friends..this will get back to whomever--it's tucson, and you will look like a douchebag.
14. If a girl is kind enough to take you home in a cab and drop you off on their way, make sure you pay--otherwise once again, it is a case of cheap douchebaggery.
15. It is not appealing to invite a girl over AFTER the bars have closed when you have not even seen eachother all night. No girl with an inch of class will be wooed by this sad attempt. Try the drunk girl with her ass hanging out. Slutty douchebaggery.
16. If when at the bars, you find yourself desperate for a drink, do not think that i will be attracted to you if you push me out of the way to order first. This goes for any guy, even if we do not even know eachother. It's rude douchebaggery.
17. Honesty is always the best policy, if you plan on being a douchebag anytime in the near future--do us a favor and let us know. No hard feelings. Considerate douchebaggery.
18. When breaking up with a girl, control yourself, it is not a good idea to tell her "Not to eat too much icecream"--get over yourself, you rampant douchebag
19. Please do not feel compelled to hit on a girl when you can barely put sentences together, i will see you next weekend and laugh at you. awkward douchebag.
20. Please never approach my friends by asking "Would you ever date a guy living in a tent" (note, he emphasized it had AMENITIES) and then continue to critique her by calling her shallow. This is not made up, it really happened.
21. If we have not had an official date, and for the nimrods this is either dinner or a movie, please do not invite me over to your house--it is awkward and looks shady. shady douchebaggery.
22. If it's the first date, even in college, you should drive. or atleast offer, that earns points too.
23. "You have the most beautiful eyes" ..(and my marriage isn't going well) is a very cliche pick up line, overly used specifically at Championship bar--please be more creative otherwise you will be lumped with the typical douchebag.
24. Hiding that you are married. it happens. mainly baseball players. look out for spring training.
in addendum: your team status does not impress me, espn is not commonplace in my vocabulary--but douchebag is. athletic douchebag.
25. I'm reiterating..refusing to drive a girl home no matter how far she lives is messed up and VERY VERY douchebaggish. And don't act like you don't know what i'm talking about..how many times have you and your guy friends piled in a cab and left girls standing on the street who were waiting--meatrack is prime for this.
26. If you are dating/talking to a girl and hit on her friends, you are a douchebag. But take note, after many lunch discussions over the last four years--if you let a girls friends hit on you. this too is conceived as total douchebaggery.
27. Don't ever orange fake tan if you are a guy, this isn't miami beach and it's awkward when you walk around like muscle beach--i cannot distinguish between your neck and shoulders...and you look like an inflated bird
28. Do not make your eyebrows look like mine, girls and boys have different features for a reason.
29. If you like shopping more than I do, you need a bestfriend not a girlfriend.
30. Do not EVER ask a girl, "are you really going to eat that?"
31. If you are trying to hit on me, do not ask me if my jeans are "true religions or sevens" --that is so awkward..and you might want to rethink your sexuality. just maybe. metro douchebaggery
32. Watch your mouth, listening to a spew of swear words is not appealing and it makes you look like an idiot who doesn't know how to construct an effective thought. Idiot douchebaggery
33. Popped collar under any circumstances is unacceptable. Pompous douchebaggery.
34. If you are circa 60 years old, do not talk to me--it makes me very uncomfortable and i'd rather buy you a lifealert.
35. Two things when it comes to cell phone etiquette:
1. DO not be talking/texting while we are on a date..i know you want to look popular but girls deserve your undivided attention.
2. Do not talk to other people while on the phone with a girl, call me back.
36. Shades at night? Awkward and creepy douchebaggery
So i know this is random, but so is douchebaggery--it can be completely unexpected and creep up on you at random times...places..or situations. Look out for rampant douchebaggery..it's everywhere. Just do me a favor, if anything on this lists applies to you--live and let live, atleast we can say we tried.
Feel free to add your own addendums of rampant douchebaggery.
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