It’s a popular question these days, how I got where I am. I would like to say it all started with a looming life milestone known as college graduation. But that might be a lie. It might just be America. We grow up always looking towards the next monumental life change, never really allowing ourselves to be content.
So back to that question, it’s a tough one. So when I say I’m not really sure what I’m doing, I mean it. I hate change but I’m moving to a foriegn country. Mark Twain echoes in my mind, “Explore. Dream. Discover.” But somehow I don’t really embody anything remotely like Mark Twain’s quote. I love routine, I pride myself on being grounded...my own quirky version of being rational, and I would rather have my life on a pseudo itinerary.
I’m currently on a plane returning back to my usual spot..stuck between a rock and a hard place. Why? Well, the Rolling Stones lied when they crooned “time is on my side” because time is definitely not on my side. I don’t know what I was thinking or if I was really even thinking all when I signed up to move to Spain. I have always admired the laidback people of this world--the patient end of the line people. Let me clarify, you know when you are standing in line at Starbucks all rushed and disheveled, tapping your foot and looking around as if the answer to the line hold-up is about to walk in the door? Don’t be embarrassed, I’m one of them too. But what you probably don’t notice is the guy whistling to himself, smiling dumbly, unaware of the disillusioned time constraints the rest of us have put on ourselves.
It occurred to me that I might not fit in, in Spain when I received one of my first “official” emails from my program stating that we need to stop e-mailing so enthusiastically because Spain moves at a slower pace, and we are all eventually going to have to acclimate to the pace of the Consulate. Isn’t it the other way around? The government is always hounding us for one thing or another? Well...apparently in Spain--days off are common.
I can’t say that I’ve never dabbled in this illustrious “laidback” life style, I caught a glimpse when my family was living in Santa Fe, New Mexico. The Land of Manana. Life in this twilight zone is summed up with a job interview I had..”Do you often not show up to work when it is Sunny outside?” --what kind of question is that? I hardly notice what the weather is, and in Arizona it’s generally just hot. I replied “Absolutely not” --it had never occurred to me that some people get paychecks to live and not live to get a paycheck. Mind boggling, isn’t it?
It’s unfair of me to throw around this profound laidback insight because I don’t have it. I was exposed to it. I still rush myself for no apparent reason, and stand impatiently in line at Starbucks. Ironic, I’m waiting to get a caffeine boost that will more than likely produce more anxiety and more rushing. Like I said, I live between a rock and a hard place.
Lately I have been thinking of myself as a victim in this whole Spain adventure. I couldn’t tell you why--other than when it really comes down to it I’m not sure I ever wanted a real change. Change happened. I couldn’t stop graduation--my mom would have killed me. So instead of ending my life..I ended my safe haven of college. I successfully graduated in four years with a degree in English literature. People have always pestered me with ideas about a career, my favorite accusation was “So what, are you going to be a teacher?” Somehow I found that offensive. Offensive because my degree would be in education. But instead, I opted to be an intellectual. English majors like to think of themselves as intellectually superior to other humdrum majors like business or economics. We think, we ponder, we write. We do alot of nothing in the business sense. So here I am, moving to Spain to teach English. Ironic.
So officially, this is the countdown to my journey to Spain. Maybe continually writing my fears and worries will get old to the point where I throw caution to the wind and “Explore. Dream. Discover” (it’s my new mantra...and will be repeated numerous times in this epic adventure. It’s my plan.) But anyways, the epic adventure starts September 26th and ends June 2nd. I dismiss it as a semester abroad. I do that because I don’t want to miss anything happening here. I want everyone and everything to stay in the same routine while I’m gone. It’s a sort of experiment. It’s like tracking my soon to be mental breakdown...or maybe success in radical change.
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