The latest from my imagination

"Throwing pennies in a fountain"


The illuminated black pavement rolled underneath her car as she shifted into fourth gear, the wipers worked to no avail as the raindrops pelted the windshield. Turn green, turn green! She slammed on the brakes as her car jilted to a stop followed by an unsettled groan. The red light appeared smeared through the window, squinting she attempted to read the street sign, Where the hell am I? There were no other cars on the road, the emptiness of the streets created an eerie feeling that was followed by the goose bumps prickling on her pale neck and arms. Closing her eyes, she took a deep breath—1:30 in the morning.

According to her mother this was when all the crazy rapists, drug addicts and loonies were about, but still early enough before the drunks were on the road. She laughed to herself If only she knew that I was comforting myself with her ridiculous warnings about safe driving etiquette. She propped her head up on her elbow and looked out the window biting her lip. Sometimes we search for answers by looking outside instead of looking within ourselves.

The music in the car was drowned out by the thoughts ruminating in her head. Why? It was the question that always surfaced in the moments when she was alone, and the one question she tried to think about the least because there was no real answer. It felt like an eternity before her car finally eased into the wet driveway, the headlights lingering on the garage door. It never ceased to amaze her how quickly the ivy grew, it continued extending and growing no matter how much her mother cut it back. It was determined.

She unbuckled her seat belt, eagerly looking at her brother “We’re here! We’re here!” She bounded out of her seat, before quickly turning back to grab her small bag from the floor “oops” looking to her brother apologetically with a forgetful smile. “Come on, we should try and be the first ones off or Dad will think we missed our flight” the words sounded severe to her ears, he was only 10 but her brother could sound like an adult when it came to these moments. He pushed ahead of her with the confidence of being the oldest. Tagging along behind him she waved goodbye to the stewardesses, it always made her feel important when they noticed her. They hurried through the airport, smiling ear to ear and walking quicker with each step, “Do you think Dad is going to be standing at the front?” her big blue eyes inquired. Her brother was silent for a moment, looking ahead before answering her “He usually stands towards the back.” Once she saw the crowd, her heart pounded in her chest—would he recognize her? She had grown since Christmas and had her mom tie her hair into a ponytail before she left. Her eyes raced through the crowd to look for the black hair and easy stance of her father. She followed behind him, nervous with anticipation and then finally moved in front of him to search through the strange faces and then she heard the familiar voice of her father calling their names, eagerly she bounded towards him as he leaned down and scooped up her brother and she in a hug.

The tear rolled down her cheek as she stared in front of her letting out strained laugh, tightening her mouth and taking a deep breath before wiping the tears and tilting her head back against the headrest. Get it together. It was always in these moments that the ache consumed her chest till it felt like an asthma attack. She sucked in the hot air of the summer as she opened the car door, walking to the illuminated front door. Her mother always left the lights on when she knew she was going to be home late, a sign of forgiveness, or maybe just a natural instinct of parenting, she could never really figure it out. She quietly let the door shut behind her, running her fingers to smooth down her hair. Sometimes she wondered if her mother knew what she had been doing, or with what guy. They would never guess he would be her type. Turning off the front porch light she found her way through the darkness, taking off her shoes to sneak up the stairs and into the safety of her room. It was a habit now, dropping her purse to the floor as the contents of lip gloss and receipts trickled out. Robotically she threw on her pajamas from the night before and went into the bathroom tying her hair back and washing her face. She looked up from the sink and stared into her foreign reflection, arching her neck to check for traces of him. Slut. She shook her head and wiped off the remnants of her mascara, maybe in the morning this would be a distant memory. She still felt the alcohol, crawling under the cold sheets and downing the hot water next to her bed. She closed her heavy eyes and tried to shake the image of his face.

His big brown eyes stared down at her, his pale skin freckled and slightly sick looking probably the cigarettes..she reached behind his head and pulled his thin lips up against hers, he was hungry and she could feel it. She felt empowered as he eased ontop of her, it didn’t feel right but nothing did anymore anyway. His hands groped over her body and it felt intrusive. She drowned out the sounds of the party going on in the kitchen, or maybe it was the jager. She tried to focus her eyes and get her bearings, were they in his parents’ room? She hated the way he bit her lips but she cinched her eyes and try to take control of the kiss again. She opened her eyes only to meet his, he looked..passionate. Her hands moved down his lanky frame, he was much thinner than the athletes she usually went for but it didn’t matter, he was the best of what was around and something in her wanted to have him. She lengthened her arms and stretched out her torso in a catlike motion, releasing a yawn midkiss…”I have to go home…sorry” the smile came easily to her as she rolled over onto her side, knowing he would pull her back, just like she wanted. They were all the same. It was like riding a bike, you had what they wanted and of course they would try their best to get it. He poured himself onto her, surprising her with slight dominance but not enough to really turn her on. “You’re such an amazing kisser,” he whispered into her ear as she nibbled on her lobe and sloppily kissed at her neck not knowing that she really liked it softly. “God, you’re body is soooo sexy” she kissed him harder, tasting the cigarettes on his breath and feeling the roughness of his jeans with her fingers. She pushed down on his chest and straddled him, “Mmm..thanks. But I really have to go. It’s late.” He finally consented and followed her sulkily out the front door and into the courtyard where some of the stragglers were smoking a cigarette and finishing their beer, she waved her hand lightly, “Nice meeting you” with a bashful smile, keys in hand, slipping out the front gate and avoiding eye contact. He pushed her up against her SUV and took another attempt at wooing her to stay, but she clumsily climbed into her car, not even noticing the side mirror was hanging off. “Drive safely. I’m glad you came over,” he said coolly. He thought he was the shit now, damnit, they always thought they were something special when she let them get on top of her. “Yeah it was fun. I’ll talk to you later” she smiled and started the ignition, shutting the door and pulling out abruptly. She wasn’t even sure how to get home. She wasn’t even sure if she was going to talk to him again, she hardly even knew him.

Her stomach jolted as she pulled the sheets up higher to her chin, shutting her eyes tightly wishing she could shut out the whole night. Why did she always end up in the same situation? Now she would have to see him at work and it would be awkward. The vivacious, sassy, seductive and rebellious girl he met tonight was not really her. It was a part of her, an angry part. She groaned and threw off the sheets again and walked across the cold wooden floor to her desk drawer. She slowly pulled it out and eyed the bottle of vicodin. Normally she could fall asleep when she had been drinking, but tonight everytime she closed her eyes it was like a black and white movie of her sexual exploits. Her thoughts raced back to calculate how much she had had to drink, she remembered sitting on his lap during the poker game and giggling because she couldn’t make out the image of the card clearly. She remembered shot gunning at least 5 jager bombs, the goose bumps resurfaced when she pictured his eyes staring at her over his shot glass, watching her smugly chug her drink. She quickly popped the pill into her mouth and scrunched her nose as the bitter taste of the pill remained on her tongue, unable to swallow it down but the tart taste stayed in her mouth, typical, that’s what you get for being one of them. She paced the room for a couple of minutes, looking out the door of her room that connected to the porch. She crept out, the darkness enveloping her like an old friend. Normally the lonely howl of the wolves would have scared her, but tonight she found it comforting. She laughed again as she tapped the package of cigarettes against her palm before lighting it up and taking a long, slow drag. The smoke oozed from her lips and dissipated into the night. She looked up at the glimmering stars, oh how things have changed.


She got up on the plane to go use the restroom, discretely bringing her makeup bag with her, hoping no one would find it suspicious. She always got awkward in the least awkward situations. For some reason she felt that taking a makeup bag into a bathroom would seem strange and vain. Nonchalantly walking down the narrow aisle, the stench of stale air filled her lungs and she couldn’t help but wince at the crying child and sleeping businessmen; every flight was the same. In truth, she was envious of the people with a child, to be able to love something more than yourself—she didn’t know what that was like. And, the businessmen, because they could sleep on a plane and not be awake thinking of 1000 different ways the plane could crash and you could die. And if you lived, would you be one of the leaders or would you be one of the followers that die first? Maybe eaten? People could turn cannibalistic in desperate situations. Someone had told her that they believed people had the innate instinct to kill, she didn’t believe it at the time but now that she had the plane crash scenario she thought she could kill someone if they attempted to sacrifice her to island gods or whatever else happens these days. She shook her head, closing the door of the bathroom behind her. Solitude. The bathroom is the only place you can get solitude on a plane. It smells like cheap soap. She wondered if anyone had ever had sex in this very bathroom and if they had, she was envious of them. She had always wanted to be the type of girl to have sex in an airplane bathroom, but she was too practical. It would be uncomfortable and people would know they would then know that she was in fact a slut. She took out her simple make up bag, and redid her eye makeup. She liked wearing a lot of eye make up, like Priscilla Presley. Priscilla had it made, this superstar fell in love with her when she was 13 years old in Germany. She must have done something right, she believed it was the dramatic eye make up. She looked into her blue eyes, the same eyes of the little girl that used to rush to see her Dad was now rushing to see her boyfriend. She always saw the couples at the airport that run to eachother, the guy holding the bouquet of beautiful roses and the girl being the eye candy of all the lonely men at the airport bar. How she envied them.

He would probably have flowers, anxiously waiting for her—looking to see which one was her and anticipate how she would look. Decidedly, she sat down in her seat and got that familiar excited feeling as the wheels hit the ground and she breathed easy knowing that the last opportunity for the plane to crash was gone. She took her time getting off the flight, wanting him to be anticipating her arrival. As she rounded the corner where everyone was waiting, the tall brunette in the high heels ran to her boyfriend and he hugged her as if he was never going to let her go. Her boyfriend was nowhere to be found…traffic. She stood in baggage claim feeling uncomfortable and disappointed. Finally she got the call he was out on the curb in the white Acura. She stepped out into the sunlight, lugging her heavy bags to the car, a big smile creeping onto her face. He never got out of the car; he popped the trunk for her to put her bags in.

She curled up on the chaise lounge, pulling the blanket she had wrapped around her shoulders tighter. It was amazing how in the middle of the summer you could be so cold. She looked over the endless amount of trees dotting the landscape, no movement, no rustling leaves. I wonder if anyone, anywhere is doing the same thing right now. Probably not. She pulled the cigarette away from her lips and studied the rim, blood. Flipping it out into the dirt, she stood up and stretched. Her lids felt heavy as they closed over her eyes, straining to keep them open she fumbled through the porch door and rag dolled down onto her bed.

Sunday nights

The rain is pelting on the windows and soaking everything outside..I love the smell of tucson rain.

I went on a great run tonight down greasewood, I saw a rainbow between the massive gray clouds and a beautiful sunset with hot pink and orange standing out from the bland rainy sky. It was so nice to be out with just the sound of my music, my feet against the pavement and my thoughts. A lot of people don't like running and I figured out what it is about running that I love so much. The only person that can keep me going is me, I can sprint out anger, run away from anybody, leave the whole world behind in my dust. The burn of my lungs and tension in my muscles is the most healing feeling, it's like letting out everything that makes you seethe in a 45 minute period.

Anyways this weekend was really enlightening and strange at the same time. I got work off Thursday and ended up going to denton's and hanging out. He seems like such a genuine person and it's so refreshing not to feel like it's another douchebag just trying to get down my pants..as cliche as that sounds.

Speaking of duplicitous people..KEVIN texted me on saturday. I haven't spoken to him since before May..so what is the point of texting me..i obviously have no desire to even maintain a friendship. Anybody who is sketch..can leave me be. I'm too upfront and honest to deal with people who are deceptive. I felt awkward because Denton was with me..I think to someone who doesn't know where i'm coming from, I could be construed as all over the place. I've been keeping to myself lately, it's not that I want to be spending time with anybody..it's that I want to be spending time with somebody. FYI to any girl in the world..being single is a better place than settling or putting up with more drama than you have to.

In general I wish I...well whatever, I guess I still play games... I guess we all play games. but shoot, dating is so awkward! it's too soon to be on a close knit basis, but at the same time I feel like I have no footing and don't know how to act or where my boundaries are. Maybe that's the fun of it or something.

Something that has been nagging me is that Kenny made a comment that I just need to be single for longer.. It gets under my skin because I have always been irritated with women who can't be independent without a man in their life. I know this more than anyone, i've had to be independent my entire life. My mom is amazing..if she were still allowing herself to be dependant on my father--where would she be? Please. I think in actuality i'm too independent to be in a relationship. I like doing my own thing, and if a guy fits..great..if not..I'm good :)

I'm having a mid-college crisis.

Shoot!

It just hit me that i'm not going to be returning to UA in the fall, living with my roomates, going to classes, and going to football games. This is it. Is that all there is?

I had a meeting with my prelaw advisor this morning and apparently it looks like my timeline is as follows

1. LSATS December 1st
2. Teach for America application
3. GRE test for graduate school
4. Law School applications in fall 08
5. Summer 08--getting a real job and living at home (AAAAAAAAAAH!)

I feel overwhelmed? Shit. I went to the career services department at the UA and "allegedly" with my bachelors in English I can pursue multiple careers, even (gasp) business. So I think it would be in my best interest to get a legit job over the summer..could you imagine if i got a job at a newspaper or news station? I would start crying and kissing the ground. I know that I do NOT see myself in a 8-5 job working in a cubicle. Not for me. I need to know that my job will be different day to day and with different people and implementing creative forces. Otherwise i think i'd start losing my mind and spinning around in my chair, or throwing paper airplanes at innocent co-workers.

I just feel like i'm too young for these decisions..haha i'm going to be like the 30 year old loser who is like "wait..this is when i'm supposed to grow up?"

Anyways, I just talked to kenny and allison and it really helped to bounce ideas off other people. Realistically it's a better plan for me not to be going to law school til fall 09 because i can get an internship at a lawfirm and get a feel for it. I always do want to apply to a newspaper..i'd love to be a writer..I guess it's my real dream anyhow.