damn it feels good to be a gangsta'

I partially wish I was this inebriated again, Erin practically knocked me down (but thus the point of the power hour right?) Anyways..

I just got home from doing a fabulous whole lot of nothing with nick. We went to yardhouse and had a couple beers and productive small talk. Then we stalkerized the yardhouse parking lot, it's really entertaining to watch people leaving the bar and all their awkward engagements. Relationships/dates are awkward..and you can intuit quite a bit based on body language. One girl was attempting to entertain her "date" by showing him her awesome skills at spinning her purse really fast around her wrist. She's a winner.

I then realized that perhaps I am even MORE of a winner simply because of the fact that I was watching her from a car, partially buzzed at 1am.

I'm an insomniac lately--what are the chances it's because i'm nervous and unprepared for London? Hm..that's a toughie.

I'm hiking camelback tomorrow morning with a busted tailbone; but it's time. I feel pudgy and lazy. I was inspired by Jessica Simpson's bodily comeback and guess what..due to fiber! the 5 diet..eating 5 meals a day that have 5-10 g of fiber per meal..thus I felt bad about my cheesecake indulgence at dinner and had my fiber mix with orange juice before laying down.

Also, i'm wondering why i have been sleeping sideways lately without fully unmaking my bed--i wonder what my sleep style is suggesting..google time


Foetus--it's me!!!!!
Those who curl up in the foetus position are described as tough on the outside but sensitive at heart. They may be shy when they first meet somebody, but soon relax. This is the most common sleeping position, adopted by 41% of the 1,000 people who took part in the survey. More than twice as many women as men tend to adopt this position.


Log
Lying on your side with both arms down by your side. These sleepers are easy going, social people who like being part of the in-crowd, and who are trusting of strangers. However, they may be gullible.


Yearner
People who sleep on their side with both arms out in front are said to have an open nature, but can be suspicious, cynical. They are slow to make up their minds, but once they have taken a decision, they are unlikely ever to change it.


Soldier
Lying on your back with both arms pinned to your sides. People who sleep in this position are generally quiet and reserved. They don't like a fuss, but set themselves and others high standards.


Freefall
Lying on your front with your hands around the pillow, and your head turned to one side. Often gregarious and brash people, but can be nervy and thin-skinned underneath, and don't like criticism, or extreme situations.


Starfish
Lying on your back with both arms up around the pillow. These sleepers make good friends because they are always ready to listen to others, and offer help when needed. They generally don't like to be the centre of attention.

Tuesday morning

I know it'll be worth it when i'm in London going to the British Museum and seeing all the things i've been reading about. Today is the first day that i've been really excited about leaving. I just need to get away for awhile, find myself. It's funny that i think i'll find myself in an entirely new city..alone.

I think that people lose themselves in the mundane existence of the day to day. Particularly, when you are an over analyzer like me. I think I just need to put on the brakes for awhile. I want to be laid back and just let the waves wash over me. Going to London will enable me to just rely on myself for awhile and not get lost in the stresses of my life here. What is bothersome now is that Grandma will be being moved to the retirement home in Nevada when i'm in London. I just wish I was more powerful in the situation, capable of changing things and speaking my mind. Maybe that's part of growing up, learning to voice your thoughts and correct people when they are making selfish mistakes.

Yesterday Hilary and I sat on the floor of Barnes and Noble reading zodiac books, it's eerie how dead on they are. You may think this is funny, but I really believe in my horoscope and the information about my birth date. Believe it or not, it even said that taurus' are prone to throat problems..and hello i know i've had more doctor visits about my throat than I would like to remember. Plus they said that I have psychic abilities. I take pride in that :).

I did camelback mountain yesterday morning with Nick and it was fun, but it frustrates me how challenging it is sometimes. I expect it to be easy but everytime i'm at the halfway point it's a fight against mind over matter. I think it's something i'd like to do by myself opposed to with somebody else, I just need to sit and think. I really want to write an honest book, about my opinions through a character that's tangible to me instead of being so afraid to write something personal. Why should I hide my life--it's mine and it's me.

I didn't see it being like this?

I am sitting on my bed with my snoring dog..listening to music and wishing I was anywhere but here. I guess not alot has changed, it used to be eric snoring next to me and now it's my obese chihuahua. It's pretty funny, right?

I'm really tired of having so much on my plate. I have these moments of being so overwhelmed that it's hard to wake up in the morning. It scares me to think that I'm going back to how I was at the beginning of this semester. I'm happier alone than with anyone else--and if I choose to be social i'm drinking, more than I should. Drowning my sorrows in a shot of patron. Really productive and beneficial. I need someone or something positive in my life, something truly stable. I guess the only thing that I can rely on is myself--which is hard to do when you're over medicated and suddenly aware of all your obnoxious idiosyncrasies pointed out by a psychiatrist.

I'm frustrated. But i'm frustrated that i'm frustrated, I just want to be a normal, average person on the street with a big smile on their face and a bounce in their step. It's been too long pretending, "faking it til I make it" and to be honest i'm just agitated. I can't even say that whole heartedly either, because i'm not absolutely miserable. I like being in Scottsdale alot, even though Santa Fe was an amazing reprieve. But i'm very suspect of people, of everyone lately. I don't understand what happened to caring about strangers and people in general. I need to get out of here. I'm losing faith in the goodness of the average person. People perhaps have turned out to be more selfish than I could have imagined. My father chose his own pride over loving his daughter, Eric only thought of himself, and here I sit with the weight of the world on my shoulders with out anyone to share it with me. What the fuck happened to us?

My mom asked me if I was going to be going out the other night--of course the reason she asked was because she wanted to try and talk to me again about my grandmother. I just don't want to hear it, i want to pretend this isn't happening. My grandmother is barely holding on--she was so miserable in the recovery hospital after her stroke at christmas--wanting to be with her good friends in her garden, enjoying her belongings and her loved ones. Then my mom told me that grandma hardly knows where she is anymore and I just felt sick. I can't lose her and it's so unbelievably painful to hear her disgruntled on the phone and being pulled at like a ragdoll by all these selfish, awful, people. I want to fly out to california and give everyone a piece of my mind. It's just like when Lenna passed away and all my relatives turned money hungry, seeing green and pulling at my mother to go against Lenna's will. It's just disgusting. I just want to be with her and talk to her about London and traveling and school. I think I am starting to understand why my brother left for Colombia. He needed to escape. Grown tired of being used, and i'm sick and tired of all this STUFF.


If I had my life to live over, I'd dare to make more mistakes next time. I'd relax; I'd limber up. I would be sillier than I have been this trip. I would take fewer things seriously. I would take more chances. I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers. I would eat more ice cream and less beans. I would perhaps have more actual troubles, but I'd have fewer imaginary ones.

You see, I'm one of those people who lived sensibly and sanely hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I had my moments, and if I had to do it over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to have nothing else. Just moments, one after the other, instead of living so many years ahead of each day. I've been one of those persons who never goes anywhere without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a raincoat, and a parachute. If I had it to do over again, I would travel lighter than I have.

If I had my life to live over again, I would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall. I would dance more; I would ride more merry-go-rounds. I would pick more daisies.