Letting go isn't that easy

So obviously yesterday was hard and gave me a lot to think about. Eric and I went to dinner and it was the same conversation we have been going over for 2 months now. Basically he still refuses to take full accountability for his own actions and the negative impact that I had to receive because of that. A relationship requires two people to be fully devoted; when the other is down the other one should help pick them back up. I do not want a relationship where I have to always be the one to help the other out, particularly when my own world was crumbling all around me. Nothing has changed; my dad is still out of the picture, my grandma is on a day to day basis---but I'm dealing with things differently. I don't have the time to confront those issues right now but I know that eventually I will, and in the mean time I need to keep my head up and keep it together. The world doesn't stop for you.

But yeah, i'm brushing some things under the rug for now. I don't think I can be in a relationship with Eric if he cannot even genuinely apologize for what happened instead of just blaming me for breaking up with him.

I am going to pick up a new addition to the family, she is a little white chihuahua who hasn't had a home for awhile and i'm VERY excited. I can't wait to take my little buddy out on walks and home with me to north scottsdale to meet zeus, pax, and zoe. So yes, i'm really happy that my roomies are all so excited about the new puppy. She'll have lots of attention and lots of love :)

It took awhile to figure out she could run and when she did she was long..long gone.

Mornings are my favorite time of day. I have a routine then. I wake up, go put on a pot of coffee, have a piece of toast and cut up bananas and strawberries and sprinkle them into my cereal. Have fiber juice. Catch up on the world of television and have some quiet time. But then the rest of the day is...unpredictable. I opted not to go to class..I feel guilty about it, honestly. I'm either on point and focused or I am all over the place. God, i just want to shake myself. Snap out of it, wake up and get moving!!

Anyways, I went on yet another amazing run today. When i'm running I like to feel like i'm running from things...Escaping...running from the annoyances and frustrations of life. Running from the people that bring me down and kicking dust onto them. The difference between me in my real life and the me during my runs is that when i'm running, i'm moving past all the dilemmas, letting things go and going forward; but in my real life i'm frozen and drudging through the muck. muck. I can be pissed as all hell and when i get to the base of the hill, it fuels me, and I run and run and sprint and push off my feet as hard as i can so when I get to the top I feel like I pushed the anger out of me. And I take a deep breath and exhale all the tension in my body. out..out out and away into the air, somewhere away from me.

Emotions are a crazy thing, I suppose all the time I spent running in highschool from "real life," things caught up with me in college; I have to confront my father..and my issues with relationships and people..but I have never had to do that before and i'm lost.

I feel accomplished when I keep going, even though I'm tired and my legs are aching and my lungs are screaming for a minute of reprieve--but I keep pushing. Mind over matter..Mind over matter..it's my mantra these days. It's supposed to hurt, that's the challenge; overcoming the hurt to run another mile and another one after that. Finish the hill even though your hamstrings are sore--but you can keep going, that's the beauty of the human body. you can do amazing things; if only you allow yourself to go beyond the pain to something more..you just keep going. keep running until you decide that you are finished. and when you go up that last hill, feeling the fire lighting up your feet, battling the desire to quit and just walk it...feel the sunshine on your face; something, maybe the demons inside you, fuel you and you just go and take off til the top.

El Fin

Eric asked me on a date for saturday...i'm undecided. I keep saying that when you don't have any expectations of people you do not allow yourself to be disappointed. But I continually allow myself to get my hopes up about Eric and being able to patch things up.
Perhaps I take his consistent attempts as signs of love..but maybe I was wrong and it is just him fearing change and being alone. or fear of facing reality like me? I say this because when I allowed myself to get...pretty excited...about saturday, I was talking to him about Sushi Garden and how fun it would be to go and get sushi. And he was like "Are you buying?" and so the same old conversation came up. No..i'm not paying and no i'm not driving. I told him not to ask me on a date if he didn't have any money. And NO it's not about the money, it's the point. he had to ruin something that could have been a fun date because he made it seem like a BURDEN. Spending a night with me outweighed and overwhelmed by finances. get over it already. And of course, this is coming from the guy who went out to dinner, continually eats out and spends money on beer. You know, I don't think i have time to go to dinner tomorrow night and i'm sure I could spend time with my friends instead. I dont' have time to be anybody's burden anymore. And i'm not going to let HIM weigh me down anymore. I'm fine--it's all these other people. Between my father and eric i'm saying sianara