my mom called this morning and i told her about the email, minus the "Self-centered like your mother" abomination. She told me that he will never change and he is projecting his misgivings on me. She reminded me that i have never been mean to him and that "family" is about unconditional love. People will love you in spite of your bad qualities and admire you for your good traits, unconditionally. She said that I should print out his e-mail, put it in my diary and look at it when I question why my father and I do not have a relationship.
She told me never to blame myself because that's a heavy burden I should not weight on myself. So i spent the morning scrubbing the kitchen, microwave included. I changed the vac bag and cleaned up my room. This morning when I woke up I washed off the smudged mascara and put cool water to ease the swolleness of my eyes. It feels like a bad dream.
Monday, December 18, 2006
Sunday, December 17, 2006
what it means to be my mother's daughter
It's one of those moments that you always knew would happen but hoped it would never come. A picture with a broken frame. My dad just sent me an email, (not even a phone call) telling me that he is a hurt by my responses to him asking me to come and visit, he told me that i make time to go visit my grandmother over thanksgiving but not him and that later on in life being selfish like my mother will not result in happiness..and happiness is the key to life. He will no longer be trying to contact me but will always support me if he can
WHAT THE FUCK?
Are you fucking kidding me? He claimed that the only time i contact him is when i am asking for money--is he living in a dream world? I'm 20 years old and in college; he doesn't help financially whatsoever. If my mom didn't do well for herself i would be screwed, and definitely not living in a nice apartment and attending a university. He is such a DICK. First of all, how dare he call my mother selfish who has sacrificed everything above and beyond to take care of me, she calls me to wish me luck on my finals and always makes me feel better about anything--my father on the other hand did not even know what year i was in college or what my degree was in. Seriously? I'm just so exhausted with him--I want nothing to do with him and he has made that decision very easy for me. He must be clueless to what he is like to deal with, this overwhelming berating individual that is never satisfied. My mother sends me cards just to say she is proud of me---I get a phone call from my dad once every 4 months to talk about my brother. Fuck you if you think visiting my 93 year old grandmother isn't a priority----she means more to me than he ever will. I just hate that i'm crying right now, he doesn't deserve my tears but i can't make myself not feel so hurt by him. it's so typical, my father is the only man that makes me cry--how disfunctional is that?? Now i just don't know if i should email him back and let him have it, maybe it would go something like this
I am shocked and taken aback by your email, I am incredibly angered that you had the audacity to call my mother selfish, she must be selfish to pay for my tuition, my books, my car, my apartment, my cell phone, send me cards just to say "I am proud of you!", call me the morning of my finals to wish me luck and talk to me everyday just to say hello. She has supported 3 children and makes us her priority--that is selfish. On the other hand as of our last conversation you weren't aware what my major was. I am incredibly resentful that you implied my mother would not give me lenna's intended inheritance--it was inappropriate and disrespectful not only to my mother but to me because i was more concerned with grieving her loss and not "monetary" matters contrary to what you seem to think i am consumed with. I do work to help with finances because my mother pays for all my educational finances leaving me to take care of my other financial responsibilities--a job is necessary to do that; to criticize me for being responsible in keeping my job is ridiculous. Also, my grandmother is 93 years old and after losing Lenna I realize the importance of visiting with her as much as possible, she extends an interest in me and vice versa and I am incredibly lucky to have her in my life and enjoy her company. Seeing that you were harshly honest with me, I feel that it is only fair i am the same with you--we lack any fundamental grounds for communicating, your conversations with me are generic and generally center around the actions of Troy. Obviously learning about me as a person and establishing a relationship based on ME and YOU is unattainable for you and your emotinal aptitude with a female; this leaves me feeling distant from you and resentful that I do not have a father-daughter relationship like my friends. This has been the case since i was in highschool, i have always felt distances and lacking a strong bond--I am perfectly capable of having a 5 minute conversation once a week about golf, troy, the weather, and how Yuliya is doing..but it is purposeless when you do not value me as a person. Your rude commentary about my mother is yet another splinter in our relationship--this is probably unknown to you but she never speaks poorly of you to me understanding what an awkward position that would put me in. on the other hand, you are habitually disrespectful towards my mother and I can no longer handle this with silence. I am my mother's daughter and THAT is happiness for me.
WHAT THE FUCK?
Are you fucking kidding me? He claimed that the only time i contact him is when i am asking for money--is he living in a dream world? I'm 20 years old and in college; he doesn't help financially whatsoever. If my mom didn't do well for herself i would be screwed, and definitely not living in a nice apartment and attending a university. He is such a DICK. First of all, how dare he call my mother selfish who has sacrificed everything above and beyond to take care of me, she calls me to wish me luck on my finals and always makes me feel better about anything--my father on the other hand did not even know what year i was in college or what my degree was in. Seriously? I'm just so exhausted with him--I want nothing to do with him and he has made that decision very easy for me. He must be clueless to what he is like to deal with, this overwhelming berating individual that is never satisfied. My mother sends me cards just to say she is proud of me---I get a phone call from my dad once every 4 months to talk about my brother. Fuck you if you think visiting my 93 year old grandmother isn't a priority----she means more to me than he ever will. I just hate that i'm crying right now, he doesn't deserve my tears but i can't make myself not feel so hurt by him. it's so typical, my father is the only man that makes me cry--how disfunctional is that?? Now i just don't know if i should email him back and let him have it, maybe it would go something like this
I am shocked and taken aback by your email, I am incredibly angered that you had the audacity to call my mother selfish, she must be selfish to pay for my tuition, my books, my car, my apartment, my cell phone, send me cards just to say "I am proud of you!", call me the morning of my finals to wish me luck and talk to me everyday just to say hello. She has supported 3 children and makes us her priority--that is selfish. On the other hand as of our last conversation you weren't aware what my major was. I am incredibly resentful that you implied my mother would not give me lenna's intended inheritance--it was inappropriate and disrespectful not only to my mother but to me because i was more concerned with grieving her loss and not "monetary" matters contrary to what you seem to think i am consumed with. I do work to help with finances because my mother pays for all my educational finances leaving me to take care of my other financial responsibilities--a job is necessary to do that; to criticize me for being responsible in keeping my job is ridiculous. Also, my grandmother is 93 years old and after losing Lenna I realize the importance of visiting with her as much as possible, she extends an interest in me and vice versa and I am incredibly lucky to have her in my life and enjoy her company. Seeing that you were harshly honest with me, I feel that it is only fair i am the same with you--we lack any fundamental grounds for communicating, your conversations with me are generic and generally center around the actions of Troy. Obviously learning about me as a person and establishing a relationship based on ME and YOU is unattainable for you and your emotinal aptitude with a female; this leaves me feeling distant from you and resentful that I do not have a father-daughter relationship like my friends. This has been the case since i was in highschool, i have always felt distances and lacking a strong bond--I am perfectly capable of having a 5 minute conversation once a week about golf, troy, the weather, and how Yuliya is doing..but it is purposeless when you do not value me as a person. Your rude commentary about my mother is yet another splinter in our relationship--this is probably unknown to you but she never speaks poorly of you to me understanding what an awkward position that would put me in. on the other hand, you are habitually disrespectful towards my mother and I can no longer handle this with silence. I am my mother's daughter and THAT is happiness for me.
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