On the end of summer..

I just finished watching the movie Prime with Uma Thurman and Meryl Streep and it left me thinking about relationships and the altercations that go hand in hand with being in one. People are complicated, things are complicated, and learning to let yourself fall in love with someone is complicated--it's a vulnerability that is unsurpassed. Granted, yes that is a little dramatic-but point being, allowing yourself the total company of another person is intimidating.

This summer i was terrified at the aspect of being without my boyfriend and my roomates and all the securities that are tied to the companionship of people that know you. The instant you are having a bad day the ramifications can be felt like ripples in a tide pool, there is no bluffing emotions with people who know you and all the games you play. I admire my brother for his ability to pack up and leave the country after college and move to Colombia and create an entirely new life that i was no longer the center of but a part of. Interestingly enough, somebody told me that they were aware i had a whole life in arizona to get back to.

This summer was a segment, a book page, a moment. I get so aggravated because i am now keenly aware of how much growing up i have to do. I'm not the woman i want to be; but a girl in the midst of webs and decisions that leave me wondering if know who i am. Your identity is everything and the ability to grasp what you want, where you want to be, and who you want to be with is inevitably pertinent. But more than that, i know that i need to let life happen and live in the moment. live in the now. be present. I spend so much time daydreaming about other things that i need to get a grip on myself and figure out exactly what it is i'm doing. Am i going to london and to visit Annie in Australia? I want to--but will i do it? I need to step out of my comfort zone in a large way. Santa fe was a microcosm in the grand scheme of me coming out of my shell and letting strangers in to the crazy world I call my own.

As could be guessed from my clockwork habits, i'm scared to go back to school. Once i'm in a place I never want to leave. Change is uncomfortable but I know that when i get to school i won't want to come back to santa fe next summer..we'll bypass christmas b/c i definitely have alot of snow time to catch up on. Snowmans anyone? I'm looking forward to watching the snow fall and contemplating all the lessons i learned fall semester. I feel that i have so much left to learn and there is something beautiful in that, scary but beautiful. I feel confident in leaning on myself for the first time and i really really really need to learn how to de-stress myself and just breathe. Life isn't going to end because of a test but nor am i going to get any nearer to my goals because of that. One step at a time, one tick of the clock at a time. One annoying employee at a time and one disgruntled trepidation at a time. I'm going to just breathe and let the pieces fall as they may--confident that my steps are my own and my actions are my own and at the end of the day life is one big experience waiting to happen. i'm still chickenshit because that statement terrifies me, it gets under my skin the idea that i am not in control. BUT red alert check..i control how i act in uncontrollable situations. that's key. shakespeare said it and i love it..there is nothing neither good nor bad but ideas that make it so.

you me and dupree

Since i knew you all my thoughts are real
you're the only one i want to do
everything is new
and it's all cause of you

I've been moving because my heart is true
telling everyone i know about you
tell your mama that you won't be home
let your daddy know that you're not alone
all i want to do is make you mine
I said i love you honey anytime
don't believe the things they say about me
and allt he things you know i'd never be
you're the only one i want to do
everything's new
and it's all cause of you

all cause of you


Well, i've finally come to the conclusion that moving to Santa Fe has alot more to offer me than a change of address. The atmosphere is completely different from anything i've ever experienced--maybe that is why people travel; because places mold you and shape you, each area having it's own ideals and personality traits. The people are incredibly unique, each person i have encountered is polar opposite of me but maybe through osmosis i will take on their attributes of a laidback, carefree, happy demeanor at all times.



Santa Fe is nicknamed the Land of Manana. Appealing right? People don't show up to work on a sunny day because they are outdoors enjoying the beautiful scenery. The wealthiest people drive a prius and act humbly. Life is not a play, it's what we make of the people we are. Everyone has a story and I am overly eager to hear all about every detail. Anyways, it's green chile for thought; I want to learn how to relax and absorb the moments and the perfection around me and just count my blessings for my family, friends, and hope for the ability to appreciate how blessed i am to have more than i could have ever asked for. lately i've been meeting people who have traveled all over the world and it's really awaken the desire to travel in me--over dinner my brother mentioned to my mom that when i'm i London next summer he would meet up with me; i'd be so excited because last summer when he studied at Cambridge he picked up on all the places to go and that would be nice to have a pseudo tour guide. I also want to visit annie when she is in australia, i can't believe she is leaving in february and coming back the following december, next summer won't be the same without her . We go out so much and never take pictures and i'm going to put batteries in my camera and start to record our adventures, lol we decided to call this portion of our life "The Ridges, the real santa fe." because it's alot more exciting here than that show on mtv with lc from the oc..lol it's good to be stupid sometimes.

Last night we went and saw You me and dupree and it was classic. Owen wilson was adorable as usual and it also re-emphasized the idea of taking life with a grain of salt and reiterated the importance of priorities. Money isn't going to follow you into the afterlife--so visit the people you want to, buy the things that make you happy, and drink the expensive cocktail to avoid a hangover lol.

I have a lot to learn, especially about myself. I'll know i've come into my own when I can deal with my Dad in a logical manner and do things offiically for me and not care about what anybody else has to say. Oddly enough, there aren't a surplus amount of blonde's like in Arizona--i'm stereotyped and judged before I open my mouth the minute somebody sees me driving in a bmw with blonde hair; tomorrow morning i'm darkening my hair and normally i wouldn't even think about doing something like that but for some reason i'm excited and i think of it as kind of liberating. I'll be a little bit of both and hopefully a little edgier. I have so many different facets to my personality and it'll be kind of interesting to blend to the conservative polo wearing girl with the more free spirited side. It's nice to be able to reflect the changes on the inside with simple changes to the outside. Girls are lucky that way. This sounds out of the ordinary but i've even been thinking about getting a tattoo in a really light ink.."I carry your heart in mine" in reference to the EE Cummings poem..it has alot of meaning for me personally and i'd like to rememember this growth period. that same day i got a flyer about a tattoo parlor..fate..maybe


underneath the ink of my tattoo i try to hide my scars from you