I just finished watching the movie Prime with Uma Thurman and Meryl Streep and it left me thinking about relationships and the altercations that go hand in hand with being in one. People are complicated, things are complicated, and learning to let yourself fall in love with someone is complicated--it's a vulnerability that is unsurpassed. Granted, yes that is a little dramatic-but point being, allowing yourself the total company of another person is intimidating.
This summer i was terrified at the aspect of being without my boyfriend and my roomates and all the securities that are tied to the companionship of people that know you. The instant you are having a bad day the ramifications can be felt like ripples in a tide pool, there is no bluffing emotions with people who know you and all the games you play. I admire my brother for his ability to pack up and leave the country after college and move to Colombia and create an entirely new life that i was no longer the center of but a part of. Interestingly enough, somebody told me that they were aware i had a whole life in arizona to get back to.
This summer was a segment, a book page, a moment. I get so aggravated because i am now keenly aware of how much growing up i have to do. I'm not the woman i want to be; but a girl in the midst of webs and decisions that leave me wondering if know who i am. Your identity is everything and the ability to grasp what you want, where you want to be, and who you want to be with is inevitably pertinent. But more than that, i know that i need to let life happen and live in the moment. live in the now. be present. I spend so much time daydreaming about other things that i need to get a grip on myself and figure out exactly what it is i'm doing. Am i going to london and to visit Annie in Australia? I want to--but will i do it? I need to step out of my comfort zone in a large way. Santa fe was a microcosm in the grand scheme of me coming out of my shell and letting strangers in to the crazy world I call my own.
As could be guessed from my clockwork habits, i'm scared to go back to school. Once i'm in a place I never want to leave. Change is uncomfortable but I know that when i get to school i won't want to come back to santa fe next summer..we'll bypass christmas b/c i definitely have alot of snow time to catch up on. Snowmans anyone? I'm looking forward to watching the snow fall and contemplating all the lessons i learned fall semester. I feel that i have so much left to learn and there is something beautiful in that, scary but beautiful. I feel confident in leaning on myself for the first time and i really really really need to learn how to de-stress myself and just breathe. Life isn't going to end because of a test but nor am i going to get any nearer to my goals because of that. One step at a time, one tick of the clock at a time. One annoying employee at a time and one disgruntled trepidation at a time. I'm going to just breathe and let the pieces fall as they may--confident that my steps are my own and my actions are my own and at the end of the day life is one big experience waiting to happen. i'm still chickenshit because that statement terrifies me, it gets under my skin the idea that i am not in control. BUT red alert check..i control how i act in uncontrollable situations. that's key. shakespeare said it and i love it..there is nothing neither good nor bad but ideas that make it so.
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