I had an epiphany

Relationships are a huge part of people's lives, think about how many times one of your friends has asked you for relationship advice, whether that refers to boyfriend/girlfriend, mom/dad, brother/sister, friend..foe--you gain so much from your interactions with other people and it just astounds me how often we take foregranted the wide range of people in our life or how quick we are to turn away from relationships. I understand relationships are hard, more than ever--but life is hard. Think about it, people get so aggravated and frustrated with relationships that they just throw in the towel and proclaim a declaration of being single and independent--no reliance on anyone for anything--but when life goes awry, which it oftens does, do you say "that's it, i'm going into the woods. the world is terrible so i'm going to be in isolation and bitter." In general, people don't commit suicide or separate themselves from society because things aren't working out; so why is it that people are so quick to separate themselves from wanting a relationship?

I know this is out of nowhere, but it all came about in the middle of a stressful, irritating shift. I'm rolling silverwear and i figured, what the hell i'll talk to John--so i asked John the bouncer to keep me company while i finished up. The background on John is that he's in his 30s, dedicates his life to working out and juggling jobs, treasures his daughter, and began confiding in me about his dual life a few shifts ago--living with one woman and her son and being in a relationship with her, while seeing another woman on the side who knew about his gf but wanted him to be with her. John informed me that he broke it off with both because his daughter was going to be there in a month and he wanted to spend all his time with her. Obviously that can't be the only reason--but this guy feels so backhanded by relationships that i want to pull the knife out of his back for him. He was married and it fell apart and he was broken hearted. Now he doesn't understand the point of being faithful to a woman if she isn't his wife..but yet he doesn't want to married again because he doesn't believe that love can last.

how depressing

He proceeds to tell me that no guy is ever going to be faithful to me because 7/10 guys cheat on their girlfriends, wives, whatever--he informs me that i should never put myself so far out there in love so i don't get crushed and heartbroken because inevitably i will. He challenges me--

"Tell me one guy who hasn't cheated on his girlfriend or spouse"

In this split second time to answer the question, somewhere within me all the doubts about letting myself trust another person, fall head over heels in love, and not feel that i'm going ultimately get heartbroken in the end disappear and I find myself arguing back. I think about eric's parents, erin's parents, brian's parents and I think about how great they are together and how important their families are to them. I think about the guys my own age who adore their girlfriends and vice versa. All of the sudden i feel sorry for him. I feel sorry for people who aren't willing to get their heart broken, trust someone else with everything they have because they believe in the good of people, and i feel sorry for people who would disrespect someone's relationship by pursuing a "taken" guy or girl.

What a pessimistic stance on relationships and even on life; if you can't depend on people you have nothing. Naturally, we're social beings--and i'm sorry but I refuse to believe that every guy/girl is interested in getting laid and being on their own. Relationships are incredible. Although I haven't been single for more than a month in my life, it wasn't because i was desperate for a relationship--it just worked out that way. When i first started dating Eric, i was so apprehensive because I was still licking my wounds from my breakup with Garrett that I didn't think I could be fully present in a new relationship--but you know what, sometimes you just have to throw yourself out there and let things happen on their own. If you reflect on all the present and past relationships in your life with your significant others, family, friends--it's a whirlwind of experiences, mistakes, and memories. I've learned so much about myself through other people. I learn from my friends--I look at my friends relationships and I learn alot about my own personality--i hold grudges. big time. If I can't understand someone's actions, I can't understand them and then I dislike them. Yet, I look at Erin who can move past someone acting out of character for no real reason and still be happy, if not more happy than ever before. It's incredible to me. I look at Amy and I see someone who is unwilling to settle for a guy who isn't what she's looking for and is totally at ease with her life and would NEVER be the girl to throw herself at a guy or look to a guy for attention; she's rightfully happy in her own skin and it takes so many people so long to get at that point..i dont even think i'm there yet. And Sopko makes a long distance relationship work. there's been ups and downs and I empathize along the way but I see her dealing with her age and understanding the difficulties but willing to do what is necessary to make it work. It just goes on--Kristin IMd me the other night, and she mentioned that she understood what i was going through and just reading that i was like..ah sigh of relief i'm not alone and this isn't crazy to be feeling or worrying about.

I'm just in awe at what people are capable of, in a good way, I find strength in my friends to help me with my weaknesses, and see their capabilities to help me overcome my shortcomings. I look at my mom who moved away from a stable life in AZ to take a risk and be ambitious, in contrast to myself who is characterized by timidity--GET OVER IT. I'm going to be gone 2 months, so i'll be productive, i'll get a job, i'll go to school--somehow, someway, i'll make this work. yeah everything is up in the air and i have no idea at this point how i could pay for a 400 dollar plane ticket but things work themselves out and i have faith that i can roll with the bumps in the road and enjoy the ride..literally, it'll be 8 hours on monday. Yeah driving to new mexico! Haha, well for the first time in a long time i'm feeling enlightened and optimistic. I'm tired of the baggage i've been carrying and the chip on my shoulder...you SHOULD dedicate yourself to the relationships in your life because in the end, don't you want 100% from the people in your life? So why don't they deserve that? You shouldn't be ashamed to walk away from a relationship and say "I tried to hard and gave it everything I had" it shows your character and capability of caring about other people--in the end that's all that matters. Pride is a dangerous thing and it isn't something to value. Pride keeps you from throwing yourself into a situation because of trepidation in looking stupid or failing. Success tastes the sweetest after failure anyhow; when your relationship is in a rut, work on it--because when things start to go smoothly you appreciate the other person more than ever and know that it's worth it to work through it. I find amazing contentment in that tonight..at last.

Alexander Pope said,

WHATEVER IS, IS RIGHT


I like it.

the end & the beginning

My eyes feel so heavy...it's been hard to sleep lately, probably because i'm full of caffeine and addicted to my coffee maker and experiencing all different types of creamers..french vanilla, chocolate rasberry, and now irish creme..it's getting exciting haha jk.

Baby left last night at 4am..I didn't want him to get out of bed. There's nothing more soothing than having someone you love next to you--I like waking up and looking over at him, it brings a sense of comfort and is always a good way to start the day. It's going to be really dififcult to get through the summer without him by my side...if I think about it too much i'll get really sad. I just don't want to have to say goodbye..even it's for about 10 mondays..right

It would be easier if i was going to be in phoenix over the summer--but i'm going solo and going to be incredibly independent and forge my own path. It reminds me of when i was younger and habitually being the new kid--it's never easy and always scary and intimidating; i'm just worried I won't make any friends and i'll be lost and a loser who never goes out and does anything fun.


I'm really scared about it..part of me is wanting to remain in the moment of finals and stressing about work and bemoaning how busy I am; but in actuality i want to cling to sitting on the sofa with my bestfriends joking around and being silly, being able to hold my boyfriends hand whenever I want, and knocking on my roomies door when I want company. How bizarre--I just need to remember it's a reprieve not permanent. Amy and Kevin are apart majority of the year and I finally understand why it is so hard for her to be with him--because when you spend your time missing someone you feel a little bit empty inside

I just want to be excited but everytime I think about packing up my stuff I get a little lump in my throat; but I miss my family so much and I want some time for myself to recenter things; it's been a very traumatic semester--instead of looking to other people for a remedy, I want to be able to find it within myself and my own reflections. Last night when I was studying for Brit Lit, or moreover freaking out about it, I re-read Emerson's Self-Reliance and I was so inspired...I should read it on the plane. Lean towards The self-soothing method opposed to the focker method lol. It's just so unfortunate that the least portion of the year with everyone is based around stress and being overwhelmed; you don't take a moment and appreciate you'll never be doing this exact thing ever again.

Contrary to what the cynics say, distance is not for the fearful. It's for the brave. Its for those who are willing to spend a lot of time alone in exchange for a little time with the one they love. It's for those who know a good thing when they see it, even if they don't see it nearly enough.