s so so hard. I sit here, curled up on my uncomfortable chair in my sweaty work out clothes crying and grieving over what I try and try to grow accustomed to. I was looking at the pictures of Lenna in my box and it still hurts so much; I almost feel angry?
When I got my new phone I was transferrring over my phone numbers and I came upon her number and it hit me like a slamming door that she was gone. Time heals nothing-- I can't even say that I want to go back to normal because atleast grieving her loss keeps her real to me---i just want time back.
I want her back and I want to call her and hear her voice or come over and get a hug and offered food that I don't want but can't say no to. I want all her newspaper clippings and book reviews in the mail..everything i took foregranted I promise i wouldn't take it foregranted anymore. I feel so ashamed for not loving her how I should have or feeling annoyed when i would have to talk on the phone to her when I was little, if only i could have those moments back I would do it all over.
I wish my mom was here so I could cry with her and feel comfort that i'm not as alone as I feel and am right now. I just want to pick up the phone and call Lenna and show her that i'm doing my best and i'm learning and i'm reading finally, and not just the cat books that she would send me when I was little but i'm reaching for any book that I think she might have read or liked and trying to tell myself I'll talk to her about it later. All i have now are objects, objects objects that i attach so much sentimental value to it scares me to think what would happen to me if they went missing or something happened.
I know i should focus on the fact that she had a very full life and did everything she wanted to but it doesn't help, it doesn't help it doesn't help. it's meaningless and i can't get over how frustrated i am with myself, I want to rewind time and take back every moment I didn't treasure--when will I come to peace about this? Jamie and I were at Pei wei and relating to eachother about our losses and I just got so overwhelmed and depressed, holding back tears but wanting to just let everything go and sob out all my fear and anger. I just keep shaking and trying to soothe myself; but nothing helps.
Kenny said it best that there is nothing anyone else can do really, I just have to grow accustomed to this feeling. It pits in my stomach rises in my throat and clenches my heart in my chest to where its hard to even breathe. I just feel so isolated, I wish someone knew what to do or how to heal and feel OKAY again. I just can't see light at the end of the tunnel and the only time i find solitude is when i'm crying in the shower where no one can hear me or into my pillow at night..everything is so empty. And I think about my grandma and i can't even feed the thought that she could eventually be gone too and I think about how i want to talk to her everyday in fear that tomorrow she won't be here and that's no way to think..my grandma is the happiest woman in the world and she's comfortable with death and life. how is that possible? I just can't understand and how can she not be terrified at the thought of not having being with my mom or me and my brothers or are family or even being on earth. How can life ever have been fulfilling enough? Does she know how much I miss her and how I sit here and grapple this?? Would she be mad at me or does she understand?
Don't think of her as gone away -
her journey's just begun,
life holds so many facets -
this earth is only one.
Just think of her as resting
from the sorrows and the tears
in a place of warmth and comfort
where there are no days and years.
Think how she must be wishing
that we could know today
how nothing but our sadness
can really pass away.
And think of her as living
In the hearts of those she touched
For nothing loved is ever lost -
And she was loved so much.
Anger and resentment can stop you in your tracks. That's what I know now. It needs nothing to burn but the air and the life that it swallows and smothers. It's real, though - the fury, even when it isn't. It can change you... turn you... mold you and shape you into something you're not. The only upside to anger, then... is the person you become. Hopefully someone that wakes up one day and realizes they're not afraid to take the journey, someone that knows that the truth is, at best, a partially told story. That anger, like growth, comes in spurts and fits, and in its wake, leaves a new chance at acceptance, and the promise of calm
