the dynamic has changed a little bit

the dynamic has changed a little bit

Sophomore year is coming to an end and I can say with confidence that i've never had a more tumultuous year. It's been bittersweet, full of moments that at times I immaturely, but honestly, I wish never happened--I know the cliche saying "Without the bad you can't appreciate the good" but I think I can put an end to that saying with this..
Well prepared gourmet dinners do not taste any better even though i've experienced eating rubberized noodles not cooked all the way
and pastaroni that caught fire

on the other hand

Starbucks coffee tastes amazing after drinking straight coffee grounds
on accident without knowing how much water per teaspoon of C.G's
to put in.

Yesterday when I was getting my hair done, Collin and I were talking about the ironic disappointment about a college preparatory like Xavier not celebrating the individual, but attempting to combine us into one uni-person, unable to be differentiated from one another. There was still competition and a desire to separate ourselves from the crowd, and that was with academic distinction I suppose. Either way, I think sometimes i'm afraid to own my feelings and just let myself be as I am without any apologies. It's hard to admit that you're having an awful time and that you're struggling. You want to be happy and optimistic and confident about who you are and where you're going. But when things are going downhill in one avenue of your life, it's next to impossible to keep careful division and not let your upset emotions boil over into other areas..like relationships

I think for me, change is...scary. Everybody has there own little fear or many of them..what can you do. Make the most of it I guess. Erin and I are going to Santa Fe this weekend and i'm trying to make it fun by doing a picture diary and looking forward to seeing the new house, but I think about all the funny memories in my old house and just being a part of a community like moonvalley..it's odd. Brian's not my next door neighbor anymore, I won't jump into the solace of my pool in the heat of the afternoon or lay in my hammock staring at the stars realizing how small I am in the grand scheme of the planet. All my plans for the summer are in the air now; Erin might have to go to ASU for nursing school which would just be so unreal, I refuse to accept that as a possibility at this point. Maybe I should transfer for Journalism--it's complicated. It is your experiences, your memories that make you who you are. So I am my neighborhood, my highschool, my family. When those things are stable..you aren't stable.

You know, it's been about a month since Lenna passed away and it isn't any easier or less sensitive. I'm really..tentative..? about going with my mom to auction off her furniture and do the whole spreading of ashes..ashes..ashes? God, my mom--she must be going through so much more than I can even fathom. I was lucky enough to know Lenna for 20 years but my mom has known her for 40--her sense of loss is double mine. I hate it because throughout everything i've put on the tough stance for my mom; she shouldn't have to take care of me when she needs to worry about herself for a little while. She's seriously my hero, without my mom I don't even know who I would be--she inspires me everyday through everything and i'm so appreciative for the life she's given me..when you feel cheated by good luck you should find your "mantra" if you will and say 10 things you're grateful for.

Well, writing has become tiresome after finishing my paper and staring blankly at my shakespeare paper i'm going to call it a night, sleeping alone ((I miss baby already )) how am I going to be without eric and my girls for 2 months? Thank god for air planes.

I'm thankful for..

(in no particular order lol)

1. My family
2. My brothers from another mother..aka my roomies
3. My boyfriend
4. The gym
5. Language
6. Transportation
7. My comfy bed
8. Having enough food & water every day
9. Uniqueness
10. Dane Cook and music