There is a positive that lays in the negative of the traumatic experience. When we are triggered and re-experience the trauma; we are given the change to let light into that room and see the experience emotionally and spiritually. As we embrace our trauma, it becomes our medicine---a positive force. 'Making light of the dark' is the binding force that can help empower you. When we understand that, the violence no longer owns us. the traumatic experience is revealed and knowing this you are at peace---the trauma is no longer a threat to your present consciousness.

What do you think...

What do you think about this quote:

I was never one to patiently pick up broken fragments and glue them together again and tell myself that the mended whole was as good as new. What is broken is broken -- and I'd rather remember it as it was at its best than mend it and see the broken places as long as I lived.

and...

"What we need to know about loving is no great mystery. We all know what constitutes loving behavior; we need but act upon it, not continually question it. Over-analysis often confuses the issue and in the end brings us no closer to insight. We sometimes become too busy classifying, separating, and examining, to remember that love is easy. It's we who make it complicated." - Leo F. Buscaglia 

and..

Only those who avoid love can avoid grief. The point is to learn from grief and remain vulnerable to love.

and...

"I do not believe that sheer suffering teaches. If suffering alone taught, all the world would be wise, since everyone suffers. To suffering must be added mourning, understanding, patience, love, openness and the willingness to remain vulnerable." 

I wrote once that I would never open myself up to feel that disappointment and pain again.  I wrote not about a heartbreak, but about my father.  I talk about him so stoically now.  Years later, I have succeeded in becoming emotionally removed from the situation.  Most situations that involve a loss.  I can talk about him, but I don't feel him.  It must be some sort of survival instinct that kicked in with me; I won't let myself grieve or feel sadness.  My mother's words after the attack ring in my ears, "You can either choose to move forward or choose to be a victim." I remember refusing to crack emotionally under the pressure.  I'll never forget the frustration I felt in front of a classroom, trying to control my shaking voice.  I wondered how long my voice would shake when I spoke, so weak and intimidated.  Faces of 17 year olds, staring at you, thinking you're just nervous to be in front of them.  I wish it would have been that easy.  I always feel this pressure that it is unacceptable to not just magically be okay.  There is no cure all for wounds, particularly wounds of the heart.  Sometimes in life it seems as if we are just left to put ointment on our scars when we're alone, and in public we just cover them up as if it never happened.  A secret healing process no one talks about.   

I see other people in pain and I just want them to feel better.  Unfortunately, I think that I do that by trying to be strong for them--as if I can't mourn a loss with them because I want them to feel as if things are okay.  It's so hard to explain.  I'm just not sure when this transition happened.  Maybe it came out of frustration that life never stopped when I needed that pause.  My friends had things going on in their own lives that put my personal struggles on the back burner (as is true with life in general).  I guess I didn't want to get life behind, as if staying present in that sadness kept me from leaving it in the past.  In the past, where I so desperately wanted it to be.  Away from me. 

I've been dating someone and I realized that I've never exposed my "weaker" side.  Not once.  I didn't fumble when I answered their questions about my father, I didn't cry when I talked about the attack.  I don't want anyone to see me...to really see me, unless they are really going to stay with me.  I shared so much of myself with Jeff and Jason--and it opened me up to criticism and discomfort.  With Jeff, at the end I didn't feel as if there was room for two wounded people..and with Jason, he couldn't understand my wounds.  Eric actually just wiped his hands clean of me and my "stuff." You can't really reveal yourself as a total mess when you're beginning to date.  The truth is, i'm not a total mess, but life hurts sometimes.  The fact that I have no, zero, relationship with my Dad after three years is just sad.  I've moved on and I'm okay, but he's not in my life.  A whole history of my life is gone now.  Christmas mornings, learning how to drive a car, dinner with my Nanny, driving to the lake, camping, going to Oakland A's games.  

Relief--the memories, and that gnawing ache.  I'm not actually a robot, I'm just...reinforced and hiding. 

Trust only movement. Life happens at the level of events, not of words. Trust movement.  


We're never so vulnerable than when we trust someone - but paradoxically, if we cannot trust, neither can we find love or joy.


The glue that holds all relationships together - including the relationship between; the leader and the led is trust, and trust is based on integrity.


Distrust all those who love you extremely upon a very slight acquaintance and without any visible reason.

Since I can't sleep..

I always catch myself thinking..what was I doing at this moment last year.  Where was I? Have I made any progress? Well, since I was writing about paternal relationships, I stumbled upon my entry from February 26th of 2010.  It was just after a terrible fight with J.  I was blind sighted by his aggressive stance on my relationship with my father.  I had to walk away from him in that moment; confused and wounded.  He contemplated breaking up with me because of my loose ends with my father.  I can tell you now looking back on my story with J, that that was the moment I knew we were going to have an ending.  This is what I wrote to him, I'm not sure if I could even tap into that emotion about my father anymore...:

It happened on December 16th, 2006.  I had just finished studying for finals, fortunately I had/have never been good at keeping up on emails because my Dad wrote to me to tell me "Eventually being self-centered like your mother will not lead you to a life of happiness. and Happiness is the key to life.  I will no longer contact you."  I sat on the couch in my apartment, watching the shadows move across the wall as the day passed.  My fingers punched send into my cell phone--no one answered. Everyone had left school for winter break, and because bad news never has good timing, I spent the day struggling with how to pull it together.  I write "my fingers" because that day, everything was out of body.  I saw myself, but I couldn't help myself.  It was like I was crippled by hurt.  I was alone the entire day, with my thoughts, my sadness, my fear, I had no solutions.  I just remember crying, crying until I fell asleep--wishing to wake up to a bad dream.  I'm embarrassed writing it.  I always feel like I have to validate the 6 month depression I fell into, because i'm not a weak person, but I felt weak.  I felt helpless.   I think that's why I am always bracing myself for the impact your words could have on me--I don't want to feel helpless, unprepared again like I was that day.  Not to say that this "precautionary" emotional guard is only for you--it's for all possible upsets.  Fortunately, these days there isn't as much hurt to anticipate--my major reinforcement periods are around holidays...I used to open cards from my Dad, curl up on my bed and cry.  It was the moments I was most disappointed in myself and my inability to protect myself. 

Remember when we would talk about people using relationships as band-aids? I still believe that--that you have to be a whole person before you can be in a relationship; happy with yourself before you can be happy with someone else.   What I'm coming to realize, but not fully accept, is that perhaps me being a "whole" person does not imply that I'm perfect or without "baggage." I have tried very hard to move into what you described as a "healthy" place with my relationship with my father.  I never dealt with it well, sometimes it meant not dealing with it all, and other times that meant becoming overwhelmed by it.   Now, I am at a point of acceptance--not would of, could of, should of..just is.  That's all I can do, and it's my best.  I stumble every so often, like when I went postal after deciding to send my father a Christmas card.  I hated that you didn't know where that was coming from.  I felt so frustrated, feeling possibly inadvertently judged--and I didn't mean to put you in that position, maybe some part of me wishes you could be that person for me innately.   Because however you may feel about my situation--being without him is best for me.  I write that without hesitation--I feel it with every fiber of my body. I need you to know this too for when I forget, slip and start to unravel.  I have spent my whole life being told I'm not good enough ( a 3rd grader should not feel that they have to have a work out regime)--and I no longer want to enable someone to make me feel like I'm not good enough.  I somehow needed you to be the omniscient person that tells me "It's not your fault."  The person who fights on my side, because at the end of the day you believe in me. You wouldn't know this, but despite your impressions that I'm cold or closed off to my father--it's quite the opposite, I've spent years wishing it was different, he was different, and that I was someone he wanted.  I mistakenly used to think his approval defined my value, I could not fathom what was so awful about me that I was not worth loving.  I became tired of playing the "victim" role, of feeling sorry for myself and my situation.  This is another reason I disdain talking about my Dad as much as it is a part of my day to day existence--because playing the victim is not the part I want to play in my life's stage.  The pain I feel embarrasses me.  

Hanging onto resentment is letting someone you despise live rent-free in your head.
-- Ann Landers

The way I was brought up, something within me, feels that crying lets him win.  I can imagine this ideology is rooted in some pep talk my mother gave me about pre teen girls.  I applied it to my Dad--I did not want him to "live rent-free in my head."  Wishing things were different does not move me forward, it does not change the past, it just makes me discontent with now.   This is why when you asked me "If I would feel bad" I automatically inserted "if my dad and i never had a relationship" and the truth is--I will not, because I cannot.  I cannot continue to punish myself for something that happened to me as a bystander.  I intuitively feel that you would question my use of "bystander"--but in truth, my relationship with my dad was always something that happened to me, I was never able to be part of it.  It was never on my terms or about me.  I spent my childhood trying to make him "proud" of me--I always wanted to be athletic enough, pretty enough, smart enough--and I was never enough.  I have an "I'll show you attitude" because I want to be enough, even if it's just for me.  I know that you and I share a unique bond, an unspoken kinship, a knowing look that said "I get it," from very early on.  So when you speak, I listen.  I felt that something had been frayed when you spoke with such conviction about a past I had attempted to  protect so ardently from you--I am so distant from the girl I was back then, that having you see me fall apart was a collision of the past and the present I wrestle with submerging all the time. 

I've never lost "control" like I did with you when you were pushing me about my Dad.  I just never wanted you to be the one to disapprove of my choices that I've worked so hard to make peace with.  I am not, and more than likely will never, be at a place to calmly, and unemotionally, discuss "resolution" or "gestures" my Dad makes because there will always be a small girl within me who wants nothing more than for her dad to really love her.  I truly cringe reading things like that because it sounds, and to some extent is, hopelessly pathetic.  Spending your life thinking of "what could have been" is enough to kill you.  It's a weaker side of me, a detriment to the woman I want to be.  

Letting go doesn’t mean giving up, but rather accepting that there are things that cannot be.

-- Anon

Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it's all over.
-- Gloria Naylor 

Part of me wishes you could inherently know all my weaknesses, sore spots, and silent struggles. It seems crazy, but I tried hard to leave the past in the past, particularly before starting to date you.  I wanted to enter into this, only as "me", not with the girl who feebly took so long to pick up the pieces of a broken life.  It partially seems stupid, trying to roll over sad moments. I know that realistically--it is part of life, crying is normal, etc, etc...but I guess I don't want you to see me as anything other than strong and capable, the two things I have worked so hard to be. 

Recipe that must be made..

Curry-Spiced Noodles Recipe :) 

Use only the lower bulb of the lemongrass stalk, and remove the tough outer leaves before chopping.

Total: 35 minutes
Yield: 4 servings (serving size: 1 1/2 cups noodle mixture, about 4 teaspoons cilantro, and 1 tablespoon cashews)

Ingredients

• 8  ounces  dry udon noodles (thick, round Japanese wheat noodles) or spaghetti
• 4  teaspoons  peanut oil, divided
• 2  cups  julienne-cut carrot
• 2  cups  julienne-cut red bell pepper
• 1  cup  julienne-cut green bell pepper
• 4  cups  thinly sliced shiitake mushroom caps (about 8 ounces)
• 3  tablespoons  chopped peeled fresh lemongrass
• 1  tablespoon  grated peeled fresh ginger
• 1  tablespoon  red curry paste
• 2  teaspoons  ground cumin
• 1  teaspoon  ground turmeric
• 8  garlic cloves, minced
• 1  cup  organic vegetable broth
• 1/2  cup  water
• 2  teaspoons  lower-sodium soy sauce
• 1/4  teaspoon  kosher salt
• 3  green onions, thinly sliced
• 1/3  cup  cilantro leaves
• 1/4  cup  chopped dry-roasted, unsalted cashews

Preparation

1. Cook noodles according to package directions, omitting salt and fat. Set noodles aside; keep warm.

2. Heat a large nonstick skillet over medium-high heat. Add 2 teaspoons peanut oil to pan; swirl to coat. Add carrot to pan; sauté 2 minutes. Add bell peppers; sauté 2 minutes. Remove carrot mixture from pan.

3. Heat the remaining 2 teaspoons oil in pan over medium-high heat; swirl to coat. Add mushrooms; sauté for 2 minutes. Add lemongrass and the next 5 ingredients (through garlic); cook for 1 minute, stirring constantly. Add broth, 1/2 cup water, soy sauce, and salt. Bring to a boil; cover, reduce heat, and simmer for 2 minutes or until slightly thick. Add noodles, carrot mixture, and onions; cook for 2 minutes, tossing to combine. Divide noodle mixture evenly among 4 bowls; top with cilantro and cashews.

I think sometimes the unknown could be equated to a bad dream.

So, here we are, back in this "transitional" stage of life.  When will life not be all about transitions? Probably never.  I guess I need to get used to it...embrace it (I laugh as I write that..not my style). Why are beginnings so scary? All beginnings--relationships, work, adventures--have some sort of grip on your my gut.  I think they are so scary because they are unknown.  They are a risk.  They have no guarantee.  There is no crystal ball to assure me that the choice I made was the right one; because after all, no one wants to realize two months down the road that they made the wrong choice.  Some people love that adrenaline rush that comes with taking a chance, others...are like Linus when his blanket is in the dryer.  Vulnerable.

Tonight I made a conscience effort to get back into the gym.  It is the one place where my mind is uninterrupted for an hour.  I came home, curled up on the couch with Kristin, and had my very first Bachelor experience.   It was much more intriguing than I expected--firstly, the poor guy had "commitment" issues from his previous season; secondly, he's gorgeous and 'honest.'  It's relatively fascinating to watch the social norms at work within the Bachelor house.  There are desperate women, shy women, bitchy women, and just painfully awkward women.  One woman has fangs.  I laughed so hard I cried at the absurdity of the situation.  Flipping fangs.   Upon not receiving a rose, a couple of the contestants cried.  At first I scoffed at their "attachment" to him, but then I realized, If I was rejected over someone with fangs--I'd probably cry too.  Flipping faaaaangs.

One thing I liked about the Bachelor was his openness about his non-existent relationship with his father.  This absence led him to have 'trust' issues with women.  Hm.  I couldn't help but wonder if I too was carrying these trust issues into my relationships.  History would say yes.  I hate that.  I hate carrying around baggage without realizing with it--all these years, so heavy.  Is every man a shady? I still can't write no without that doubt entering my mind.  The last thing I want to be is cynical.  Relationships are a vulnerability.  Getting hurt is a very real possibility.  I guess that's the risk.  I looked up an article about women who lose their paternal figure early in life to divorce or death, a few interesting points/patterns:

Females who lose their fathers to divorce or abandonment seek much more attention from men and had more physical contact with boys their age than girls from intact homes. They also tend to be more critical of their fathers and the opposite sex. These females constantly seek refuge for their missing father and as a result there is a constant need to be accepted by men from whom they aggressively seek attention (Grimm-Wassil, 1994, p. 147).

   Daughters of divorce sought attention from men more often, reported being the most active sexually and had the lowest self-esteem. The effects of early father separation were more profound than later separation. While she  noted different coping patterns in girls who had lost their fathers through death than in those whose loss was through divorce, she proposed that for both groups the lack of opportunity for constructive interaction with a loving, attentive father resulted in apprehension and inadequate skills in relating to men.

Girls with absent fathers grow up without the day-by-day experience of attentive, caring and loving interaction with a man. Without this continuous sense of being valued and loved, a young girl does not thrive, but rather is stunted in her emotional development. The coping mechanisms that adolescent girls whose parents are divorced develop in response to the absence of their father include the following (Lohr, Legg, Mendell, and Reimer, 1989, p. 352):

•  Intensified separation anxiety
•  Denial and avoidance of feelings associated with the loss of a father
•  Identification with the lost object
•  Object hunger for males

The negative effects later in life have been well documented, with numerous studies indicating that girls from fatherless families develop more promiscuous attitudes and experience difficulty in forming or maintaining romantic relations later in their development (Lohr, Legg, Mendell and Reimer, 1989, p. 354). These behavioral patterns are carried with them into womanhood and may be the cause of their unfulfilling relationships with men

Fatherless daughters tend to fall into one of two categories, the overachievers and the underachievers. The overachievers strive to attain a bachelor's degree, master's degree and even a Ph.D. They need to have a sense of control, making sure they reach their greatest potential. They become overachievers believing that if they accomplish more their fathers will accept them. The underachievers on the other hand are satisfied with either a high school diploma or a bachelor's degree, rarely excelling beyond that point. Typically underachievers are those who drop out of college or never attempt college. Coma (2000) suggests that fatherless daughters infrequently fall in between the two extremes presented.

Pretty interesting.  I never thought my strive to earn my Ph.D by the time I was 30 would be related to that internal need to look at my father and say, "I'll show you." But it's true.  I do have this "I'll show you attitude." That's part of the reason I went to Spain.  To show him what I was capable of doing.  That I was interesting, self-sufficient, and capable.  Relationships--the continual head slaps--the one thing I wish I could just release into the universe.  My 2011 mantra, trust in the universe.  Trust in the universe.  Trust. That's a big one.

Work in progress..


Side note, found this incredible blog called http://bunsinmyoven.com/ ; she has the most delectable recipes.  Tonight I made these brownies...this was my second batch and much tastier than the first.  I used a pinch less flour and a pinch more cocoa. Yummy!

Sweet dreams, thank goodness tomorrow is already Wednesday.  I see myself, pool side on Saturday :)

I'm GOING to finish my book.

My goal is to write three new pages this weekend.  Edit the chapters I don't like...poor Chapter Three.  Sometimes I'm tempted to delete the whole thing and start fresh.  I'm so different from the girl who started transcribing her experiences two years ago.

I suppose my haphazard dating experiences will make a quality climax...sweet memories:

Jeff--ultimate douchelord.  Classic, "I love you, I see myself spending the rest of my life with you" and oh by the way, I'm on the verge of an identity crisis and emotional sex change.

J--The dangers of dating someone who defines their self as selfish. When routine turns dangerous.

TP--Possible crack head.  I just want my brownies and my dignity back.

Eric-Reality--people do not change.  They just grow older..and in some drastic cases, regress into a state of immaturity, texting "I want to snuggle."

My hide out.

Sometimes I want to hide under the covers.  Keep the universe at a safe distance, tucked away in my world of white.  I want to hide away from the world I so desperately seek to explore.

It was dusk and I sat on the bench with a 4th grader named Maya.  She told me she feels confused and she started crying.  She didn't feel safe at her Mom's house and her mom would cry when she said she wanted to go back to her Dad's house.  She sleeps on the floor with a blanket.  She loses her belongings in the shuffle between her parents' homes, feeling guilty and insecure that she isn't responsible enough.  She told me she can't tell anyone her "things" but me.  She held my hand the rest of the afternoon, listening to my stories of 'guilt' and 'confusion' about my own parents' fighting.  Mom threatens to call the police on Dad (and did once) and Maya is afraid her Dad will lose custody of her.  I promised her that no one would take her from her Dad without her consent.  I hate that I can't be there to hold her hand the rest of the weekend at her Mom's house.  She has nightmares there.  She told me about the nightmares one day and we sat huddled on the floor while she cried--this was when I first realized I was where I needed to be.

She loves her father and trusts in him.  I read about men like this--I watch them in movies.  The man who will grab your hand when you threaten to leave, seeing behind your strong facade--the man who will love you.  Really love you.

Random musings.

Quote for thought:

 “On a deeper level you are already complete. When you realize that, there is a playful, joyous energy behind what you do.”

 -Eckhart Tolle

In my mind, I'm a photographer.  I stop during the day and I think, "Now this would be an incredible shot." I envision myself with a fantastic Nikon, stopping strangers to capture life in 3 x 5. I wish I could be one of those people who wears many hats, I would be a photographerchefdecoratingrealestateagentsocialworkerpsychologistseahorsetrainertravelingjournaliststepfordhousewifeprofessorofenglish extraordinaire.


As a photographer, I would show off my work in a glamorous photo wall--mine would be still shots of my travels done something like this...

I've been feeling antsy lately, you know that feeling that causes you to look over your shoulder and wring your hands when you have a minute to yourself? I'm feeling lost in the shuffle of life.  I probably sound like the typical bourgeoisie young adult, craving some sort of spiritual purpose.  I'm not living up to my potential.  Stuck in neutral.  I'm not challenged. Stagnant. Yuck. I want change but I can't say how much change.  I found this program, International Educators for Africa--my hankering for travel led me to look at Chile, Thailand, Korea, and Africa.  I think about my life and what I want in the next few years--I want to settle into a routine but also experience new adventures.  A walking checkerboard of wants and needs that cancel one another out.  I'm in a weird place of transitions...when will I be okay with not having it all figured out? 

"There is not one big cosmic meaning for all, there is only the meaning we each give to our life, an individual meaning, an individual plot, like an individual novel, a book for each person." -Anais Nin

In these times where I work myself into a mental frenzy (that ends up being nothing but a passing phase),  I turn to books like "The Art of Happiness" by The Dalai Lama and "Don't Sweat The Small Stuff." I also turn to culinary exploits.  My goal this weekend is to make Lemon Cream Pie:

Frozen Lemon Cream Pie
This is one of the easiest and tastiest pies I have ever made. If you're not the best baker, just try making this pie and you will fool everyone into thinking you are an award-winning pie maker.

INGREDIENTS:
(For the crust)
2 Cups finely crushed graham cracker crumbs
1/3 Cup sugar
1/4 Teaspoon kosher salt
8 Tablespoons (1 stick) unsalted butter, melted

(For the filling)
One 14-ounce can sweetened condensed milk
4 Extra large egg yolks
2 Tablespoons grated lemon zest
1/3 Cup sugar
3/4 Cup fresh lemon juice

(For the topping)
Whipped Cream
Candied Lemon Peel

METHOD:
For the Crust 
Preheat oven to 350°F.

In a medium bowl, combine the graham cracker crumbs, sugar and salt. Stir in butter.

Transfer to a 9-inch tart pan. Evenly press the bottom and up the sides to make a crust (I use a metal measuring cup to press the crumbs).

Bake 12 Minutes. Let cool completely.

For the Filling
In a large bowl, combine the condensed milk, egg yolks, sugar, lemon zest and juice. Whisk until all the ingredients are completely blended. Pour the filling into the cooled crust.

Freeze for at least 2 hours.

For the topping
Top with whipped cream and garnish with candied lemon peel.

8 Servings
Inactive prep time: 30 minutes to cool crust, 2 hours to freeze
Cook time: 12 minutes

Baby steps, right? The other thing is that I'm not sure if it is intuition or skepticism--I keep waiting for the rug to be pulled out from underneath me in my current dating situation.  So far, so good.  I just am waiting for 'the catch.' It seems in life that there is always a catch.  In the past it always ends up being something--or perhaps, rather, a case of something being someone else.  I'm the type of person where if I'm dating you than I'm not dating other people...when does that become the standard? I also know that if I'm dating someone and I find out they are dating someone else I'm immediately turned off.  Ick.  Deep breaths and baby steps.  And faith that my romantic life will not end up as haphazardly as my book. Can things really just be good and normal and not shady? Here's hoping. I'm exhausted from the dating dilemmas of 2010. 

 

2011 wisdom :)

1. Right View. The right way to think about life is to see the world through the eyes of the Buddha--with wisdom and compassion.

2. Right Thought. We are what we think. Clear and kind thoughts build good, strong characters.

3. Right Speech. By speaking kind and helpful words, we are respected and trusted by everyone.

4. Right Conduct. No matter what we say, others know us from the way we behave. Before we criticize others, we should first see what we do ourselves.

5. Right Livelihood. This means choosing a job that does not hurt others. The Buddha said, "Do not earn your living by harming others. Do not seek happiness by making others unhappy."

6. Right Effort. A worthwhile life means doing our best at all times and having good will toward others. This also means not wasting effort on things that harm ourselves and others.

7. Right Mindfulness. This means being aware of our thoughts, words, and deeds.

8. Right Concentration. Focus on one thought or object at a time. By doing this, we can be quiet and attain true peace of mind.



The chapter of 2010 is closed, "And so we turn the page over. To think of starting. This is all there is."   Learn from our mistakes.  Hm. What have I learned? What do I still need to learn?

2010 Lessons 

Not having a plan does not make you a failure
Fall in love slowly
Be aware of your surroundings; listen to your fateful gut
Take time for yourself
Don't take anything personally
Make sure the person you are dating is someone you respect
Sometimes being a friend simply means unconditional support
Speak with integrity (after listening....)

2011 Works In Progress

Finish the book!
Be less critical of yourself
Be who you are and say what you feel...because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind :)
Follow your heart.

I really should write a book.

I really should write a book.  The book I would..will..write would...will... cover the span of my many complicatedbutpassionateyethumblingandsometimesokaybutusuallytragic relationships.  My mother reiterated to me over dinner tonight, "you have to love yourself before you can love anyone else." This is the lesson I have re-learned over the past few months.

Outside of my mother, I have two very strong women in my life: Jamie and Kristin.  They are different but the same.  They are both classy, independent, honest, and compassionate women.  They are also both very patient for listening to me as I stumbled and tripped, mostly over myself, the past couple months.   Both of them have navigated the treacherous dating field and found respectable nice guys to date.  At the end of the day, I look at their relationships and I realize that I want something that just works too.   They've had their fair share of dating disasters (like we all have) and they never settled for just for now.  I cannot make something work, or make someone get their act together, I can only make the best of the circumstances.  I was driving in my car, discussing everything and nothing with Jamie, when she said 'If this would've been last year, we wouldn't even be having this conversation.' It all clicked.  The woman I am, but temporarily lost, would never settle for anything less than butterflies.  I also realize that 99% of relationship do not work out...and that has to be okay.  It has to be okay that Jason and I are not together.  We broke up for a reason.  We broke up and that's okay.  He'll be okay and so will I.  It took me a few months to remember to trust my own judgment--I love him, but he's not right for me.

I woke up today and saw everything clearly.  I looked around at all the dysfunction--relationships, baggage, depression, drama--and I decided enough is enough.  I'm not dysfunctional. I don't want dysfunction in my life, in any form.  Jason and I had a bizarre altercation last night when I was out with the girls.  He wanted to fight with me--I can't blame him.  I understand that the situation is complicated and difficult..but it became dysfunctional.  Either way, I let him go.  I feel at peace with all the relationship "stuff" that transpired this fall.  I learned some valuable lessons.  I'm going to learn from my mistakes.

I don't need a relationship.  I'm not spending my time wanting a relationship either.  I'm just here.

I'll never forget sitting in a massive lecture hall, reading over the lines "Whatever is, is right" by Alexander Pope.  It calms my soul--so simple and so true.  I also like the flipside, "Whatever isn't, isn't right."

Whatever isn't..isn't right.  Doesn't that just make everything so simple?

Simple.

Finally.

Insert sigh of relief here.

If this was a movie, you'd be here by now.

There is a quote by William Shakespeare that I keep repeating to myself, "Wisely and slow; They stumble that run fast."

When I sat down in my desk chair, the events of the past few months flooded to my mind in a bittersweet flash of images.

It's been a whirlwind couple of months.  I can't believe I made it through.  I'm here.  I'm me. I'm healing.  


I remember when waking up in the morning was a brutal reminder of the state of my life.  It's incredible the depths that we can sink to--the ability of the universe to surround you at once when your defenses are down.  You stand there, unable to see beyond it, wondering when you lost sight of the outside.  Muck, everywhere.  My heart used to thud in my head every time someone walked up to me too quickly or talked too loudly.  I'm free now.  On Saturday night, I hailed a taxi cab by myself in old town and went home by myself.  I walked to my apartment passed the rows of doors, not terrified that someone was going to attack me.  It hit me all at once tonight, so much has changed.  I'm awake again.

I've acclimated to my schedule and I'm even smiling through the not so delightful parts--like typing a paper for three hours tonight, wishing I was curled up on the sofa taking a siesta.  It's give and take these days. Taking a phone call from Jason. Giving him the honest truth.

I asked him about homework and he asked about 'us'.  The question took me off guard because there hasn't been an us for months.  He told me that he couldn't talk to me anymore if we were just going to continue being friends.  I went apathetic.  I didn't know what to say.  We haven't spent time together outside of class since July.  I told him that I genuinely care how he is doing and that despite not working out in a relationship--pursuing a friendship was worth it to me because I do care.   In the end, we aren't going to be talking to each other anymore.  It's really, really, really, really, really, really, REALLY over. I guess I was naive to believe that we could be friends after dating.  As I was telling Kris about the conversation, I said "I just can't cut people out of my life like that.  Just because we didn't work out in a relationship doesn't mean I don't care about him and want to be part of his life." She reminded me of a simple truth--not everyone is like me.   Jason can't just be my friend.  Lately, I feel like I'm on the receiving end of a lot of relationship decisions.

So, as October ends, so does the case of the ex-boyfriends.  No revolving door.  I didn't even think about unlocking it.  I know better.  I've actually learned from my mistakes this time.

Things have changed significantly.   I feel as if I got dropped back into someone else's life--this doesn't feel exactly like mine.  Even though I was heartbroken at the beginning of the month, I didn't seek solace in a new relationship.  I've successfully navigated through all my bruised parts and started putting myself back together. I was walking Bella this morning, remembering when people were suggesting I drop out of student teaching this semester and wait until the Spring, and I did it--almost done, loving every day.  I've come SO far.  Juggling all these things, moving with all these wounds--here I am. I'm doing okay, just me.

I wonder about the universe.  The ex-boyfriends are all gone with no battle scars left behind, all of my friends are in serious relationships and I'm on my own.  Interestingly enough, today--this moment, is the first time I feel like I'm honestly ready to have someone be part of my life.  I feel like I could go on a date--laugh and be silly, be MYSELF and not a victim, be present, be ridiculous...be okay. I could introduce myself, without thinking 'who the hell am I?' anyway in my mind.  I could take things slow and not feel torn between being 'honest' and putting on a tough front.  I can face the unknown beyond December in stride, trusting it will all work out.  I'm completely capable of handling whatever the universe is going to send my way.

I'm okay.

What a ride.  What a beautiful, ridiculous, humbling few months.

I never anticipated that I would be totally on my own at this point in my life.  I also never anticipated that I would be doing okay totally on my own.  I think about writing about everything..we..I've been through.  When it happens, it's going to be one, much anticipated, happy ending.

If this was a movie, you'd be here by now.

What you need to know about the past is that no matter what has happened, it has all worked together to bring you to this very moment.  And this is the moment you can choose to make everything new.  Right now.

When I get a little mental, someone should just escort me to the gym.

I went to spinning class this morning and ended up staying after to do some weights.  Mrs. A asked me this week why I love spinning so much and my answer was simple: I shut my mind off for one hour.

For one hour, I think about my breathing, my form, and pushing myself.  I appreciate the benefits of yoga, but there is something about fighting the resistance on the bike that is cathartic for me.  It's been a wonderful start to a beautiful Saturday in Arizona.  I love that I am still wearing shorts and a t-shirt out of the house at 8 am.

This week has gone by so smoothly, it's been a nice mental break to only be in charge of the junior classes. I had them create an ongoing Facebook news feed instead of doing the generic plot summary and the students were SO into it.  They were bantering about which status update should go first and who should end their relationship.  On Monday, they are going to be planning their Reality TV worthy confessional--they will be recording a dramatic monologue in groups of 3 about events in Act I and Act II of The Crucible.  I'm happy that some of my random ideas have come to fruition and worked out.  Teaching has become a passion for me and I hope that I can find somewhere to continue working after I graduate.

Mrs. A wanted to have a 'serious talk' about my future one of the mornings this week and I can't explain why I became so flustered.  She was reiterating that I should pursue teaching abroad for 2 reasons: I have no obligations here and I will make more money.   I'm not afraid to go alone or anything.  I've re-discovered my sense of independence and solitude (finally...) but it is bittersweet.  I don't really want to go on these adventures alone anymore, I want someone to share the experiences with.  The other alternative is to stay in Arizona and apply for the Teen Program Coordinator position at BGCS in May.  The only problem is that it's MAY and not MARCH, another 3 months of part time work when I have my Masters degree.   Not ideal, however when I was pushing Kayleigh on the swings yesterday, carrying around two little people on my legs, she was screaming "Bye whoever is pooping!" over and over and over again..giggling like no other.  The kids are so incredible and sweet.   I have a student who is more than angry at the universe for what has happened in his life, we had a good 'beginning' conversation on Friday, and I think I want to pull him aside and ask if he would want to volunteer at BGCS.  There is nothing more therapeutic than walking into the building after a long day and having a bunch of kids run up to you to give you a hug.  They're fantastic.  I know I have previously been complaining about my 7am-7pm schedule, but I go from one place I love to another place I love.  I think that's a blessing I briefly lost sight of.  Yesterday, the hospitality teacher was going to throw away all these awesome carved pumpkins and I asked if I could give them to the kids that didn't have a pumpkin this year and she was totally into it--another person's trash is somebody else's treasure :)

Last night was really interesting for a couple of reasons.  One, I confessed to Jamie that I secretly worry I'm going end up a cat lady.  Two, I received a text message "wish u were here to snuggle," from Eric.

Let's just say 'you've got to be kidding me' to both of them.

Jamie was hilarious and gave me hope, she said a cat lady at her work recently found love online and moved with all 3 of her cats to marry her man candy.  There is hope for the hopeless ;)  On the second, Eric's message went UNRETURNED.  Had I really slightly cared, I would have texted him back and said "isn't that the same message you sent to the other girls when WE were DATING?" Poor guy.  He keeps trying.  I honestly think in his mind we're going to get married someday.  Absolutely not.  He texted me a few times this week, that obviously went all unreturned.  He even had the audacity to ask if he could come to Scottsdale last night and stay at my place and then leave the next day.  It took everything not to say, "If you think you are ever going to have sex with me again, you're out of your mind. Done. Over. Never Again." Eric is...a learning lesson.  A brief history on the life and times of our 3 year relationship: tons of laughter, no fighting, and a case of cheating.  Eric always tells me he has changed and that our relationship was perfect (until he screwed it up..which he insists would NEVER happen again..right). He's very charming, handsome, and funny.  He is a venus fly trap.  I gave him a pseudo second chance after a fated meeting in London, two years ago.  We met outside Buckingham Palace and spent the entire day together.  Random and romantic.  After I got back from Spain, he came to visit the first weekend I was home and I briefly considered the possibility that we would work out.  Until the next weekend, (the weekend he was supposed to visit), photos of him and one of the girls he slept with when we were dating popped up on my newsfeed.  That was the end of Eric.  Beautiful promises that lack any meaning whatsoever.  With guys like Eric, you have to see behind the facade. I ended it by declaring, "Your word is your bond and your word means absolutely nothing." I'm sure you can find some sort of bitter, disheartened farewell to Eric in my blogs from September, 2009.  Fortunately, I have learned my lesson--that door is closed and locked.

Dead bolted.


The sad truth of it is, is that cliche text messages like that actually woo some women.  I'm sure Eric is 'that guy' for a lot of girls. I'm 24, I don't want to SNUGGLE with you.  It's black and white--we're so over we need a new word for over.  In the words of Just Friends, "Another bee in the hive." No thanks.  I'd rather be a cat lady.


Jamie and I decided I need to write a book about my dating blunders over the past couple of years.  Epic.  I regaled Kristin with the best of last night...we stayed up until  1 am laughing and cringing.  Men these days are out of their minds.  


In the words of Charlotte from Sex and the City, "I've been dating since I was fifteen! I'm exhausted! Where is he?" 

In the book of life, the answers aren't in the back.

I want all the answers.  I want to know what's going to happen in the next few months.


I always want to know what's going to happen--brace for impact.


I have four weeks left of my graduate program.  Four weeks.  FOUR WEEKS.

Free falling, having faith that I'll end up where I'm supposed to.

I wonder about fate and love.  I'm afraid for you to call. I wonder if I can believe in what you said, believe in us without feeling like an idiot.  Was it all just a dream? I rarely let myself think about what happened.  A mental block that makes kissing you in the rain seem like someone else's life.  Are you really going to come back to me?

 I wish I was indifferent, trusting in the universe.  Trusting in the random twists of fate.

This month put several things into perspective for me in general.  I'm healing from August 22nd.  I think I've made a lot of progress.  I swear, ever since I had that breakdown in the car--I've been so much lighter.  It's crazy--the physical manifestations of stress.  I used to be able to feel the stress reverberating around me, now I feel peaceful.  I know, as much as I love Jason, I could never marry him.  We talk on the phone all the time, but we're friends.  As hard as it is, as hard as it has been, our chapter is finished.

I'm watching The Notebook as I go to bed and I think it's just too girly and depressing.  Watching the ebb and flow of someone else's relationship is just too much.  You know, last week I felt like I would never be able to go on a date.  Tonight, I think I want to be open to whatever and whomever comes into my life.  Go with the flow.  Go with the flow.  Trust in the universe....trust in the universe? Trust in the universe.

I'm nervous.

“Don’t seek, don’t search, don’t ask, don’t knock, don’t demand – relax. If you relax, it comes. If you relax, it is there. If you relax, you start vibrating with it.” ~Osho

“Why worry about things you can’t control when you can keep yourself busy controlling the things that depend on you?” -Unknown

"Beware the barrenness of a busy life." -Socrates

"Whenever something negative happens to you, there is a deep lesson concealed within it." -Eckhart Tolle

"Slow down and everything you are chasing will come around and catch you." -John De Paola

That thing, that moment, when you kiss someone and everything around becomes hazy and the only thing in focus is you and this person and you realize that that person is the only person that you're supposed to kiss for the rest of your life, and for one moment you get this amazing gift and you want to laugh and you want to cry because you feel so lucky that you found it and so scared that that it will go away all at the same time. To truly love something, you must first give it a chance to fail.

I don't want to ever become cynical toward love.  I want to believe in happily ever after, can'tlivewithoutyou love...I want to believe that I'm capable of having faith in someone. 

I love this quote by Rumi, "Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it."  

I started putting up walls this past month, reinforcing my weaker parts. I caught myself and i'm stopping.  I need to just let it all go and let things be.  This is perhaps the most challenging thing for me--being a control freak in a time of seemingly endless transitions.  

Happily ever after.  Hm. 

Words of wisdom..

This morning, I caught myself saying, "If I didn't have to eat, I'd have so much more time." 


!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


It makes me laugh--what a ridiculous statement.  The sad part is, I'm serious.  I bought a big thing of soy protein and I'm going to try and substitute that for my "lunch" during the week.  Packing my lunch at the end of the day is the last thing I care to do when I come home.  I am finishing student teaching within the next month and I have yet to form a bond with any of the teachers.  Thus, eating in the teachers' lounge is unnecessary anyway.  I think I've become relatively antisocial as a result of my exhaustion.  I'm too tired to hold a surface conversation.  Actually, I'm too tired to hold a conversation period.  I used to consider myself an incredibly social person..I could walk into a room and talk to anyone.  Lately, I'm the wallflower (by choice).  I went to a friend's birthday dinner on Saturday, and I couldn't enter into the meaningless banter.  What's the point? Also, I really don't like talking about myself.  



I'm a little boring.  I'm a little tired.  I'm a little bit of a workaholic these days (not by choice).  


Kristin told me about this adorable, simple website that has the best advice: 

1. Assess just how busy you’re willing to be.

New research indicates that a key indicator of happiness is the distance between the hours you’d like to work and the hours you actually do. If you don’t want to work more than 40 hours per week because you have a hobby you’re passionate about, but you’re working over three hours more than that, you will inevitably feel dissatisfied.

In some cases, this may be beyond your control. If you just can’t afford your mortgage unless you push yourself, that’s one thing. But sometimes you do have a choice; you just think it’s too difficult to make it. Downsizing or moving into a new place may seem like an unnecessary hassle, but it’s worth the uncomfortable transition if it allows you to do with your time as you’d like.

2. Consider whether your schedule conflicts with your priorities.

When you have internal or external conflict, it’s difficult to maintain your center and sense of joy. If fitness is a priority but you’re working 60 hours a week, leaving you little time to exercise, you will feel conflicted. Even if you want to keep working hard, you’ll feel frustrated that you’re not meeting your own needs.

If you absolutely can’t scale back your work to allow for regular exercise, consider rearranging things to make exercise easier. Wake up 20 minutes earlier for a quick job; something is better than nothing. Or see if you can take a class during your lunch break. Happiness is honoring you needs—all or most of them.

3. Be sure your goals align with your values.

Most people would prefer not to overwhelm their lives with work, but oftentimes we push ourselves because we have our eye on the prize, so to speak. There’s nothing wrong with having a dream and working toward it; but if you’re going to sacrifice much of your now for later, be sure you’re really headed where you want to go.

Does the future you envision align with your values in life? If your family is one of your top priorities, but achieving your goal might compromise that, all your busy-ness might lead you somewhere that doesn’t truly make you happy.

4. Find joy in the way things are.

Oftentimes when we’re busy, we’re fixated on the way things can be, should be, or will be on the other side of overexertion. It’s all too easy to get caught up in a race toward some fantasy tomorrow that inevitably will fall short of your expectations. Someday dreams usually do because they’re more about avoiding the present than building the future.

Regardless of how things might be after your efforts pay off, life always takes place in the present. You never know what the future holds—whether or not you’ll still have good health or the people you love will still be around. The opportunity to enjoy those things is now. Find the time to appreciate and engage with them, even if only in small doses.

5. Make time for relationships.

Studies have shown that the quality of our relationships correlates directly with our overall sense of happiness. Sometimes while we’re working toward a larger life we forget to do the things that remind us we’re part of something larger than ourselves. We need meaningful contact with other people to feel fully alive. We need interaction, engagement, and the time to just be in the presence of other.

Make time for people, even if it’s just a quick meal. It’s worth sacrificing your working lunch to experience life outside your office.

6. Allow yourself completely disconnected time.

This can be difficult in the Internet age when work can seem like a 24-7 commitment. At least that’s my experience. I’ve checked my email at 11:00 PM, 5:00 AM and every time in between. I know that I won’t ever bookmark work between 9:00 and 5:00. But sometimes I need to shut off.

We all do. We all need complete breaks from work where we can be fully present in something else. Whether it’s an afternoon at the movies, a yoga class, or a complete day and night of relaxation, compartmentalizing life for a while can be rejuvenating.

7. Say no liberally.

A few different writers have tackled this subject in the past, including Sonya Derian in her postThe Halfhearted Yes: Why We Don’t Say No and How to Start and Karen Mead in her postCompassionate Boundaries: Saying No Without Guilt.

Saying no is hard when you want to please people. You might assume only spineless, needy people struggle with this, but the truth is we all do. None of us want to disappoint people, and on some level we all want approval.

Just like on airplane you need to put your own mask on before helping someone else, we need to take care of our needs before we can even begin to be valuable for other people. We need time to decompress, do what we love, and just plain call the shots, without reacting to other people’s needs.

8. Prioritize rest.

In a perfect world, we’d all sleep eight hours a night. We’re best equipped to handle life’s challenges when we’re not fatigued. But sometimes that’s not an option. When you are exhausted, take care of yourself using these tips to function better when you’re tired.

To the best of your ability, take time to nap, meditate, or practice deep breathing. A past yoga instructor once told me a certain pose was the equivalent of a good night’s sleep. I don’t know if I believe that entirely, but I do know certain yoga poses help me shut off my mind to fall asleep sooner at night.

9. Expel less mental energy.

This is a good practice in life in general—one I need to constantly work at—but it’s especially helpful when you’re busy. If your circumstances seem a little overwhelming, your inner state may start to parallel that. You may over-analyze, worry about every little decision, stress over whether you’re doing the right things.

Trust your gut. Learn and adjust as you go, but give yourself a break from the constant overanalyzing—whether the meeting went well enough, or your report was detailed enough, or if you sales calls are compelling enough. Don’t make yourself do the work twice—once in the doing and again in the rehashing.

10. Embrace the chaos.

Nobody forces us to live busy lives. We do it because we want to feel a sense of purpose, commitment, and accomplishment. You may have to maintain a full schedule out of obligation—kids to feed or loans to pay off—but there are a lot of things we could sacrifice if we truly wanted a simpler life.

If you’ve chosen to do various different things, engage with many people, and strive toward numerous goals, realize a lot will feel out of control at times. The more elements you introduce to your life, the more unpredictable the days will be. Sometimes the uncertainty is both the most exciting and terrifying part. Choose to focus on the former. Why fight the game you’ve chosen to play?

I almost forgot! Sunday morning I went to the gym for my morning spinning class..the instructor didn't show up and I ended up teaching completely RANDOMLY.  I didn't even have my music.  I taught the class using a guy's phone connected to pandora.com with a workout mix.  For the first time, in a while, I was proud of myself.  It was definitely a risk and very bold.  I could have crashed and burned..no plan, no music, no idea what I was doing.  I did it :) Everyone was really happy after the class and said it was better than most of the instructors...they all said I should bring my stuff for next week.  Anyway, it definitely renewed my excitement about spinning.  Motivation to eat healthy, get enough rest, and work out as often as possible.  I love the gym.  


Also, RIP Nutella.  I am BANNED. PROHIBITED. FORBIDDEN. from purchasing Nutella.  I just love it SOOO much.  I've replaced sex/love/relationships with nutella and it's just not acceptable.  Farewell nutella.